I know that I have lost you, forever.
Although, I never truly had you.
I can feel that you're really gone.
You don't appear in my dreams anymore.
We don't talk like we used to.
It's silly.
I feel stupid for loving you unintentionally.
I lost myself in your gaze.
In your eyes.
God, your eyes.
What kills me is the false hope I still have and still hold on to.
That I can't seem to let go of.
I know that you will never love me,
Or see me the way I that I do.
I feel stuck between wanting you to be happy,
And wanting to be your happiness.
I can't have both.
You don't see happiness with me.
You never will.
It kills me.
I don't know how to set you free.
I am struggling.
Thoughts of you ******* me at night,
In the morning when I wake up.
I am addicted to imagining a perfect future with you.
One where we are so happy.
And you have chosen me.
My mind spirals and I lose myself in this illusion of you and I.
I snap out of it when I remember, that you love someone else.
I picture you and her together instead,
And somehow, you seem happier.
And I break down.
"Why does he not love me?"
"What is wrong with me?"
"Why am I not enough?"
"I wish I was her."
I slide back into the illusion hours later, and repeat the cycle over, and over,
And over again.
I don't know what to do anymore.
How to make it stop.
I feel sick.
I need medication to get you out of my system.
I am battling to set you free.
I pray to God,  to give me back my strength so that I can set you free.
These emotions worsen.
I don't know how to let you go.
I have spent so many months admiring you.
I can't figure out, what I am lacking so badly within myself, to feel this way about you.
Something must be wrong with me.
Maybe lack of self love.
I don't know.
I just know that it hurts.
And I would do anything for it to stop hurting.
It was never my intention to obsess over you.
I saw a potential life partner, and I wanted to love you.
For a while, I thought you felt the same way too.
I don't know if it was all in my head.
I don't know if it's possible to be so delusional.
I struggle to believe that.
I know what I saw, and what I felt every time we locked eyes.
All the moments we shared.
The way that you looked at me,
talked to me.
I may never know.
I just want us to both be free.
I want you to be happy.
I want to find happiness too.
Even if it means letting you go.

Everyday, I mourn.
The birds still sing and yet, I don't hear them.
Lost inside my head with thoughts of you from dusk until dawn.
My heart bleeding from its stem.

Everyday, I weep.
Tormented by the memories of your fine face.
My love for you runs deep.
Thoughts of you are like a warm embrace.

Lifts my spirits when I am sad and alone.
Makes my heart sing and dance.
Until I am reminded, you don't love me and your heart is stone.
This is just another unrequited romance.

I go back to mourning for you and me.
I mourn a love that never was.
A love that will never be.
I mourn the girl I was, before we ever laid eyes.

no one is coming
to save me
but that's okay
because
i am coming
to save me

wallowing in self hate
swallowing mine own tears
sadness over mine own fate
madness from mine own fears

chained by mine own anxiety
claimed by the arms of melancholy
tossing and turning to grasp mine own identity
crossing and burning bridges cowardly

this life shows no bearing
this strife feels like God's mistake
surely, suffering should see ending
purely, i wish to be unawake

i would run up to the depths of the earth
i should then be alas free
maybe, a gun to mine own head shall reverse the date of mine own birth
lately, when i call upon the Lord, He does not hear me

All I ever wanted was for someone to listen
I wanted someone to pay attention
To tell me things would get better
And that happiness would last forever
I wanted someone to give me advice
All about my life to notice
I wanted someone to understand
To support and lend me a hand
I wanted someone who'd never leave me alone
To know me from deep inside my bone
I wanted someone to love me
As far as the end of the galaxy
I wanted someone to treat me with respect
To make me feel a little perfect
I wanted someone to make me feel special
And to not make my life seem so small
I wanted someone to wipe away all of my tears
Helping me get over my fears
I wanted someone to be my friend
To always bring my misery to an end

I feel lonely.
But not only that,
I also feel sad.

I feel anxious.
But not only that,
I also feel extremely overwhelmed.

I feel exhausted.
But not only that,
I also feel very hopeless.

I feel like dying.
But not only that,
I really want to **** myself.

There is freedom in isolation,
in being idle and invisible,
where one could sit in muteness,
swim widely in dusk and ask,
"Am I really here,
if no one is around to see?"
A different kind of suicide

There is pleasure in being a shadow,
in pretending you don't exist,
to avoid acting like you do

Solitude isn't a time for me
to let myself free
but rather a time to free myself
from who I am

Outside the confinement of company,
I am anyone and anything,
I am someone else, somewhere else
I am alive,
but I am no one
I am alone

a.r.