A calming stretch of existence
Spiralled into an abyss of discomfort
Burnt out by the joy of realisation
Eyes dancing on the horizon
Maybe we are Orphic
Two fleeting souls
Craving the familiarity of scabs between our teeth
Questions
What are you doing to me ?

With this stabbing ache my chest
My hands quivering at the screen
Tears dancing at the brim of my eyes
Craving something I had never before
What was happening to me ?

My pen broke
Between my fingers
And before I knew it
Words came to difficult
Hardly a thing known to man
I had lost my worth between the creases of my page
I have never felt this before

Why can I not write
When my heart yearns for nothing more
?

And suddenly
...
You stumbled back into the barren field you once called home
Sat on your side of the bed
And threw your socks across the room
Told me tales of where you've been
And I listened , whilst straining at my teeth
Fighting the urge to cuss you out
The words fly right out of my mouth before my mind could brace you for the fall
"I don't remember letting you in"

It hits you suddenly
Burdens of grief
Piling in a moment of joy
A sad realisation settling in the creases of your smile
Their gone , but life moved on
Within that moment you press at your throat
And hope no one can hear you heaving
No one likes a party pooper afterall
Life moved on , so why haven't you
Suddenly your words feel thick
And a silent cacophony dwells at your feet
No one notices as you leave the party
Life moved on so why would you stay
Then the doors pile in with people pressing the edge of your chin
And you scream
Hoping someone would hear your plea
Please sympathize with me
I'm battling a lifetime of grief

In the eyes of a
Week
A moment
A connection
And
A conflict
I had had managed to fit
Every part of your love
That would ruin me
And
Before the eyes of our passions dwells
On the nightfall
Of our imperfections
I decided it would be easier
To watch you leave

As the brittle leaves of our bones
Fell
And words could hardly explain our
Existence
It feverishly fed on our death
But it was alive
So who was there to blame?
And for the first time I prayed
Which was funny
Since I didn't believe in God
And sadly he reminded me that
It should stay that way

December was fun
...
When everyone was still alive

It hadn't even hit me yet , the urge to feel , to love , to live , yet here I was hating it before it even begun .

Sometimes...
I'd dim the lights
Close my eyes
And huff of "cherry peach lemon"
Give myself a honey flavoured daze
And imagine my soulmate



No one came to mind

I hated a wounded man
With a swollen pride

I wanted to die
A noble man
With a wall full of achievements
And no one
Saying my life was unfulfilled
She wanted to live
A grandmother
With a wall full of promises
Now she will never fulfill

How do you know that you're still alive?
Well you wake up and you're still breathing
How unpoetic of you

Passion spilling from the brim of his eyes
Words cannot capture
They cannot describe
As his hands creep between hers
She thinks comfort
He thinks salvation
And she catches his gaze
Doubtful of his intentions
But he finally words
His gaze
I love you , he finally says

It's the simple pleasures we enjoy,
Reading a book
Telling a story
Sharing a beer
Singing a song
Anything at all
To remind us we're human

Now starts the chant
Of
A
F I R E
B R E A T H I N G
M A N

The only reason I didn't give you a chance
Was because my *** was the reason
I caught your glance
You said
At the rate I'm plucking my feathers
No one will ever desire me as much as you would
I battled you with my morale
As much as I could
Cause I knew
Boys like you
Dancing on the edge of their manhood
Never ever understood

Before she is your wife
She is my mother
Before she is my mother
She is a sister
Before she is a sister
She is a daughter
Before she is a daughter
She is a human
And how do I live with the fact that she is just as mortal as
The rest of us

This city drowns with our memories
How am I to live in it
Without you ?

My mind can't bare listening to love songs
Without you consuming it's every thought
But maybe that's because my whole existence
is hidden in every melody
My love for you in every verse
Sadly I listen
Knowing your existence isn't in a single chord
I know you don't love me
As much as I wish you would

As I scrapped the scabs on my skin
With and eraser
These colours stuck at the corners of my eyes
What an eye sore I thought
But people looked at me weird down the street
And they silently whispered
"Did he beat her too"

I have overstayed my comfort in your hands
By knowing that we ruined our love
With our temporary

Seventeen is no dream to remember
But we hoped we'd have cleansed our airways by the time 18 dawned at our feet
We had prayed that our innocence had not been blurred within the lines of our trauma
We had hoped our dreams beamed within our doom
That our fear was justified in the struggle
And that our tolerance for each other was worth it
That we were not addicted to our dependance on society
Cause we were no longer kids
We had outworn our childhood
The paint on our faces had cracked
And
The desert of our freedom had swelled with reluctance
But we still wanted it
To be young
To latch onto the protection of ours mother's
But we had grown a few sizes too big
Sadly we were exactly where we were meant to be
We were seventeen

We walked through every corner of our fantasy
Wrote essays of the pleasure hidden within our resolution
Adamant that the torture of our adultery, was torture to us only
We bath our skin in the bloods of our innocence
What had made us become so famished?
Why had we relished in the depths of our depravity ?
Why did we live in a love where you and I were nothing but a fantasy ?

It was a Tuesday
The morning stabbing at my eyes
Uniform hanging on my door
Getting ready for the day
I walked into my mother's room
My brother being dressed on the bed
His oblivion mind
And milky teeth whispered
To me
" She was crying"
and I told him to hush
As I realised how human she was after all

I'd rather be convicted and put to death
FOR MISANDRY
Than ever be accused
Of
LOVING A MAN

I received a letter today
And tear drops adorned the page
Why were you crying
If the words you wrote , were words declaring your hate
But no words you say
That could ever sway my understanding
For I know your words of hate
have another meaning
And my love I speak your tounge
For I know you simply meant
You love me more than anyone

And before we could even realise it
Everything we had talked about
Felt
And seen of each other
Was dumbed down to a simple moment
A moment where your eyes were filled with pure lust
No gravity holding the innocence of
Teenage love
My skin bare before your eyes
Did you even love me at all ?

And there we were two worlds colliding, one of complete loneliness the other heart felt freedom

You had always asked me what I loved most about you
"I loved the tragedy in your eyes"
              ... " It made me think I could fix you "

I valued my currency
Time was value
Love was value
Value was currency
Currently currency was money
Time is money
So pardon my greed
When my love dulls the edges of your credit card
I valued my currency
You ask me to love you for free
And now I let you go
BECAUSE I VALUE MY CURRENCY

I wish I could write love poems about you
But I've realised the love I feel that deep for ,  is not true
So I save my devotion at the tip of my pen
I'll never write a love poem about you , not now , not ever again

Do you know , I have pressed against the veins of my heart , to teach myself the feeling of unloving you ?

I have died far too many times , than I have given myself to live

Beaten and all bruised out
Clinging to the last breaths of our grief
The fogs of our cigarettes twisting between our teeth
Past lives shared within our eyes
We danced yet hoped we died
Forever living in the glory of our what if's
Bound by the  sacrifice we shared
We were sworn enemies,strangers now friends
We walked through the dregs we each paid 2 pence for
Searching through the corners of our jeans
For the years we felt complete
We sniffed at the dust of our memories
Pimples eating at our face as we dreamed of the glory of our lives
First we were 20 , 21 now 25
The years have surely gone by
But glued at the soles of our shoes
Was a promise , a lie ,a fantasy
Only we were wild enough to believe
But heavens by the times , did we choose to see
What time would do to you , to us , to me
Foolish disposables walking through the end of the world
The end of yours , of ours even mine
But as we swore at the dawn and washed away the breeze of the night
The day , the light ,the life even the time
When we had sat with our reality
Our truth
Our fault
Our nature
Heaving the sighs of Finally growing up

There was something hidden within my loneliness
A never ending feeling of settling within the edge of my glory days
I hadn't had a drink in ages
Why was I so complacent
I have broken from my prime
Why am I so concerned
I haven't had a smoke in a while
Why do I smoke
Why
Why am I alive
Why
Why
Why
Such questions without a question mark
I've burdened myself from my younger days
I'm incoherent, indecisive
Why do I care
No body cares
If I ****** at my dignity with parentheses
An overload of unbearable redundancy
My patience has strung its way through my teeth
Why am I failing year 11
Why do my peers smell like sweat
Do I smell like sweat
All these questions without question marks
Have I become a period
The end of every sentence
The after thought hidden within the tortures of teenage hood
I haven't cried in a while
Why
Why
Why .... She whispered in the hollow room she shared with her therapist

Loving you was the last thing
I felt really good at

And there we were dancing with the stars ,how we always did
Knowing in the depth of our hearts
That we will drift apart ,how we always did
But how tragically lovely it is to know , you still love me
How you always did

Skating on a bruised ego , darkened lungs , failed social life, academic failure and lack of relationship status... Overall growing up fucken *****

"I bet your mother would be proud of you "

At the touch of love most become poets , twisting the spines of fairytales and reciting the tortures of our past loves . Burning the words of caution and leading blindly into the oblivion of its touch. Feeding on its illusive state of mind , abandoning our being . At the touch of love most become painters , reminiscing each curve of their lovers breath in each stroke they lay on the canvas, painting a love only they could understand. At the touch of love most become singers , finding hidden notes in the crevices of their teeth , burning memories in each melody . At the touch of love most become martyr's , kneeling at the ponds of their lovers tears , swearing oath to the beat of their heart . At the touch of love most become sunsets , so far yet so close , burning at the scars they shared . Yearning for an eternity where dusk doesn't burn at their feet . At the touch of love most become lovers , dancing at the tune of their forever , watching as the rest sulk at a rhythm they do not know . At the touch of love at I  become stagnant , unwilling to move from this  feeling of euphoria , swelling at the thought of it ending. At the touch of love I become a question, riddling my young with doubt , and questions of my deserving. Till I had eventually let love lays it's touch on everyone but me

I wish I could see life through a shaded lense, maybe orange, maybe blue , anything but clear