It's the third day of my junior year and I am filled with an unchecked anxiety.
I feel the fire from my brain licking at my hands, so much so that they must fiddle with something.
I thought it had gotten better, but I am so afraid.
All the time.

But don't misunderstand,
I love school, very much.

But I still cannot get over the fear of the worst happening.
Thoughts eating away at my heart, intrusive as ever.  

Your hand holding mine calms me.
However, I cannot keep you with me all day.
Thoughts of you help,
how you called me pretty and how if I can just make it through this period,
I can see you after.

I hate being so dependent on someone,
it is so scary to think that you might change your mind and that you might not want my hand holding yours, but someone else's instead.
I push these fears deep down because I don't want to scare you with how crazy I really am.

When did I become like this?
Where all I can think about is what you would do or say?
I'm afraid, so very afraid.

Being through the screen without you is hard.
I want to hold you and see you smile in front of me.
I want to brush your hair away from your face, even if you like it that way.
Your eyes are just so beautiful,
and I get lost in them so, so easily.
Even if you're not mine.
Still, almost 5 months later.
Looking through the screen and wanting you is the hardest thing I do.

Here it is,
one final day left of my peaceful, expectation-less existence.
Don´t get me wrong, dear reader, I´m quite excited for a new school year to begin.
However, I cannot help but to reflect on the time spent away from school in hopes of ending the pandemic.
My peers and I grew significantly during this time.
We faced being alone, like so many of us fear.
We sat and had tea with our demons in the dark.
We dressed like we wanted to and said what we thought.
And we became the children of quarantine.
And while we hated every minute of it, we knew it was necessary and we took the precautions some of our parents wouldn´t even take.
We defied the government,
we spoke up and decided we were done being bullied by those who demand our respect due to age.
We painted and sang and didn't care if it sounded atrocious to others, because it was ours
and ours alone.
I reflect on our final day,
and am a bit saddened by our loss of freedom and I do hope we don´t revert back to the facades that we put forth during school.
I have hope, however.
We are done hiding,
I believe in us.

I am starting to feel a little bit misled.
I wrote you a paragraph of how much we share and how much you mean to me and you only said you too.
You flirt with me and say all these pretty words about how I´m beautiful and I´m different.
But how does that compare to the heartbreak I feel when you didn´t say anything but those two words.
I pour my soul on words meant for you only to receive the most unenthusiastic response.
You asked me on a date yesterday after talking in quarantine for two months.
Does that mean you like me?
Or does it mean that you expect more from me than I am willing to give,
even when I told you I wanted that to be for someone special.
Is it different for you?
I know you've already given that to someone else, but do you expect to be mine?
And is that the only reason you're here?
I know I´ll never show you this as I write it close to midnight, but it hurts more than you´ll ever know.
You made me feel something after feeling numb for so long and am I expected to push those away when they´ve made me feel so human?
What should I do now?
With my broken heart and a text left on read?
How do I go about this now and not upset you?
It´s funny how I still don´t want to hurt you even after you've hurt me.
I will try to keep them at bay, but my walls are crumbling again and I just don't know what to do.