We just had a brief talk today, we discuss how our day went and we laugh about silly jokes we throw at each other. This kind of conversation is something usual for us maybe because this is the nature of our job.

Then, suddenly we shifted into a much serious conversation, the casual tone of our voices has transformed into an intimate discourse. I love listening to your promising sweet thoughts, though I know those were just words written in the air.

I told you my disappointments and how I wanted to end this unlabeled relationship. I hate you and will keep repeating this until I no longer have to. However, it seems the words are just said for formality’s sake. Why I couldn’t keep the existing anger within? I know it is for real, I just felt it like a few days back or so. I know it is somewhere in the corner of my existence, maybe it was hidden beneath the luring compliments you use to tell me every time.

I have to pay a site visit to the heart, to check whether everything is still intact. I need to check where the root of the pain is, so I could determine the appropriate measure to solve this concerns.

But, after seeing you today, again the anger goes away!

It was replaced by overflowing elated excitements like I even ask permission to myself saying, “ Can I have a minute to hug him?”,

Again, I am becoming a stupid, irrational being.

I should keep the hate not the opposite emotion.  I think he has seen this coming and so he is confident that I won’t let go of this very annoying sensation. Maybe he is also taking advantage of my situation, but how can I end this? He already knows my weakness and he is my weakness.

An absurd creature! Can I cut my heart out and slice it into pieces? So I don’t have to deal with this foolish desires. I think I need help, badly need an intervention, how about a surgical procedure? My mind is too overwhelmed with several propositions.  But seems at the end, I am the only person who could make the right decision.

You called me today; I was a little surprised because I didn’t think that at some point of your daily routine you would remember me.

I ask you the reason for dialing my number and you said, “Nothing, I felt the butterflies in my stomach which urges me to call you”.

I don’t know if I should be happy with what I hear or I should be angry with the way you make me feel. It is relatively unfair as it seems that when you feel lonely you make use of me as a form of recreational activity.

So if you feel happy and glad, you forget about me.

You just don’t know how much I wanted to chat with you every day, wanted to tell you how I feel for you but I couldn’t as it is prohibited and I shouldn’t.

So I  patiently waited for the snatched time you have for me, but  I also asked myself, when am I supposed to deal with this kind of agony?

I hate you and the way you made me feel, I don’t know if you’re really serious or just enjoying this adventure.

Why are you doing this to me? Why are you hurting me? I couldn’t remember a time that I injured you so you can take this painful revenge against me.

When the only mistake I did was loving you though I know it is forbidden.

If you do genuinely care, please release me from this captivity.

I want to breathe normally and just be free

You have dumped me remember?
My memory says it happened in the first week of September
You always object whenever you hear me saying the word “dumped” but I couldn’t find a more suitable description of myself to you.

I have tried hard to avoid you because I know this is a journey without a definite destination.
But you persistently showed me your discreet love and persuasion
How can I ignore this wonderful feeling that carries me up to the air?
I remain hooked up in this foolish condition; I keep my communications with you for that’s what the heart tells me to do

I am at the peak of euphoric sensation when I have decided to entrust you my fragile perception
Then all of a sudden, you break the news that maybe we should take it slower
I couldn’t comprehend the words you said, though I have heard it very clearly
The heart protested so much and throws out a lot of questions
The mind rationally understands the circumstances; it is as simple as we are not meant for each other
But why the heart doesn’t listen? It still believes that someday, you will find your way back to me

In a couple of days, we didn’t talk the way we use too. I started hating you; I am feeling like a single use material which should be dumped after being used once. But then, I still tried to understand you.  As you said, I should take the situation from a different perspective. So I said, I think there is more to work on behind this rejection. I work as hard as I could just to forget the unfathomable pain of being cast out.

The days turn into weeks, I couldn’t run away to the fact that I need you for some formal reasons, so I call you and tried to act normal. Why behind those casual conversations, the heart feels something unusual. It seems that you are trying to tell me something in between those casual lines.

After a few weeks, you came to pay me a visit. Oh! How I would like to melt down to those very sweet smile, those very expressive eyes, tells me so much though you haven’t said anything yet. I couldn’t resist myself, seems my heart has displaced somewhere else inside my rib cage.

So one more time, I agreed to the status of being a single use person again. But, until when am I going to do this? I hate the fact that I love him. I don’t want to be a recycled paper again. I couldn’t figure out why I act ridiculously irrational when he looked me in the eye like he has opened the door to me so I can see his fragile soul. I love this soul, and I want to take care of it. But, like a single-use material, I have no right stay along into his journey.

I badly need to move on and end this cycle very soon.

As lonely as the night, that is how I feel tonight
I lay down early trying to ease down the melancholy inside of me
There are a lot of things running in my mind, plenty of worries that keeps bugging me as I close my eyes
I thought I'll be able to sleep tonight but then again, I feel this is another attempt for better luck next time

It's already 3 o'clock in the early morning, but why my heart doesn't stop mourning?
There are scenarios in my mind
Don't really know if they are there to calm me down or to frustrate me more

So I decided to take a pill
Hoping my sanity will prevail
I look at the watch and notice the time flies so fast.

Now, I am calling the Higher up
Praying for a rescue in this situation I am up to
Am I getting crazy? Or still at the state of lucidity?

I wish I could be like the nighthawk,
Agile in the dark
Despite the enveloping tenebrosity
It remains free

Absolute freedom does not exist.
Under a worldly condition, everything is controlled and measure.
It is only in my dreams that I can be who I want to be without any conditions

In my dreams, I am seeing you and me
I know in reality our circumstance is taboo
But can you blame me if my heart believes it’s not true?
I don’t know how it happened but I just suddenly feel something strange inside of me
The feeling is indescribable and undefinable
But why the heart understands the deepest connotation behind the unfathomable query of the mind?

It is a beautiful mystery I suppose
In my dreams, we display the other versions of ourselves
No titles, no conditions and no circumstances
What I feel in my dreams is the absolute freedom of being with you

I wish my dreams do come true
When? That’s a question which can never be answered by yes or no