Why must you hold on to my every word in such fashion that makes me feel like I'm staring in my own miniseries and can't forget my lines.. allow me to be human as I do for you

Cannot see, my darling
Weary, I am
Drained, I would describe                      words no longer make sense
For so many stares we dared in patients pass,
I am but a whisper
Maybe somewhat whimsical this time                     as my soft speech it warns
That tickle in your ear seem loose strand
Falling from ones top
Makes only blind assumption
As for my wind, it feathers  over face, from brow to round of nose I breathe in your beauty's blush
Feel you, I must...
If never another chance that's given, This day has be the day
In hurries end, we meet by calm of stream trying once again to fit that portrait of what was lost
so very long ago
Like rolling film, we must act
Swear...i cannot
For if I swear, this subtle stutter might be the best of me
Lonesome, I am, in this state of death
For I know you do not see me
All that's felt from me is cold, cold like the Creek we swore to in autumn
But never made it through the freeze
Flesh on sweet gardenia flesh.. how our bodies used to be as one
We sang in almost silence
If it wasn't for our breathe
So warm, it was..
Our moment in life's flowing dress
We rode the tide as if it were our only wave
Never crashing back down to bore
Now we are all but skeleton
Our canvas Combs the shore
Never mind, you would say
This shell is but outer core
What we are lives inside, you'd say
We shall meet at heaven's door

I feel the shiver of the vessels beat as it works it's path to inner tole
Pins and needles needles and pins
They work their way back home
Which one of me stabbed that poison into vein
Which one of me
Was the chaos,  the noise of my drums in ears that never have halt in their steady vibration
Oh ,so, making me mad..
I fold into myself, wishing for that sweet release..you know, the one in which I've been so generous to mention before
Yes, the one in which buildings are made and people are cancelled
All due to wandering mind.

So sad I forgot the words I wrote a masterpiece of mind that  must have fell short from vision
Minutes spent ..23.
Years wasted..many.
All effort
Fleeting
Put my soul within it's work
Placed my hands above its core
Yet still it's heart is beating
Obvious confusion from my words ..I pray

Let us not be stagnant
Let's learn from this stay
Let us not repeat this world over and over again

To whom it may concern:
I am writing this to state the departure of my soul
What once was full, now turns a blemished why
I find myself astray
So far from once I've been
These people, I loathe them, yet my fascination keeps intrigue
I AM the one in isolation
The hermit of my own demise
And this is where i bore such thought
Forgotten, yes
Alone .... maybe not

Do you ever feel anxiety's wheel making nauseous once freed mind?
I tighten, then release
Then clench solid for tomorrow's today
Why can't they just  pause their words when then they see my angst
It's wicked tongue bears such lashing
With crooked grin, they are aroused
Does it give such pleasure to ****** that blade with soulless gaze?
Would I amuse you still if  eyes sunk empty and painted smile mock your own?
Oh, how I anticipate my release from your hold
That schoolhouse chatter
You bring near my space begins the cycle of numb.
I pull back the scab for release
With no promise it will ever heal

Free me from this Ill threat that I have so shamefully consumed
Forgive me know for imbedded blame that fires off as well
I know not  the safest place to drag my heavy sole
I wear my past like bright pastel
Camouflage by rage
I question simple melody that painstakingly remains
They talk
they talk so much
what are they talking about?
I hear only in waves
of conscious contradiction
This is apparently my life.
This I suppose is what I choose
Full of scarred attempt
I am forced to relive all that you have allowed me to create
Sarcasm strikes
Happy happy day

Here we go again..
Don't know which is worst
The pain in my gut or the song in my breath

Will I always disappoint?
Much too old for these mistakes that I make over and over again.
When will I learn?
I need my Earth and shovel

I fear people
people I fear
I want to be close but can't stand to be near
I fake the smiles
I fake the words
I talk but I talk only to be heard
Can you see through this
This that I do
Or am I again wasting
Wasting my words upon you
Why do you come
What do you think you see
Do you actually believe that I wait for your company
When sober of mind I care not for you
It's only when  the thirst comes do I seem to be true
It's sad to say but I am unlike you
I sit in my thoughts
And you I see through
You all seem the same
You laugh as you chew
I fear my fear turns hatred towards you
Hatred
Hatred I hate
For the love in my heart never reaches the gate
For fear
For fear I say
Will always push you people away
Wish I was different
Sometimes wish I was you
Wish
I did wish
Now I'm regretting it too
You won't leave me alone
You knock at my door
You think I am honest
And possibly pure
Do I laugh or do I cry
Did I deceive you
Did I try?
I wonder at times if you do the same
Do I carry a guilt that shouldn't have shame?

Bitter realism extends its wing
Into a disentangled bind
Unobtrusively occupied by the ifs of it's why
Such things carry suspect
For this thin whisper of past does haunt
Inbound harrowing my soundness
A frosty reminder of how hurried is time

Listless mention of what's thought to be
I drown myself in indecision
The hours slip by with promise of you
Day turns night and certainty turns reluctance
I shall fake slumber when you appear
Walking shamelessly
By my bedside
I will clutch my pillow as well as my heart
And you,
You will fade out of sight with only noise of failed attempt