Why?
Why can't people see the real me?
I try so hard to be the perfect person I can be.
Sure I'm young, quiet and shy.
But I'm such an amazing person, which many pass by.
Why?
Why can't people just take the time?
Just tell me your favorite thing to do and I'll tell you mine.
The people that do, I hold dear to my heart.
They see me as mysterious, sweet, funny and smart.
You can't expect me to open up the very first day.
It takes time, but trust me, I'll soon have a lot to say.
Why?
Why can't people wait and get to know the real me?
I bet you I'd be a much different person than you first did see.

I look in the mirror, 
What do I see? 
A broken girl gazes out at me. 
I'm not perfect , 
I will never be, 
The girl that people want me to be. 
I'm unique, 
Don't call me a geek, 
I sing, I draw, I like to speak. 
I see myself inside, 
The girl I always hide.
I need a friend, 
I want the pain to end.
Reflections lie, 
The girl inside dies.
Love me, 
I need peace. 
Help me, 
I need a friend

Once when I was little
I was happy and carefree.
I used to run around laughing
Until it was time for tea.

I used to play games
And smile all the time.
I used to feel on top of the world.
I used to feel fine.

It's amazing how things change
When people let you down.
And how that once happy face
Turns into a solemn frown.

You search and search
For someone who cares,
Anyone who understands,
Anyone who dares.

Loneliness, it hurts.
It kills you deep inside.
It makes you feel empty.
It stops you in your stride.

You cry yourself to sleep,
Hugging your pillow tight,
Wishing for someone
To hold you through the night.

Once when I was little
I was happy and carefree.
Now my life's full of sadness,
Pain and misery.

Once when I was little
I was never on my own.
But now I pray at night
"I wish I wasn't alone."

You only see
What you want to see,
Letting other things pass you blindly.

You only hear 
What you want to hear,
Ignoring the rest
Without thinking.

So how can you say
You know it's not true,
When so many things
Never get through?

But what if I somehow
Made you pay attention,
Told you all of the things you never heard?

Made you stop
And listen?

If I told you of all those times
I silently cried at night,
What if I told you of all the hurt
That painfully resides inside?

Would it reach your ears?
Would you really care?
Or would you still treat me
Like I'm not even there?

And what if I made you see
Everything you've missed?
Like the scars on my arms and legs 
But by you 
Get dismissed.

What if I showed you 
My heart slowly breaking,
Would you notice it's years in the making?

All of the tears
And all of the pain,
You never noticed.
No, you never hear.

Maybe it's time
That you realize
What's been going on
Right in front of your eyes.

Dear Anxiety,

When they ask me what I am afraid of,
I lie. 

I can never expose you, 
never tell the truth about you 
for fear of speaking you into existence. 
You are my punisher and my captor,
my tormentor, my torturer.
You are the little voice inside of my head 
telling me bad, bad things to do to myself,
things I can't talk about
for fear I'll forget who I am and turn into you.

You tell me we are one and the same, but I am not you.
I would never hurt a child the way you have hurt me.
I would never tell a young girl she is unlovable,
or fat,
or ugly,
or crazy,
or worthless.

I would never tell her to carve ugly, terrible words into her body,
to hold a flame to her skin,
until she has burned herself so badly that the pain goes out like a light
and her nerves are dead,
just like she should be.

I don't know why I listen to you
when you force me to my knees in front of the toilet.
When you send me running around the house in a panic,
searching in vain for a pencil sharpener I haven't already dismantled.
When you tell me the closest to love 
I will ever come is sending naked pictures of myself 
to disgusting hunters of young prey.

But I am not afraid of them. 
I am afraid of the shadows of my mind
Of the twisted and warped reality I am living in.

And I scream, because it is all in my head. 
I scream because none of it is real.
I scream because you are clawing your way up my throat, 
stealing my voice, gouging out my eyes, eating away at the lining of my stomach, 
turning my bones to jello and my hair to dust, 
destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying, destroying.

ENOUGH. 

I have had ENOUGH. I am not you. 
I never was. 
I never will be.
This is only a body, and you are only a feeling, and I will rise above.

I am above this, above you, above my thoughts, above it all.
And I will survive. 
And I will love me.
And I will not let go.

Sincerely, 
Amanda Faye Tate

Get dressed, love.
You're going to be late.
You look at yourself in the mirror,
The one you really hate.

Put it down, love.
It's caused you so much pain.
You're going to do damage.
You don't want to be called insane.

Stand up, love.
Your tears make you weak.
Wipe off that black mascara,
Proof of sadness upon your cheek.

Take your pills, love.
You must try your very best.
Forget about your dizzy spells,
The tightening in your chest.

Chin up, love.
No one can know your thoughts.
You must act like you're happy
While your heart just sits and rots.

Smile a little, love.
Let me see those pearly whites.
No one has to know
What you thought about all those nights.

Breathe for me, love.
Your pain won't be forever.
Take my hand, and I'll take yours.
We'll get through this together.

There's a cold dark corner
in the back of my room,
it speaks to me
and says I'm coming for you.

As I lie on my bed
in the fetal position,
my eyes are closed
hoping and wishing.

Maybe that one day
my dreams will come true,
that I don't have to be here
so down and blue.

The corner keeps talking
about how I'm going to die,
all I can do
is lie there and cry.

As the corner gets closer
and takes me in,
my soul starts to burn
as so does my skin.

My bones shall lie there
turning to dust,
my bed surrounding
nothing but rust