Relentlessly
The wind blows, whips, and howls
The rain pours and pounds
The lightning flashes and crashes
The thunder booms
Most nights this storm is for me
Reminiscent
Of the storm inside
My mind, my body, my soul
The wind to warn
The rain to cleanse
The lightning to shine
And the thunder to frighten
I am oddly at peace with this storm
Tonight
This storm is meant for another
The wind to breathe life
The rain to wash impurity
The lightning to reveal
And the thunder to jolt
Again
For me the wind a soft kiss
The rain a cool shower
The lightning a guiding light
The thunder a low rumble
Yet
For you the the wind steals your breath
The rain stings your face
The lightning blinds your sight
The thunder rattles your cage
Suddenly
It is over
The wind is distant
The rain is memory
The lightning is distant
The thunder is fading
Relentlessly
It calls upon the next
Another soul rejuvenated
Another mind convicted
Another spirit revealed
Another body seized
Relentlessly

Like a Siren’s song
Her voice called to me
Rekindling the flames
Of a past love
As her voice reverberates within my skull
I imagine abandoning all I have
Family, friends, career
To follow
Innocently it begins
Simply acknowledging the beauty of what I hear
Slowly it shifts
I could support her
Musically, of course
Creatively, perhaps
But my skill is not worthy of her voice
We could practice, together
I could learn to be better
For her
We could travel the world, together
She could make my dreams come true
And I hers
As if she needed anything from me
Inevitably, I would fall in love
With the music, with her
We would create beautifully
Things would end horribly
I would find myself alone
With no regret
But longing for the embrace
Of the wife and children I had left behind
To follow this Siren’s song

A vase of wilting roses
Once full of life
Bringing beauty to the room
A source of joy
For those that received them
And for all who would smell them
Or gaze upon them
It matters not how much
Nor how little
Water, sunlight, or care
They received
The wilting was inevitable

Why do we bother to give a gift
That will only grow uglier with time?
Why do we delight in beauty that fades
In only a few short days?

I see myself in these roses
Someday, too, I will wilt
My beauty will fade
Where I once brought joy
Eventually I will be thrown out
No matter how well I am cared for
How healthy I live
Someday it will all be stripped away

The greater the joy a flower brings
The harder it is to dispose of
Many a rose are kept well beyond
The peak of their beauty
For the memory they evoke
Let me evoke great memories
And I will be held well beyond
My wilted beauty

Why would it be bad
To have cake and also eat it?
Why is that a metaphor of greed?
What else should I do with cake?
It could be a piece of art
Something beautiful to behold
But it’s purpose is to be eaten
It’s cake

Yes, I would like my cake
And to eat it as well
I want to enjoy
The things I enjoy
Not simply to hold them in my hands
Stare at them upon a platter
Wonder what they taste like
I want to eat the cake
It was made for someone to eat
Why not me?

Too much cake
Will make me fat
The sugar and flour
Conspire together to build a gut
It is not healthy to eat cake daily
I cannot keep cake in the house
The temptation is too great
But everything in moderation
A piece of cake here and there
To be had and to be eaten
Is a nice treat

The daily grind of salads and chicken
Nuts and fish
Avocado and eggs and water
Will keep me healthy
Grounded
So when I feel like cake
I can have it

Order cake for dessert
Or to celebrate a birthday
An accomplishment
Or anniversary
No one bats an eye
But order cake for breakfast?
Might just incite a riot

There is a time and place for cake
Society has deemed it so
We are not the rulers of our own lives
(Though we could be)
Instead our culture dictates
The rules of life
Steak for breakfast or for dinner
But not lunch
Bread goes with every meal
Eggs and bacon are for the morning
But at night is a nice treat - on occasion
Beer after five
But it’s five o’clock somewhere

And somewhere
Someone is ready for dessert
So **** it
Let’s eat this cake
That I have procured
You and me, together
Let’s have our cake
And eat it too

It’s persistent, the voice in my head
The voice that tells me I’m no good
I may have kept it at bay for awhile
But now that I’m tired and stressed
Now that I feel like I’ve lost control of my life
It’s back

I am not a good husband
Not a good father
Not a good coach
Not a good friend
Not a good employee
Not a good son
Not a good writer
Not a good person

These are the words it wants me to believe
These are the feelings it evokes
These are what will ruin my day
If I pretend they aren’t there

The power is in the secrecy
If only I would keep these words hidden
Don’t let anyone know
The secret is the oxygen that fuels the fires
Of self doubt
The voice wants me to suffer alone
“No one can know” it tells me
“They won’t understand” it bellows
But these are lies

All have days like this
All have weeks and months
Littered with doubt and stress and fear
The truth is that we are not alone
Not in any of it
Those lies lose their power
In the presence of that truth

Share your fears
Acknowledge that they exist
Identify them by name
And you will learn that your mind
Plays sick jokes

I am a good husband
I am a good father
I am a good coach
I am a good friend
I am a good employee
I am a good son
I am a good writer
I am a good person

Even when I don’t feel it
These are the truth

Though our time has come and gone
Our moment together has passed
Still I remember you fondly

Though the good times are no more
And the catalogue of memories is complete
Still I remember you fondly

Even though I opened myself fully
And you seized the opportunity to hurt
Still I remember you fondly

The source of great joy
And cause of great despair
Still I remember you fondly

Despite my efforts to chase the past
You pretend that I never existed
Still I remember you fondly

You mean a lot to me
More than I ever did to you
And so I remember you fondly

A revolution inside my soul
Set aflame by your belief in me
So I remember you fondly

You encouraged me to feel fully again
Then plunged a sword into my tender heart
Still I remember you fondly

You were my best friend
And I was merely a game to you
Still I remember you fondly

I am not who I am today without you
The joy or the pain you brought
So I remember you fondly

I choose to build my life based on the lessons you taught
Not the cuts you gave
So I remember you fondly

Your touch is not foreign to me
I have known it many times
Mysterious the origin of it remains

I can sense your presence
Before even the physical touch
Today you are near

Will I feel your gentle caress along my cheeks?
Will I taste the sweet sweaty salt
That accompanies your touch?

Will I hurry to brush you aside?
Or will I linger in your presence?
Will I find comfort in your touch?

We spent many nights together
Intimately so
Simply for each other’s sake

I fell asleep in your embrace
Night after night after night
You were my safe haven

I pushed you away
Afraid of our connection
Of who I was becoming

I miss the times we had together
The long nights in your embrace
The knowledge that what I felt was real

Today I feel your presence
Behind my eyes, as you always begin
But will I feel your touch?

I am no one’s hero, no one’s savior
I am only me
I am but one man with one man’s ideas
I can only control myself
I have a particular way about me that many find off putting
And others find inspiring
I have not come to save the day
If that is what you’re waiting for, you will die
I can lead and guide
I can make suggestions
I can lean on the wisdom of those that have come before me
But I cannot save you
Your salvation is your responsibility
Take control of your own destiny
Chase the life you want
I will be here to support you
I am not Superman nor Spider-man
I cannot hear your screams above the noise of night
I cannot fly through the air at great speeds to rescue a damsel in distress
I have not superpowers with which to emancipate
I am but a single human man
And a frail one at that
So do not look at me with those eyes
Do not await my triumphant entrance
When I arrive, it will be humbly
You will make me out to be more than I am
You will tell stories of my great deeds that are grossly exaggerated
You will make a hero of me in the hearts of others
But I am just a man
I implore you, please, take control of your own life
Your own decisions, your own path
I can be of much more help if you do
I am but a weak man
And cannot bear the weight you have asked me to
I am not your savior
I am only me

The gods have conspired
They have a message
For me, for you, for us:
Slow down
Wake up
Pay attention

We coast through life
Rushing from here to there
Life a blur
Our focus on what is next
The next dollar
The next function
The next day
The next

Slow down
Rushing is fruitless
It gets you not to where you want to be
Nor where you need to be
Any faster
Only more flustered

Wake up
Stop drifting through life
As if a dream
The worst of all dreams
Until one day you are forty
With only hypertension
As proof of life lived

Pay attention
Look around at all there is
The world is your oyster
You’ve shut out all that is beautiful
All that is worthy
In order to rush

Snow has covered the earth
Bitter cold has enveloped the air
The wind is screaming
Slow down!
Wake up!
Pay attention!
The gods have conspired.

The wind, she howls
Cold air bites
The tips of fingers
Noses and ears

A clear sky
Is a fickle friend
Allowing warmth of sunshine
And bitter cold

Tiny hairs
Within my nose
Freeze with every breath
I am alive

Eyelashes, too
Frozen in time
From the tears
The wind has caused

The air, dry
Almost thirsty
Pulls moisture
From my skin

Frigid temps
Extreme conditions
Our world goes on
Unapologetically

Clarity
As if a rare flower
Found only in the depths
Of remote jungles
Eludes me

Searching
For that which cannot be found
The Loch Ness monster
Atlantis and focus
All are a myth

Fog
Ever present
Clouds cover my mind
Engulfing my thoughts
Choking their oxygen

Brain
Zig zags about
From one idea to the next
Like a wild horse
With no reigns

Stomach
Churns with anxiety
As I force these words
Onto a screen
For someone to read

Writing
Not a chore
Though today my love
Is work
Like any relationship

Fault
Lies with no one in particular
But all parties
Equally culpable
We struggle together

Together
We stay
I will not leave
Nor will you
So we press on

Perseverance
In the face of adversity
Like a bunny chased
By a hungry fox
I will not give up

Together
Mind, body, soul
We conspire to create
Somedays greatness
Others - just something

A cluttered mess of worthless thoughts
My brain is much like the atmosphere today - foggy
Ideas, thoughts, notions fluttering every which way
None particularly interesting
None particularly clear
Some may name this writer’s block
For me it’s just residue
Gunk that needs to be cleaned out
I want to follow none of these notions
For they are dead ends
Yet I feel there is no choice
Even now they distract me
Slowing my fingers from typing the words that attempt to flow from them Sometimes it’s because there are so many great thoughts
I need only to find clarity
Sometimes there are no great thoughts
Just distraction
My fingers do the workout
My mind gets the benefit
Type type type
Write write write
This is how I clean

My body weak from the emotional toll
Of the last ten days
I sit, awake, but barely
Nine hours of sleep was not enough
To recharge my soul
I sip coffee and search for words
I rub my eyes and yawn
I have worked out and prepared for the day
And still feel dead to the world
The dog jets around the house
Looking for a partner to play
I drift into thoughts of nothing
Asleep with my eyes open
I will wake up the family soon
There will be no going back from there
For now, the illusion of rest

The rain pounds the roof
Like a child pouring out a bag of marbles
Upon a plastic table
He picks them up
Only to pour them out again

The water falls in sheets
One after another
Blown in by Boreas

Thunder rumbles lightly in the distance
As if watching the destruction from afar
Cheering on the rain
Showing support
The waters rise and take the earth
Piece by piece

Sporadically we are reminded
That we are not in control
The earth is not ours to subdue
We are powerless against her advances
We are at her mercy
And still life goes on

Traffic flies by at its usual pace
People rushing to work
Rushing home
Always rushing
Oblivious to the revelation
That the earth is delivering
Is that the power of the human spirit?
To press on regardless?
Or is that evidence of our ignorance?
That we selfishly pursue our interests
Despite the message being sent?

The earth demands our attention
Destroying itself with its own air
To remind us
That the structures we build
The lives we make
Are nothing to her
She has taken many lives before us
And will take many more

Someday humanity will be gone
But the earth will rage on

Treat your mother well, earthlings
For she is our protector
There is no life without her blessing
And she will find balance
Within the world you’ve created

For every storm
There are countless days
That pass by without notice
She spins, creates life, enables health
And we go about our business
With nary a “thank you”
Embrace your mother
Show gratitude
For without her blessing
We are but a speck of dust
Blowing in the wind

There are six tables set up
Fourteen chairs around them
We can all see each other
A door that slides shut
To give the illusion of privacy

My alleged peers and supervisors
Talking business, solving problems
Allegedly
This room created to give the air of importance
I do not fall for it

Most of the talk is trivial
Complaining about the uncontrollable
Offering no practical solutions
Waxing philosophically
“Wouldn’t it be great if…”
This is business, not a fairy tale

It’s safe to say I’m not engaged
In this conversation
In this meeting
My mind isn’t somewhere else
But it is not here

Perhaps the bruised ribs
And pain that accompanies
Is what keeps me disengaged
More likely
It’s the futility of conversation

Every couple minutes
I shift in my seat
Searching for comfort that cannot be found
It helps the time to pass
Three and a half hours

Each job provides its own misery
Every month this is mine
Three hours for a few nuggets
Of something useful
This is inefficient corporate America
Pay me to drive
Pay me to sit
Pay me to daydream
Pay me to eat
They call this management

There was a time I was excited
To have influence
For my voice to be heard
To be in a room with important people
I was naive

Once per quarter I will voice my opinion
And maybe it makes a difference
Not likely, though
Everyone wants confirmation
Not discussion

Ultimately those that make decisions
Make their decisions
Based on their own vision
Their own emotion and experience
Not the collective

And, so, the cycle continues
I return to my store
I sit at my desk
As if this day never happened
Except that my shirt is still tucked in

On the verge of tears all day
A million reasons why
A million reasons for them to be there
And a million reasons to keep them inside
Today I bought the lie
“You are not enough”
As so many days before
And so many yet to come

Today I was not strong enough
To be the strength for someone else
To find truth among the lies
To reach out for help
To combat the growing insecurity
To brush it off
Today I was only strong enough
To struggle through

But today I was strong enough for that
Just as so many days before
And so many yet to come
This is my war
Battles waged monthly
Weekly
Daily
Even by the hour

Somedays I charge valiantly
Seizing enemy territory
While others I settle in the bunker
Concerned only with holding fast
So long as I survive
Tactics matter not
And survive I must
For the enemy cannot win

Answers I have not
Merely suggestions
Rattling between my ears
My pleading you’ve misconstrued
As lecturing
I have no authority over you
You are correct
Nor do I claim any
Communication is a two way street
We are in this together
Searching for solutions together

Raised to seek the authority
To be told what to think
How to feel, who to love
We know not ourselves
Only the image
We’ve been told to portray
To shatter that image
Or to perpetuate it
Is not my goal
My journey is not yours
But it is ours
For we are all one

Who could be a greater authority
Than the one that resides within?
You are your authority
Responsibility is yours
To seek new ideas
Vet them
Dispose of the useless
Incorporate the useful
Or hold them until the moment is right
Countless opinions exist
Available to the masses
Whose are valid?
The decision is yours

You rant and you rave
Desperately seeking attention
Read between the lines
“Please, look at me!”
“Please tell me I matter!”

Your constant talking
Admonishing and encouraging
Are thinly veiled attempts
To justify your own existence
You are not a leader
If no one follows

You want to make an impact
I get that
You want to be missed
I get that too
We all do

You throw crap against the wall
Hoping it will stick
But your words are muddy
You share ideas
They are convoluted at best

You want to be the antidote
To a vapid world
Consumed by the trivial
The surface
The small talk

You are not interesting enough
To move the needle
Not motivating enough
To inspire
Your words fall mostly flat

Still, you do matter
In the way that we all do
You will be missed
By those who know you
You do make a difference

It may not be how you dream
Or how you’d like
You may never reach the peak
Of the mountain you are climbing
But at least you keep moving

And so, friend
Keep doing what you must
Do what you like
Train your mind and body
But be realistic

There is much noise
Your voice may not overcome it
Some are listening
For the whisper
To find the truth

Your message
Is not for everyone
For everyone
Cannot handle it
Don’t stop

I sit crooked in my chair
A dog plays alone
Spider-man holds my coffee
Salt and pepper on the table from last night’s dinner
An empty cup
My phone and another empty cup
Countless papers hold the table down
As if at any moment it could float away
A pumpkin from Halloween
A deceased Christmas cactus
An untended fairy garden

We are not adept at noticing the small things
We are not ones to clean up after ourselves
We are not good at good-byes
We are constantly out-waiting everyone else
Holding on for someone to clean our mess
Confident that someone else will be less patient than ourselves
This will bother you before it bothers me

It bothers me
But I cannot do it alone
I cannot be the maid
I cannot look after the possessions of five
In addition to my two jobs
And so I pick my battles
I learn to let go
I put on the same blinders you have
Pretend it doesn’t exist
So that when I do have time and energy
I have forgotten all about it

The darkness awaits
Always there
Ready to engulf without a moment’s notice
Sometimes dormant
Sometimes active
Always inevitable
The darkness awaits

I am nobody’s hero.
I am no one’s savior.
I am not the potential you see in me.
I am a mere mortal.

A mortal who struggles
Day by day
Writhing in emotional discomfort
A mortal devoid of answers
Only more questions

I am not a counselor
Who should take advice from me?
From a man engulfed in his own shortcomings?
No one.

I am not the perfect parent
I am not the ideal husband
I trust my shaky instincts
Sometimes

I am nothing special
I am simply me.

I pretend to be asleep
And wish I was
But my mind races
About that which I must do
But never wanted
About recent shortcomings
Worried about more to come
About my eventual death

Will anyone notice?

Certainly not the others
Who are awake right now
Racing past my home
Unaware of my existence
On their way to or from
At four o’clock a.m.

And certainly not the billions
Across the globe who
Have no reason to concern themselves
With a stranger
In middle class America
Living a comfortable life
Worried about a death unlikely to come soon
While they fight just to survive today

Probably not the thousands
With whom I’ve had brief encounters
Barely brushing through their lives
With hardly an impact
They may see my face
Or recognize my name
But they cannot place it
And they go about their day

There are hundreds of whom I know
And they know me
By face and by name
In an instant
Hundreds with whom I have lived
And had impact
Who may consider me a friend
Or a colleague
Or even a mentor
Surely they would notice

This is the dichotomy of death
I wish not for them to suffer
But need to know I will be missed
I want my absence to be noticed
But for all to find happiness
I want them to mourn
And not forget me
But also to live on
Full and happy lives

This cannot be ensured
We can never be certain
Yet must live as if we are
Without fear of anonymity
Or an empty funeral
Try to make an impact each day
And hope that it matters
To someone
Somewhere

There are no grand revelations
No great message for the world
Nothing to shake your worldview
There is only life
And how we react to it
Will we get lost in the chaos of daily responsibility
And miss all of life that surrounds us?
Or will we take time to notice
The people, the earth that give us life?
We are designed to work, to create
To build and to destroy
But not only that
We are designed to relate
To laugh and to smile
To get angry and to be sad
To emote is to be human
Yet we seek to drown the emotions
Desiring to ignore the discomfort
We distract with alcohol, ***, gambling
Drugs and work, shopping and even religion
Time passes, we become dependent
Eventually, we know no other way
To cope with how we feel -
About ourselves, about life
About impending death -
We go back to the well
Day after day
Hoping, praying, that today will be the day
That peace arrives in a bottle
But only distraction
We spiral further
Shame creeps in
Fear grows
We isolate
Show them not our flaws
But only our victories
Our vapid victories
We hide the truth
Reveal what we believe is the best of us
It’s a lie
The best of us is what we hide
The best of us is our battle
Our fears and our scars
The best of us is how we’ve grown
And what we’ve learned
When will we accept that there is no joy
Without the pain that preceded it?
When will we know, deep in our souls,
That ALL are broken
That we are not alone
That we need each other?
There is no honor in pretend
No bravery in hiding
The world is cruel, true,
For insecurity runs rampant
Have the courage to reveal
No grand revelation
Just how you’ve responded to life

Time moves
Constantly, consistently
It neither flies nor drags
Only our interpretation
Gives those distinctions

Time waits for no one
For no thing
Time has no master
Except perpetual motion
And so it goes

More time for the good
To relish accomplishments
To be with loved ones
Time cares not
For our desires

Less time to consider
Failures, death
Sadness and the like
Time cares not
For our desires

With or without you
Time marches on
With or without us
Time marches on
Time marches

With or without this world
This earth, this universe
Time marches on
It is not needy
Time marches

It is not concerned
With our busyness
Nor our names for it
My time is limited
Time itself is infinite

Seconds, minutes, hours, days
Weeks, months, years
Decades, centuries
Millennia, eons
Are all the same to time

It does not speed up
It will not slow down
It will not stop
Only you can make the most
Of the time you have

Celebrate well, mourn appropriately
But do not waste time
For your end
Is nearer than you think
And time will march on

The cool crisp air has settled
Calming
The slow breaths of a dying world
Silently gasping for air
But finding none
Is it Autumn, or something more permanent?
Somewhere, a hurricane rages
Desperate to convey the truth
To a population unwilling to listen
The most weather on record
Each season
Still, we blame others
Life goes on
Cars whizz by, unfettered
Unaware
Soon we will be the ones gasping
In our final breaths
For what we’ve done to our home
The earth will enter a deep sleep
Winter
Only the most resilient will survive
Inhospitable conditions
Rebirth will begin
Grass will grow, flowers bloom
Spring
The earth will give life once again
Life will find away
Just not ours
We have but one chance on this earth
Let us change course to not throw it away
It is not the earth that needs us for survival
It is us that needs her

Listen closely to hear
The echo of a soul
That used to reside within
The shadow of that which used to exist
But is no more

I am but an empty shell
A vessel abandoned
Vulnerable to the storms of the ocean
Tossed to and fro
By the whims of the wind and waves

My body lives on
Seeking only survival
And carnal pleasure
But without purpose
Its existence is moot

My mind continues
Weaving webs of confusion
Destructive thoughts
Circular logic
Are all unfulfilling

But the soul, oh, the soul
The soul has left
Can it be rebuilt?
Can it exist once again?
Or am I left to wallow in emptiness evermore?

Give me direction
Give me purpose
Give me a reason to live
And the drive to accomplish
Restore to me my soul