In the present at this moment
As you look back at the years

May you feel satisfied, relax in peace
And there be very few tears

Remember that there are achievements
Great and small in many layers

Many lives that you have touched
Some from far, some very near

And You remain undisclosed
In some hearts and flourish in other

The timing is never right and the moment is gone,
For in the dark, behind the eyes,
Love continues to whisper

The dilemma to not cause a ripple
Makes a scream turn to a whimper

But isn't it a blessing to know you are loved
And to be cherished without any fear

The uncertainty around makes me want to declare,
A love that was never lost and will never be found

I don't know what to do and am just still
But I pretend to get through and keep moving

This is just another day
Or any other sultry night

A little shame a little regret
A heart full of pain left by the deleted love

I have to forgive myself, I have to heal,
For life is going to cause many more injuries

I just can't seem to find the strength
I feel my soul collapsing and become weaker

I don't hate you, nor am I allowed to say
I am lost for words and on mute

So once again I am reminded of being unwanted
The silence of my soul conveys its acceptance

I and my loneliness are back so close
It sure is rejoicing for nothing can keep us apart

I resign and I succumb
To this numbing pain and give up the struggle

Why can't I accept, I love him with a strength,
That is almost surreal

Is it a fleeting choice, I keep asking myself,
Isn't the way he makes me feel, enough to keep it real

The past has left many shadows,
Of lovers whose love now feels trivial

Shadows that cast a doubt,
And make me stand trial

Its my heart against me,
A testimony so thin, its almost superficial

This time its true, my heart pleads,
I feel him in my soul, like its beat he is perpetual

And so I give in and sentence myself,
I allow love to pervade me and try not to be skeptical

Now, I am alert, I am hyper aware,
I look out for a discord, a flutter infinitesimal

Stop it! my heart insists, do not resist love it says,
It dances around with joy, as I stand helpless and watch the burial.

Everything is OK
is all I can say
when someone asks if I am happy
yeah I am OK I say
for no one has the time
to look into my eyes
to see the blanket of grey
that covers the pain from the lies
the lies that I tell myself
to keep me away from myself
how could I fall for someone
who doesn't seem to miss me
how could I still be waiting
to hear something that will never reach me
and so I tell myself
just to hush...
just to be oblivious to you
Isn't it an irony then..
I sit here and pen these lines
and all I can think is of you

When I love....
I want to be free.

When I love....
I want love to welcome me.

When I love....
I want love to consume me.

When I love....
I want love to love me.

For love is not love....
When it is born out of obligation.

Don't you think it is time....
To free me of this painful situation.

Don't you think it is time....
To give in to love together.

To be free together.

Were these the settings I was with  born  
A wee bit of happiness, some love, some loneliness some pain

Of all, my loneliness seems to be the leader
With me always, for me forever

Making sure I get back to being lonely
After any pleasure and company

Sometimes, I think it is waiting to see if I change
Will I try a new approach only to invite more pain in exchange

As I rise up and fall again my loneliness surrounds me
Cushions me in its dark arms and collects my tears

Once in a while it sees me truly happy and knows it cannot touch me
Knowing for sure I am in an illusion, Oh! what an irony

I can sometimes feel it trying to change my settings in desperation  
Trying to coax me out of my submission

What's wrong I say to my loneliness ...I am used to your love I declare
For try as I might I won't find the same dedication elsewhere

And so we rest in each other's arms wondering
How nothing seems to make a difference

Beauty brains wealth and patience, I have them all
None of these seem to be of any consequence  

For I am set to be lonely by default
I am responsible for what I feel and it sure is nobody's fault

As her gloom swallowed her
And she remained in the nothingness

Hyper aware that the world was alive
While she lay regretting her life

Fate seemed to smile on her, when she saw him
Sharing her gloomy world, inside a shell of his own,that made him spin

Cheerfulness was the mask she chose
He seemed to cramp his life busy with unnecessary prose

But they both knew beneath the facade
Were two souls wanting to be free of the charade

He couldn't tell her and she couldn't ask
To trust again was such a herculean task

He made her laugh,cry and fret
She enveloped him with her love, without any regret

He got her and she got him, partners can they be?
Not in life, but in despair maybe!!

Is my love fictional
Then why does it hurt so much

I thought it was unconditional
Then why are you judging me so much

Are you being rational
Then why can't I find any reason as such

It definitely was not occasional
Only you rarely reached out to touch

What's the point of me being emotional
When you  don't dare to open your heart much

Is it necessary to be so cardinal
It makes me feel as free as in a trench

I am looking for a signal
Even if it is as light as a hunch

This is final, is it?
We had just started to feel like a bunch

I need to know for sure
Can I love you more

Oh! You are so right for my soul
Can I love you more

It makes me happy to love, if you feel the same
Can I love you more  

I ask for no more so
Can I love you more

Oh yes! I know it's hopeless...still
Can I love you more

For, loving you keeps me alive...so for my sake
Can I love you more

Will I ever get a chance to explain
To look into your soul and remain

Till then...till the end of time...and I ask one last time
Can I love you more

It's not me you say,
And refuse credit for my happiness

It's not me you say,
And make me fear my boldness

It's not me you say,
Who makes me explode with pleasure

It's not me you say,
But say you won't leave me stranded

It's not only me,
As I was starving for your friendship

It's not only me,
Or i would have continued to feel lonely

It's not only me,
For I wouldn't have risen like a phoenix

Only I know the you in me,
I cherish it love it and will never abandon it

It's not you, it's me
Who can only be thankful

For your presence is the key
To make my world wonderful

As I try to keep busy
Not missing you.. is not easy

My heart's wants me to rush to you
It goes in circles making itself dizzy

You might forget me it frets  
And blames me for being lazy

But somewhere in me there is a spot
That knows we are good and rests easy

For there is nothing else i wish
But to see you happy

So... Here I am trying hard not to miss you
But wishing....you too miss me like crazy

Can't you see all the antics,
That I do to catch your eye

I can't say I do it for you
For, you will move away leaving me alone under the blue sky

Will I do the same? If you were absent
I don't know...for you are omnipresent

It's is my fault that I love you and hesitate
Are you even aware of the havoc you create

I wonder if you will feel the vibrations
If I were near you and you were near me

Will there be magic will there be sparks
Will we put the whole world on fire

How many silent conversations will you have with me
I am all ears...you just have to speak  

All this must be a dream...  But how can it seem so real
Maybe, I am living in the hope that you will make it real

I see it follow me like a shadow
Ever silent ever patient

Always on the lookout
Tracking me like a GPS dot

Seems like it is waiting for me to rejoice
Waiting for me to make the foolish choice  

And in it comes with a war cry
Creating a mess till it sees me cry

My tears seem to act like a balm
To both of us as we return to our calm

I remind myself not to give in and act fine
For life has a ready spell to take away  the shine

Am I rewarded for this forbearance
Or is it all a misleading pretense  

Just when I think here is a blessing
Life takes the joy out with a sting

And yet I get up again from the pain
To stand tall as if it is my right to gain

I try a smile try a laugh even
Even attempt a weak indiscretion

Ready to face life ready to race life
For not doing so will leave me in a strife

How can you have such an impact on me
How can you not feel what I feel
Oh! how can you let me go
When you know.. you know..

This is crazy and blurry
My heart refuses to think
It just wants to get lost
No tears...no more tears...

Tomorrow will be different
I will be hurt again..
But who cares, today is mine
And so I say...I say...

Jump like sky is the limit
Ride the waves of emotion..
And when you fall free..
Just let go...let go.

Do I dare to fall again
Or Do I rise when I know I might fail

Do I have a choice not to rise
Or Do I convince myself to choose

Do I give in and submit
Or do I scale the summit

Do I let life take me where it wants to go
Or do I dare not to live a lie

Do I know what I can and cannot
Or do I let time decide instead

Do I go on, knowing I will always be alone
Or do I wait for someone to lend me a hand

Do I dare to say I love you
Or do I wish you do too

Do I choose to live without knowing
Or dare to seek the truth

Do I live in these moments that are worth living
Or do I hide behind the excuses for not living

The choice is mine and mine it shall be
Will you make yours and see what we can be

How can it feel so right
When it is so wrong

Can't you feel my plight
And just tell me to hold on

Oh.. I do put up a fight
Pause my destiny and refuse to move on

You do make my day so bright
Like a sun that refuses to go down

I do wish we talk...even fight
Anything to get you to think about me

Why do I feel that, even you know it is right
And it is a truth we cannot deny