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Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
I'm in love with the ghost of you
So in love
I'd rather love your shadow
Than love you
I'd rather love
The memory of your face
The smile imprinted in my head
The dreams I have of you
Late at night
The thought of your touch
The recollection of your voice
I'm in love with the reminiscence of you
The nolstagia
Reliving every moment
Day dreaming of what could have been
You're a calendar of thoughts to me
Of memoirs
You're a voice from the past
You're a vow unfulfilled
A regular flash from the past
A hallucination
A ruse
A fairly tale
It's like we never happened
I'm in love with the delusion you
Every day discovering the non existing parts
Of you
And I'd rather love the myth of the man
Than love you
You were so toxic
In my fantasy,  
You are not
I'm in love with the ghost of you
For it is perfect
Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
I want to perform
self surgery
Open this heart up
See
what's really bothering it
Brain surgery
Remove these thoughts
stuck in my head
Get to the bottom of this
Eliminate the pain
The memories
The anxiety
Surgically
Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
Darkness
It's everywhere
When I close my eyes
And when I open my eyes
It's in my mind
It clutters my soul
It's in my heart
It's in my head
It's everywhere
I can't escape it
Nor can I contain it
It smothers me
It controls me
I see it
I feel it
Everywhere
It leads the way
But I can't see
Anything
Or anyone
I can only hear
Here and there
It's so dark
Everywhere
I can't see
Can't see where I'm going
Or where I come from
I see darkness
I see nothing
Everywhere
Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
There's always a bit of hope
And then it's gone
Every time there's hope,
It gets taken away
By reality
Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
I could water the forest
with my eyes
I could drown the ocean
with my tears
I could move the mountain
with my heart
I could summon the wolves
with my weep
I could cause a tornado
with my breathing
I could die
from sadness
Nikita Tshawe Aug 2022
My pillow.
It's wet with grief and sorrow.
Tears from the night before.
Eyes swollen and sore.


My pillow knows no drought.
Cry myself to sleep without a doubt.
My pillow knows no happy tears,
Only weeping prayers.


My pillow has absorbed an entire ocean.
Every last emotion,
Flows from my heart to my pillow.
No one will ever know, except my pillow.
Nikita Tshawe Jun 2022
Hey baby girl.
You are so beautiful.
Your smile is striking.
I wish you believed it more.
I wish you smiled more.
Your body is perfect, trust me.
Your flaws, they are flawless.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry, I failed us.
Our hopes.
Our dreams.
It was that low self-esteem, you see.
That poor self confidence.
We thought we'd grow out of it.
Truth is, we never really did.
And it's part of the reason we didn't make it.
Not to where we thought we would anyways.
But I want you to know that, it's okay.
Your girl is still trying.
Still fighting.
We will get there.
We still have time.
I was scrolling through our old pictures,
When we thought we still had all the time in the world.
We had everything we needed right there and then.
But somehow, we ended up here.
Well everything happens for a reason right?
I'm just really sorry.
I wish you knew what we know now.
The value of time.
The time value of money.
I wish we made better decisions.
I wish we prayed more.
I wish we knew just how powerful our mind was.
I wish we had better control over our emotions and our thoughts.
I wish we over came our deepest fears.
But it's not the end.
We are still breathing.
So there's still a chance.
A lot of time has lapsed.
We have lost people we thought would be there forever.
I just wish, when you were going through all of it, I was there to hold you.
To tell you to let go of things and people that don't serve you.
To protect your energy.
To never dwell on your mistakes.
And tell you that in a few years, the pain will be better.
Not gone, just better.
It doesn't ever go away, you see.
We can't forget the experiences that really changed us.
And we can't turn back the time we have lost.
But if I was there back then, I'd tell you that it doesn't really matter.
That there's so much more to come.
So much more to learn.
So much more to live for.
I wish you'd have known just how special you were.
I wish you'd have trusted your instincts better.
Listened to that small voice from within.
Hey, maybe that was me all along!
Your older and wiser higher self.
Who knows?
I wish I taught you how to love yourself better.
Appreciate yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And go after your wildest dreams.
That you are the ultimate prize.
You are a force to be reckoned with.
You are a queen.
You are your greatest weapon.
You are your own super hero.
Well, like I said.
It's never too late.
We will get there.
Slowly but surely.

Love,
Older and wiser me.
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