In my thirties
Yet I still spend life drinking
      Instead of living
I wonder, if I quit
     And am still empty
     Is that the end of the road?
I dare not try.

                                                - IJ

No drink you ever drink
No cigarette you ever smoke
Is going to fill the void you feel
It never works
More, and more, and more
It is never enough
It does not work.
So, why, do you keep trying?
Again, and again, and again...
Instead you wake with guilt
     and the void is bigger the next day
     so you keep trying to plug that hole
     but you are just making it bigger...
The hole cannot be plugged
It must be built up, from the bottom
Find your worth, it is down there
Find your self-empathy, it is there too
Find your confidence, it is not lost
Find yourself, it was once discarded
      with your bottles, down that hole.  

                                                            - IJ

Dear daddy
I'm almost sixteen now
       and I've felt
       and feared
       and loved
       and lost
       and laughed
       and cried
I know you look at me,
And see the ten year old girl
So bubbly and bright
And those pretty green-grey eyes
That twinkled when I smiled.
But I grew up daddy
You saw me changing before your eyes
For so long my bubbly face had sad green-grey eyes
I know you think I"m only fifteen
But my heart
       and my mind
Are so much older than most kids my age.
You tell me things you think I don't know,
But I've known them for years
It just didn't show.
And daddy,
I'm not a child anymore,
I'm more of an adult than you sometimes are
In the way I look at life
        and death
        and other people.
I've experienced things you never knew about
Felt things you never felt
Cried tears you never cried
And loved people no one else looked at.
I know what it is like to be uncool
       to be rejected
       to be disliked
       even hated.
They never saw me for who I was
So every day I would cry.
Thats why my green-grey eyes were so sad daddy,
That's why.
But look at me now
I stand so proud
       and so tall,
My green-grey eyes aren't so sad anymore.
And daddy,
Don't look down on me,
I know that you're older than I am
But in my walk I can be miles ahead
And others haven't even began.
I wish you'd found peace like I did daddy,
I know I'm just a teenager
But I formed my morals
       and my beliefs
Years and years ago,
And I've stuck by them.
I'm not like the other kids daddy,
I have people in my life
That I hold so close to my heart,
And we've experienced things together
That most people our age don't.
If you only knew the start of it daddy,
Maybe you'd understand
Why my green-grey eyes are so serious now,
And why I can't relax like other kids do.
I think they notice I am different
It scares some of them, I think,
But others just fall in love with my green-grey eyes.
And daddy,
I've had boys hold me,
       and tell me that they love me,
And I turned them away because I was scared.
But then I grew up daddy,
Didn't you notice?
And I realised how much I loved them too.
And daddy
I tried to do so much,
And I know you saw me try.
I tried to save the world
Save innocent people from dying.
Have you ever wondered why I don't watch the news daddy?
Its because it just makes me cry,
and I am only once person daddy,
They all see what you do
       a little girl.
So saving everyone was too hard,
Because they thought I was too small.
Dearest daddy,
I love you
You know that I do
But I wish you would realise how I feel...
I'm almost sixteen now daddy,
so please start to treat me on the same level as you.
And let me feel
       and fear
       and love
       and lose
       and laugh
       and cry
The rest of my life,
And let me share it with you.
Because daddy,
If you hold me back,
You are only pushing me away
And these green-grey eyes,
They'd really love to stay.

When your greatest fear is failure,
It is easiest to not try.
When your greatest fear is people,
Is it easier to be alone.
When your greatest fear is heights,
You keep your feet on the ground.
When your greatest fear is intimacy,
You push people away.
But what if,
You embraced your fears
And did the opposite
Of what you want?
Will you then find the terror
Or will you find, your life?

They claim to be woke
That they are being fed
Misinformation, and propaganda,
Keyboard warriors spout hate
That they would never dare
Face to face,
Isolation, and work from home
Unemployment, economy gone.
Yet protests gather,
Despite it all.
I think it’s time
To lay down our weapons,
We are all humans,
Covid is that lesson.

As a mother you feel not enough
As a wife you feel inadequate
As a daughter you feel less than your siblings
As an employee you fall short
But really
It’s your self judgement
That is
Unacceptable

Her face pressed up against the window
Her hair covering her tear-stained cheeks
The people walking straight past her,
Not noticing,
Not caring.
Her heart falling as a smile is not returned
Her soul shattering as a greeting is ignored
The people walking straight past her,
Not accepting,
Not caring.
Her pride lowering as a taunt is thrown her way
Her forgotten dignity hanging by a thread
The people walking straight past her,
Not looking,
Not caring.
Her voice trembling as she chokes out her words
Her eyes full of hope as they approach her
The people walking straight past her,
Not acknowledging,
Not caring.
Her eyes blurry as she runs way
Her spirit dropping as she gives up on life
The people walking straight past her,
Not stopping,
Not caring.

I stare outside the window
At a place where birds once flew
But now moonlights as an alleyway
With bloodstained ground, brand new.

A movement in the moonlight
A face with a sinister smear,
Those eyes that glance behind him
As he wipes away old tears.

He looks at her fondl
Her face is full of peace,
Her hair spread across the ground
Her crisp white shirt, now creased.

He walks past a puddle of water
Without a thought of regret
The water was once clear
But now is a bloodstained red.