Barely Together

                               - Jocelyn Kay

How is it I hold myself together
When you’re around me
And I can breathe
The air around your skin

How is it I don’t cry always
Don’t collapse, don’t capsize
Every atom of me aching as I watch you be someone else’s

Selfish I am, the pain is of my own making
I’m happy you’re happy, but I’m shivering and tired
I’ll hold it together
But only for you

You don’t need to know, you don’t need the drama
I’ll hold it all in
And try to be me
Feeling my insides exploding
Calm, outwardly

Was this meant to happen?
Did I mess up a past life

Is there really just one Destiny?
Where do I find peace
Where do I find solace
Where do I find the happiness that I seek
Where am I headed
Where will I land

Will it just be another barren island

All we can do is hope,

Cling to that everthinning rope

To change is to die, and I’m broken inside

Will you leave me?
Will time split our paths in two?
Will I get to see you?
Can I still love you

Is it answers I seek? Or shallow distraction

I don’t believe in You.

But help me Lord

Did Buddha get it right

Are there lives past and unkempt
Is Karma directing our actions
To what do we owe these painful, painful sanctions
Follow me through the journey
Of a time gone by

The child, born in rye
Dazzling his divinity, Unsung his rhyme
Tis a time t’will change the world
Sin his undoing
Burdensome his load
The constantly burning sting
Of humanity
And its struggle towards redemption
Is it because You gave up
That we no longer see You
Is it because we cannot be saved

It burns. It has burnt all my life
Has consequence not extracted its toll
Pound for pound
Extracted its toll
I shall see the light
I shall push forward
I’m no coward
The road to heaven is paved in thorns
But oh Fate
Behold my rebellion
As I hurtle to salvation

- Jocelyn Kay

Have I fallen to this extent

Has this consumed me too far
This wasn’t my intent
I just wanted to show you the brightest stars
But I broke your heart
And now mine feels like it has too

I wanted to escape
This world, this reality
This reality in which we can’t be together anymore

I’ve been keeping score
Of all my sins, all my failings, all the things I did
I don’t need to write them, the memories are vivid,
And devastating
They torment me every day

I miss you in every single way
The way you smiled, the way you sang and the way you teased
The way you would sulk when you weren’t really pleased
The way you shined, the way you walked, the way you made my heart stop

Tis a cruel thing memory
No escape, no release
And so I try and forget
In any way I can
I drink, I travel and I wait
For those times to fade

Wounds of the flesh heal over time,
But heartbreak only gets worse

Am I shackled by my own chains?
Do you feel the same way?

Do we both regret that time gone past
and that
The spaces between us have never seemed so vast


I wait for a sign,
A sign that you could again
be mine

It was a time of great misery

Ashes choked the air

The kingdom is burning they screamed

The general was slain, caught unaware

The sights were grotesque, frightening

Rubble and mangled bodies everywhere

Crying children, their voices disappearing abruptly one by one

Debris gleaming gold in the harsh glaring sun

They looked like demons, covered in crimson

Horned helmets and heavy axes

The very ground trembling at the bloodlust they had unleashed

The destruction they had visited, upon this once beautiful land

Let me take you by the hand

Lead you through the tale

Of this nation’s last stand

And how it came to be for naught

Survivor

                                                               ­                      - Jocelyn Kay
I did it all so he couldn’t hurt me again
I ended up hurting myself
He’s gone, a whisper in the wind

But he haunts the deep dark memories within
His hands, unwelcome
His breathe stale and lips dry

To forget is impossible
The drugs erase everything else
Tis a terrifying pain, the pain of times gone by
You feel it through the numbness
It creeps up on you, sly

Family and friends
Mean very little now
They didn’t know how to help,
And a part of me believes they didn’t even care to try

How do I wash this filth off my skin
Scrubbing till streams of blood run down my limbs
Have you ever had a scar
The size of your whole being

Throbbing

Singing tales of times best forgotten

The scars outside lasers can wipe
The wounds inside I can only hide

And so I live,
Day to day
Hour to hour
Getting through it, slowly
Shakily
At first

But then with grace.

I

Clutch at that fraying thread

There’s another

Man

To keep rigid is all I can

I approve

And I trickle into Judgement

I will never express it. Never show an inkling.

I would never approve of such behaviour

Are you mine?

Can anyone be another’s

I shall never know

Ah my small, personal insignificant woe

I am small in the scheme of things

I know I can’t fly, there are no wings

But to take that chance

Is so tempting

That feeling of the improbable

The longing of the unimaginable

Lady love

Know that I will never tell you

Or be fu*kin creepy about it

I will be the last bastion

The last port of emergency

To make you happy is all I need

My soul is yours, as is my fealty

I shall hide my feelings

In eternal sleep

-

Jocelyn Kay

Do you see
The wonder in this life
Even if it has its pitfalls
Deep and unsavoury
Isn't the feeling in your stomach a sign you're alive?
That racing thrill
That sweet sweet pleasure
The first sip of tea in the morning
The last ray of shine before night
And yet
Despite these wonders
Despite my desires
I cannot find it in me to be happy
I am distracted
My thoughts return only to you
and how we cannot be
I drift in this glorious yet unforgiving sea
Will my love forever be a secret
Will I always clutch my heart in regret
As I think of what could have been
The sights we would have seen
I want to be the shoulder on which you lean

It will never be reality

pity