I wake up at 6:00 in the morning
My adoring husband lie next to me
I go to my kitchen
And make my three kids breakfast
I drop them off to school
My husband kisses me goodbye
I go to the office
I sit in my cubicle
Staring at the computer screen
For eight hours
Then cook dinner for my family
I put my children to bed
I lie next to my husband
In our queen sized bed
And I stare at the ceiling
Wondering where I went wrong
Stuck in the treacherous never ending cycle
Of the life I was terrified to live
Then I drift to sleep
Knowing I'll duplicate this day
Over and over and over

I look out your bedroom window
And I watch you
I watch you do your homework
I watch you read your favorite book
I watch you paint your masterpieces
I watch you wright your ravishing poems
I watch you call your friends
I watch you listening to music
I watch you sleep at night
I watch you change your clothes
I watch you do everything
I wish I didn't watch you
I feel guilty
I feel sick
But I can't help it
I'm addicted to you
I'm obsessed with you
I need you
Even if you don't need me

My hair is thinning
My bones are weakening
I'm cold all the time
My period went away
I'm so immensely dizzy
My skin is dry and yellow
I try my best not to faint
But the worst part is
I'm still not skinny enough
After every meal I skip
After every starve day
After everything I *****
I'm still too fat
There's still more weight
I'm still not empty enough
And I wonder if I ever will be

She never ate at lunch
No one looked at her
No one thought twice
She wore long sleeves every day
No one looked at her
No one thought twice
She didn't smile
No one looked at her
No one thought twice
She didn't have friends
No one looked at her
No one thought twice
Until one day
When she wasn't there
To eat at lunch
To wear long sleeves
To smile
To have friends
That's when everyone cared
When she wasn't even there

Everyone says I’m lazy
When I don't have motivation
Everyone says I seek attention
When I want to die
Everyone says I’m too dependent
When I can't take care of myself
Everyone says I’m dramatic
When I can't live anymore
But what will they say when I’m gone?
Would I finally prove them wrong?

Every time another candle
Was added to the cake
She made a wish
When she was 10 she wished for a puppy
When she was 11 she wished for a new bike
When she was 12 she wished for a more makeup
When she was 13 she wished for a boyfriend
When she was 14 she wished to be loved
When she was 15 she wished to feel
When she was 16 she wished to be dead
None of her wishes came true
Until she realized on her 16th birthday
That for the very first time
She didn't need to wish
As she stood on the roof of the building
Tears crawling down her face
Sobs escaping her voice
She whispered under her breathe
“happy birthday”
And let the darkness finally pull her away

When I met you
We clicked
We synced
Were were meant to be
You said you loved me
And only me
You were mine
I was yours
Until you stopped texting me good morning and goodnight
Until you cancelled our dates to stargaze on the roof
Until our late night deep talks turned into occasional small talk
Until you stopped saying “i love you”
Until you found “her”
The one who's puzzle piece fit yours just a little bit better than mine
We gradually turned into strangers
Because you found “her”
I used to be “her”
And so did the “her” before me
And so will the “her” after
But there is no “her”
Because none of them will be just right

It's just medication
That made mommy fall asleep while driving me to school
It's just medication
That made me have to cook my own meals every night
It's just medication
That never let me have friends over to my house
It's just medication
That caused child protective services to knock on the door
It's just medication
That took away from mommy forever
It's just medication
That that's stole my mommy life
It's just medication
That turned mommy from a sweet, caring, stable, loving mother
Into a reckless, incapable, depressed, broken women
And I miss mommy
The one who fell down the dark never ending pit
The one I’ll never get back
But it's just medication

He stayed quiet
He held back
He thought too much
He talked too little
She stayed quiet
She held back
She thought too much
She talked too little
Both were meant to be
But both will never speak

Depression
The infection growing in my body
Decaying
My heart
My soul
My brain
My emotions
Turning me numb
To nothingness
To emptiness
To hollowness
Until there's nothing left
When I really am absolutely
Nothing

I loved her
I loved her silky enchanting dark black hair
I loved her deep forest green eyes
I loved her freckles that illuminated her skin
I loved her endless curiosity
I loved her perseverance, her dreams
I loved her empathy towards her worst villains
But I never told her that
And I never will tell her that
It’s too late
Because her black hair lay next to her
In a coffin
With her green eyes
Shut, for no one to see
Her freckles
Faded into her forever, no longer glowing
Her beautiful curiosity
Buried into the earth
Her dreams
Will never be reached
And her empathy
Well I guess it got the best of her
Her battling villains
Won her war
Her internal war, not a soul knew about
Before it was too late
But maybe, just maybe
If I told her I loved her
I could have ended the war
Maybe I could have saved her
From the villains attacking her soul
Too late