Who would have thought a bikini could make me smile a genuine smile?
I hate the way men stare at us
With eyes so bloodthirsty
We feel unsafe in our own skin
But here I am
Staring in the mirror
Alone
Comfortable
Ready to show the world

Is it hypocritical?
I guess
I’m just happy for once and don’t want my joy to run away

Is it vain of me
To like what I see?
Not my brain
Not my heart
My body

The thought of kissing
Touching
Feeling
Makes bile disgrace my throat
But I want to lay on warm sand
Half naked
For all to judge

I'm a liar.
I lie more times a day than I can remember.
I lie every time I say I'm ok,
which is too often.

My head hurts.
My heart bleeds.
The ground I stand on has crumbled so many times I've given up trying to rebuild.

I hate the way I wake up not knowing if tears await.
I love it.

Every connection is shaky.
Do I even have friends?
Do I even like them?

What is going on?
I love chaos.
Perfectly unstable.
One night in love,
torn the next.
I blast loud music to drown pain out,
to hush my racing mind,
then I cry.

I laugh to fit in.
I laugh at what is funny.
I laugh at how broken I feel.

I live on the edge
of sanity.
Freefalling
Except this time I'll seek no help,
this time I'll enjoy the wind in my hair.

I feel cloudy
My feet are on this earth
but my mind
disconnected
far away and out of reach

The world is going by
and I am lost in thought
My eyes wont let me see
what kills me every time I look

I look down at the words dribbling from my hand to the page
and know their not my own

I look around at the people I associate with
and know the real me is floating somewhere
far above us

I line my eyes with dark paint
and no one takes me seriously
My spirit's slowly fading
so slowly no one notices

teachers pet
milly the model
drama queen
nice
high achiever
rude c*t
just like mother
just like father
intense
generous
good friend
shtty friend
creative
smart
emo
princess
tough cookie
introvert
extrovert
sporty
nerd
arty
mature
mean
ice queen
passionate
flat liner

Why can't I just be
me?

You know how to push my buttons
You love to crawl under my skin
You know how to crank up my dial
And in the blink of an eye
Send me
Down, down, down
Again.

The lowest of lows
And the highest of highs
Used to blend into my favorite colour
But cloud nine seems so far away when I’m
Drowning in our tears

The beaming light you shine
Hides a ball of fire inside
That burns up the world around me
Leaving me with nothing

The venom I once got drunk off of
Now leaves a lump in my throat

I used to feel like nothing I could say would break us
But now my feet are cut up from the eggshells I step on when I’m with you

I thought what we have was healthy
But I feel so alone when I’m with you

I thought we were on the same page
But we’re not even in the same chapter
I don’t want a sequel
I need our painful story to be over

Swirling
Alone in the tornado that is my mind
Too scared to save myself

Pain
Change
Uncertainty
I’ve tattooed these words up my arm so I never forget
They burn
Because they’re so real
Trapped under a harsh rule
Blind sighted
Absentminded

I look down from the hurricane
Some see me up here
Some are oblivious

100 pairs of black, piercing eyes
Am I better off still swirling?

I act ok
I ignore the sympathy
But the more I pretend, the harsher the storm grows
Thirsty for tears

As I re-scan the perimeter
I see things with more clarity
And one pair of eyes beam golden light in my direction

I drug the butterflies
Take a deep, hungry breath
And
Call
Your name

Before those butterflies reclaim their senses
You throw me a rope, gold as the eyes that woke me
And pull me back
To earth