What do I do,
While sitting next to you,
And my eyes slowly trace your lips.

How do I speak,
For this week after week,
When you stay outside my grips

How do you see,
Stupid little old me,
clumsily covering my feelings for you.

Because when I see your smile,
And my mind runs a mile,
I'm just not sure what to do.

Im not the one you want,
I dont think you mean to taunt,
It just hurts that you arent with me..

Depression is a *****,
She leaves you in a stitch,
Wondering why you're sad and why you're stuck down in a ditch

**** I meant a rut,
Gheez is she a ****,
Looking in the mirror got me feeling like a mut,

I couldn't see it clearer,
I hope she loves me dearer,
Such an intoxicating smell, this addictions why I fear her.

I'm sorry I missed my chance,
It was all too fresh,
The only thing fresh nows regret,
It's a shame we had to change stance.

I got burnt twice,
Both I chose,
To be with
And be without.

I'm waiting for a change,
When it comes back round,
Maybe it never will.

I've dealt with it all before,
But it's still so raw.

How do I start,
What words do I use?

Can I say love?

But what does that mean,
Trust beyond doubt,
Something I never knew about,
Until it came to you.

Is this all one big crush?

But I don't judge you superficially,
Your beautiful but that's not all,
But maybe it's why I wanted you initially.

I have no words for you,
You aren't perfect,
And no matter how much you say,
You aren't always correct.

But you're always on my mind,
Because the right words I can't find.

You're my conundrum.

I've fallen from grace,
I'm not in the right head space,
Too long I've been falling apart,
Don't even know where to start,
I can only tell you part by part.

Let's start with this,
I can't stand being sober,
I wish I could start it over,
It's not something I'd miss,
The sweet moments of bliss.

The most confusing year of my life just passed,
I drowned the downers with uppers,
And when it was on the up I was the downer.

Just another reason to forget.

There's so much pain,
In all of us.

I'll give you a gift,
I'll get rid of some of it,
Starting with me.

I guess I missed it,
The only chance I had.

Now I'm stuck in a pit.

I hope you and him live happily,
But our memories I'll always keep.

I keep waking up wanting to go back to sleep,
The dreams are no better,
Your on my mind always
But life passes quicker this way.

I've been searching for anything to fill this hole in my chest,
Now's the time to move on to the next,
But i can't.

Depressions my mistress now,
I go to her when no ones there,
Her arms wrapped around me,
Tight.

With a single look,
You took my breath away
But it didn't work,
I'm still breathing

Nothing helps,
I want to die.
Maybe it's time for goodbye.

She's the best. She deserves better than this *******. So let her go.

Life doesn't work like that,
And I don't work like that.
She's my angel, that will never change.

It's a thing you never witnessed,
You're independent, it's all you knew.
After all, it's all you've seen,
Could we have worked? Always.

And if you ever decided you wanted it again,
I'll want it too.
In fact. I want you to.

I'm crying my eyes out,
And it's worse that I know why
But I don't have anyone to dry my eyes.

Everything today has shown me,
Everything I needed to see.

I didn't message the same,
I wanted YOU to ask why,
I wanted YOU to care.
You didn't.

I showed HIM how I felt,
I told HIM I was ready for death,
I just wanted HIM to answer.
He didn't.

I tried to be happy,
I watched my favourite things,
I ate my favourite food.
It didn't work.

Maybe I should end it,
Nothing ever works,
Not the way I want it to.

It's so easy for everyone else,
To just "move on"
So why can't I do the same.

Forever stuck on the same problem,
Always faithful to the same people,
It's too much.

Everything is too much,
Maybe you'll be able to "move on"
When I'm gone.

I'm hardly afloat,
All I can feel
And all I can touch,
Is the water.

But I'm starting to get a sinking feeling,
My wind leaves my lungs
As you tighten your grasp.

My heart is what's weighing me down,
An anchor tied to me,
To drag me to the watery depths.

As the sunlight fades,
And as darkness unsues,
I'm surrounded by a complete sea of blue.

What used to be my flotation device,
Is what drags me down.

I'll give you nothing but support,
I'll show you nothing but love.

I'll give you nothing but my all,
I'll show you nothing but devotion.

I'll take all of the bad,
And wait for all of the good.

Wait...

What happens if that's not enough.

Wait...

What happens if it's me.

Wait...

What happens if he's better.

Wait...

What happens if you change.

Wait...

What happens if you want a fresh start.

Stop. Don't over think.

Wait...

It's too late for that.

I grind my teeth when I sleep,
Not because it's a habit,
Or because I sleep 'funny'.
It's because when I sleep
And retreat into my imagination,
Everything I have locked away
Comes out to play.

So when I sleep,
You're there again...alive,
But I have to watch it all again,
I have to relive that pain.

So when I sleep,
She isn't here anymore.
She's with him
And she's finally happy.

When I sleep,
I'm slowly dying,
The pain unbelievable
And impossible to describe.

I don't wake up screaming,
Or writhe about when I sleep,
But I grind my teeth,
I wake up in pain.
You can call them nightmares I guess.
But they're my night terrors.

Nothing I do is right,
Even when I write,
This black ink
Corrupts the white paper.

My eyes glazed over,
Words fly like bullets,
But I don't feel them.

The artillery raining down around me,
But all I see is...nothing and...all of it,
It's hard to explain.

My minds jumbled,
I know something isn't right,
But I can't break this.
My 1000 yard stare.

It's scary,
The more I think about it,
The more it makes sense.
Maybe it is the only way out.
Maybe.

My mind is screaming at me,
As my eyes overflow with tears,
All alone in my dark room,
Music the only sound prevailing.

Maybe it's time I give in,
It isn't about having the strength to do it anymore,
It's about having strength to carry on.

But I've always been weak.

I
Wait for Another Negative Thought
To Overpower me
but Does It Even matter?

But I can't stop thinking that,
I just...

Maybe that message,
Is the last one we'll ever send,
Maybe them last words,
Are the last we'll ever see.

Because these hours alone,
Thinking more than I should,
Unable to stop,
Will be the end of me

What would you do if you knew,
That when you left,
I stop.

I stop being the confident one you love,
I stop being the happy guy you know,
I stop being a good person.

I guess we'll never know.
Because I'd never admit that,
I'm too proud,
I want to be perfect,
So when I'm alone,
Everything breaks down,
My mask,
My fake smile,
My confidence.
Me.

I wish I was in a picture,
Because that version of me is happy,
He's similing.

I wish that I was in a picture,
Because that version of me has no future,
He's care free.

I wish I was in a picture,
Because that version of me isn't scared,
He's confident.

I wish I was in a picture,
Because that version of me isn't insecure,
He has no worries.

I wish I was in a picture,
I wish I lived in one moment forever,
Rather than having my sadness,
Rather than having my worries,
Rather than having my fear,
Rather than having my insecurity.

You'd prefer me like that too.
Maybe I could feel like I was enough then.

This could be my world,
Your garden full of dandelions,
The bushes, closing us off.
So only planes can see us from above.

This could be my world,
Your bed full of comforts,
The blankets, wrapping us up.
So only I can hear your whispers.

This could be my world,
Your heart full of love,
Your words trapping me.
So only I can feel this feeling.

You could be my world.

My greatest fear,
An awkward silence.

Separation.
Discomfort.
Insecurity.
I don't want any of it.

So why don't I reply?
I just fake a laugh,
And bask in the pain,
Of my awkward silence.

I always worry about "destiny"
What's inside the crystal ball,
Imaging it's all set out for me,
So I'm not responsible for it all.

It means I can escape this guilt,
The one that never leaves,
It's how these negative thoughts are built,
Why the better part of me grieves.

It means that we aren't truly free,
It means that we aren't in control,
But I always question. Would I want to be?
If I was, would it make me feel whole?

Maybe its best I have Destiny,
Because I need something to guide Me.

You left me.

I asked you never to leave
But your eyes said it all,
Lifeless, literally.
I was there when they got drained.
The vet with the needle.
Me, grabbing at tufts of hair.
The whimpers as you slumped down.

And my tears,
They're still here 7 months later,
Just like I promised.

I'm scared of trying my best,
Because of my constant fear of failure,
They tell me to try harder,
Push more.
But what if I gave it my all?

It hurts so much more,
When I have people cheering me on,
Believing in me.
When failure finally comes.

The cheers are empty,
The faith is a distant memory,
They tell me I'll do better next time,
Giving me their empty adjectives.
Like it makes me feel better.

It's a hard life
When you hope for the stars,
But can't even touch the moon.

Just used as a step for others to get a better view.

Did you think it was fake?
Did you think I was joking?
The **** I used to say to you
You pushed it away,
Set me straight,
And for once I wasnt helpless.

But I feel like I'm fighting it by myself now
You don't have time for this **** anymore.

Everyone has their own demons,
And nobody has time for mine.
I'm behind closed doors
******* holding a rope and a nine
Or I wished that I was.
And if you're reading this online
I'm still here,
A coward
If you're reading this on my phone
It's because I wanted you to see
I scream for help but nobody's listening.

If you're reading this on a note,
It's too late.
****.
I'm sorry.

Am I less masculine now?
Now that I write poems.

Am I less of a man now?
Now that I show my feelings.

Am I feminine now?
Now that I have emotions.

I think not,
Why do others disagree?

In our messages I send you yellow hearts,
Is it because they remind me of the warmth of the sun?
Or is it to remind you we'll never be done?
If I were to explain, I wouldn't know where to start,
Honestly I only know why in part.
It could be because I feel like you're the one,
That our journey has only just begun,
Maybe it's just because it sets them apart.

I think the answer is more subtle,
It's that you're the perfect one for me,
That one day I see us together in a chapel,
And that every day you become more beautiful,
That you've always been the one to set me free.
It's all of it, because every moment with you is blissful

Am I paranoid? Maybe.
I've always been one to stay up at night,
Lay awake in my bed with no light.

My mind races,
It's why I don't sleep,
The bags under my eyes tell the story.

I always keep someone up with me,
Because I don't want to be alone,
I'm scared enough of that already.

I'm not scared of losing all my friends,
I always have family to rely on,
But there's one thought that always plagues me.

I don't want to lose the one I care about most,
The heart that beats alongside mine,
Because without it. I'll turn into a ghost.

I want to write about dandelions,
Covering the side of the road,
Making the city a meadow.
So why does my pen always write about pain,
Why do I only think about sad moments.

I want to write about the sun shining,
My skin soaking it up,
Warming my soul.
So why do I always think of sad memories,
Why do tears spring to my eyes.

I want to write about love,
How I finally feel whole,
Complete at last.
So why do I only write about it all ending,
Why do I wait for my death.

I want to write about the good,
So why do I only see the bad?
Why can't I let myself be happy?

I leave a bit of my soul in every month,
It's sad but it's honest,
But I've got nothing left to give.
April took it all.

I've never had faith in the human race,
I've stayed up so many late nights in heated debates,
Arguing about the meaning of life.
My thoughts. There isn't one.
That's the reason I come so close every time I try,
The knife in my room pressed to my skin,
I try but don't have the strength to drag it.
I don't want it to be superficial, if I make the cut there's no going back,
But my will is softer than my tissue.

I wish I believed in God,
I wish he could give my life meaning,
Because I need a miracle to make it out this year.
Even if he exists and is looking down on me now,
Even if everyone I knew is rooting for me from above,
I don't deserve my spot there.

The only thing that keeps me going,
Is that somewhere out there, there's a name written in the stars
And I hope it's yours.

The only thing keeping a hopeless romantic alive.
Love.

I put you as my lock screen when you died,
I see you every time I press that button,
I never wanted you to leave my side.

Maybe that's why I don't answer the phone,
Maybe that's why I don't text them back.
It's definitely why I feel alone.

You're the reason that I don't have energy,
You're the reason I'm always sad,
You're the reason it's still affecting me.

I don't sleep during the night,
People notice the bags
But they don't see my baggage,
They don't see you behind my tired eyes.
But I see you in everything I do.