24-7  
Heart beating so fast
I'm a need a machine to start keeping up that
Before this knocks me on ***
Gave it my everything
Gave you my all
But you fucjing let me fall
And now  all I can do I ball
Its lkke a ******* haunted hall
Your spirit won't leave me alone
You're the devil
And you're feeding off of me
Jusy let me ******* be
I need to be set free
From my thoughts
From my brain
From my memory
It's eating at me
Like magets on open flesh
There's about to be nothing left
Because you have taken the rest
The rest of me
Can't you see
Do you even care
Or are you just a player
Who thinks he's got smooth air
Your air is polluted
Like the streets in China
Foggy for miles
Can't see a foot in front of you
Yet you tell me you're one of the best
Ha yeah maybe one of the best narcissistic.
That's all you got
Amd the talent to **** peoples hearts minds and spirits right off this earth and into to the dark black underworld of satin himself

I hate me because I love you.
****** up to the core.

Pain pain I thought I scared you away.
Here you are again throwing me to my knees. Scrapes and screams.
Why can't you just let me be?
Cursed at conception.
Forgotten at birth.
Left alone in life.
I died in your arms tonight.
Now I stand here barely able to fight.
Trembling and shaking.
I knew one day I'd finally break.
Therapy therapy come to me before I set myself free.
Beginning to be afraid of me.
Stuck on you, broken by you , and now forgotten by you.
There's millions of people in this world but it feels like I could scream and not a single soul could hear me.
Whispers in my ear. Go the other way they say.
You're the one that I want. Never felt this way before but it don't matter anymore because you walked out the door.
Life hates me.
I'm beginning to hate life all over again.
The universe hates me.
Why didn't I die all those times I was supposed to?
Why am I here if it only feels like death is always near?
Simplicity and peace.  
Love and kindness.
Its all I want.
When I think of losing you I get physical pain in my chest, tears fill my eyes, and I begun to scream inside.
I'm so sad.
I'm broken.
I've only left the door open and yet it gets slammed in my face.
Life is so hard.
It's not fair.
I'm not winning.
I'm losing.
Starving for you.
Quenched for endless love.
Dying to have you happy by my side.
You're the ocean I fell in love with.
Want to spend my days and nights with you until my time here on Earth has expired.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry for everything.
You're the one.
The one I will love for always.
You're on a pedestal.
I put you there and now I sit here and suffer. Gasping for air.
My last words will be I love you.
Goodluck to you.
My forever dear.
May you find your peace and your happy.
Good ridden to you.
I shall take the path of the unknown again.
I love you.

Heart break
Heart break
Knocking on my door.
It'll be okay.
Just another ****** day.
Starting to believe I don't belong here or anywhere.
Not in this house.
Not in this town.
God, I hate this town anyway.
Want to be on my way out of here
On the road it feels like that's where I belong.
Broken and beaten
But the road has a way
Of finding my heart and putting it back in place.

In this life of ours we will walk many paths.
As we age we will watch the days and years pass us by.  We will create many chapters in the book we will one day call, “The story of my life”.
For some of us, we will have several chapters and books. Others, maybe not so lucky. If lucky is what you want to call it.

Every day is a new opportunity to begin again; to start all over and let yesterdays time turn to dust just as we will someday.

You see, time is a fragile thing. We must hold on to it dearly. For it is like a river and the same flow will never pass twice.
Once it’s gone it’s gone.
With each sun rising we must learn to rise again even if the rays aren’t shining so bright.
We must create our own sunshine.
To be our own friend is a beautiful gift.
For if we cannot love ourself wholesomely and wholeheartedly who will?
It is up to us to create the life we want.
If you don’t like something, change it.
It’s truly as simple as that.
How to change it?
That’s the real question.
Analyzing.
Time.
Desire.
Self-motivation.
Self-care.
Self-love.
­These are all key factors to living a beautiful and happy life.

We mustn't waste time.
You have to ask yourself, “What is it that I want?”
Draw. Paint. Write. Sing. Dance.
Let your soul show you what it is that it truly desires.
Lay that beating beauty on the table
And let it speak.
Let your soul shine into the direction you must be.
Listen to it.
Go to it.
Find it.
Live it and love it.

You think you know someone.
You put all of your trust and faith into them.
Put all your time and dedication into them
Just to end up broken hearted.
Mistreated.
Mislead.
About to be thrown over the edge.
You worked hard to build up your life just to have it all thrown away in the end.
I’ve ****** up so much good for myself
And now I hang my head in shame.
Constant shame and regret fills my brain.
I must move on from this.
I can’t keep dwelling on what I once had.
It’s time to move forward.
Finish the chapter.
End the book.
Here’s to a new beginning.
A new home.
A new house.
And even new friends.
Every day is a new day.
Another chance to begin again.
I will not surrender to my fears.
I will not surrender to my broken-hearted ness.
I will continue on.
I will be strong.
For this will be yet one of the greatest lessons I’ve been given.
To have been given the strength to get through the things such as this
I am blessed.
I am grateful.
Carry on and move on I will.
It’s time time to end the shame I put on myself.
For now is my time to shine again.
I will come out stronger and even more wise than before.
I’m thankful for the strength I’ve been given.
It’s time to pave a new path.
Set the anxiety aside.
No more need to feel the things I feel.
It’s time to put myself at ease.
Find the peace.
Release the serenity into the air.
One big breath out.
One gigantic breath in.
Let the beauty of the life begin.

I’m ready.
I’m ready to rise once again.
I’m ready to leave you behind.
Say goodbye
And watch you disappear ocean deep miles behind me.
You’ve taken me.
You’ve broken me.
Shattered me.
Manipulated me.
Made me question my own worth over and over.
Hurt me and then pointed your ***** finger at me as if I’m the one to blame.
So many times I would almost be convinced that it was really me that was the issue.
Try so hard to convince myself that none of it’s true.
It’s you.
You’re a narcissist.
Completely.
Shame on you for hurting me.
Shame on me for allowing it to be.
No more of this will be.
I promise to myself I will only accept what’s best for me.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.
I need to heal.
Heal in peace.
Just let me be.
Set me free.

Hate me.
Shake me.
Why you gotta break me?

Shake me, wake me, and ******* break me. Lightness to darkness.
Darkness to light.
There is no end in sight.
You say things out of spite.
It sparks a fight.
Your break my heart in the night.
It’s clear as day.
I want you anyways.
Shake, tremble, and fall.
This isn’t no beautiful dance hall.
I remember the day
The very moment that I fell in love you.
What a mistake I’ve made.
I gave my heart only to be betrayed.
When will I learn?
At this point it almost feels like never.
Who am I?
I’m not even me when I’m with you.
No, I can’t be myself when I’m around you.
Artificial unsettled me.
Chaotic world.  
Stressful, anxiety- filled atmosphere.
I need to find a way to walk away.
I just can’t do this anymore.
You’re not for me.
I’m not for you.
Lord help you find your way through
Your own craziness.
I pray for you.
You could be a good man but you’ve proven to me it will not ever be for me.
Two years too long here we go
Spinning around endlessly
Until we fall and crash into one another.
Bruised and pained from all the hurt.
Yet we keep holding on as if there’s a chance of hope but why?
We know where we’re headed.
It’s time to put an end to what isn’t even in true existence.
We’re only failing ourselves.
Holding onto artificial hope.
I do love you but I believe it’s time we help each other up and off the ground.
It’s time to shake heads and wish one another farewell.
Farewell my dear friend.

Up in my head.
Floating in the clouds.
Nowhere to go.
Nowhere to be.
Wish I could just be let free.
Eleven years later I’m thinking it’s still the easiest way out.
Easily misplaced and replaced.
Misunderstood.
Just trying to find a place to hide in this hood.
Home isn’t a familiar term.
What is home?
A safe place to hide.
I’m dying inside.
Unretrievable.
Completely deceivable.
There ain’t no place to hide from this.
Can’t even mentally escape myself.
Not unless I choose the unsober path.
It’s an unbreakable cycle.
Ocean rises above me.
There’s no stopping the current from taking me under.
Let the ocean take me
Or swim into it to find an escape?

You’re the monster in my head.
The poison in my bed.
The reason that I tread.
I’ve been mislead.
You’ve left to me rot instead.
And now I’m almost dead.

You don’t have to settle. It’s your life.
No matter which life you choose or chose as long as you don't get knocked up you CAN unchoose it. If you took your last breath would you cry a happy tear or a sad tear? Choose it well.

From river to lake to ocean
The waves just grow larger and more fierce as time goes on.
Shame on me.
Shame on you.
What did we do?
We threw each other out to sea
And now we’re fighting for what’s not meant to be.
How could it be that it’s gotten this far? This extreme.
I cannot even look at me.
My heart is sinking.
My stomach is in a never-ending tightening knot.
I hang my head as my soul withers away.
Silent tears fall from my face.
A heart so heavy, fear and shame is all over my name.
But you, how could you?
I gave you a million chances and you just let it burn down to ash.
You don’t understand me.
You don’t get me.
You don’t hear me.
I can scream in pain but it’s never enough.
You just mentally run away and hide in your own space.
I told you we’re not meant to be.
I told you it’s over between you and I
But you refuse to agree.
You refuse to accept the truth.
We fight.
We get in the sheets.
We get high.
Put it all on repeat.
It’s nothing but a vicious cycle.
Can’t you see?
I’m bleeding internally.
You’re bleeding physically.
We’re cursed.
Or just not meant to be.
We need to set each other free.
Let’s let each other just be.
You say you’re in love with me
But none of it can be.
After all this time
After all the pain
All the sleepless nights and
Screaming battle fights.
Yelling turned to physical touch.
I told you just to back away.
Get out of face.
Stay out of my way.
But you don’t listen.
You never do.
It’s gone too far.
We can’t take anything back.
What’s done is done.
I’ve hurt you.
You’ve hurt me.
This is just one ****** up relationship and “love” if you ask me.
Just when I think I can walk away you pull me back in.
Stop it.
We have to walk away.
Let go of my arm.
Let go of my hand.
There’s nothing to hold onto.
We barely never had anything at all.
Yet I’m dying inside from emotional and mental pain and now ******* shame.
We need to close door.
At the same time.
Better days are to come
But riding along each other’s sides
Isn’t where we belong.
We’ve been in this far too long and now we have scarred each other for life.
I’m so sorry.
Sorry it got this far.
This out of control.
I wish you would just walk away but you have such a tight grasp.
But onto what?
Because we ain’t got nothing but a poisonous love.

Days are getting longer.
Thoughts are getting smaller.
Silence creeps in as words grow colder.

I don’t belong here.
I don’t know where I belong.
I’m not in danger.
The only danger I could potentially approach is myself.
Where do I go from here?
I don’t really have a home.
I don’t think I’ve ever really had a home.
Not a sacred one at least.
My soul screams inside, “help me!”.
Nobody can hear me.
I don’t really know what emotions I’m even feeling.
I’m sad, scared, and I feel so lost.
I don’t know where to turn from here.
I don’t know where to run.
I don’t know where I would be safe at.
I want to throw my phone in the ocean and watch it drown.
I want to burn all of my identification cards as if I were to not even            exist at all.
I would like to soak the suns rays up as the day turns to night.
I want to lay my body in the ocean and as I float away so will my  thoughts.
There could be no more worries.
As I lay on the floor  I envision all of this.
I can hear the birds chirping, the waves crashing, and people in the background.
Maybe the only home I truly have is with Jesus.
I don’t know why I ever outlived all the near death experiences I had.
I thought maybe one day I would understand why but I have yet to figure that out.
At this point in my life I don’t think I will ever know.
I am a lost broken soul wondering aimlessly on this earth.
As the years pass on by the days grow shorter
And so does my reason to believe that I have a true purpose here.
I’m beginning to be bored of life.
Is this how I truly feel or did you get to the deepest core of me?
  Dreamt of marriage and a happy ever after but we’re nothing but a disaster.
We have broken each other’s hearts and to trust I don’t think there is any.
After all this time we should  be able to trust one another. Unfortunately, things have just grown harder.
They say people can be in love but are better off apart.
Is this us?
I am truly sorry for all that you have been through in your own personal life.
I’m sorry for the things I have put you through  but I believe that I have proven myself long ago to you.
I thought that we were on a good path for a minute but that ended quickly and abruptly.
We can’t live like this anymore.
I do not have the  internal mental or emotional strength to keep going like this.
Why would a person want to anyway?
We lead a very toxic life.
I don’t know what to say anymore but I can say I can feel my heart breaking inside.
I don’t want to lose you.
But I think I already did.
A long time ago.
  I lay here in silence.
My back is aching.
The floor is hard.
This is not the life that I want to remember before I take my last breath.
I want to look back on my life and die smiling.
If I were to go on, if I were to die living this life, I would die with a tear falling from my eye.

Stick me in the dungeon.
Tie my hands behind my back.
Chain my feet to ground.
Wrap my body in a sheet
And watch me disappear.
Been broken-hearted my whole life.
Couldn’t find a reason to be on this Earth.
Not then and not now.

Forget 6 feet. Make it 10000 feet.
I don’t want to be seen.
I don’t want to be found.
Forgot digging the hole.
Wrap me up and burn me to the ******* ground.
**** this life.
This life has ****** me.
Over and over.
Several occasions I’ve been close to death
Yet somehow I outlived it each time.
Devil is trying to **** me while the lord is trying to save me.
It’s been a fighting battle for half of my life.
They say every one has a purpose but is my purpose to barely survive?
I’ve been dying inside.
I’m broken inside.
This isn’t a life.
I’m dead inside.

I read the words you wrote.
I’m sorry.
I think I should just go.
My anxiety gets the best of me
And eats the rest me.
This ain’t even me.
It’s the devil feeding off of my soul.
I’m broken inside.
Just trying to find a place to hide.
But the devil always finds its way inside.
Is it me or is it you?
It isn’t  me.
It isn’t you.
It’s the both of us.
**** near both go crazy.
For a minute everything’s great.
Turn around and it’s like a hurricane.
This isn’t fun.
This isn’t love.
It’s a trap of endless toxicity.
I think it’s time we turn the page.
Rescue ourselves.
Drowning inside.
I love you.
You love me.
But what the hell are we doing?
It’s been over a year.
We should be head over heels in love.
Instead were fighting for our love.
My anxiety is killing me inside.
Nearly eating me alive.
I don’t want to go but I don’t want to stay in this.
Can’t handle the painful past, painful words, and things I know.
Can’t handle the words you spoke to me.
I’m already on the edge of letting go.
What do I do?
Do I stay or do I go?
Bleed inside or let it all go?
Let it all go straight into ocean and say goodbye.
Wish you farewell.
Wonder who will be your next
or what we could of been.
What we should of been but maybe we’re not.
Maybe we’re not supposed to be anything. But why the hell did we cross paths?
Can’t make any sense of this.
I wish you could understand. The things I say and do. It’s not me.
It’s not me.
It’s my anxiety.
It’s got the ******* rest of me.

Sitting outside in shorts and no shoes. Sitting on the hard rocky cement.
It hurts.
The ground is so rough. Rather painful.
Hiding on the ground and in between cars so nobody can see me.
Don’t want to go inside.
Can’t shake these feelings that are buried beneath my skin.
Near crumbling to the core.
Anxiety surfacing but trying to keep it on the back burner.
It’s hard to resist all these feelings trying to crawl out my soul.
Why?
Why was I dealt these cards?
Should I run?
Should I just leave my things behind and just run?
But where would I go?
What would I do?
Homelessness is creeping slowly but surely.

This ain’t no paradise.
It’s like shoes on ice.
Slip and slide.
Knock your head a few times.
Irritated, aggravated, and peeved.
This is just the way it’ll be.
No change.
Just blame and shame.
Tired of the conflict.
Tired of the arguments.
Tired of hell on Earth.
You make this hell.

If you were the wind where would you go?
Would you go to the next door neighbors driveway?
Or would you go across the seas and experience all the beauty out there?
Would you visit heaven to sit down with your grandfather and talk about the old times?
Or would you just sit there?
Would you sit at home and just let life pass you right on by?
If you could do anything in this whole world what would you do?
Would you let life take you away or
Would you take life by the reins and slay it like a dragon?
Would you watch others become successful and wish it was you?
Where would you want to be?
What’s your dream life?
Honestly, I have no clue what my “dream life” is but I know one thing.
My dream is to live freely, to sit on the ocean beach and watch the waves crash fiercely.  I want to watch the animals and birds roam and fly freely.
I want to feel the sand between my toes and watch the sun as it sets over the ocean.
To feel peace is to walk up and over that hill top just to find the ocean waiting at the bottom.
It is heaven on Earth.
It is my peace.
My freedom of my soul, mind, and body.

Can’t explain the way I feel.
Tears silently fill my eyes.
It’s just a repeating cycle.
Almost numb.
This isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
Feel emotional pain in my chest.
I just need to rest.
I’ve given my best
But it seems I don’t measure up to be the best.
Is it me or is it you?
Manipulation not stipulation.
I can still run.
Do I want to?
Emotionally exhausted and torn.
No, I don’t want to go.
I love you.
I’m such a fool.
The nice girl in me gave you a several chances.
Of course, it’s still the same.
Why do I always give people the benefit of the doubt when I know better?
Thought maybe you’d change.
You did.
For a quick minute.
That minute faded. I knew it would.
Always does.
I’m tired of being emotionally beat up.
So exhausted.
Exhaustion wears on the mental state.
I’m tired of running.
I have nowhere to run this time.
Houseless and homeless it’ll be.
I called the shot.
My life fell apart after I met you.
In between jobs, gained depression back after being sober of it for two years.
Now look at me, I’m jobless, feeling hopeless and about to be homeless.
Nowhere to turn.
I can’t speak a word. I can’t tell them the truth.
It’s hard enough telling myself the truth.
I’m gonna have to sell all that I know.
Move on.
I’m so afraid. Where will I end up? Will I be okay?
My car is my only shelter.
Money will run out eventually.
Where will I shower?
You can keep the diamond.
It don’t mean a thing when life’s like this.
This ain’t love.
It’s toxicity taking over both our lives.
You can’t nurture and bloom a normal dating relationship let alone marriage. Marriage and divorce. Been there. Done. That. It ain’t easy.
Flush my dreams down the toilet.
Too old for all of this.
Going on 30.
Never thought my life would be like this.
Silent tears rush down my face.
Brokenness is all I can feel.
It’s not supposed to be like this.
I called the shot the day I first met you.
Why did I proceed to carry on?
I was so off and on with feelings and eventually I did feel love for you.
Fell in love and now here I sit
On the verge homelessness and broken-heartedness.
My life is a mess. I’m a mess.
Why did I outlive all the near-death experiences?
Why was I chosen to stay on Earth?
Am I really supposed to be here or was it just luck of the draw I was chosen to stay?
You have such great potential.
You’re handsome.
You have moments of being charming.
But ****.
There’s more bad than good.
Starting to believe I understand why all the other relationships were toxic.
No, it can’t possibly be always you.
But on the bigger scale, I think a lot of it roots from you.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know where to turn.
I am starting to feel scared.
Starting to feel like I’m about to lose all my belongings.
End up on the street.
Never thought my life would be like this.
I know everything happens for a reason but when will I find out why?
I’m tired of running in circles.
One minute we’re great.
Next minute we’re throwing hands and words.
Next minute doors are slamming.
Cars racing out of the driveway.
Day turns to night.
Begging me to come home.
Begging  me to come back inside.
This house ain’t a home.
Feels more like a dark place to bury myself inside.
And yet it’s not even a mentally safe place to hide.
I just want love, peace, and freedom.
Feeling like I’ll never have any of those things unless I’m on my own.
Feel like I do better on my own.
Relationships are too toxic for me.
Or maybe all the ones I’ve been in we’re just with the wrong people.
Is there true love out there? Starting to believe it truly is all a fairy tale. I know one things for certain, I’m about to be back on the road but this time it’ll be different.
I’ll be stuck there with nowhere and nobody to turn to.
Nothing new, it’s always just been me.
Ever since I was a little kid.
Abandoned and neglected my whole life. I’ll be okay, somehow and someday.

Every day I wonder where this life is going to take me.
The path that I’m on.
Is it going to mislead me?
3:00 P.M. every day got the best of me.
My anxiety ate me from the inside out.
But three and a half months in my devotion got me a promotion.
Ain’t hanging my  body over the heat of the press.
I watch these people as they slave away.
So glad I ain’t got no more physical ******* distress.
Will I be able to do it?
Or will I fail again?
Everyone’s so proud, so happy for me.
Looked at as an upper hand but hell I don’t feel like it.
Standing behind a computer all day.
Yeah, that’s what I do.
Better than I had it but so afraid I’ll be a failure like before.
Weekends are gone. No more fun.
No more you. No more family or friends.
12 hour days, yeah.
Off all week. The hell will I do with my time?
Will I succeed at making more money on the side?
Or will I give it all up?
I want to work from home but to be home almost seems impossible.
Crossing my fingers.
I have to push myself harder.
Stop being afraid girl. Just go.
Just do your best.
In time you will figure out the rest.
That’s what I tell myself.
Wish I could see the future. Where I am at?
Am I too critical of myself? I just want to be the best. Ain’t got time to sit around and watch the rest. Praying this works out but it’s out of my control. Whether it will or won’t I guess I’ll find out in good time. For now, I got to stand up and try to lead the nest.

Silence creeps in.
All I can hear is the beating of my heart.
Thump, thump, thump.
Ringing in my ears from a loud day at work.
As I lay here, I try to quiet my mind but in the back of I can hear screams of distress.
If I let them swim to the surface it will just be one ******* mess.
Infinite thoughts race through my head and yet at the same my mind is clear.
Cannot speak, cannot think.
I’m blocking off all that needs to be thought about. All that I need to let out.
**** it.
It’s all the same. It doesn’t even matter.
As days go on, friends grow slimmer.
It’s okay. I’m okay with just me.
That’s how it’s always been and probably always will be.
Less people, less worries, and less problems.
Time ticks by I still think of living the nomad life.
Because why? Because why not?
Less responsibilities, less stress.
Less worries, less people.
Living life on the road.
That’s where it’s at.
I think of all the beautiful places
In this world that I could potentially encounter.
I sit here and wonder, do I wait around to see where this life goes?
To see if it goes where I want it to?
Or do I take the secondary option and live free and homeless.
Homeless and houseless but never heartless.
I want to throw my troubles away. Wash them down a creek. Like skipping pebbles in the river, I want to watch them float away.
Would nomad life be what I’ve heard of? Peaceful? Or would it be more difficult than the every day average American life?
Wouldn’t have to go to work.
Wouldn’t have to pay rent.
Wouldn’t have much to pay for.
It would just be me and freedom at the tip of my fingers.
Lonely? Nah. Not really. I’m not the lonely type. Dads the only one I’d really miss.
I sit here and day dream, oh, what would it be like?

#FreeSpirited

Emotional and mental mess.
Nothing but distress.
Take one moment at a time
As that’s all I can seem to handle.
Not day to day anymore.
Only second to second.
These last several months, last several weeks have me ****** up.
Lost the woman I was becoming.
She’s buried within.
Soon, I’ll dig to find her.
Right now it’s hard to keep my head above the water.
Trying to keep myself from drowning.
But drowning within is the only emotion aside from anxiety that I can feel right now.
You’ve got me ****** up.
These days got me begging for mercy.
For peace, for silence.
When I can feel these things then I’ll reach for happiness once more.
I may seem calm and collected but all I want to do is cry.
Screaming inside.
If I could describe everything I’ve been feeling in this heart and mind of mine
I would tell you it’s like being a big beautifully colored bird trapped inside a cage 4x too small for me.
Suffocation desperate for resuscitation.
Let me be.
Set me free.
There won’t be any peace until all my belongings are with me.
No peace until you walk away and I lock that door.
The door that I and only myself have the ability to lock and unlock.
That’s when I click block.
Tears will run but so am I.
Running from what seems like the devil.
The narcissist inside of you.
I was wild, free, and so happy before I met you.
Free like a wild mustang.
That’s who I am.
So, let me be.
Let me back into wild where I long to be.
Had my life together before I moved under this roof.
Worked in healthcare now I’m jumping factory to factory.
Barely surviving mental health.
Not in my own home.
You took away my peace and my silence.
You took away my therapy.
My outlook on life.
Though I still believe all that I did before
All that I discovered before
I’m just waiting until my cage door opens.
I’ll be busting out
Breaking the chains off my wounded my ankles and wings.
I’ll fly so fast. Faster than you can blink your eyes.
I’m not me. Not anymore I am not.
I lost my life because of you.
And because of you I will gain it back and this time it’ll be even better.
Even when I’m kicked to the ground
Bleeding from my head and the limbs of my body
Though shall never defeat me.
I will not surrender.
Only surrendering I shall and will make is surrendering your ability to ever hurt me again.
Once that door closes
I am going to bolt it shut.
Never will you walk in through it again.
Locked and blocked you will be.
I will pray for you because it is people like you that truly need it the most.
Good riddance to you.
The friend and love I thought I once had.

Three in the morning.
What else is new?
Lying here in bed wide awake.
Mind full of thoughts.
About to burst open if these thoughts keep building up.
I have so much to say.
Only on paper can I express myself.
Too difficult to open up.
Too afraid to.
Don't want to be judged.
Turned away and shamed for my feelings before so I learned to hide everything in side.
Now that's just the way it is.
Rather be alone.
Can't take anymore pain.
Alone in silence is better than being tortured by all the possibilities of hurt another human being can bring to the table.
Being along is better than all those senseless fights.
What's the point anyway?
Fighting doesn't do anything good.
It only ruins our mentality.
Flattens our happiness
Increases our anxieties.
Took me so long to accept being alone
But now that I'm here it's where I'd rather be.
When you live the life such as one you would too.
As time goes on, it becomes easier and more desirable to crave voluntarily aloneness.
People think you're lonely when you're alone.
However, the truth is, sometimes being alone can give you some of the greatest memories and happiest times.
Being alone is better than being alone while with someone else.
Better to be alone than to suffer from the hurt from someone else.

Laying here in the silence.
Its dark but I am warm.
Lying here in bed.
Respirations and tears falling from my face are the only forms of sound I can hear.
How much can a heart take before goes into cardiac arrest?
I scream inside.
Painfully scream inside.
I feel trapped inside a empty box.
It's dark and lonely.
I'll be alright.
Always am.
Have no choice.
I'm mentally falling to my knees.
So hard that the knee caps I have burst from the fall I'm about to make.
Silent tears because I don't think I'm capable of letting the screams surface to the top.
Broken or bent?
Maybe a little bit of both.
Or maybe a lot of both.
So many thoughts and feelings inside this mind of mine.
Yet I can't seem to bring them to shore.

Around and around.
The world spins madly on.
Standing still in the middle of this street
yet it’s moving in a constant spinning motion.
How did I get here?
I closed my eyes and suddenly my world
has completely transformed yet again.
Im happy with what I have
But still so sad as the past weighs down
On my weakened soul.
Try to let go but how can I when I have the door of the past boarded shut.
Days are rare when I allow myself to think. To think of the past, the pain that follows.
The last seven years have come and gone
so **** fast.
How can I even catch my breath?
From a stranger to my husband
and back to a stranger.
A complete stranger.
Another lover enters my world.
One right after another.
Thought I might of found love
But they all stabbed me in my windpipe.
Can’t breathe, hard to see what’s in front of me.
I tell everyone it’s not good to not let yourself feel, to not express ones emotions.
Yet, I do the same.
I hide inside myself.
Bury my emotions, my thoughts.
Bury them not only from others but truly from myself.
In the last two years, I’ve met so many people. Good friends and even lovers, and all back to strangers. Suddenly.
Broke up with my two best friends and now I stand still with one good friend.
No shame in it for I truly do love him. For I am so thankful to have him in my life.
However, sadness remains.
At first, I was okay, but looking back, maybe it was denial. Maybe I thought that it wasn’t the end.
Maybe I thought it was just a break even though the words that were exchanged crushed my heart.
And now, now, I think of you every once in awhile. Lately, it’s been a few times.
Think of you both as I’ve ran across photos on social media or even just see your names.
I hope you’re okay.
I hope you’re shining bright.
Life is short. Soak up the sun while it still burns hot.

Tick tick goes the clock.
Sitting at the top of the stair case
As I sip on some wine.
The fresh, crisp, taste of sweet wine on my lips is refreshing.
One sip after the next as I daze into the night.
The silence of this home is so peaceful.
Silent physically.
Internally I’m screaming but nobody can hear.
I avoid myself. I avoid my thoughts.
For the thoughts in my head are far too much to bare.
I could write for hours at a time but to allow myself to think I will not.
So, for tonight, I will drown my lips into my sweet glass of wine.

Around and around I always go. Same old story. Different person. Always the same ending.
Can’t trust a word you say. It ain’t even you. It’s my past creeping up on me. The past that’s repeatedly happened. Over and over.
May have found real feelings once again. Baby, please don’t break my heart. Don’t think I can take another heartbreak. I drive myself to Madness with all the thoughts all up in my head. I try to relax. I try to breathe. But ****, all the demons creep up on me.
One small thing can create the biggest red flag in my mind. Maybe it ain’t even true. Maybe you’re loyal. Maybe you’re already mine. *******, why does this happen to me? Set me free, let me be.
Let me find the love of my life. Let me be the love of someone else’s life.
It ain’t fair. Look over there. All these people be acting like they are lucky in love.  ****, seems like nothing but an act but hell I’ve been there before. I was in love. I was his wife. I was his friend.
But just like most, he stabbed me in the back. There ain’t no turning around.  The damage is done. Insecurities have settled. Engraved to my brain. I am in trained to believe that everyone is a fraud. why does it have to be so hard? Why do people have to play my mind, my heart, and my soul?
We all just want love.
04.03.20

I try to understand.
I try to take the good with the bad and yet some days my soul breaks.
I want to scream.
I want to cry my heart out.
Let my soul be free.
I break inside.
The love of my life, yes, you will always be.
It wasn’t meant to be.
This, so hard to come to reality with.
It’s been a year and seven months.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
I wonder where you are.
I wonder what you’re doing.
Do you think of me?
Do you miss me?
Are you happy?
Do you regret everything?
Do you regret leaving?
Forever, I’ll miss you walking in the door.
In our home.
I pray for better understanding.
I pray for healing.
I pray for the love we once had to re-enter my life one day.
If I accept it, this I shall not know until the moment arrives.
It is you.
From the moment I seen you
It was always you.
Then and now.
Little by little I try to let go.
I’ll be okay.
I hope you are too.
I pray someday I can come to complete understanding.
Until then, my soul will hang by a thread but believe me I will be okay.
In a movie, I heard, “Love is until the very end”.
This I shall try to live by.
If it was true love we would still be together.
It wasn’t love.
Over and over I try to convince myself. Someday, I pray for that heaven-sent love.
Until now, I will continue to love myself the best I can.
For I am okay.

Get too emotionally invested.
Brain gets infested.
It’s like I get taken over by a world of demons.
So mentally ****** because of the past SO’s.
Unbelievable what one can do without ever laying a finger on ones body.
Messed up to the core.
Physically present.
Mentally absent.
Emotionally unavailable.
Broken spirit but I still fly high.
Lone-rider.
Wondering if maybe being alone is best for me.
Healthiest for me.
Intoxicated with feelings make me feel like a drunken fool.
Sober and alone is where it’s at.
Nobody likes being alone.
Nobody’s afraid of love.
We all love love.
We’re just ****** from the last and the past.

I have tried over and over.
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
After so long you begin to feel worthless.
Feeling unworthy, drained, and empty.
I’m tired of trying.
Mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Finally, May of 2020, I have become officially okay with being alone.
February 2020, I had yet changed again once more.
However, this time it is much different.
I have absolutely no desire to seek for love or a relationship.
The thought of a relationship literally freaks me out mentally.
I’ve never had this feeling before.
Always craving new love when my love is taken from me.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
I’ve changed.
Hurt has changed me for good.
Cuts a little deeper each time.
Pretty soon I’ll be down to the bone.
The feeling is rather bittersweet.
Yet at the same time it’s such a good feeling too.
Being okay with being alone means I want to continue to take care of myself 100% rather than depend on someone for emotional fulfillment.
Never again, will I ever love the same.
I’m different.
I’m over it.
Gone.