Cara wanted to marry me, badly. I had sensed her growing anger for months. In attempts to make me jealous, she had begun to leave the top button of blouse unbuttoned and began to mention other men. Saturday night as we sat in my car, I told her a couldn't see her any more. I had a premonition that something awful was about to happen and intuitively I knew I had to get away from Ground Zero. But she reached over, put her hand on mine, and said, "I need you." We had agreed neither of us would have ******* with anyone else while we tried to work things out. I capitulated. I stayed at Ground Zero.
Sunday, Cara came over for a swim before we were to go to a company picnic in the evening. As she dried off after the swim, she lifted her leg and i saw her bruised *****, the most painful sight of my life. I knew I had not bruised it. It was such a painful sight, I unconsciously instantly repressed it. We went to the pinic, but after about 20 minutes, she said she wanted to leave and go to her own apartment. We drove back to my complex and gave her a kiss before she got out of my car to get into hers. I suppose I had kiised her a thousand times or more (we had been great lovers until she began to get angry about my reluctance to marry her), but that last kiss was the most awkward kiss of my life. She left and I got out of my car and began walking toward my studio apartment. Then I began to start weaving as I walked. I made it to my apartment, opened the door, and immediately sat down on this little sofa. It was then I remembered seeing her bruised *****. Instantly, as I looked up in the left-hand corner of my little living room, I saw a dark rectangle form with rounded corners. It had rows of small spirals in it. Slowly, the dark rectangle descended from the ceiling and enveloped me. It was the worst feeling I think I ever had had. I remember touching the palm of my right hand with my left hand. My palm was clammy. I picked up the phone and called her. She answered. I said to her I had seen her bruised her bruised ***** and I asked, "Did you go to bed Saturday night with that guy?' That "guy" had just moved into her apartment complex. Cara said, "I don't want to talk about it" and hung up. I called her right back, and as I screamed "Cara, tell me! I have to know!" I could feel something--I'll call it energy--welling up my spine into my head and coming out of both eye sockets an arching core of pure white light. I could see them. They were about 4-to-4 1/2 inches long. Then I went into shock. She hung up again. I slammed the receiver down so hard, I broke the phone. But I was able to call her a third time and said, "Cara, tell me. I have to know." "I've already told you," she said. I said, "Cara, Cara, Cara" then hung up. Within a week, I flew back to Topeka from Phoenix. It took me six years to recover from this extraordinary trauma. Dr. Twemlow, a Menninger pschiatrist, who had spent time in Tibet, said I had experienced an involuntary Kundalini arising. Many yogis spend their entire lives trying to induce a voluntary Kundalini, which they believe will bring them enlightenment. An involumtary Kundalini arising result in polar opposites of a voluntary one. I experienced many of these aberrational symptoms. Excruciating pain that traveled to all parts of my body was the worst. Some die from having an involuntary Kundalini arising. I obviously didn't. It was the toughest journey I have ever taken. I don't know if I gained even a scintilla of enlightenment. But you never know....
Copyright 2020 Tod Howard Hawks
A graduate of Andover and Columbia College, Columbia University, Tod Howard hawks has been a poet, an essayist, a novel, and a human-rights advocate his entire adult life.