i think guns are a pandemic in america
but if every ******* has a gun except me
i figured, at minimum, i’d better learn
how to load one without killing myself
the instructor eyeballed my sandals
and said nope
then handed me crocs and a glock
he taught me what i needed to know
and after firing a hundred rounds
i can say that if you ***** with me
your right knee is going down

how do you tell time?
clock
calendar
school
TV shows
first times--
kiss
laid
driving
drinking
first love
last love
all the pointless jobs
timeline of the children
lifespan of the cats
initial failures of the body
fatal subtraction of loved ones
the creeping ugliness of the mirror

he was going 110 on his harley
smack into a guardrail
where he left his nose, upper lip and moustache
which they peeled off and took with him
here to the hospital, putting him next to a fella
whose girlfriend tried to shoot him, missed
then stabbed him and tried to bite off his thumb
and they're next to a guy who found out
that shooting yourself in the head
does not make for a pleasant morning

the showbiz failed in room 63
"you look like you don't like your job"
said mrs. patient
i laughed
"i love my job"
"you don't look like you love your job"
"this job is great"
"i don't believe you
if your job involves other people
you should get another job"
i laughed again
"i will consider it!"

when politics is pure circus
the clown becomes ringmaster
merrily grabbing voters by the *****
it's the dancing elephant in the room

last day before vacation
so you know you gotta pay
an hour left on my shift
the patient was going full linda blair
arched pelvis grinding out of the bed
trying to pummel one and all
but when i came in the room
i triggered something special
YOU ****
i thought her head was gonna spin completely around
she punched me
people straining to hold her back
as she desperately snapped, trying to get a bite of me
GET OUT
GET THE **** OUT OF THE ROOM
as i got the **** out of the room
i explained to the nurses and doctors
i often have this effect on women

vacation
out of sight, out of my mind
when i return after a week off
and i enter the hospital where i work
i say oh yeah, this