It’s as if fire is injected into my veins, and my hands shake from the lack of oxygen, my bones are aching for rest, my body is screaming for help.

My chest feels like it will rip, my head might just explode,
How do you breath when your oxygen is stolen?
How do you calm down when your sanity is leaving?
My hands clench locked from fear,
I don’t know how to hold on with just a finger,
I can’t do it

My eyes blur with tears that dare to be greater than the oceans,
My knees tremble with the weight of the demons,
I lay in pain and scream into a pillow,
So they don’t know I’m already in hell,
So they don’t know, or scream, or yell.
I can’t do it

You can’t take half the pain I’ve taken, my brain tortures me in broad daylight,
The demon takes your identity, your sanity, your ability to break, to speak, to live,
Friends sit in the corner and watch,
Scared of what I’ve become.

To the only one who stayed with me,
I know you were scared,
My fear reflected in your eyes,
But you were brave,
We need more of you,
More compassion, more empathy, and more love.

What is true strength?
Is it laying in bed at 4am squirming in pain
Is it screaming in your office for it to stop
Is it you holding my arm while I sob desperately trying to find a way to hold on before it takes me
Is it my head bowed down while you remind me that I’m strong
Is it running away when it gets bad
Is it screaming in the park because there’s no one to help, no one to hold
Is it begging on your knees for the pain to go away
Or is it screaming on the floor of my living room trying to stop the thoughts
Is it resisting the thoughts and seeing my friend
Is it staying right here and giving me a chance
Is it removing that toxic ex best friend
Or is it crying on the way back from my walk
Is it wanting to leave the earths core
Or is it getting up and being a survivor

It’s having faith to fight again for my future
It’s believing one day I’ll hold my baby in my arms
And that I’ll sing in all the halls
That I’ll be loved truly as one
That it will go away
My nightmare, my scars
That they’ll heal once I properly face them
That they’ll no longer haunt me and make me shake
My hands may be shaking, but I don’t see me stopping
I don’t want to be scared anymore, I want to live
It’s having faith and hope and belief all will be well
Even if you can’t find any in the depths of your soul
I’ll go for runs by the river, and feel the sea on my skin
I’ll look down while she lays asleep in my lap
That bundle of joy I promise not to hurt
I’ll dance with my husband under the lights
And I’ll sing songs till my hearts desire, is finally whole
You may have broke me, and darkened your own soul,
I want to scream and I want to yell, and I want to know that you hurt another person, but if an 18 year old can be better
Than I think that’s enough
If my suffering can aid one, then the world’s not alone,
In rebuilding humanity, I won’t give up
So to Suria in that office shaking your head,
You are strong and you are brave,
It’s time to change the world.