The clock breaks my heart beat
Into hours, minutes, seconds
It reminds me to breathe
Let my heart beat
One, two, three
Just make it through the next sixty seconds
Through the next sixty minutes
Through the entire day
Four, five, six
Until you're in your bed
Staring at the ceiling
Breathing, breathing
You made it through the day
But how do you make it through the night?

I love the way your lashes are laced in tears
That are just barely hanging on
That are just about to fall
Please just let them
Please

Once a month my body bleeds
My body aches, my body grieves
The pain makes it hard to breathe
The pain is immobilizing

But I can’t complain anymore

Because now my moms body no longer bleeds
But her heart aches, her heart grieves
Her pain makes it hard to breathe
The pain is immobilizing

I still can create a life inside of me
I am cancer free
My mom wasn’t so lucky...

But mom can I tell you please?
It doesn’t make you less womanly
You haven’t lost your identity
You still had the power to create me
You can ache and you can grieve
Even though you feel like you lost a part of yourself

You’ll never lose me

A growing pain takes over slowly
Squeezing the breaths out of me
Heart racing faster, my head is spinning
Everything else has lost its meaning

Now it’s only you, the ghosts of your hand
Gripping my heart till I can’t stand
Scaling my body, touching me slowly
I forget your hands have never known me

I forget that you weren’t ever mine
But I spent my days looking for signs
That maybe you loved me even just a bit
And honestly, I even thought you did

I was convinced you did but wasn’t sure of it yet
That we had a connenction from the moment we met
But I forget that you were always somebody else’s
And I realized that it was not you, but I who felt the connection

Yet I can’t help but hold on to the last stage of hope
That maybe you only said you loved her just for show
Maybe you say it because you feel it’s your duty
Maybe you don’t really love her and instead love me

But I’m tired of holding on to hope worthlessly
I’m tired of waiting for you to love me
Because I don’t want to be second choice not just an option
I’m not a pit stop where you can periodically stop in

I’m a woman, a storm, a chaotic mess
The ocean, the skies contained in a dress
And the hands that will take place of your ghost in me
Will not grip my heart but help it beat

When I’m happy
I can’t find words to say
And when I’m sad
The words never stop
I think it’s because
Sadness has soul
And happiness does not

It took the gift and loss of love
The joining and breaking of hearts
To come to the realization
That feeling is an art

I mimic your hands
Clawing my stomach and back
But I have a knife instead
And blood spills from the cracks

It flows when I call out your name
And paints my bed and sheets
If only you’d come back
Then you’d see my masterpiece

I wonder if the moon
Stares at her reflection in the water
And tells herself
That she hates the places where she’s incomplete