We just had a brief talk today, we discuss how our day went and we laugh about silly jokes we throw at each other. This kind of conversation is something usual for us maybe because this is the nature of our job.

Then, suddenly we shifted into a much serious conversation, the casual tone of our voices has transformed into an intimate discourse. I love listening to your promising sweet thoughts, though I know those were just words written in the air.

I told you my disappointments and how I wanted to end this unlabeled relationship. I hate you and will keep repeating this until I no longer have to. However, it seems the words are just said for formality’s sake. Why I couldn’t keep the existing anger within? I know it is for real, I just felt it like a few days back or so. I know it is somewhere in the corner of my existence, maybe it was hidden beneath the luring compliments you use to tell me every time.

I have to pay a site visit to the heart, to check whether everything is still intact. I need to check where the root of the pain is, so I could determine the appropriate measure to solve this concerns.

But, after seeing you today, again the anger goes away!

It was replaced by overflowing elated excitements like I even ask permission to myself saying, “ Can I have a minute to hug him?”,

Again, I am becoming a stupid, irrational being.

I should keep the hate not the opposite emotion.  I think he has seen this coming and so he is confident that I won’t let go of this very annoying sensation. Maybe he is also taking advantage of my situation, but how can I end this? He already knows my weakness and he is my weakness.

An absurd creature! Can I cut my heart out and slice it into pieces? So I don’t have to deal with this foolish desires. I think I need help, badly need an intervention, how about a surgical procedure? My mind is too overwhelmed with several propositions.  But seems at the end, I am the only person who could make the right decision.

You called me today; I was a little surprised because I didn’t think that at some point of your daily routine you would remember me.

I ask you the reason for dialing my number and you said, “Nothing, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which urges me to call you”.

I don’t know if I should be happy with what I hear or I should be angry with the way you make me feel. It is relatively unfair as it seems that when you feel lonely you make use of me as a form of recreational activity.

So if you feel happy and glad, you forget about me.

You just don’t know how much I wanted to chat with you every day, wanted to tell you how I feel for you but I couldn’t as it is prohibited and I shouldn’t.

So I  patiently waited for the snatched time you have for me, but  I also asked myself, when am I supposed to deal with this kind of agony?

I hate you and the way you made me feel, I don’t know if you’re really serious or just enjoying this adventure.

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me? I couldn’t remember a time that I injured you so you can take this painful revenge against me.

When the only mistake I did was loving you though I know it is forbidden.

If you do genuinely care, please release me from this captivity.

I want to breathe normally and just be free

Have you ever notice the difference between the scent of a baby and a perfume?
Well, you could say that perfumes are a little bit costly especially when what you want is of high quality
While the distinct scent of a baby is everywhere, it is a fact that it can never be bought with the amount of money you got

To me, it is more than the expensive perfumes in store
It is a scent only possessed by cute little babies and maybe by someone you love so dearly
Yes, you heard it right, through someone closest to your heart, you get this exceptional kind of aromatic experience
I cannot elaborate the feeling but when someone is so special to you,
You tend to encode all the certain qualities this person has to your system

You will know when he is happy and when he is sad
You can certainly tell, when he is near, through his delightful smell
So even if you close your eyes, your nose will tell no lie

There is so much to tell with this kind of smell
It is full of innocence, so pure and real
It doesn’t come with a price or any kind of chemicals
It’s a distinct odor sniffed by the nose but felt by the craving heart

There was a time when I was in a crowded place, I didn’t think of anyone else
But all of a sudden, a very familiar scent lingers within my surroundings
Then I stop and remember someone from a distance
I look around, trying to verify if my senses are right
I know that was him, I couldn’t be wrong with what I feel

His scent is irresistible
It puts me into a trance and takes me to a world of guilty pleasures
It brings a sense of tranquility in this world full of cruelty
Whenever he holds me in his arms, I got the chance to sniff that addictive fragrance
I wish I could buy his scent in the store
So whenever I feel lonely I would just smell it once more

Absolute freedom does not exist.
Under a worldly condition, everything is controlled and measure.
It is only in my dreams that I can be who I want to be without any conditions

In my dreams, I am seeing you and me
I know in reality our circumstance is taboo
But can you blame me if my heart believes it’s not true?
I don’t know how it happened but I just suddenly feel something strange inside of me
The feeling is indescribable and undefinable
But why the heart understands the deepest connotation behind the unfathomable query of the mind?

It is a beautiful mystery I suppose
In my dreams, we display the other versions of ourselves
No titles, no conditions and no circumstances
What I feel in my dreams is the absolute freedom of being with you

I wish my dreams do come true
When? That’s a question which can never be answered by yes or no

All of us will die soon
Nobody is permanent in this world
It’s just a matter of time who’s going to leave this lovely place first
Most of the time, fate always comes with a lot of surprises
Today you saw a happy friend and the next day, you witness a mourning crowd

It always stabs me right to my chest
To witness heartbreaking parting ways of people
I can’t breathe whenever I look at the eyes of a broken person who's left behind sorrowful

At some point, I ask the universe, why people with the softest heart leaves us the earliest
And why those who did something mischievous lives longer

I met a friend who always remind me to enjoy every moment
Now, I think that statement must be true
Feel the moment while you still can
Be happy with the little penny you have in your pocket

True happiness doesn’t come with a price
It is a genuine feeling only felt by the heart
You don’t have to submit complicated requirements
Or present your appealing credentials written in your 10-page resume

Money, power, and honor feed the physical thirst of the world
A lot of people aim for these merits, thinking this is the ticket to reach the optimum contentment

I disagree with this claim
I am not rich but I am not poor
Didn’t even got the chance to be appointment in any position
But despite these inequities, I can say, I have felt the genuine happiness deep down to my soul
And I realize that contentment is the key to satisfaction

That’s why if given the chance to choose a status
I would prefer to live away from the noise
The best option would be to live in the mountains
To remind myself how fortunate I am to have experienced these opportunities

I would like to believe that when the time comes that it is my turn to leave
I will surely carry all the wonderful memories with me
So why should I aim for money, honor, and glory?
If I will be leaving them anyway?

As lonely as the night, that is how I feel tonight
I lay down early trying to ease down the melancholy inside of me
There are a lot of things running in my mind, plenty of worries that keeps bugging me as I close my eyes
I thought I'll be able to sleep tonight but then again, I feel this is another attempt for better luck next time

It's already 3 o'clock in the early morning, but why my heart doesn't stop mourning?
There are scenarios in my mind
Don't really know if they are there to calm me down or to frustrate me more

So I decided to take a pill
Hoping my sanity will prevail
I look at the watch and notice the time flies so fast.

Now, I am calling the Higher up
Praying for a rescue in this situation I am up to
Am I getting crazy? Or still at the state of lucidity?

I wish I could be like the nighthawk,
Agile in the dark
Despite the enveloping tenebrosity
It remains free

I've been into a tough and bumpy ride these days
Feels like I couldn't even breathe
The little things annoy me
Everyone seems to be very demanding and totally makes me insane

I kept on calling for divine intervention
I want to move forward but both my feet were dragged into the dark
My worries are consuming me
Little by little each day
As if I live to die

I feel I am lost
Seems I am eaten alive
Invisible worms cutting my flesh
That’s maybe the reason why I feel the heaviness in my chest

I need to cut it out

I thought of giving up

And then, I remember the people who loved me
The people who care for me
The person who looks after me discreetly
The Almighty who carries me into this journey

So I decided to take a pause from all these feelings of being lost
I give myself a break from all the anxieties
I shut down my connections and do something that makes my life worth living

And I realize, in a tough and bumpy ride
Never think of giving up
The angels in heaven are looking after you
When you stumble in the dark, never forget to raise your head up
Stop if you need to, pause if you have to
Our trip is not time constricted
Don’t rush and just take a little step forward

It’s been 4 am on the clock; I don’t know who woke me up
This has been my constant cycle for the past few months
Tossing and turning in my bed while remembering how my day went

Every time this happens I always have this feeling of missing you
I miss your touch; I miss your warm hugs and your kisses that make me mad
I miss everything about you
I always reminisce on those wonderful memories
When can I feel them again?

Seems I’m falling deeper and deeper each day
I hate this wonderful feeling, it is nice but it is not right
I always treasure those times when you gave me those warm and tight embrace
Didn’t you know your hugs blew my sadness away?
I don’t know what kind of spell you have in those arms
But every time you hug me I always feel secure and safe
And for a moment I forgot all the worries
Maybe you notice I am reluctant to your hugs but the truth is, to hug you is one of my longings
To cuddle with you so tight like there’s no tomorrow while whispering the words I love you, I miss you and I always waited for days to see you

Your kisses are the best, I totally got the message
It was intense like you haven’t kiss someone for ages
I got this kind of feeling that maybe you’re terribly missing me
I wish I could stay in that moment forever
I love it, really dying to have that sensation again


Your touch is the sweetest
I always feel ecstatic whenever you caress me
Honestly one of my yearnings is to sit in your lap and kiss you so deep until I forgot to breath
There's a lot of sensation I wish I could express
But they are destined to be stocked in my head
No way shall I lose my control
I need to keep my senses straight
This feeling is drowning me, it overflows like a river
It feels so good to be true
Maybe all of these are not true to you
But to me, these are the loveliest feelings I wish to keep
But must let go.

You have dumped me remember?
My memory says it happened in the first week of September
You always object whenever you hear me saying the word “dumped” but I couldn’t find a more suitable description of myself to you.

I have tried hard to avoid you because I know this is a journey without a definite destination.
But you persistently showed me your discreet love and persuasion
How can I ignore this wonderful feeling that carries me up to the air?
I remain hooked up in this foolish condition; I keep my communications with you for that’s what the heart tells me to do

I am at the peak of euphoric sensation when I have decided to entrust you my fragile perception
Then all of a sudden, you break the news that maybe we should take it slower
I couldn’t comprehend the words you said, though I have heard it very clearly
The heart protested so much and throws out a lot of questions
The mind rationally understands the circumstances; it is as simple as we are not meant for each other
But why the heart doesn’t listen? It still believes that someday, you will find your way back to me

In a couple of days, we didn’t talk the way we use too. I started hating you; I am feeling like a single use material which should be dumped after being used once. But then, I still tried to understand you.  As you said, I should take the situation from a different perspective. So I said, I think there is more to work on behind this rejection. I work as hard as I could just to forget the unfathomable pain of being cast out.

The days turn into weeks, I couldn’t run away to the fact that I need you for some formal reasons, so I call you and tried to act normal. Why behind those casual conversations, the heart feels something unusual. It seems that you are trying to tell me something in between those casual lines.

After a few weeks, you came to pay me a visit. Oh! How I would like to melt down to those very sweet smile, those very expressive eyes, tells me so much though you haven’t said anything yet. I couldn’t resist myself, seems my heart has displaced somewhere else inside my rib cage.

So one more time, I agreed to the status of being a single use person again. But, until when am I going to do this? I hate the fact that I love him. I don’t want to be a recycled paper again. I couldn’t figure out why I act ridiculously irrational when he looked me in the eye like he has opened the door to me so I can see his fragile soul. I love this soul, and I want to take care of it. But, like a single-use material, I have no right stay along into his journey.

I badly need to move on and end this cycle very soon.

I wonder how it feels to die
When you see no light at the end of the tunnel
When everything you see is darkness
Like there is no reason to live
No purpose to wake up each day
Like living to die while others are dying to live

My curiosity urges me to try
To feel the sensation of stopping the living from within
And where will I be seeing myself if the physical entity is left behind
Seems no one understands my pain

I was left with sorrowful melodies
But every time I think of these thoughts
The angels came to my rescue
Through the face of the people who showed me love without condition
Thank you, my dear angels,
You never leave me in the darkest period of my journey

Tell me about yourself, I want to know who you are

These are the statements I always find difficult to answer

For knowledge about the current trends and facts about the nature of life is an information which could be obtained through reading and studying

But the phenomenal occurrence of my existence has always been a mystery to me

I have reached the middle age but still, I am on the continuous process of knowing myself better
Who am I really? What are the things I like and the works that I would love to do?

Probably, I can get the answers right away but there are a lot of things untold about myself
Now, little by little I have known myself as a book reader, a writer, and a lover

These are the little traits I know about myself, a lot is still to uncover
But one thing is for sure, myself is the temple of my soul

Treat and love yourself right, and you’ll reap the wonderful fruits of sowing the seed of self-value

The master in you is just asleep, wake him up and soon you’ll be amazed how this hidden persona wipes out those miserable flaws

Everyone is perfect and has a purpose of living, the Almighty doesn’t commit mistakes
So stand up and let the world know who you are