I swore to myself once that i would never experience heartbreak again
because for me heartbreak is not heartbreak
and i can know i also had normal heartbreak
mine feels like the death of a family member times 10
it grew like that, circumenstances led to that
no im here, you said youd be there
together we were everday
moments we shared without having to say
how we felt or what we thought
cause we felt happy ad full in eachothers arms
no better place to be
i want to close my eyes sink away in you and see
all your beauty
it plays and softly tickles my heart
when i come up there are your soft lift to kiss
they taste delicious, i want more
but the lips are not enough
i rip your clothes of and you mine
without a thought you push it inside
you push it so hard, you dont want it out, as if t has to hide
as deep as possible, i want more i want harder
then slap my ***, skracht my face
im not even able to think anymore at this point
stuck in a haze
in this moment of exactasy to see you contiuninung on ******* me
makes only able to seehe explosion  inside of me
full of lights and tingles and body fluids and dirtyness
what a bless
after that you alway stood up threw me toiletrol
like "fix it yourself"
i mastrubated sometimes eve more, so my soul came loose from its core
shaking inside of my body
i gently cleaned your parts with the same toiletrol
you come sit next to me, and we dont need to say anything, we can but its also okay to just be
i lay my head on your chest and for the first time in my life i fell asleep like that
totally happy and satifies looking out to the next morning where we could eat, talk and laugh with eachother
we  really loved one another
did we ever talk about what our ideal life would be like?
maybe it would be totally different or maybe  unbelievably the same
we could have worked through that life day by day
insteadof getting frustrated and putting blame
we all want to be happy, every person on this earth
havent you hearth, i never knew your ideal life, you never knew mine
you decided to start ghosting
and hosting
other girls, i was just a step in the pass of the walk that is your life
for me you were helping me survive
when i met you, you were so different than anybody ive ever met
i snapped out of depression , i wanted to only have fun with you
and fun we had, in every stupid small room, just the two of us
dancing or letting my head bleed, stiill laughing, together we always would land on our feet
like a cat
and then our story becomes sad
it didnt 'happen', we ccreated it
me and also you
there are things we did not do
and should have
and things we did
that we shouldnt
we alsno never talked about what annoyed us about the other
we never really commincated, god i wish you knew that 5 minutes can make
10 years of difference, maybe even more
its so important
its the core of every relationship
we were attached to the hip
knitting it off hurted, then you ran away laughing and free like i was causing you troble and bad luck
meanwhile you should have been gratefull that i love to **** your ****
also to lick it slowly and then hard
and thats how life goes, moments of peace, moments where everyone is happy and all is good
then something happen, the world shakes harder and harder, do you leave this world, is it the faut of the person your with
or do you stay and face the end, and see the beautiful expolosion
in motion
after that again there is serenity, life  cant alway be a simple walk, its hard
especialy relationships, its why i wish i would have been a better girlfriend
i wish i could have openen up more to love
cause in the realationship i already protect myself for the hurt
which came anyway when you decided to leave
we spoke we said slowly
but you ran, and never showed your face again
what was i supposed to do on four legs stiches in my hip, my best friend and lover gone
i was all alone
firtst thought was dying
but that seemed a bit much
there is nothing i can do than heal, unless you come back than i can show you more happiness than before
1000000000 x more i will be a better girfliend and be there for you
uluc
dont leave me, think about it
i genuinly love you, it is rare in this time to find
we would be blind not to try and give eachother a kiss
and a hug
i should tell more about my  inner world and make less sarcastic jokes
you should communicate more, about what to you is an eye sore
for example ***** plates
and i should clean more, be a bit more mowan for you, i can do that
and you should communcate how you feel, dont break up cause you want to **** someone else
we can always discuss that
only go when you are sure you dont love me anymore
im not sure about that so therefore
i am still here
say the words and im gone
but we could with a little effort make life 100000000 x better
and be actually happ with eachother
i want to come home in te evening lay agains you and smell your heavy smell
i want you to be happy i want to see that uluc smile, i  always did
i always cared wanted , you well
or should i have been a huge *****
would that have kept you longer
i dont care cause to me its stronger
the most strongest actually
its almost my religion
to be yourself always and anytime
**** what others think, if you can be yourself
you can be free
thats all i want to be, free, its who i am its me
excpt from you you can join in and belong
You can come home my tone come sing my song
It must get way more beautiful together than alone
And with practice we can get it  perfectly synchronized
I love you always
I want you in my life
I can forgive and forget
I hope you also can, cause ****, I acted like a crazy *****
But I am not you know this, ask anyone they know this
Almost opposite, I just was so shocked
And I hate loss, I didn't know how to survive without you next to me
When I wake up it is you I want to see or an empty spot you just charged up

I swore to myself once that i would never experience heartbreak again
because for me heartbreak is not heartbreak
and i can know i also had normal heartbreak
mine feels like the death of a family member times 10
it grew like that, circumenstances led to that
no im here, you said youd be there
together we were everday
moments we shared without having to say
how we felt or what we thought
cause we felt happy ad full in eachothers arms
no better place to be
i want to close my eyes sink away in you and see
all your beauty
it plays and softly tickles my heart
when i come up there are your soft lift to kiss
they taste delicious, i want more
but the lips are not enough
i rip your clothes of and you mine
without a thought you push it inside
you push it so hard, you dont want it out, as if t has to hide
as deep as possible, i want more i want harder
then slap my ***, skracht my face
im not even able to think anymore at this point
stuck in a haze
in this moment of exactasy to see you contiuninung on ******* me
makes only able to seehe explosion  inside of me
full of lights and tingles and body fluids and dirtyness
what a bless
after that you alway stood up threw me toiletrol
like "fix it yourself"
i mastrubated sometimes eve more, so my soul came loose from its core
shaking inside of my body
i gently cleaned your parts with the same toiletrol
you come sit next to me, and we dont need to say anything, we can but its also okay to just be
i lay my head on your chest and for the first time in my life i fell asleep like that
totally happy and satifies looking out to the next morning where we could eat, talk and laugh with eachother
we  really loved one another
did we ever talk about what our ideal life would be like?
maybe it would be totally different or maybe  unbelievably the same
we could have worked through that life day by day
insteadof getting frustrated and putting blame
we all want to be happy, every person on this earth
havent you hearth, i never knew your ideal life, you never knew mine
you decided to start ghosting
and hosting
other girls, i was just a step in the pass of the walk that is your life
for me you were helping me survive
when i met you, you were so different than anybody ive ever met
i snapped out of depression , i wanted to only have fun with you
and fun we had, in every stupid small room, just the two of us
dancing or letting my head bleed, stiill laughing, together we always would land on our feet
like a cat
and then our story becomes sad
it didnt 'happen', we ccreated it
me and also you
there are things we did not do
and should have
and things we did
that we shouldnt
we alsno never talked about what annoyed us about the other
we never really commincated, god i wish you knew that 5 minutes can make
10 years of difference, maybe even more
its so important
its the core of every relationship
we were attached to the hip
knitting it off hurted, then you ran away laughing and free like i was causing you troble and bad luck
meanwhile you should have been gratefull that i love to **** your ****
also to lick it slowly and then hard
and thats how life goes, moments of peace, moments where everyone is happy and all is good
then something happen, the world shakes harder and harder, do you leave this world, is it the faut of the person your with
or do you stay and face the end, and see the beautiful expolosion
in motion
after that again there is serenity, life  cant alway be a simple walk, its hard
especialy relationships, its why i wish i would have been a better girlfriend
i wish i could have openen up more to love
cause in the realationship i already protect myself for the hurt
which came anyway when you decided to leave
we spoke we said slowly
but you ran, and never showed your face again
what was i supposed to do on four legs stiches in my hip, my best friend and lover gone
i was all alone
firtst thought was dying
but that seemed a bit much
there is nothing i can do than heal, unless you come back than i can show you more happiness than before
1000000000 x more i will be a better girfliend and be there for you
uluc
dont leave me, think about it
i genuinly love you, it is rare in this time to find
we would be blind not to try and give eachother a kiss
and a hug
i should tell more about my  inner world and make less sarcastic jokes
you should communicate more, about what to you is an eye sore
for example ***** plates
and i should clean more, be a bit more mowan for you, i can do that
and you should communcate how you feel, dont break up cause you want to **** someone else
we can always discuss that
only go when you are sure you dont love me anymore
im not sure about that so therefore
i am still here
say the words and im gone
but we could with a little effort make life 100000000 x better
and be actually happ with eachother
i want to come home in te evening lay agains you and smell your heavy smell
i want you to be happy i want to see that uluc smile, i  always did
i always cared wanted , you well
or should i have been a huge *****
would that have kept you longer
i dont care cause to me its stronger
the most strongest actually
its almost my religion
to be yourself always and anytime
**** what others think, if you can be yourself
you can be free
thats all i want to be, free, its who i am its me
excpt from you you can join in and belong
you can come humm my tone come sing my song
it must get way more beautiful togeter than alone
and with practice we can get it  perfectly synchronized
i love you uluc
i want you in my life
i can forgive and forget
i hope you also can, cause **** i acted like a crazy *****
but i am not you know this, ask anyone they know this
almost opposite, i just was soshocked
and i hate loss, i didnt know how to survive without you next to me
when i wake up it is you i want to see or an empty spot you just charged up

Betrayal and hurt carelessness so brutal it cuts my bones an iron blade slowly putting me on my knees till I fall and never come back never the same the wound will heal, but there will be a scar vertically crossing my spine forever every time I see it it will remind me of the most difficult period in my life the moment I learned friends can betray people like to see you dwell, like to see you in pain well some do unfortunately for me you were one of them you hid it really **** well until you finally came out of your shell up for destruction wherever you could find it well from my knees I will In nights I hug Nelson, my dog, my everything,  absence of pain is already luck for me being home in myself is where I will be I don't need *** or a lot of psychical things I will just grow a pair of wings and when life gets too hard when the memories come up I will fly a bit higher up in a realm full op peace and serenquilitity where no one can see me free of this merciless earth a moment of rest until I have climb back, joint the fight, cause I will not hide I will help people who have suffered the same fate I did or something like it I hope that I can give them some comfort, make them calmly sit realise there is realise there is also beauty in life, but it is not found in guys, or excess drugs or means its in the flower floating down a stream, its in the smile on your dog's face when you come home how he whistles before his walk, so happy in his tilth oh so unaware of all the filth I want to protect him forever, so that he only experiences, good and love and gestures of selflessness luckily I am there for him, but who is there for me I'm alone in a filthy ocean, but I must continue, I must swim the reason is a bit unclear it might just be fear like everything falls back in fear of death in the end I try not the reason is a bit unclear, it might just be fear like everything falls back in fear of death in the end, I try not to think sink my feet in the sand, stare at the sun and sing as loud as I can to feel a little brighter a little happiness a little less messy.

Betrayal and hurt carelessness so brutal it cuts my bones an iron blade slowly putting me on my knees till I fall and never come back never the same the wound will heal, but there will be a scar vertically crossing my spine forever every time I see it it will remind me of the most difficult period in my life the moment I learned friends can betray people like to see you dwell, like to see you in pain well some do unfortunately for me you were one of them you hid it really **** well until you finally came out of your shell up for destruction wherever you could find it well from my knees I will In nights I hug Nelson, my dog, my everything,  absence of pain is already luck for me being home in myself is where I will be I don't need *** or a lot of psychical things I will just grow a pair of wings and when life gets too hard when the memories come up I will fly a bit higher up in a realm full op peace and serenquilitity where no one can see me free of this merciless earth a moment of rest until I have climb back, joint the fight, cause I will not hide I will help people who have suffered the same fate I did or something like it I hope that I can give them some comfort, make them calmly sit realise there is realise there is also beauty in life, but it is not found in guys, or excess drugs or means its in the flower floating down a stream, its in the smile on your dog's face when you come home how he whistles before his walk, so happy in his tilth oh so unaware of all the filth I want to protect him forever, so that he only experiences, good and love and gestures of selflessness luckily I am there for him, but who is there for me I'm alone in a filthy ocean, but I must continue, I must swim the reason is a bit unclear it might just be fear like everything falls back in fear of death in the end I try not the reason is a bit unclear, it might just be fear like everything falls back in fear of death in the end, I try not to think sink my feet in the sand, stare at the sun and sing as loud as I can to feel a little brighter a little happiness a little less messy.

thank you for meeting me
thank you for not just greeting me, get what you want and go away
thanks for the times where you stay
thanks for all the moments that you make me smile
even if it only lasts a while
mostly it lasts the whole time you are around me
because together i think we create positive energy
i like our chemistry
eventhough you are a lot younger than me and it will probably not work out in the long run
i am grateful for knowing you, and grateful for all the fun
thank you for hanging out with an old lady like me
thank you for being you, thank you that you can see
the real me
i think you are an awesome person, with a good soul
somehow when i am with you i feel whole
time passes quickly because it is so much fun being with you
I hope you feel this too
I dont know where it will go and i don't even care
i want you to enjoy your youth and not get stuck in a relationship so early
but i am grateful for every moment we share
you are the best, and deserve even more
I will be your friend and maybe your lover, even if it is just sometimes
while you explore the world and leave the shore
i like you [name], and the energy you bring into my life
maybe if i had not met you i wouldnt even have survived
i was in a really dark place before, it was getting better before i met you
But if i am really honest
meeting you helped a whole lot too
let's just see and enjoy eachother
why think about it, why even bother
when it feels good and things feel alright
thank you for being my light

I died tonight, died in my own web of lies
i told you i was free, hoped it was meant to be
but life does not work out that way
there are consequences to the things you say
i told you i was free, i told you i was there
when in fact i was having a scare
i did leave him, but i did not want to leave him for you
i did say goodbye, but i had to know it was good for me too
I had to break out of the safety bubble i was in
and i got out half, before it ****** me deep within
itself
and now i am stuck, right were i was before
without the prospect of you and with my heart feeling sore
I did it all myself, honestly
i am a bad person and karma won't treat me differently
because i think i can escape the rules that apply to everyone
what on earth have i become?
i saw you standing there , in the club, the fist night we met
tall, with dark eyes and dark hair
could feel your energy being good and fair
You resembled me a few years ago
wild and rebellious and free
everything i was trying not to be
anymore
because i ruined a big part of my life
by drinking and thinking i knew everything by taking drugs and being a *******
but the world could care less
i figured out i had to break out of the patterns
and last year i did, i was busy with university and got straight a's
before that fateful night when i met you there
i decided in september to become a square
It was working out for me
allthough suppressing my true self gave me an allergy
I suppressed myself, and got lost in feeling safe
i always knew i was somewhere inside, it was just me trying to behave
but you awoke something in me
you woke up the lion, who now wanted to break free
but he could not
for he was stuck, trying to be tamed by people and the world itself
so i pushed him back on the shelf
ignored how you make me feel
thought this was just in my brain and this could not be real
You are you and i like you
but to me you are also the symbol for everything i miss
you made me so confused that i could not see you
because i have to get through
on my own
find the balance between my true self and living in this mad world
Thank you for showing me what i miss in myself
for i can find it now, and take some of the lions courage
and walk away, from the situations that are not making me feel free
because being free is all that i want, and all i was ever meant to be.

an aversion
for every have need and should
what about want and could
when i want and i can, i want to do
when i need and i should i merely do
why is every human on this planet put in a cage
while they should run free and play
we are the most intelligent but also the most dumb
because we create our own prisons and blindly follow along
willingly we go inside, wait for our instructions and silently abide
we need to work to make money, we are imprented this should be our biggest goal
what about nurturing the soul?
what about love peace and harmony and happy souls
instead of rushing, stress and reaching goals
always wanting more, unfulfilled hearts creating greed
living forever with an aching need
what about compassion
instead of agression
what about love?

when i look into your eyes
my heart beats a 1000 times in 1 second
when i feel your hand in mine
or anywhere on my body
my cells explode in fireworks of extascy
and your beautiful smile is all i can see

when i hear the sound of your voice
my stomach pulls together  to let go immediatly
Letting go of all the butterflies, very silently
and while they fly away
all the useless, worrying thoughts rise up too
following the butterflies into nowhere
and all that is left is my blisfull mind wondering how it is fair?
for someone to carry a voice like yours
and silently i whisper to myself: 'heart please beware'

he consumed her mind
made her blind
for all the beauty in the world
were there used to be pearly thoughts
coming and going, like the sea or the air
healthy thoughts, thoughts with flair
now all there was inside was him
in the ocean in her mind he did swim
there was no way out
he was stuck there for a long time now
how? you ask
because he was a prisoner in her mind
but in reality he was her
and it was she who was making herself blind

she was just a girl, trying not to be
hiding from the world, forgoing to see
what was happening around her and what was real
she escaped in her own world, and tried to heal
from all the pain and all the trauma deep inside
taking pills, drinking herself to sleep
trying to think, but not too deep
she had peace there, in her own world
where the outside could not touch her
her bubble was strong
The years passed by, she was inside very long
Then he came along and put a needle in her balloon
he said, come out, i will see you soon
she trusted him and grasped for his hand
only to find out she had no foot on land
his hand was gone and so was he
now she is here, trying not to be
once again, anymore

She could have made friends
she could have seen lands
but instead she escaped in the comfort of her own mind
trying not to see, making herself blind
creating a big bubble, which was not really there
the real world and all the options were too much of a scare
she craves safety and comfort and care
But what she forgot was to share
share her feelings, share her thoughts, share her laughter, share her pain
she was living in vain
no one could come inside her bubble, as hard as they tried
when they came to close, she would start a fight
go away and leave me alone
i want to be in my own home
where i am safe and no one can hurt me
but now she is out, and she can see
the years that she has missed
the pain that she has caused
all the wonderful opportunities lost
it is unbearable to face reality
it is unbearable to be me

thrown away as garbage
like i am worth nothing
you just move on to another girl
and caused a whirl
a hurricane in my life
but instead of coming back to me and try to make it better
you choose to survive
without me
enjoy life, without me
you could care less
and just leave me here, like a mess

i am so sorry
for all the hurt that i have cost
i was a bad person
in my fear and confusion i got lost
i forgot myself and my morals
i did everything i would never do
just because i was in love with you

My mind shattered
My heart no longer in one piece
was this all worth it
just to get off of my leash
maybe it should have been a secret
a short affair
because how i shattered my life, it is hard to bear
i had it all, a loved one, a healthy mind
and now i am blind
blind for reality
because i was stuck in a fantasy
i gave up my whole life
my sense of well being
i hurt the person i loved so dear
because i would not listen to fear
which in this case could have been my aide
and for not listening i paid
a very big price
i lost everything
i was not wise, i was a fool
in love with someone who used me as a tool
forgetting the unconditional love i already had
if i can find the most suiting word, it's regret
i gave up my whole summer which i could have enjoyed
gave up my health, my honesty, my pride
and now all i can do is hide
hide from the pain
hide from the shame
pretend i am still the person i was
pretend i am still good and pure
but now there is a hole in my soul i can't ignore
i did it all myself, i deserve everything that came my way
and the person i was the past few months, she cannot stay
i despise her dishonesty and lack of morals
she was a witch
and for that, i am forever a *****

I created this image in my mind that was not you
I loved it, but this love was not true
it was an escape from the emptiness I was feeling inside
it was a barrier to hide
my true feelings of loneliness and despair
the real you and me get along fine
when we are together I can feel the sunshine
but when we are not you become a different character in my mind
and for reality I am blind
I want to be together, it's a dream that cannot be
because I am messed up again, and unable to see
dark thoughts have taken over my brain
and I listen to them with no restrain
because of this I messed up a love so pure
because of this I am completely unsure
of who I am and what life is
I am lost once again in the jungle in my head
unable to express all the things that should be said
blurting out all the darkness instead
I am not healthy, I am in pain
I have a deep sadness inside me that knows no shame
it has taken over my whole being, that can be full of joy
but is unable now, because my mind is aiming to destroy
every meaningful relationship that could be
because I can't be me

stuck in a situation I wanted out
I was so stuck I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout
but I just focussed on other stuff and kept my peace
until I met you and I got off my leash
which was very short and strangling me slowly to death
but all I did was make you upset
I was stuck in a dream with you
stuck on an island where it was only us two
but it was all in my mind
nothing was real
Now I am out in the real world
Having to find a way to deal
I need to find my peace, my clearness of mind
I need to see and not be blind
I need to take care of myself without him or the image of you
but in this area i am so blue
I need to feel strong being alone
I need to be able to find my own home
within myself, where I can be, forever and purely me