Do you ever feel anxiety's wheel making nauseous once freed mind?
I tighten, then release
Then clench solid for tomorrow's today
Why can't they just  pause their words when then they see my angst
It's wicked tongue bears such lashing
With crooked grin, they are aroused
Does it give such pleasure to ****** that blade with soulless gaze?
Would I amuse you still if  eyes sunk empty and painted smile mock your own?
Oh, how I anticipate my release from your hold
That schoolhouse chatter
You bring near my space begins the cycle of numb.
I pull back the scab for release
With no promise it will ever heal

Free me from this Ill threat that I have so shamefully consumed
Forgive me know for imbedded blame that fires off as well
I know not  the safest place to drag my heavy sole
I wear my past like bright pastel
Camouflage by rage
I question simple melody that painstakingly remains
They talk
they talk so much
what are they talking about?
I hear only in waves
of conscious contradiction
This is apparently my life.
This I suppose is what I choose
Full of scarred attempt
I am forced to relive all that you have allowed me to create
Sarcasm strikes
Happy happy day

Here we go again..
Don't know which is worst
The pain in my gut or the song in my breath

Will I always disappoint?
Much too old for these mistakes that I make over and over again.
When will I learn?
I need my Earth and shovel

I fear people
people I fear
I want to be close but can't stand to be near
I fake the smiles
I fake the words
I talk but I talk only to be heard
Can you see through this
This that I do
Or am I again wasting
Wasting my words upon you
Why do you come
What do you think you see
Do you actually believe that I wait for your company
When sober of mind I care not for you
It's only when  the thirst comes do I seem to be true
It's sad to say but I am unlike you
I sit in my thoughts
And you I see through
You all seem the same
You laugh as you chew
I fear my fear turns hatred towards you
Hatred
Hatred I hate
For the love in my heart never reaches the gate
For fear
For fear I say
Will always push you people away
Wish I was different
Sometimes wish I was you
Wish
I did wish
Now I'm regretting it too
You won't leave me alone
You knock at my door
You think I am honest
And possibly pure
Do I laugh or do I cry
Did I deceive you
Did I try?
I wonder at times if you do the same
Do I carry a guilt that shouldn't have shame?

Bitter realism extends its wing
Into a disentangled bind
Unobtrusively occupied by the ifs of it's why
Such things carry suspect
For this thin whisper of past does haunt
Inbound harrowing my soundness
A frosty reminder of how hurried is time

Listless mention of what's thought to be
I drown myself in indecision
The hours slip by with promise of you
Day turns night and certainty turns reluctance
I shall fake slumber when you appear
Walking shamelessly
By my bedside
I will clutch my pillow as well as my heart
And you,
You will fade out of sight with only noise of failed attempt

it's really about the hat
straw with a farmer's brim

we got them for free
at a baseball game

and made each other laugh
tilting them rakishly on our heads

it was the first time we had talked to each other
in days

Whit Howland © 2020