Not in my entire life have I ever met anyone like Jesus,

Even the worst ' Slob ' in the world, may take it upon himself,

to amble down to the park, with yesterdays stale bread,

to feed the pigeons.


Jesus had one redeeming feature, aggression, he was aggressive when drunk.

Whenever he forgot his house keys,he'd kick in the glass entrance front door.

Maybe that's why he stopped drinking,

It cost a fortune, on new Front doors.


We met regularly in the ' barrio ' and his mantra was always the same,

" La Playa, La Playa".... are you going to the beach, Lucia always made

the customary laugh. It became a standing joke between my wife and I.

He said it  to me one day, as usual , because he assumed as I'm White Irish,

that's where I should be.

  I said " Not today Jesus, as it's Christmas eve," the Russian hat and scarf

should have  alerted him to the fact , that it was now  winter.


  Jesus died before Lucia.

I didn't like to ask her,   " How did you know he was dead " ?

maybe it was the smell in the apartment, as it was in mid July.

I made the mistake one day of asking her,

   " Did she miss him"

Her reply,... " Who" ?

  By Holly Barrett

Frankenstein  was out of his mind with worry,

and he had a pain in somebody's head.


Burke and Hare,  second hand  body parts dealers,

" WE do all the ***** work , digging out the right parts,

   to get you back on the road "


Christiaan Bernard, , on his worst  Junior Doctor ever,

  " I hadn't the heart to fire him "



German cannibal, Armin Meiwes, claims he has done nothing wrong,

  " I just love people "  he said, with a smile.

Later he was barred from a local restaurant ,

after he complained  to the Chef, " The steak was

burnt black, and tasted like a Pakistani's  **** "


By Holly Barrett

" 99% of the time Anti-Biotics work well for 99%  of the population,

but because of your condition, they didn't " so said the Doctor,

" your body is so, so sensitive,  he laughed,

"It's like a Swiss Watch "  Ha,  Ha Ha,,

"Yeah, Well, somebody  must have left the Watch up the mountain,

and forgot to wind it  "  I said,



Later at the  Opticians,  " Well normally , Mr. Barrett you have 20/20 vision,

She said,  " but for some strange reason , today that is not the case,

you normally have  'Pilots  Vision '  20/20 "..

I just wondered  what  Pilot she had in mind,


Captain Smith of the Titanic or  the one in German Wings,

who thought of taking  a short cut, through the mountain.

The Dentist was the last stop of the day,

and I wish, i hadn't stopped.



" Normally  teeth don't fall out, onto the Dinner plate "

" You were lucky to have spotted it and not swallowed it, again "

He said with a big laugh,   " It  .nearly broke one of the other ones,

that's how i Spotted it "... I said forlornly., as i crunched *******  it .



" It could very well be, the onset of Diabetes," he  said,

It could very well be the onset of  'Bad workmanship ' I thought,

as it was you, who  put the **** thing in only a year ago.



As the day was going so splendid for me, I decided  to wait,

until the Wife's funeral was over, in case,

t'was me they decided to call.


  By Holly Barrett