Peter the owl was sitting on my knee earlier. I asked him, "Do you know a good doctor?"
He replied, "Hoo."

It took me a while, but I eventually got his poor attempt at a joke.

Sausages and bacon,
with a tomato,
sounds quite nice.
I used to have an itchy head,
which now I know was lice.

Simon is a funny one. He eats soup with a fork and drinks water from a toilet pan. I often wonder if we are related.

Last Christmas, he handed me a big box with a bow on it. I ripped it open in anticipation and found inside a rotten apple.

Strange gift, I thought, so I pinned him to the floor and farted in his face. He giggled and shouted for more.

Only last week, he was at it again. This time, he was farting into empty jam jars and quickly ******* the tops back on to trap his efforts.

He may be a ******, but I do like him.
My mum, on the other hand, gets very angry with him.

I think it's time to put him down.

My ex-girlfriend Mary was the love of my life. We dated while at school.

One night, we had a curry together at my house.

She absolutely stunk out the toilet after eating too much.

This made me violently sick when I breathed in the stench and saw the splats all over the pan.

I never spoke to her again.

My mate Eddie once had a pet badger called Baxter.

He used to play football with him all the time. I was well jealous, so one day I pinched the ball. Eddie searched high and low for it.

In the meantime, Baxter got bored waiting and ran away.

Soon enough, Eddie started knocking for me to come out and play again.

I ******* hated that badger.

When I was a young lad, I often ate tadpoles. I used to hope a frog would grow inside of me. Apparently, this is not uncommon among mentally unstable people.

Ted looked in the mirror.
"You've still got it, you **** beast,"
he told himself with a wink.

After emptying his colostomy bag, Ted flushed the toilet, then crawled to the top of the staircase.

Slipping a ready-made noose around his neck, Ted pulled himself up to almost standing.

"**** this for a game of soldiers,"
he yelled, before hauling his broken body over the bannister.