You declare you care.
Still, you’re never really here.
I deserve better.

Sometimes I hate me.
Always my own worst critic.
Don’t forget, love you!

Nightmares are always there
Behind my eyes, everywhere.
They are not fictional;
Nor are they mystical.
They have no dungeon-lair.

Nightmares each time I sleep
In my mind, they lurk and creep.
Suffocatingly real;
Non-fiction ordeals.
Too much to bear, awake I weep.

Cold and distant are adjectives used to describe me.
Misunderstandings cause pain to myself and to others.
Others perceptions are impossible to adjust
while pleading my case simply results in mistrust.

Sensitive and boring always sound so negative.
Sensitivity contains my observations and drives my compassion.
Simplicity keeps me grounded and allows me to remain rock-solid.
This combination is pivotal in relationships
As my responsibility and reliability will not slip.

Pessimism and sarcasm are a double-edged sword.
My realistic outlook influences misconceptions about hope.
My humor allows self-sharing without fear of being hurt.
I understand events happen and life is hard
And even knowing this I get through unscarred.

Adoring and analytical are my preferred descriptors.
The word Loving falls short at capturing the depth of my heart for those close.
I cannot avoid analyzing people and my surroundings
But alas most find all this to be extremely confounding.

A disappointment;
I am a true annoyance.
I apologize.

Ice Queen, they call her for her heart is too far.
They search far and wide for evidence of her heart, all to no avail.
For Ice Queen is her name and breaking hearts is her game.

“Why, oh why, my dear Queen must you throw up walls?” They puzzle forlorn.
The Ice Queen hastily explains,
“The jagged ice spikes keep out all the mild and meek.
Those lacking strength are sure to freeze under winters thumb!”

Strong independent woman
But still only human.
Perfection impossible to be attained.

Invincible on the surface
Yielding below the dermis.
Criticism harms the souls essence.

Outward positively pleasant
Internal increasingly depressant.
Happiness of else always forefront.

Broken subordinate female
Simmer; inhale and exhale.
Brush it off, “Boys will be boys.”

I will respect you,
If you respect me.

Human decency is all I ask.
Individuality is bred from differences
Which are not to be ridiculed.

Love thy fellow human.
We’re all made from the same cloth.
Let others live their lives as they wish.

If you respect us,
We will respect you.

With winter at our doorstep
I’m reminded that I could never forget.
How you loved the holidays;
You were always excited to celebrate.

Spooky Hollows frights
Would fill the whole front yard.
Witches would cackle through the night.
Skeletons, ghouls and bats
Oh how it was a sight!

Extravagant turkey dinners
With family by our sides
Thanks was given oh so tender.
For if all extras were to fade
Family would always linger.

Then ‘ole Saint Nick’s on the way.
Spend hours putting up the tree.
Oh, Don’t forget to light the way!
Then try to find the perfect gift
And hand them out on Christmas Day.

Don’t forget the “Auld Lang Syne” song
As the New Year approaches.
Find out where you possibly went wrong
And make resolutions to do better.
Don’t worry, the ball will be along!

For the holiday memories will always last
Regardless of the time that’s passed.
Broken spirits and hearts will heal with time
Because the love you gave endures a lifetime.

“Pay attention!” They exclaim.
I felt myself fading and
My whole body floods with blame.
If they only knew
How full I am of shame.
I hate knowing that
“Air-head” should be my name.

Hyper focus is my super power
Which Normies don’t understand.
My lack of attention in some areas
Creates an excess and focus in others.
Inability of regulating my brain
Allows for individuality and creativity to bloom.

“Wasted potential,” they judge.
The disappointment
Can really be too much.
When I’m upset
I’m likely to hold grudge
Because I don’t know how
To tell them, “Please don’t misjudge!”

Hyper sensitivity makes me feel deeply
Which the majority can’t comprehend.
My emotions rule my actions.
My sensitivity makes me more compassionate
And understanding to loved ones.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder
ADHD is its name
However I don’t see it as a deficit.
Different attention is it’s game.

I think of you
Always with any emotion
Happy, sad or glad.
Always my mind in motion
Recalling experiences we had.

I hear you
Always in my ear
Whispering past encouragement
Always fighting my fear
Of causing family detriment.

I feel you
Always in my heart
So proud of what I’ve overcome.
Always cheering even though we’re apart
With meaningful compliments a-strum.

I miss you
Always during my incompetence
There a family rock.
Always during my accomplishments
Which would result in positive talk.

I love you
Always in my thoughts
Always in my feelings
Always in my heart
Always regretting past fights
Always wishing for more time
Always loving you from afar
I love you.

It is dark.
Awake, I stare,
Into the air.
Enemies inside
Feel real and bedside.
For internal demons become louder yet.

It is dark.
Still, all around,
But internally bound;
Forced to recall
Revolving miss-calls.
For mistakes are repeated to be seen.

It is dark.
Unstable, I wait,
For the message gate.
Looking for validation.
Suicidal ideation.
For I tire of the fight.

It is dark.
Adrenaline, heart erratic
Fight or flight enacted.
Need to runaway
Far-far away.
For to stay would be too much.

It is dark.
Bright, the moon,
Akin to self gloom.
Night sky galaxies
In all their fantasies.
For escaping seems so hard.

It is dark.
Inside my head, midnight demons
Look to prey-on.
Hellish self-mutilation
Seems sole solution.
For self-punishment must be given.

It is dark.
In my mind
All the time.
Unable to mend
All the pain.
For I am alone in the fight inside my head.

It is dark.
For each are alone in ones fights within their heads.
It is dark.
For the strength to overcome comes from within oneself.
It is dark.