I can honestly say I didn’t know a year ago, I’d be standing right here with my the world crumbling in around me. As far as  my eyes can see, there are huge craters with smoke and ashes bellowing from each hole I created . This is my life. No joy, no happiness was ever deserved of me. However, for a moment you were there. Someone I prayed for. I saw in you for the first time in many years, a beautiful minuscule  bright green twig of life from one of my holes I created. As I lean down to touch the leafy twig, it immediately begins to die as other life forms have died in my life. “Figures”, I mutter to myself. God sends some to suffer in this world and I am one of his “chosen” ones. Lucky me…
I questioned Gods love for me always..he has taken everyone I have ever loved from my life, either through abandonment or death. There’s been so much death. I don’t want to be a chosen one to suffer anymore. I don’t want to be the chosen one anymore, I don’t want to be the chosen one anymore. I have suffered enough God..either take my soul from this body or give me just once the love I deserve.  I gave my life to you God, and believed in your word, that if I walked in your path of helping others, then one day I would be rewarded. Instead you dangle in front of me the idea of love and happiness, the idea of joy, the idea of oneness with another person, however you take that from me too. I’m tired God.
I want my next life! I’m so over this one…I don’t know what else to do.. you created me and raised me around monsters so I would learn to be the horrible person I am. I didn’t even have a chance to be in a loving home as a child..you threw me into abuse, neglect, addiction and more pain..no child deserves the abuse I was exposed to. Heck no human deserves what this young mind was exposed too. Yet somehow you expected me to turn out some what sane. That is your joke on me! As everything was destroyed in my life as a child, I continue the destruction as an adult. I just can’t help it. As much as I want to not **** everything and everyone around me I do.  
Another test! Thanks God! I think I should have my Phd in ******* **** up..But maybe you made the mistake? Maybe I was a botched abortion that you missed, maybe I should have died at birth and you forgot to take my soul..Maybe I’m your mistake God and really you never wanted me.so you lied to me so I would do your work on earth because you’re to **** lazy at times…I’m no saint, but the people I help and serve are your cast outs, and you barely help them. So where are you God? You are the selfish one..you are the selfish one…
I just want my bright green twig back God….just give me one meaning of life for once..but I’m ready when every you are ready to end mine. I want to have my green twig to hold on until I pass into where ever you feel I need to be. I want just that one memory of true love to carry me into my next life and many more. I want to know all of this suffering I did meant something to no other person but me..