If love makes the world goes round,
why does hate have the most hits online?

The boy lay motionless
two dogs munched happily on his corpse

I was in bed the other night with Fat Bertha.

She was eating a ham sandwich and drinking a can of coke.

"You know what babe?", she said, in between mouthfuls,
"I fancy a trip to the seaside. What do you reckon?"

I nodded my approval, looked at the breadcrumbs and coke stains on her ample *****, licked my lips, then accepted the offer of a bit of rumpy.

In the morning we did indeed visit the seaside.

We drove to Brighton and had a walk on the prom, ate some chips, rode some fairground rides, drank some beer, then had ice cream.

I even held hands with Fat Bertha as we drunkenly stumbled along the beach.

She then dragged me under the pier and ravaged me rotten.
Phewee!

After a few more drinks and lots of silly behaviour, myself and Fat Bertha got a train back home.

In bed, after a terrific day, I kissed her tenderly on the lips. She smiled, gently returning a kiss as we cuddled and fell asleep in each other's arms.

                        


   X  ❤️ X

My mate Eddie once had a pet badger called Baxter.

He used to play football with him all the time. I was well jealous, so one day I pinched the ball. Eddie searched high and low for it.

In the meantime Baxter got bored waiting and ran away.

Soon enough Eddie started knocking for me to come out and play again.

I ******* hated that badger.

Once upon a time,
there lived a rabbit named Beatrice.
She was a naughty bunny, always
eating the farmer's cabbages.
One day, the farmer shot her.

I was kissing Bertha's belly last night.

She kept saying it tickled and tried to push me further down.

Good things come to those who wait,
I told her.

"Dad."

"Yes, son."

"Have you ever got a carrot stuck up your ***?"

"Can't say I have."

"Hmm, I'll see you in a bit. I'm off to the hospital."

"Ok, what?!"

The other day I was in my lounge eating a toblerone when Bertha walked in,

"Ooh babe, save me a bit, will ya?"

"Oh, ******* Bertha, let me enjoy it."

"I thought you loved me."

"Yeah, but.."

"Ok, be like that. I just bought some chocolate trifles. I think I'll have one now."

What a crafty minx she was. Bertha knows I adore chocolate trifles.

"Ok beautiful, here you go, have my last two pieces."

She swiped them without hesitation, chucking them into her mouth and barely chewing before swallowing them almost whole.

"Mmm, yummy. So babe, you wanna a trifle?"

"Yes, please."

"You'll have to chase me for one."

So I chased her around the house. For a big girl, Bertha can't half shift. I had trouble keeping up.

Eventually she tripped and landed on the sofa face up. Her large shapely ***** heaved as she gathered her breath.

Bertha's arms were outstretched.
Joining her,
I gladly let them envelop me.

We kissed passionately.

I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes and felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

We kissed a bit more before I led her to the bedroom.

Settling back on the sofa, Bertha and I snuggled.We watched TV and ate the remaining trifles.

What a gal.

Santa drew heavily on a cigarette,

"I'm knackered."

Mrs. Claus softly stroked his white hair and kissed each of his rosy cheeks,

"You've done well my love, the children are why you do it. May they smile upon this festive day."

Santa nodded in agreement, stubbed the cigarette out on the bedside ashtray, then fell into a deep and satisfying sleep.

Mrs. Claus switched off the bedroom light.

The old geezer that served me in the local shop today looked very sad.
I said to him,

Alright, cockle? How's it hanging?

He barred me from the shop

Some people, honestly.

Forgive me Father
I have sinned

last night I fornicated
with Fat Bertha
and told her I loved her

she cried with joy

when I left her house
I got a taxi to Randy Sue's
and ploughed her till the morning

My son, what sin do you believe
you have committed?

I told my mum I'd be home
for dinner

Sun a risin'
pigeons coo
woodpecker chips away
fox with her cubs
hidden amongst the long shrubs
it's the start of a brand new day

🎶  Ding **** merrily on high
in heaven the bells are ringing
Ding **** verily the sky
I can't stand Bertha's singing 🎶

Fat Bertha
bad headache in excelsis 🎶

I wrote some rhymes
I've had fun times
but for now
I must win Bertha's heart

I may be back
when I'm back on track
I bid you farewell
as I depart

She's big and round
with baps that bounce
I get ridden by her every night
she's not as **** as Randy Sue
and nowhere near as tight

When I was younger I always found slim chicks attractive. The mere sight of a bit of blubber turned me right off.

Now I'm older I prefer a woman with jiggly bits. Fat Bertha was key in this change. She's a doll. She's also not that intelligent but I can live with that cos she has a heart of gold and knows all the right buttons to press.

As  for Randy Sue, she's in it for the rumpy pumpy, which I enjoyed immensely but compared to Fat Bertha she's no competition.

Therefore, I have asked Fat Bertha to be my official girlfriend.
She has accepted and these last few weeks have been amazing.
She makes a mean shepherds pie and always has cakes on the go.

We're gonna spend Christmas together and who knows I may even pop the question.

Summing up, I can't wait to spend the rest of my days with the most gorgeous *** I've ever laid eyes on.
Also, she is the most kind and funny woman I have known.

** ** ** , merry Christmas 🌲

When I was a young lad I often ate tadpoles. I used to hope a frog would grow inside of me.Apparently this is not uncommon with mental people.

God looked down on earth,

To think, it took me six days to create that and all it took was an apple and a snake to mess it all up.

So, I was just thinking,
which I often do,
and I realised
that
if I didn't have a head
it would be quite hard
to wear hats.

Fat Bertha opened her front door.
She was dressed in a sheer negligee and a seductive smile.

"Hello babe", she purred, "will I do?".

I admired her full figure, scarcely hidden beneath.

I could hardly catch a breath before she dragged me inside and ravaged me.

I only popped round to borrow some teabags.

Timmy! Stop disrupting the class!

But Miss, it's true!

Nobody wants to know about your dog's lipstick. Now, be quiet!

Mum keeps her lipstick in her handbag.

Right, go and stand in the corner.

I was eating a maggot the other day
when a big bluebottle started to attack me. I swatted the ******* and ate him for afters.

My ex girlfriend Mary was the love of my life. We dated while at school.

One night we had a curry together at my house.

She absolutely stunk out the toilet after eating too much.

This made me violently sick when I breathed in the stench and saw the splats all over the pan.

I never spoke to her again.

I was awoken this morning by the neighbours' dog, Rex.

He barks nonstop and hates my cat Hector, so he's not very popular in our house.

I stumbled down the stairs to grab some breakfast.

Mum was shaking her head in disbelief,

"That ****** dog is sending me nuts. Have a word with Mrs Brown will ya?"

I nodded, then went to knock for Mrs Brown.

Upon opening the door, Rex bounded through the hallway launching himself on me.

"Hello Rex", I said, patting him as he wagged his very long tail.

Mrs Brown was looking me up and down,

"I know, I know, he's been barking again. I'm so sorry, tell you what darling, do you want to come in?"

She winked, then swayed her ample **** from side to side.

This made me feel quite uneasy.

"Erm, no, I .. er ..could you maybe try to keep him a tad quieter Mrs Brown?
My Mum you see .."

Quick as a flash, she pulled me inside. Next thing I knew, Rex had ran off and I was left with a middle aged buxom *** starved ****** sticking her tongue down my throat.

"Come on big boy, you know you want it. I've seen you looking at me."

I panicked. By now, she had her hungry hands yanking down my trousers.

I made a dash for the front door and promptly fell over. This excited her even more.

"You don't get away that easy. " she shouted, as I scrambled my way out of her house and back home to Mum.

"Well, did you have a word?" Mum asked.

I nodded, then shook my head.

Mum smiled knowingly,

"Oh, son. You do make me laugh! I guess we'll have to put up with the barking then. Whatever will Bertha think? Haha ha, she's a randy old **** is Mrs Brown."

I'm starting to think Mum set me up.

"Mum?"

"Yes, darling?"

"I asked Fat Bertha to marry me."

"And?"

"She said yes!"

"Oh, that's fantastic! You are a very lucky boy. Women like Bertha don't come along very often."

"I know. I'm over the moon."

"If it all goes wrong, remember there's always Mrs Brown next door. Haha ha!"

"Oh, God no. That woman needs locking up. I barely got out alive last time I knocked."

"It's your rugged good looks, son."

"I dunno about that. I think she'd pounce on any fella with a pulse."

"Hee hee, funny boy. So, will I be a grandmother this time next year?"

"Blimey Mum, we're not even married yet."

"Bet your getting in plenty of practice though."

"Jesus! Stop it, you're embarrassing me."

"Aw, my little soldier is getting wed. You make me so proud you do."

"Love you, Mum."

"Love you too sweetheart. Now, can you pop next door, I need to borrow some sugar."

"Mum!!!"

Simon is funny one. He eats soup with a fork and drinks water from a toilet pan.I often wonder if we are related.

Last Christmas he handed me a big box with a bow on it.I ripped it open in anticipation and found inside a rotten apple.

Strange gift, I thought, so I pinned him to the floor and farted in his face. He giggled and shouted for more.

Only last week he was at it again. This time he was farting into empty jam jars and quickly ******* the tops back on to trap his efforts.

He may be a ****** but I do like him.
My mum on the other hand, gets very angry with him.

I think it's time to put him down.

Some say,
           live life to the full.
I say,
      full?

Sausages and bacon
with a tomato
sounds quite nice
I used to have an itchy head
which now I know was lice

Peter the owl was sitting on my knee earlier. I asked him," Do you know a good Doctor?"
He replied," Hoo"

It took me a while but I eventually got his poor attempt at a joke.

"Hello babe, it's Bertha. What you up to?"

"I'm doing the Times crossword."

"Ooh, aren't you the intelligent one."

"I'm stuck on seven down. The clue is 'What's big and fat and gagging for a bunk up?' "

"Oh, that's a tough one babe. Is it a walrus? "

"You know what? I think you may be right."

I looked at the old photo in my hand.

Hi Dad, you handsome devil.

Tears welled up as I traced my forefinger across his face.

I'm getting married.
Can you believe it?
Her name is Bertha and she's a fine lass. She's very funny, just like you.

We're spending Christmas together,here, with Mum and Simon.
We all miss you ever so much.

Rex, Mrs Brown's dog was barking again. I rolled my eyes and let a little smile escape.

Dad, I love you and always will.
Take care.

Placing the photo back on the mantle piece , the floodgates opened and I sobbed.

Mum entered the living room,

"Oh, darling, come here."

Hugging her tightly, I felt like a child once more.

Rest easy Dad, we will meet again.

The other day I was lounging on the sofa, flicking through the latest offerings on Netflix.

Same old story, I waste ages doing this, then end up watching Prison Break for the umpteenth time.

Mum had gone to bingo with Fat Bertha and Simon was out with Sharon, probably hugging trees or eating a salad somewhere.

The phone rang,


Hello?


Hello lover, did you miss me?


Oh crap, it was Randy Sue,


You never called. Where have you been big boy? Mama needs some lovin'.


Oh, er .. hi, Sue. I've been busy. Look, I'm with Fat Bertha now, so ..


You what? She's enormous! Get your *** round to mine and I'll show you what a real woman is.


Hey! Don't disrespect Bertha! She's a beautiful soul. We had our fun, Sue. Time to move on.


Is Simon dating anyone?


Yes he is. Let's call this a goodbye shall we? Take care.


Bye, lover, good luck with the walrus.


You really are an unpleasant woman, Sue. My Bertha is worth ten of you.


She's as big as ten of me! Ha ha ha.


I hung up.

Just then an SMS came through from Mum,


See you in an hour or so, me and Bertha love you **


I typed a reply,


Can't wait to see my two favourite women in the whole wide world. Love yous **


I looked back at the screen, then clicked on Prison Break.

"Bertha."

"Yes, babe."

"I'm crazy about you. I've always dreamt of finding a gal who gives me butterflies in my stomach."

"Aw, you are sweet! I'm crazy about you too."

"I was wondering.. er.. well, I ..erm."

"Spit it out you silly sausage."

"Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

"Yes! Of course I will!
Nothing would make me more happy.
Although, I'll have to go on a diet for the wedding day. Gotta look my best."

"Oh, please don't. I fell for you just the way you are."

"So you like me the weight I am?"

"Bertha, whatever weight you are I will always love you. I just don't want you to think being slimmer will make you more attractive to me."

"Shall we celebrate and eat some chocolate trifles?"

"Too right! But not before we work up an appetite!"

"Ooh, babe. Give us a kiss."

"It would be my pleasure."

Rex was relaxing on the lounge floor.Mrs Brown had fed him and he was tired from a run in the park.

Thoughts gathered in his mind. He wondered why the next door neighbours disliked him so much.

Maybe it was because they couldn't understand that his constant barking was purely his version of talking. It gets a bit lonely with no other dogs to play with at home.

Which brought him to think of Hector, the cat. Rex actually liked him and the chasing and barking again was just him playing.

He wished that humans could realise that he in fact was a different creature than them and not to judge his actions as threatening.

Mrs Brown was a good owner and great companion. She made sure he was watered,fed and walked frequently.

Rex's greatest pleasure in life was darting around the nearby fields, sniffing out trails, running with other dogs, basically being himself.

He pined for a bit of female company too and longed to be a father to a brood of puppies.

Rex let out a big sigh.

He spotted Hector through the window, jumping into his garden.

Out he went, barking and chasing..

Hector delighted in the scene he had created.

Rex wagged his tail.

.

Jesus.

Yes?

Do you believe in Santa?

Do you believe in God?

Yea, of course. He's your dad.

You have your answer.

Do I ?

Pass me another beer. It's going to be a long night.

So, Fat Bertha asked me to read to her some of my poems. I did this and the silly cow laughed so hard she wet her knickers.

Blimey, she's a crazy **** but I love her.

My mum thinks she's brilliant. In fact they've taken to going to bingo together and coming back half cut.

I sit there with Hector my cat on my lap while they **** themselves laughing telling me all about the fun they had getting drunk and winning the occasional cash prize or bottle of bubbly.

Mum has always made me laugh. Even when the chips are down and life is testing, she makes me smile.

Dad died when I was young. He was my hero. I think she made it her life's mission to keep me happy.  I am blessed.

Fat Bertha is now ordering some knickers off Amazon,while Mum is watching the new Dexter series.

Life is pretty good right now.

"Son, I think we need an intervention with Simon."

"How do you mean, Mum?"

"It's that Sharon. She's no good for him. Annoying as he usually is, this new version of him is starting to worry me."

"I know what you mean.The Simon we all know has been replaced by a tree hugging vegan with the sense of humour of a house brick. I'll have a word with Bertha, she has a few single friends."

"I'm way ahead of you, darling. Her mate Sue is coming round later."

"Sue? Not, Randy Sue?"

"That's the one. Do you know her?"

"Mum, you can't let her round. Me and Sue, well.."

"Oh God, you've dipped your wick there haven't you?"

"Erm...just promise me you'll cancel it, please."

"Too late for that. This is for the good of your brother. Besides, you have Bertha now. What's the problem?"

"Mum.. this is a bad idea."

The doorbell rang.
Mum shouted from the kitchen,

"Simon, get the door,love."

She was hatching her plan.
Whilst I was fearing the worse.

In walked Simon, followed by Bertha and Randy Sue.
Bertha embraced me with a kiss,

"Hi babe, this is my mate, Sue."

I knew oh too well who it was. Sue was dressed to the nines in a figure hugging little black dress,

"Erm.. yes, hi there Sue. How's it going?"

Sue was beaming with a smile of delight.

"Hiya, I see you're gonna make an honest woman of Bertha. Lord knows, it's about time she slowed down."

Bertha giggled and motioned me to follow her.

"Sue, me and my babe are popping to pick up a takeaway for us all. Keep Simon company will ya?"

Simon, was looking a bit confused by the situation. Sue has already made a beeline for him and had him sitting with her on the sofa.

Mum, it seemed, had gone out.

I looked at Fat Bertha, she winked and led us out of the front door,

"It's ok babe, your Mum has gone to bingo and we're gonna meet her there."

"What about the takeaway?", I asked.

"There is no takeaway, silly."

So, off we went to the bingo. Drinks flowed freely as I tried to forget what was occurring.

The ladies were in their element, laughing and joking like a couple of naughty schoolgirls.

A few hours passed and after winning a bottle of champagne and swiftly consuming it, we all jumped in a return taxi.

Mum had got talking to her friend Ethel and got dropped off first, telling us she was staying the night for a catch up and more drinking.

Back home, Bertha and I, a little worse for wear, bundled through the front door.

There we found Sue on her own.

"Hiya, guys. Simon got called away by his girlfriend. I thought I'd wait for you to come back. Sorry Bertha, it seems my charms had no effect tonight. I must be losing my touch."

"Oh well, you tried. Babe, sort us out a drink."

"Sure." I replied, catching a seductive glance from Sue.

We all got stuck into some beers, with Sue and Bertha acting outrageously, whilst I laughed along.

Bertha kept complimenting me on how I looked and how lucky she was to have me. I told her I was the lucky one and how proud I was to be her man. Soon enough, we started making out.

Sue sighed, "It's not fair. You two have each other tonight and I'm on my lonesome."

Bertha giggled, "I'm sure we can make room for one more."

Before I knew it, they were both yanking my clothes off, as well as their own.

Bertha stroked my chest, "One night only my love.It is Christmas after all."

Sue licked her lips as she shimmied out of her *******,

"Come on lover, take us both."

I looked at Bertha.She smiled and nodded slowly.


Merry Christmas!

My brother Simon brought his new girlfriend round for dinner last night. Her name is Sharon and she's as thin as a rake.

Me and Fat Bertha were tucking into a Chinese Takeaway while Sharon made hard work of a bowl of lentil soup.
Simon had a bowl as well. I think he had it to impress her. Usually he would have what everyone else was eating.

"'Ere Sharon, do you want a pancake roll?", piped up Bertha.

Sharon politely shook her head.

"Oh well, waste not, want not." continued Bertha as she stuffed the entire Pancake Roll in her gob.

I saw Simon almost laugh but quickly covered it up with a fake cough.

Mum, never one to beat about the bush, joined in,

"How come you so skinny Sharon? ",

she then addressed Simon,

"Can't you feed her up, son? Your brother's got the right idea, Bertha ain't shy of a plate of food.",

Mum turned towards me and my beautiful babe,

"Plenty to love there, eh son?"

I laughed and nodded enthusiastically while Bertha polished off a spare rib.

Mum's right of course.

I hope Simon is happy with Sharon but
I suspect it won't last. I doubt he'll be able to keep up the act for much longer.

Not everyone can be as lucky in love as me and Fat Bertha.

Ethel, my mum's best mate
just sent me a WhatsApp message;

I need some stuffing for my bird,
can you help?

***** *****

I blocked her

Ted looked in the mirror,
"You've still got it, you **** beast",
he told myself with a wink.

After emptying his colostomy bag, Ted flushed the toilet, then crawled to the top of the staircase.

Slipping a ready made noose around his neck, Ted pulled himself up to almost standing.

"**** this for a game of soldiers",
he yelled, before hauling his broken body over the bannister.

A few years ago I found a dog wandering the streets on its own.
I went to stroke him and he cowered.

Oh dear, I thought.

Just then, Fat Bertha appeared on the scene,

"You found my dog. Thank you babe."

She kissed me on the cheek and weirdly, squeezed my crotch.

I looked at the dog, who was now wagging his tail, then looked at Bertha's ample baps.

"Well?", she said, "Do you want to come back to mine for your reward?"

I nodded.

We were at it all night.

I was talking to the Man in the Moon last night. I asked him,

Hey dude, what's your deal with cheese?

He replied,

I hate the stuff. I'm more of a kebab man.

Puzzled, I pressed him,

But you're made of cheese, right?

That was a lie started by the government to make use of surplus supplies of milk.

he responded.

I was intrigued,

So, where do you buy your kebabs?

The Man in the Moon laughed,

You do realise you are talking to yourself and I do not exist?

He was right,
I'm not touching **** ever again.