It doesn't seem like this **** should even really matter, increasingly disturbing thoughts that lately I have begun to gather. Way down deep inside I shove these feelings and emotions I refuse to let show. If I could just give it to God perhaps I might be able to let some of it go. My body has already been  by this cancer  invaded. Its progression can't be delayed or eradicated. Quite unsure what to even think I spend every moment I am awake trying to get faded. I try to forget that probably sooner than  later I'll start. Fading right to black the dark thoughts that no matter how I wish I can't just take back. Unfortunately this is no fabrication this is straight fact. Maybe years from now they'll dig me up like an artifact. Who the **** know maybe I will make it out scathed integrity still mostly intact. It's not for myself that I even really hold concern For in death I have no more lessons to learn. It's about all the loved ones that I'll be leaving behind. In so many places that are usually most unkind the things that get twisted up and rattle around inside my head leave me more than just a little perplexed. I think the hardest part in not knowing what do expect. I wish I knew someone that could tell me what is coming next. Will my loved one be those that will pine as I burn and perish will the memories they have of me be among the moments that they cherish. It's all still somewhat nightmarish. This body's merely a vessel. I have no doubt to glory my spirit will surely fly. Imanage going up, up do much higher and faster than dare I. No need for anymore alibis  no more lullabies. Just this darkness as they close my eyes. No questions no more lies. Not another misconception. This is my last masquerade costume I adorn to play the final charade. I would go completely naked if I knew I would be covered by the nights shade. For ghosts that for years now have been faceless most of my cherished heroes have been hasitaly traded I know for a while now I have been watching the world with eyes pretty **** jaded. More than it actually is it sounds so complicated. I can not help the things that I have contemplated. On my heart it has been heavily weighed how to tell those I behold goodbye. That's going to be the hardest on me myself I am beside. I pray I said.y peace as u accept this possible fate perhaps for the solace and salvation I'm already too **** late how do I know that heaven and hell are really even real will it be there that my forever wounds will finally heal my emotions I will continue to conceal everything is beginning to look kind of surreal on bent knees in prayer I kneel no more full circles will I turn. In the spreading flames I'll no longer burn. I had often wondered when the time I borrowed would adjourn.  Answers the questions I ponder is something for which I desperately yearn. When completely I am gone will my spirit walk and linger on though this purgetory of broken fairytales or will the devil himself come drag ble straight to hell. It's now I quite badly wish for those worlds that were somehow parallel I am for sure of at least one thing I'm getting off this **** carasoul if not this entire Merry go round. I am  like a stero wired for ******* sound. Head in the clouds I drag my feet along the ground never am I coming down maybe myself
I will find out if I just **** around. maybe in what I seek what I need will actually be found.  Deeper down that ever before the dark thoughts I am compelled to hide most of all I look forward to possibly kicking it with my cousin that's on the other side. that alone stays my hand from suicide. It's those kinds of thoughts in which I have no left I can confide. Since once again I am at a loss that has turned into another epic fail though I tried to no avail. In the wind I can almost hear the banshees wail. Falling in reverse from the sky in a spinning of the tail. Dance with the devil in the tainted moon light that was rather pale. Surrounded by all the smoke that has quickly grown long since stale white noise I hear the static in my head it's driving me sane for that is when I get the craziest.  This purple the fogs quite hazy. Sort of like the twilight zone to each their own me and Rod sterling walk side by side wandering lost.  While these spirits give me chase. Inside these outer limits of this Peyton place where I am constantly attempting to save face as I continuously fall from this side of my saving grace. Like the smoke and fog I should disappear without another trace no **** evidence no **** case. go on you do as you dare eventually I will have to get going it doesn't matter going where remaining my biggest question is anyone that's here right now really even all there. Forget the **** dog of the owner beware doing my damnest not to start sinking into my utter despair on me war the creatures I conjured declare my nerves are raw and completely bare for this journey I cannot prepare times now running short so I this world of nothing but opportunity and plenty air I choose to hit the **** **** while into this nothing i stare. I cross my heart on my soul I swear I appreciate every single prayer. Do not cry for me when I am gone do not morn for me today. Just like s gently flickering flame that's burning out slow Rocking my last bowl the insufferable pain burns deeper this hole in my already dark barren soul. I am colder and corrupt the older I grow. Do tell what else does anyone else need to know.

Waiting for the aftershock to subside
I failed epically even though I tried. Reclaiming all the tears that I have cried. Please God I pray you let my transgressions slide.
With the rules I do not comply. Vindictive streaked is my dark tragic sky. I keep chasing spirits and smoke clouds though I just do not know why.
No need for an iron clad alibi. I'll tell you straight I was out getting high.
Chaos and catastrophes seem to collide  pain and turmoil brought in by the rising crimson tide.
I still try to take it all in stride
riding for my ride or die
to help ride the very pride
right to the other ******* side.
Power glide.
Patience short supplied.
No one left in which I feel as if I could confide
my frequent thoughts of suicide.
Hole deep in my cold barren soul just as deep as it is wide.
Pushing the pain way down inside
my emotions I tend to hide.
When my cuz passed part of me actually died.
By myself I am beside
These drugs I self prescribe.
Into another realm it seems as if I did arrive. In this pain I still writhe. Feeling more dead than I do alive.

Dig my *** up like an artifact after I was buried beneath the chaos and the calamity that somehow I seem to  attract.
Make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
Brace myself for the impact. No brags just plain fact. Against Me all the odds are unfairly  stacked
from all angles now I'm attacked. Revenge I exact. Fell right into the trap. I think I may need a nap. Sharp as a tac. Throw out the rift raft
*** for tat tat for *** take another ******* hit. **** close to being lit legit. Another wash up misfit
That just will not quit.
I don't sive a ghit
nor do i even give a ****. Forcing myself into places that I was never meant to fit.

Sporadically my heartbeats inside my chest
as on my shoulders the weight of what feels like the world I attempt to heft.
I would give my very last breath if I had any oxygen left.
In these shinny surfaces my face does reflect.
I am not perfect.
Unless you mean perfectly ****** up. Reeking havoc out running amuck.
In a  stolen pick up truck spitting out tiny pieces of my broken luck.
Thunderstruck in an addicted mindset I am stuck
hitting the ground hard in a manner rather abrupt
falling in a reverse tail spin.
Colder and much more corrupt.
My temper is capable of beginning  to erupt. Disorderly is how to define my conduct. These walls I have to reconstruct readjust. Don't look at me with such disgust. Very few people do I actually trust. Only the ones that I must. Ashes to dust. If it wasn't for marijuana my lungs would rust.
About ready to just spontaneously combust.
Do not try to interrupt. These demons disrupt
do just as instruct.
Stand clear as I self ******* distruct.

Dancing my way out of the the masquerade, to play life's little charade. Intrusive thoughts they invade. Unafraid renegade.  Hand well played.
For a week up I have stayed
Far from the beaten path I have strayed. Orders not obeyed.
With death's  bouquet
Cover the stretch of those already decayed.
To black I attempt to fade.
Not the master of my fate.
No intentions of ever going straight.
Cannot save me from myself for that it's way too **** late.

Solace and salvation I seek actively. About this I feel passionately.
I try to present myself fashionably. But distractedly waiting to happen a disaster haphazardly casually a callously created causality
an abnormality. Get off on a technicality. Distorted sense of reality coming from my badly broken mentality. Brutality, fatality.
What in this actuality is just a principality held over someone else's haywire personality.
Never have I ever been so **** sincere in the middle of the night I am seeing pretty **** clear
I feel as the end maybe growing near. Hold my throttle
hold my beer.
As the dawn approaches i begin to ******* disappear
my mind always wondering if anyone out there right now is even really here.
Burn down all I ever held so **** dear. Swinging from the chandelier. Here is to another wild year.

I don't know what it is that I am attempting to seek actions louder than words proving that talk is cheap.
I run one true deep.
Now I lay me down... To do anything but ******* sleep
I have to many secrets only I can keep.
My eyes been wide open for about a week. My intentions reek. I gack I geek I ******* tweak. I don't trust myself not to misspeak
in the shadows I often retreat unable to admit defeat.
Trying to stay discreet
while I wander this street. Incomplete vindictive streak running from moments that are at best bittersweet. Wish I was a mistake that someone could delete
living my life like it's stuck on repeat. I'll  take my whiskey neat.  
now I will attempt to render myself completely obsolete.

I am silver that's now tarnished and growing dull
Intrusive thoughts twisted up rattle around inside of ******* skull. A broken vessel
An empty hull.  Rock another ******* bowl. Spin spun right out of control. Slow my roll before off in the nefarious darkness I stroll. Traveling where there are only  places my angels dare never to go.

Fabrications seem  to heavily fall as the toxins expell
Nothing more than a throwed off fairy tale that is demented as hell.
Ask no questions and no lies will I have to sell. I bid the a fond fare the well. As moonlight goes pale and the smoke grows stale. I tried but to no avail.
Do another hot rail
Follow a dusty trail.
Now I am weak and kind of frail.
Banshees loudly wail. Hammer into my coffin another nail.
Get ready to set sail. Spinning til I am feeling rather unwell.
In this rather unsavory prison I tend to dwell. Tension starting to swell.

Crushed here underneath this pending doom, my room has become just another tomb
For some grave digger to exhume.
My activities I try and resume but I am higher than a **** ballin animated  all drawn out like a **** cartoon red assed like a **** baboon. Nothing seems to cut though this gloom the toxic fumes the air it perfumes.  Like peacocks colorful plumes
Will I die as presume. This poison I consume.
Burning in the afternoon

Violets blue Roses red awake I lay in my bed stuck inside of my own head. Living my life like I am already three fourths dead overcome with dread this disease is now widespread decency I have not a single shread hanging on by a single thread should've turned this ****** dope right back into Sudafed. Deja Vu all things have somehow gone askew just what is it you think I am supposed to do I trust very few well maybe just two one is not me the other is not you. Given chase by things I once did pursue. Haven't got a ******* clue wonder off into the clear blue I try to keep myself out of view penance is long overdue do not judge me until you know what I've been through. Broken spirits send my soul to shatter crazier I am madder than the mad hatter not that it really even seems to matter. swing batter batter **** tends to splatter dark are these thoughts that I attempt to gather a ******* disaster from these terrors I can not run and ******* faster. Of my fate I am no master forever searching for what everyone else is after maddening is the laughter the echo still a factor all the world is a stage everyone is an actor. Prepare for the rapture recapture distractor trapper. All of this has gone straight down the crapper. Vindictive streak. I've  been up an entire week. My intentions reek I don't know what justice I intend to seek I sow now what I'll one day reap now and lay me down to... **** sleep I have too many secrets I must keep. Living my life of repeat actions are louder than mere words proving talk is cheap into the shadows often I retreat to hide from those moments that are bittersweet gone in a heartbeat I cannot admit defeat. Even when I am not able to remain discreet my situation is not so unique.  Especially when I am on straight tweak   incomplete unwilling to trust myself not to misspeak one true deep a broken heap I attempt to render myself obsolete.  A sinner  faithless chased by ghosts that are faceless. In a time that seems fadeless. Traditions that seem ageless valor that is said to be contagious when an ignoramos is made ****** famous by their intentions heinous. Shameless are the brainless that were sent to sustain us unable to cover our bareness with fairness. Nightmarish memories we hope will perish. Spread awareness. The dead stare less and  there is nothing I wish to confess. Other than Im a hot mess with emotions that I cannot seem to express. Under duress I stress more or less here hard to press issues I still need to address. I obsess repossess I congest truth hard to digest under protest. **** with the best and die like all the rest. In these chaotic frabracations,  that are really next level fairy tales demented as hell.  The heroes they have all fell Into worlds that are somehow parallel turning full circles in this **** carasoul. Until I start to feel rather unwell. Right around the time of this epic fail I bid thee a fond fare the well ask no more questions and no lies will I attempt to sell. Dubious interactions can't get no satisfaction riding off in a two wheeled contraption. Without desire withholding passion in true losers fashion. Character's assassin. A week's worth of rations. Hope just for the dashing. Thrashing these drugs here are for stashing. For a party worthy of crashing. Mention it not even in passing. Ever lasting. Broadcasting. Fasting. Reacting. Relaxing everything is so distracting.

Angels do not follow where it is I dare to go, dark is the deadened cold place inside my barren soul. How I got to this low point I don't even know. I jump right down every rabbit hole. These drugs I'm on taking their toil.  Listening to loud rock and roll. Just kinda rocking this bowl.
Because of the trauma I can't let go, I often find myself just as i start losing control. That much colder and more corrupt the older I grow. Emotions pushed down deep so they don't ever show. So **** incomplete don't know how I would ever feel whole.
Here hidden in these shadows of sinister dark, I stab myself with jagged bits of my broken heart.
I am going to do just what I want, I Don't give a ****. Sitting here spitting out the pieces of my broken luck. I am out reaking havoc, I Just run amuck. Joyriding all over this one horse town in a stolen pick up truck. I hit the ground in a manner that's quite abrupt Tearing down these walls I'll soon have to reconstruct. It's just a process that I can not interrupt.. it's another sign that sonn i will self  destruct. In this addict mindset I am struck. Im already out in the open like a sitting duck. Might as well wait a little longer til I become thunderstruck. Even better do exactly as I instruct. It will be a twisted ride, so better buckle up.w
I am the definition of disorderly conduct. Like a valcano my temper sometimes does errupt. I let my hopes just slip from my fingertips, a rose silvered here in the moons eclipse.  I prepare myself for the likelihood of the coming apocalypse. This addiction firmly holds me in it grip. Time for me to take a little trip. I blast off like a ******* rocketship.  I know the pain and suffering this lifestyle inflicts, maybe you'll get out alive if it does permit. The peace of mind I constantly seek it contradicts. The very root of so many of my conflicts. Again and again, out of my chest my heart it rips.  So many things in it's bag of tricks enough to keep you in the mix. Just feast your eyes and let them transfix. If you're going to do something better do it quick. Not that I really think that I am slick but there is a puddle on my pipe that's thicker than a brick. I will smoke it down and you'll never even hear my lighter click. Sick and tired of being tired and sick. Its time for me to flip this script. Showing others the truth this disease never does depict. I am alone in this world of **** trying to force myself into places I just don't fit. as I begin to vanquish demons that reside within. I now know this is a battle I just must win. I writhe around uncomfortable in my own skin. Thankful that mightier than by no swords of sharpene byd steel, is my little fountain pen. I am Tarnished, Silver's evil twin. In full circles I spin and spin. One day perhaps  I'll stop but I don't know when. I hide myself a way in my world of pretend.Go ahead and notify my next of kin. im a washed up has been headed for the ****** bin.
I am lost and confused with a woeful story I couldn't tell. Another basket case burning in their own private hell. Praying I won't fall into these worlds somehow parallel. I turn and turn on this carasoul. Until i start feeling rather unwell.  I tried so **** hard it was an epic fail. It did no good. It was to no avail. Far from this side saving grace I have fell. Skin like that of the living dead just as pale. In my coffin hammer the very last nail. Push me off into the sea help me to set sail. Don't cry for me i bid to you a fond fare-the-well. I just another disturbed character killed off in this demented fairytale.
What have I done. I'm a cause that's so lost. I can't pay the price because I can not afford te cost. I left complete devastation in my very wake. From me this addiction did take and take. My life it did complicate. Compounding every situation I did create. Breathing to life the things I ofen contemplate. I am not the captain of my ship nor was I the mater of my fate. To save me from myself it's now to late. Tripping over things that don't even relate. A perfect **** up perfectly ****** up to this very date. Isn't addiction just ******* great. My soul these demons did ransack. I've done a lot of **** i cannot take back. That's no brag that's just fact. Never knew this would all would cause such  a deep impact. I didn't make it out unscathed integrity intact. I was a dying vessel with a shell so cracked. That it broke all to pieces when I wa attacked. I've moved on now and I'm never ******* coming back. For all purposes now I have faded to black.

Life gives us challenges that we must face and eventually conquer. As I stare off into the wild blue yonder. These deep heavy thoughts i tend to ponder. Like how absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can not seem to defeat the creatures I did conjure. I think I'm a ****** goner. At least I'll know i went out with honor.  My ghosts Im still attempting to conquer.
Maybe if I were just a little bit stronger I could hold on a little bit longer.

Angels do not follow where it is I dare to go, dark is the deadened cold place inside my barren soul. Here hidden in these shadows of sinister dark, I stab myself with jagged bits of my broken heart. I am going to do just what I want, Don't give a ****. Sitting here spitting out the pieces of my broken luck

Am  bombarded by images and voices not meant to last. Here I am fading and I am certain I am fading fast.

I am a broken vessel a mere empty shell harboring all those secrets I can never tell, Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell..

I let my hopes just slip from my fingertips, a rose silvered here in the moons eclipse. There is nothing that I can do when I feel alone and out of place except let mascara streaked tears fall down my face.  

Don't stand there and tell me how to live my life, suicide or homicide as I grip the butcher knife ?

am I really strong appearing to stand tall or if I move do you think I'll probably fall.

Suicide isn't painless and there are monsters that are real, you don't know me nor do you know how I feel.  
I watch as their blood starts to congeal. These bodies I must now conceal. Everything seems to be so surreal. It was probably  definite overkill.

My steady hands have been seen slightly shaking hell I can't even remember all the drugs that I am taking. The problems that lately I've been creating. Is more than a little intimidating.


To ease the pain that lives inside my soul, I soothe the savage  beast with loud rock and roll. Impossible I have been to console. I've gone now to place where Pretty flowers once did grow. I have to reap what I did sew.

I have shattered just like ******* glass. If you aren't helping me up, then you can kiss my ******* *** alone in this world of **** trying to force myself into places I just don't fit. Like an astronaut I blast right off into space. A lost cause A head case, what a waste.


I am spirit that was destine to just be free. Not trying to be anybody but me. I am not really quite sure who that is supposed to be. I'm assuming it's a completely different version of me.

Watch as this sharpened Steele blade slides across my skin, I trying to vanquish demons that reside within. The air perfumed with the scents of *** and sin. Here we ******* go again. Not your foe, but I am a fiend my friend. Spinning in circles has become the newest trend  

I am a legend my fathers legacy they say, I have a hard time believing things will be ok. As of this time and this place it's all discord, and everything is in disarray

I am pretending that there is nothing wrong as I stare off into nothing as I hit the ****. I  do my best to just keep moving on. At this impasse I have stood entirely too long. I am already gone.

when I smoke I smoke strong blowing clouds  thick as hell. I am a bit twisted if you couldn't tell. I move slowly trying not to fall into these worlds that somehow parallel. Spinning in circles, I spin like a top, now  I feel rather unwell. I ******* tried it was an epic fail. An attempt I wasted. It was was no avail.

Demented and perverse. I am Explicit and profane. Im also sincere and insane. I only go crazy when I go sane. I'm still here still writhing in pain. I still miss my cousin Billy Wayne.

I am on another plane. I am in a different dimension.  It might be easier on you if you would just pay attention. In a text message I can read intention. I welcome the King of all King's divine intervention. Actively I am currently seeking redemption.

Hole in my dark dead soul so incomplete I just feel do not feel whole I twist this **** bowl as I spiralling faster out of control. The pain and sorrow I just can not let go. The older that I grow I become the much more corrupt, I am cold. Lock and reload. You're **** straight I am feeling quite bold. Tottering on the brink of another psychotic episode. I break wide open as I implode. Like laundry I know when to fold.

Above me in these tragic skies these dark angry grey clouds forebode. Like a volcano sometimes erupt. I explode. I wasn't even listening so i can't do as I was told. Your **** straight if you think I sm throwed.

At a snail's pace I move forward because I just plain refuse to go ******* straight. Save me from myself don't make me laugh for that it's already too late. In my wake i leave everything on complete devastate. The **** things I sometimes seem to contemplate.

Nothing is  around here but air and opportunity truthfully. What happens when you start a mutiny ruefully, stupidly As usual I am just standing here uselessly.  Too bad I don't have the energy to put in the elbow grease and ingenuity.

It's a ******* travesty. A downright tragedy. That so dramatically someone could throw another person from a balcony, rather casually. It was done so callously an unexcusable casualty. A brutality, a formality, of another type of abnormality. In reality it is a fantastic fatality.

I must admit. I guess I could ******* possibly, Maybe, be a little bit crazy. Although you are quite out of your rabbit *** mind.  Time you simply can not rewind. Nor can you travel back through time. Continuously seeking treasures I doubt I'll  ever find. Out in the sinister darkness of the night I pretty much strolling blind. To **** **** up I am more than a little inclined. To error is completely human but to forgive is divine.

its almost 5 in the morning

Sneaks up without warning
Habit forming
Addictions storming
Dope burning
Stomach churning
Still yearning
Never learning
Its concerning
Its alarming
How I keep returning
Its disturbing
I'm not deserving
Who Am I Becoming

When you look in the mirror and don't recognize your own face
all ****** up you're a ******* head case
The type of lifestyle it creates
Feeling like nothing more than a disgrace
All you really want is just another taste
Of the **** that got you here in the first place

Old habits die hard I believe that to be a fact
Braced myself for the impact
Why do I keep on coming back
Chaos and calamity I attract

Nothing soothes the savage beast
Nothing I do brings me peace
I'm longing for that sweet release
Just a little bit at least

I don't know anything that's worse
Than this generational Curse
Me and my demons converse
Its ****** up when you don't know your worth

Hate the fact that you've got to have it
Do **** near anything to feed the habit
Head so full of ******* static
Earn yourself a straight jacket