All the **** I spout I can't help it sometimes it just comes out.
The explicit lyrics lines and rhymes come from the recess of a disturbed mind. One no doubt demented  permanently. I mean all the time I am perverse just as I am twisted tangled my bare emotions were raw they've been ******* mangled my reach had been kind of angled short of ******* breath I feel like I've been strangled come on now why the ******* trying to judge me like you are one without baby without
any sin. You have no idea what kind of person I am within. One that's always been uncomfortable in her own skin. You don't know where I've been, the places I've visited to from time to time to  time again
This is where it did  all ******* begin To ******* paper I put this
Pen. Outpouring the very depths of my emotions  I am here just going through the motions white hot  flames from  my hell give way to an explosion.  I wish there was at  least one thing to break me wide open.  I promise it wasn't on impulse I didn't even try to think it through. Clearly  reading intent even in text  messages is something I've just become used to. I really dislike all the guys that end up walking around like they're brand new. If you give me a few minutes maybe I can  change your point of view. You seem to think I need help, well of course you do, you seem to think there's something special about you.  If you're expecting Mercy I haven't had a shred. For  awhile ive been walking around like Im already 3 parts dead off of this yellow brick road I began to wander towards the wild blue younder. Absence makes the heart that much fonder. Deep thoughts heavily I ponder.
You and I are not quite the same you are sane going crazy while I crazy going sane. We both have different ways of  processing pain right down to the kind of thoughts we entertain
We don't  even know the same kind  songs we have difference's in rights and wrongs.  We are just as different as day and night. You're as sober as a judge I'm higher than a kite.
We have different fears different things that bring us  joy. We even have  different techniques we tend to employ.  I would rather save you would rather destroy. There's no doubt a difference in the lives we've lived and probably in how we'll eventually die. We do not have to  see eye to eye  to be friends we don't have to the same. So if you want I am down if you're game

I accidently breathed life into the beast that has always seemed to reside deep down inside.
Where my patience is already short supplied.
My sorrow can't ever truly be denied.
Eyes filled with tears that I haven't yet cried.
Where am I going to next I cannot decide.
I may just go ahead and ride the pride,
breaking through to the  other fuclimg side so my cousin I can see.
Him and the rest of my deceased family.
I stand among the debris.
myself I am trying to run from me.
Tomorrow coming holds no gaurettee.
The  only thing that I could ever hope to be is just pain old me.
LOnging to be ******* free
This sinister darkness is ******* foreboding.
feel like I should be exploding.
I am already over loading,
******* hardcoding til I went off roading.
was smoking just floating.
To me this is ******* coping
that is until I start choking.
I am just hoping
the demons I am not provoking.
Surely I am not invoking.
I don't say that lightly for I am not joking.
Promoting their possession of my damaged soul
I travel on to the places even my angels fear to go
I have a feeling that I belong way down way down below.
I'll admit that loud is my rock and  roll I constantly rock this bowl.
so apparently I am no where near being in control.
Im so broken I cannot be whole.
I have been impossible to console.
Then while praying out loud I heard it echo.
Why is I am here in this hellhole.
Armed only with a couple  bullets and  Daddy's pistole.
So don't you be an *******.
Into **** near everything I pour heart and soul.
I jump down another rabbit hole trying to catch that troll.
The horizon is already all aglow.
Did you not ******* know that end up that much more corrupt, I am cold.
This is a demented and perverse Fairytale that has already been told.
Matter of fact it getting rather old.
No questions were asked and there were no lies sold.
Like laundry I know right when to fold.
My ride or die has already died as he rode.
Cracks in my moral code. Life on this dirt road.
You don't have to tell me I know that I am throwed.
I always I end up sitting alone in **** dark,
trying to create a ******* Spark.
So I can watch myself as I stab myself with Jagged pieces of your broken heart. I am waiting on this journey that on which I'll soon embark.
I think It was somone in the hierarch
that to no one else could make an off/ handed remark.
There wasn't one person he didn't appear to outsmart.
It was pretty much his trademark.
My granny is our matriarch.
A Monarc from the trailer park.
Laughing like a loon I have gone mad as in raving stark.
I will not miss my mark,
From generation to generation this knowledge the elders did impart.
Keeping us prayed up on our way back up right from the start.
Feelings serverd now alicart.
I thought I was in prime position to fall apart
Losing myself in the nefarious dark.
My path needs illiumanating someone please light up my dark steps
help me not to be stressed.
I don't need to be obcessed.
MY true self I have surpressed.
I *******  confess
I am nothing but a hot mess
These crazy thoughts infest  
as the truth's hard to digest.
Burning down in the protest
The matriech I was meant to protect.
Now it's save your own *** that 100% in effect.
Spirits from the past I attempt to ressurect
So with the ones I sincerely missed I can soon connect
I wish I could do it imn a manner that was more direct
I don't know it was I did ******* expect
I only brought them back with  much love and respect
Even though my secrets are being safely kept
Still in a few days I haven't yet slept
I am more than a little wrecked
Emotionally broken in every aspect
on my traumatic past I reflect
I am in fact the suspect
on a rather touchy ******* subject
I am feeling pretty **** inept
I think maybe I need God to intercept
Outside my mind I have stepped
This is something I can accept
Over this unbearable pain I have wept
These memories from the past I try to eject
off into space I blast like a space cadet
perfect I **** up, I am a **** up perfect
I am sure I am one that won't be easy to forget
At making things worse I am indeed quite deft
The weight of the world on my shoulders I try to heft
What to expect from someone who's went this far left
The pain in my brain has been etched
The situations far to complex
The sorrow a ******* side effect
Wading in the pool of past regret
looking back in retrospect
smoking the day's last cigarette
while my thoughts I try to recollect

Truth be known it will probably be from the cradle to the grave before it's all said and done. Either way I am telling you straight that I am not the ******* one. Issues I have a ******* ton. Yet I have just barely begun. I am not better than anyone and better than me there is none. My light won't shine any brighter if I was to ***** out your flame. To try and destroy others is not my game. I am not sane going crazy, I am only crazy when I go sane. The details now are getting more difficult for me to retain. I am broken beautifully and controlled by what's left of my left -sided brain. Who the **** am I too ******* complain.  My turmoil and tranquility mix just like my pleasure and my pain.
From my tragic skies I am falling freely
Or is it freely falling the nefarious shadows are calling
These spirits are stalling
From these drugs I am withdrawing
Once again that inevitable has been delayed. As the creatures I conjure, they betray. Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day leaving me speechless I have nothing left up to say
Instead of being good at it I'll  at least try to behave what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade think I might have incited a a ******* riot. For the voices In my head have gone quiet.
Go  On I dare you to try it don't dare deny it. Someone's coming lie hid
Til the flames are ignited. **** I think that I'm getting excited I am **** near delighted  my wrongs now about to be righted expedited apart we are divided together we stand United
Let someone come in uninvited and **** will get a little one sided
Oh wait all of this is contained in my brain
In all reality I'm pushing through the pain it's enough to drive a sane person crazy and a crazy person sane. I don't have blue eyes so I am not a blue eyed ***** crying in the rain. I am explicit and profane. I talk to these spirits from a totally different plane it's hard to explain when the thoughts are just rattling around inside my brain
I am still here unscathed integrity intact  how did I do this that in fact chaos and calamity I attract I'm a **** magnet to be exact braced myself for the impact
A life changing transformation  
Once Beautifully broken now a recreation grand All done by God's hand.  All along he must have had it planned. Now I think I'm beginning to understand.
It's his will not mine, mine gets me into an escalating situation every time. To error is human to forgive devine. What was lost in me he did find
Today I stop to just breathe and pray
It's actually a much better way. I do finally believe that I'm going to be okay. I flickered like a flame going out but I wasn't blown away.

All night Ive Just been sitting
here as I blow smoke. I must be a **** comedian  because my life is a joke. My obvious intention is to get ****** up. I am getting closer to self destruct I am just as cold as I am corrupt.  I for a minute lost myself in a blur as I was starting to flicker and fade
Instead of my light dying on it  has stayed. Far from my saving Grace I've strayed. Leading the ghosts I got for the heroes I have decided to trade. Hand well ******* played. I remain unafraid I don't have to sit here and throw shade. This is probably my last escapade. My last ******* crusade. I am a ******* renegade
That can not be ******* saved.
From my intentions I won't be swayed
Once again that enievidable has been delayed.
As the creatures conjure me they betray.
Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day I'm speechless I have nothing left to say
Instead of being good at it I'll only try to behave
what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade.
Thinking back on all the mistakes I have made
The pen mightier than a sharpened stainless steel blade.
Life is still just a ******* cherade. That we've all played. There's a fine line between stupidly and being brave. You can't be the hero if you end up being laid in your grave. To living and dying by the sword you've become a slave. Washed in a ******* tidal wave. I have freely given all I have gave. Now is the perfect time for me to just ******* fade to black
I don't plan on ever ******* come back. That's not brag that's just fact.
Sick of all the chaos that I attract. Even if I am rather in apt I know that there's no doubt I will soon. Adapt.  Here we go again I am starting to feel ******* trapped. Like against me all odds have been stacked. From all angles now I think I am  being attacked. I have to make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
I hear music playing in the background even when the radio isnt on. That probably means that inside my head that something is quite wrong. I just noticed it because I have been this way so **** long. Trying to force myself to belong. Blowing thick clouds as I smoke strong. It's impossible for me to truly move on because I am already ******* gone. I evaporated along with the smoke from the ****. Like the music I always hear in the background I'll play on .

When I was a lot younger I was just getting though a few things that were very traumatic. When I came across something I actually made me feel ******* fantastic. The changes that occured me were pretty much automatic. The changes were so rapid that my whole world was rearranged it was rather drastic.
At that time I could see how my life has become chaotic as well as problematic. I was seriously distracted. In those moments my entire life had been quite deeply impacted. I was still eager to use in fact I was enthusiastic. A lot of it was the situation had been crafted. Off into to space I often blasted. I couldn't see how from my happiness this had subtracted. Looking back I am ****** ashamed of how I sometimes acted. Seriously I'm still flabbergasted at how long this has lasted. Just maybe one day I'll actually get passed it. My thoughts turned erratic my heart beat was sporadic. At that time I could not see that it was ******* tragic. I was still enchanted by its ******* magic. I was handed a habit. I tried to stay lit as ****. The problem was I didn't understand it. Probably because I was the highest ******* on the planet O ended up turning in a. Fanatic that's when I began to panic. This was a completely different dynamic. Entirely psychosomatic I ended up pretty phlegmatic. Now I have just about had it. Not that I'm trying to melodramatic. I am just a ******* addict with a head full of ******* static.

Beats my heart sporadically inside my chest
I know what and how I feel but mere words could never express
I am sick of this seemingly lack of happiness. Peace is just a fabled myth. If it's me you ask for all these years I've sought after it like it was an easy task.
Days seem to go by in a flash.
The beautiful pain burning down til nothing is left but ash.
As the dawn begins to slowly fade like the shadows from the night.
It's entirely possible that my eyes just aren't quite right
I have been gifted with a blessing, a curse of a different kind of sight.
That knows no bounds, no dark, no light
It sees all time both fast forward and behind. Sometimes I think I would rather be blind.
Being separated from these ties that bind
Have me searching for the comfort that very seldom I find. I travel far enough outside of my own mind.
These memories that soon fade into images dark disappearing fast
Were not meant to ******* forever last it does remind us of our past
where it wounds our souls so vast
Such pain we never could have seen in our forecast.
Sometimes my loved ones that are already on the other side tempt me to ride. Ride the pride.
I am hoping God let's all of these transgressions slide.
I try to take it all in great stride.
I struggle to push it all aside
For sometime now I have wanted to reclaim the tears I have cried.
I especially failed although I tried it to no avail.
In vain and desperation I find myself turning in full circles on this carousel.
Until I start to feel rather unwell. To be forever trapped in ones head is a special kind of hell
I want to think I am more than a throwed off character in a disturbing fairy tale. I hate when all the smoke in the room grows stale
Ask me no **** questions and no lies will I sell.
Thick clouds I blow because in fact I smoke strong
I've been standing at this impasse way too **** long
One day I'll figure out exactly where I belong staring off into nothing as I continue to hit the ****.
The person that I once was is now gone.
Perhaps one I'll get something right instead of doing it all wrong
A new rhythm a different melody, another tune
That reminds me that indeed somewhere out there is a neon moon. I go Stark raving mad and start laughing like a ****** toon
It feels like I'm being crushed under the weight of the pending doom
That has me completely closed in inside of the room
So that it is almost as dark as a tomb.
There are no rays of tainted light to cut through the gloom.
Randomly little pieces of myself are beginning to disappear so while looking out windows clear
I wonder if anyone that is there is even really here
The words that I write couldn't be more sincere I hold on tightly to the things I cherish and those that I hold dear.
Hold my throttle, Hold my beer, Hold my sorrow, hold my fear.
Hold me close as I hold you near.
Days often fly by like minutes and sometimes minutes drag on for what feels like days.
Not one of us is perfect we are all set in our own ways. I think I somehow I
fell right into the craze
I find myself reeling in a fantastic daze
Head up in the clouds of a purple haze
This is no passing phase. Silver tongued I can easily coin a phrase.
So often my chosen path leads me astray. The YouTube song list just blares away stuck on replay
As is soothes the savage beast that currently I'm trying to hold at bay.
Every other sentence I write sounds at least to me so cliche
It doesn't matter though no one listens to me anyway
I would much rather rule the night than seize the day.
Every word that is softly utter drips with so much disdain. It would do no **** the good for me to complain.
In this hell of my own creation I am destined to remain
These shadows truly seem like they contain
The more nortious bits of me that are often quite ****** and profane
My world will never again feel the same
Not since I lost my cousin Billy Wayne. To say the least that is a **** shame. Rather it's another Dimension or a different plane
I am here just writhing in the pain. It leaves me often as start to entertain these thoughts so **** inhumane. It's not an action that I could even explain. It all rattles around loudly inside my brain. I am not sane going crazy I am only crazy when I go sane. I thank God for this Mary Jane I have wrapped in cellophane.
A rose that you call by another name is just as sweet for it smells the same
Sometimes I wonder if I am really fine when talking to inanimate objects myself I often find
They say to error is human but to forgive is divine.
I believe that with this whole heart of mine.
I push down so **** deep all of this emotion
Pushing it deeper than the deepest ocean
Truly alive now where at one time I was just going through the motion.
What's going on there seems to be a lot of commotion
It's like somehow I was the one that was chosen. in a Single moment I was frozen
our destiny's are already woven
That sent a spark that triggered the implosions
That have broken me wide open
Sometimes I think that all of  us human are bound to make mistake after mistake
In my very ******* wake I leave everything on completely devastate
Especially as of late I have no doubt these problems of mine I alone create.
More often than not it's when I am not thinking straight and I am unable to concentrate
Life is what I complicate when these evil thoughts I contemplate
Feelings go ignored unable to regulate
The voices inside of head spark a debate
As their meetings I facilitate
I hate to hurry up just so that I can wait
I can't help but to ******* self medicate
Isn't addiction just great
When the voices I hear in my head adopt plans of homicide them I must exonerate
I try at least to keep them half *** on sedate
I'm a **** up you're **** straight
I've made a mess of my mental state
I don't wish to repeat my history
I have more than enough pain and misery
If just someone could save myself from me
Save myself from me and set me ******* free
There are so many things I  knowingly suppress
Still quite a few issues that I need to address
I just don't want to end up beginning to obsess digging in deep inside of my brains recess until I finally just ******* regress
Another world I see when I look towards the wild blue yonder as off this yellow brick road I begin to wander
There are deep thoughts I often ponder
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I don't know what else I should say perhaps I've already said it all
Hopefully I will be able to stand tall perhaps if I move I will not falter nor will I fall. I just pray that this time I don't end up losing my mind in the bathroom stall of some forgotten yet rather ungodly hall
I strive to do better, to be more, to keep in sight what I am fighting for
Reminding myself as well as others that God opens a window when he closes a door.
I have no doubt I can feel it deep down inside my very core
We all wonder sometimes what kind of fate Destiny has in store
To God in heaven I implore
Please I can't handle going through anything painful anymore
Just like I am standing still time passes me right by
That is when I'm in desperate need of iron clad alibi
Some sort of fabricated fiction or even a down right lie
Would be better than saying I was out somewhere climbing higher to get myself high
Forever chasing smoke clouds and spirits but I don't know why
With all of my sin
I must contend
Not giving up but pushing on until the end. I hope that when I blowing in the rising wind I don't break that I just bend
Family decision we all have a different vision
All of us diseased by some sort of addiction
This woebegone tale is fact Instead of fiction
In fact it appears to be a family tradition
I myself am on another mission
To rewrite our story a drug free edition.
I am done I've said just about all I care to say tonight
My soul I truly did outpour with every word that I did write
Finally dwindling down the flames burning in my hell aren't so bright, they only slightly illuminate the night. I am higher than a ******* kite but that is quite alright for it is time for bed sweet dreams and good night don't let the bed bugs bite.

Heavy on my mind all these thoughts have weighed.
  Instead of being good just try to behave.
Life is really just a ******* charade
Everyone always trying to throw shade.
Randomly the memories just invade
as I am attempting to evade.
It's here that I cannot be swayed
for every lost soul I have Prayed.
I continue to masquerade
as down my face the tears cascade.
Listening on!y to the wind deep in its seranade.
I travel on this my own escapade,
probably my final crusade.
I have never been ***** made.
I remain unafraid.
I'm a ******* renegade.
I hope all my transgressions I hope have been forgave.
I may be a sinner faithless but I am washed in the blood of Jesus so I'm someone you cannot enslave. It's still a hand that has been well played.

Cold chills run up and down my spine like someone is a walking on my grave.
Me from myself can someone attempt to ******* save.
This dirt road I took it on myself to just have it paved. Far from it's beaten path I have strayed.
My hero's for ghosts I really did trade.
I think perhaps my welcome I have over stayed.
There is still blood staining my switchblade.
To pitch black I'm here just trying to fade
Every year that passes feels like it has been a decade. By the creatures that I conjured I have been betrayed. Covering the  stench is death's bouquet.
I can still smell the corpses as they decay.
No one listens to me anyway.
Every other sentence so cliche.  
Falling from the sky mayday mayday, mother ******* daymay.
I refuse to put myself on display.
Like a flame burning out I flicker til I am blown away.

Thick clouds I tend to blow for I just keep smoking strong.
I am trying to just keep moving on.
The person I used to be, She is long
gone.
Searching out the place she might feel like finally she does belong.
Rather it been right or just plan wrong
Up all ******* night long
I stare off into nothing just ripping the ****.
Grass always greener  when it is Someone else 's lawn.
Brains over brawn.
I have gave chase to what I think could have been a supernatural phenomenon.
Someone help me catch this ******* leprechaun.

I have been through so ******* much that I still I am writhing in ******* pain.
Mere words alone just could never truly explain.  
The sorrow that not even both my heart and soul can seem to contain.
Every word I utter drips with much disdain.
It's really quiet a **** shame.
Not one single things every remains the same.
I often find the thoughts so inhumane
are usually the ones I attempting to entertain.
I talk to spirits that exist in a completely different plane.
I am not sane going crazy I  am only crazy when I go sane.
A rose that you call by another name  emits a fragrance just the same
Hazel -Green eyes can't even cry in the ******* rain. Twisted thoughts keep rattling around in brain.
It's so hard for me to try and maintain
unless I have Mary Jane.
**** it Cuz. I still ******* you Billy Wayne.

The calamity of the chaos is in very creation.
These drugs I use for everyday recreation.
I get the highest in the lowest location.
I have no idea how far away is my destination
I don't even have a rough ******* estimation
How quickly begins the so called escalation
When It is already a dangerous situation
I have prayed for a life changing transformation
Instead of the possibility of eternal damnation
I'm currently actively seeking solace as well as salvation

A cause that was somehow better off being lost you see
The only person that I actually aspire to be is just me
I m not sure that I have become just who I am suppose to be
That's just part of this so-called  broken ******* mentality
That has led the way to my very distorted sense of reality
Placing all these principles before such varied personalities
How could I create such a travesty and tragically
Throw a ******* from a balcony so ******* casually
Callously creating another casualty. A ******* brutality
It's another ******* fatality  that has become an actuality