it could be nothing

it comes from nowhere

a throwaway comment about her teenage years
light disdain in her voice as she complains to a waitress
an attempted joke that doesn't hit the mark
an evening where she doesn't quite bond with my friends

the slightest thing can cause me to instantly
react, re-evaluate and retreat

and that's why they're better off without me

Feels like I’m trying to fly to heaven in a hurricane
Lipstick lashes in the pouring rain
Sliding down a mountain on a plastic bag
Daffodils and Daisy’s lend a helping hand

Crystal collisions sending sparks ablaze
Butterflies and bullets through the rainbow maze
Rip open your chest to show your diamond heart
Rough and hard and sharp as glass

Take my hand and lead me off the edge
The beach awaits, our grainy bed
Bet your bottom dollar that we both can fly
Eyes up to heaven, arms to the sky

Ecstasy

Hope drifts unsteadily through the sea of change
Cascading through longing hearts and anxious minds
Irrepressibly powerful
Irretrievably benign
Ensconced to a time long forgotten
Beholden to a future unwritten

Hold on tight

Passion, Pain, Power,

I must use impactful words to make a statement,
to grab attention.

I should be exciting, emotive, evocative or entertaining
to ensure I'm heard.

These words don't resonate with me though, they don't tell my story.
They spill from my fingers but not from my heart.
I use them as a tool to describe how others tell me they feel.
I use them to pretend I bleed the same.

Be controversial, be explicit, be different, be dramatic.
My words should dazzle and lure, sparkle and shine.

But inside I'm grey.
Inside I'm void.

If I have never loved, and therefore never lost, then my thoughts travel like an empty vessel that require a glossy branding of impactful words to stand out in the crowd

But the words aren't my truth.

I haven't hurt, I haven't cried, I haven't yearned.

So my truth isn't heard.

How can I communicate that feeling nothing is maybe the most painful feeling of all?

While I’m slowly out here drowning,
I see you laughing on the shore,
skimming pebbles at my forehead,
baying with the crowd for more.

Too proud to scream for help as usual,
I struggle in vain with flailing limbs,
Land is there in touching distance,
If only I’d learned how to swim.

The waves are getting too strong for me,
crashing in through soul and skin,
the tide drags me to the horizon,
I’ve had enough, I’m giving in.

The bed’s no longer there beneath me,
drifted too far, I’m out my depth,
here it comes I’m going under,
now you’ll see me take my last breath

The screams that would have once bitten and scratched and stabbed into my soul
are now so prevalent, so regular, so common
that they have morphed into irrelevant whispers in a cold dark wind
that ricochet from my skull without chance of permeating

The void is my friend
Vacuity is my shield

I should have been there that day