The rain upon the window sill
reflects my mood inside
gloomy darkness, clouds, detached
cold lony tears I cry

Been many years since the sun hath fade
and many more the storms
I think, relive, that fateful day
now sadness is my norm

A plaything, puppet, on a string
entertainment on the side
was blinded by my happiness
hard reality now abides

I sit here dwelling all alone
her essence on my skin
my thoughts, the clouds, my everything
barely holds my soul within

A moment filled with life, I smile
now dust upon my heart
the strings have broken, my head held low
now dead, what love hath start

A simple thing had brought me life
now I sit up on her shelf
no thoughts of me, my feelings


now...

she only thinks about herself



  
An Awakening © 2017  Roberto Carlos

And whence the Vogel sang its song
awoken from my dreams
my flight against my destiny
prone helpless doth it seemed

I sat bestirred my heart afire
life's echoes raged in my mind
to rule what once - the best of me
oh..  so treacherous bane's design

I fell upon my knees in vain
screamed hoarse into the night
the rhythm of my blood, drained full
... ne'er concede the fight

All through the night my heart, bestilled
love's ichor 'pon the floor
my head held up, I would not yield
to lose her...

my soul abhorred



* A recurring dream


An Awakening © 2017  Roberto Carlos

I hear an echo within my heart
  throughout my thoughts, resounding
    each corner turned I can not find
         lost in a way, confounding

    The pain, the ache, deep misery
        my heart, it still doth yearns
     to hold her in my arms again
           to feel her touch in turn

My memories play all through the night
         sweet essence, everlast
     aroma rich, sweet hair's perfume
         my love for her - been cast

I cannot break these chains that bind
        heart, sweat, and tears each link
   I'll hold our love, our live's entwined
          forever beyond the brink

       Who am I to question love
   though her life hath fade away
      return to pray, I'm on my knees
         lay flowers upon her grave

     I hold my breath and live my life
  though years have passed the nigh
         undying love I oath to her
          with tears yet in my eyes







*For those who have lost a loved one



An Awakening © Roberto Carlos  
- March, 2010

Passionate Bibingka


1 stick butter 

Warm to the touch, velvety smooth as your lips 

1 box mochiko 

Perfectly packaged, a mysterious confection, like your kiss 

2 cups sugar 

My old favorite, your taste - guaranteed to bring a sweet smile to my face 

3 cups milk 

Silky smooth and rich, reminiscent of your alabaster, supple, yet yielding skin 

1 tsp vanilla 

A taste and essence, a hint of passion, like you, driving me crazy with desire and yearning 

3 eggs 

The last ingredient that binds our love. Simple, filling, and of itself, whole, complete 

Bake in a pan lined with banana leaves for 45 minutes at 350. Let rest and enjoy, or enjoy, then, let's rest.

Hold in heated passion until golden brown and glistening with moisture. Toasty and tastey - our pleasure sated 





An Awakening © 2019  Roberto Carlos

I spend lots of time now
just being alone
no texting, no emails
no Facebook, no phone

This turmoil I'm feeling
is not something new
it's been something that's been there
that had started then grew

I've tried to live life
by my own made up rules
always falling and stumbling
have acted the fool

I'd come to a crossroads
at this point in life
needed a change of direction
a path without strife

Lately life's challenges
have thrown me some curves
found myself praying
examining his words

He said, "Have faith, love, and patience
have a good heart throughout
though life's indiscretions
make you give in to doubt"

A sign he has shown me
though I'm in such dire pain
"New life cannot flourish
without patience and rain"


I went to church to pray, I mean really pray. It's been such a long time that I've gone to church with my heart my hands. I was at the lowest point spiritually, that I have ever been in my life - I asked for a sign

(It was a windy day. The sky was as overcast, cold, and cloudy, - my spirit and mood have much the same been the last few months).

He showed me a sign.

(At that exact moment, as I asked for him to help me, begging him... for him to listen... I felt a soft pressure on my right shoulder. It felt warm and comforing... as if someone had placed their hands upon me).

Tears came flowing from my heart, from my eyes, down my cheeks, neck, chin, and chest, to rest on to my clasped hands...

(I was the only one sitting at the back of the church, and as I looked over my shoulder, I noticed a large leaf had blown through an open window, and landed on my shoulder).

Now the tears came flooding from my soul!


So I'll give in, and not feel
that it's just up to me
I'll have true faith in the Lord
and take a, "Faith leap!"

Now with a heart
that's a loving and contrite
I'll trust in the Lord
to take up my fight




An Awakening © 2019 Roberto Carlos

He screams in his heart
silent screams in the cold
he screams till he's hoarse
till the pain leaves his soul

He can't look in her eyes
he knows of her sins
his thoughts of naught else
hides the torment within

He can't break these tight bonds
won't loose these strong ties
he'll hold to this life
wrought full of her lies

He gave her his all
gifted love's truth
she's used up his soul
his feelings are moot

He's come to a place
where he'd rather get burned
than wander abyss
suffer heartache and yearn

Venus, her name
her passion unbound
his curse and his passion
heart's rest nayever be found

But when 'tis his turn
her eyes looking his way
his scars all but forgotten
She...  his love for a day


     ~Love finds peace~


Warm tears now flow freely
down the cheeks of his face
in her arms held so tightly
rue tomorrow's disgrace




An Awakening © 2019 Roberto Carlos

I met death tonight 
he sat down by my side 
we watch and prayed, in silent, mourn 
over my father as he lied 

Bells and voices barely heard 
over the oxygen... silent breaths 
I wondered to myself, alone 
would he take his final rest 

Hours passed in retrospect 
I remembered through my life 
a violent man, he lived in rage 
a hard life so filled with strife 

He laid there, life, still hanging on 
as the fates met, rolled the dice 
I would not know what they had read 
but the room was cold as ice 

Death turned his head and looked at me 
said that all would be forgiven 
but before Dad left this worldly coil 
I'd have to release my hate, so driven 

No matter what this man had done 
I was his blood, his bone, his "Sire" 
what kept him here was guilt, unsaid 
and my heart so hard, on fire 

As tears ran down my face and cheeks 
I saw a light upon Dad's head 
I swear I saw an angel's hand 
...my heart filled full of dread 

I looked upon the angel's eyes 
I cried from my soul, so deep 
I begged him for another chance 
another day for Him, to keep 

I spoke out loud, so my dad could hear 
that I understood his pain, his torment 
not a man of words, so proud, he was 
tread a path so dark, abhorrent 

It's then I saw in my father's eyes 
as he looked deep in my soul 
I felt his grief, his embarrassment 
how he had lived his life so bold 

Time stood still as we conversed 
although not a word was said 
then Death ahem'd, and said farewell 
I could watch (And wait), in lieu, his stead 

All through the night I prayed alone 
that we both could have one more chance 
to mend our broken "Aiga" 
rebuild our familial anse 

Before I knew... the morn had broke 
the **** had crowed the day 
we had missed his final slumber 
but for long I could not say 

I stood up tall and leaned his way 
and kissed him upon his cheek
the hate had left us both... the same 
so spent we could not weep 




An Awakening © 12/07/2017 Roberto Carlos

Ruby,  her passionate heart, it was
desires and lust were burning
too hot to the touch, I could not stand
yet she left me wanting and yearning

Diamond her spirit, and all that she was
reflecting her whims and her moods
an emotional whirlwind, a tempest untamed
her beauty and spirit, my food

Pearl, her lovely supple skin I did stroke
it's silky smoothness, soft, warm, & yielding
her essence so intoxicating to breathe
defenses broken and all that 'twas shielding

Sapphire, her eyes, cool blue fire burning
piercing my being to the core
no hidden agenda nor secrets could hide
saw the whole of me and much much more

Emerald, her thoughts, so wild and so green
exposing deep forbidden passions
her world of sensuality screamed
I lost all my reason, control, and my 'ration


Yet...


Onyx, her heart, so black and so cold
midnight's abyss nay compare
careful & wise the choice you must make


pray,


tread lightly if you must dare





An Awakening © 2019 Roberto Carlos

A tear falls into a lake that was created since you left. I cannot, to this day, remember the moment I sadly began to sheds tears for you

What was once a desolate dessert, now a boundless lake

The lake took an eternity to develop, as the ground was very parched and dry

At first, the arid wasteland I found myself in, had no beginning and no end

The sun was unforgiving, the land smoldering in the heat. The darkness of night, dry and freezing, stole the moisture of my tears before they hit the ground

Only in the early dawn hours could you see the remnants of my suffering, as dew drops on the few strands of grass in the shadowed areas, behind a large formation rocks I had found as refuge

Countless times the sun advanced, and as many times in the darkness, the moon looked down upon me with sadness

After what has seemed an eternity, I now find myself in the middle of a vast lake

I cannot see the shores in any direction I look. I feel alone and lost, but I do find a bit of comfort on the rocks that have been my soul's bastion and companion in my desolation

When I cry at night, the ripples of the tear drops I shed, send unending waves away from me to distant shores

Upon these ripples I see the moons' distorted reflection, the illusion of her smiles flashing up to me between the crowns of the water's reflection

The sun now brings warmth, and the night solace

Sometimes at night I can almost hear the echoes of my heartbeat

I believe the lake has restored part of my spirit. The water signifying my sacrifice and my contribution to life, promising growth..  the now gentle sun, promises life

I am almost ready to set off from my self-imposed solitude. I shall swim until I tire, with hopes of reaching a shore where I may once again regain my way



The only question I have



is



in which direction should I go?





An Awakening © 2019 Roberto Carlos

I saw the seventh temptress
  descending ‘pon the stairs
her confidence bold, exuding
  her power, and her airs

The men who looked, at once, upon
  the vision of her beauty
their eyes were hard, their jaws were slack
to adore and lust their duty

Yes, every eye upon her stared
  her spell, it had been cast
yes, every eye upon her looked
  all.. except mine eyes were last

She looked upon and toward my way
   and wondered how this could be
her spell had captured every heart and soul
  all else except for me

How could I stay outside her whim
   and not be so enthralled
a crease appeared between her brows
    upon her head appeared a cloud

I for one, the only, seemed
    she could not bend my will
how could she know I'd lost my heart
   my soul in torment still

The power I did hold from her
   was my lack, my broken heart
my eyes unfocused, myself denied
    due... my spirit lost, cold, and hard

She had no power o'er me
  in days gone by, the worst
of countless lovers from times the nigh
                        


                     'twas I



                I was her first




                  
© An Awakening - Roberto Carlos 2019