Living like there is always tomorrow
Oblivious
Its too heavy a crown to carry
Death
Easier to ignore the downfall
Inevitable

But I cant let you go
Not you
My anchor
My solace
My hopes
My soul
Silly right?
The little girl in me never grew up
Dad you are my peace
My role model
My whole heart
My balance

Somehow it seems trivial
Having to go through life without you
Even though I have kids of my own
I cant let you go

I will shatter once you go
I will never be whole again
It will pass?
I will pass through life oblivious, anxious, hollow

I dont think Ive ever told you
How much you mean to me
Just knowing you exist in this rotten world
Turns everything into colour

I cant let you go

Ive walked through life
Ive had people come and go
Many have weaved their stories with mine
Many have passed uneventful
Most have been retched
Of all those people,
I never came across anyone like you
A heart of gold
Pure
Strong
Balanced
Supportive
Moral
Caring
Deep

I take a plunge
The world shuts down
The mind goes quiet

I take a plunge
I am the ocean
Waves of pleasure
Build steadily
Release rhythmically

My eyes drown
Into yours
Tragically feeble
Yet
They want to drown
Deeper
Into the abyss
Into the unknown
Into the darkness
To bathe in what could be
In endless desire
In the unspeakable
the unfathomable

Drowning further
Barely breathing
Panting
Racing
There, when you can't hold it
There, between death and the living
There we meet

I take a plunge
I am the ocean
You take a plunge
We are one

The streets are empty
The crowds have taken shelter
A soft chill lands on your skin
Quiet sounds fill the air

Paris in all its majesty
Has fallen asleep

After taking in the Tour Eiffel
The Notre Dame
The seine
The food
The lines
The louvres

I settle into my bed
Unsettled

Paris is sleeping
Yet you are awake
In my mind
On my skin
At the tip of my tongue

You dance around with the words in your mouth
You don’t actually dance
They roll around your tongue
Like melted icecream lingering
You dance around with the words in your mouth
Yet you do not dance
Like a bee sipping the nectar from a new blossom
Words wedding words
Are we waiting for the vows?

To the boy who’s fixated blue

To the north pole
Void of Santas warmth
Cold blue ice
Yearning for elves
Frozen white snow
Aching for magic

To the boy who’s fixated blue

Fairytale dust I sprinkle unto you

Your finger reached out to trace my skin
Places others have never been
People bowed and faded
In reverence to this sacred mass

There, time did not exist
Rules did not make sense
My senses could not resist
A passage way into a trance

Snap out of it
Soul back to body
Body back to the world
People and sounds emerged

As we found ourselves
Sitting in the midst of a crowd
Sipping drinks
Losing ourselves

Gaping souls
And
Plundered holes
Excuse me!
You’re standing in my way

Wounds touched softly –
Caressed

Scars scrutinized slowly -
Undressed

If I am the vast ocean then you are the shore
Cleansing my insides with every tide
Unlocking hidden treasures
Long forgotten
And stories Untold

If I am the maze then you are the quest
To unravel and Unfold

If I am the dancer then you are the music
The ebb and the flow

If I am infinity then you are the universe
The charge and the glow

Wounds worshiped
Scars Adored
Undressed

I have this image
Lingering on my mind

I have this sensation
Wetting my insides

Your hand between my legs
Still, not moving

What was your hand doing there?
Checking for my vital signs?
Did you feel it throbbing?

Then you retract
The images linger on
An ache
A hunger
A buzz

I have this image
Developing in my mind

An ache to be ****** senselessly
An insatiable hunger to be taken from behind
Skirt lifted
Bent over the table
Exposed
******* dropped half way

Quite a sight
Still
Left there
Wanting for more

If I could bury you
Beneath the rubble,
Below the garbage,
Underneath the filth,
Close to the walls of hell

I'd bury you alive

If I could bury you
Turn you into a distant memory,
Into an insignificant written page,
Torn and turned to ashes,
Close to the edge of nothingness

I'd bury you alive

But
I have to deal with you
I still have to deal with you
You still show up uninvited
An entitled guest
In my show of life

I still have to look at you
And smile
I have to muster all my courage
Remind myself that evil comes
Shaped in sheep's clothing

I have to build walls so high
That Jack and the beans stock
Cannot reach
So strong that they survive tsunamis

I still have to smell you
and your rotten nonsense
I still have to hear you
and you ephemeral words

If I could bury you
I'd bury you alive
Alongside my walls and defenses

So that I may no longer
Speak any Evil
Hear any Evil
See any Evil
And well
Smell any Evil

A penny for your thoughts

An endless ocean for your actions

It’s brutal isn’t it? Saying those words to a poet?

And yet that is the final truth

In love and relationships

It’s true

I cry without making a single sound

Tears running down my face

Veins popping from my neck

Red coloring my lips

But not a single inkling of a sound

I weep
For innocence taken
For dreams destroyed
For a family that is no more

I weep
For all that I gave
And never received
For all the times I killed myself
Over and over again

I weep
For all the times I sacrificed my soul
I weep today what I never had the luxury to mourn

It is a luxury to grieve

I weep
For a past of endless disappointments
I weep
As if it is all happening to me again

At this very moment
I weep
For my stolen childhood
I weep
For my repressed adolescence
I weep
For my invalidated wifehood
I weep
For all that couldve been and never was

Putrid

Retched

Fermented

A cheap brie
Reeking
Molds of evil

If there were a heaven
And a Hell
You would be the King
Enthroned

Your dark soulless Eyes
All consuming
Spewing

And I?
The mere mortal unaware
I?
Your perfect prey - no more
I?
Have had enough

Some live deep in the ocean
Some lost at sea

Some live on the surface
Shallow as can be

Some live in the mountains
Still and free

Some live in the skies
Dreaming on marshmallow clouds

Then there’s me
A touch of deep
A breath at the surface
A trance at the mountains
A dream in the skies

Then there’s me
A canvas of colors
Never fitting in anywhere
Jumping between galaxies

That’s it

Most people bore me

That deserves a poem

A title

A prelude
A culmination
And
An end

It’s one of those realizations
It’s one of those wounds
It’s one of those facts
It’s a moment stuck in time
Not just a moment
A string of events
A life time of accumulation
A realization
An epiphany of the sorts

Leave your mundane pity at the door
It is not welcome here

You who are reading those words
It is not to evoke your pity
It is not for you to say:
Oh, thats a bit dramatic

And to you,
The person writing those words
It is not to evoke self pity
It is not for you to belittle:
Oh, thats a bit dramatic

It is a profound realization

That nothing comes easy for me

Life has a way to toss and turn you around
To burn the surface
To blow away your shell
Life is funny that way
Creating motion from paralysis
Stripping you to your truest self
Life is funny that way
Chewing you into a being you no longer recognize
Then when life has done its part
When you have had your share
You emerge unscathed
Full of wounds but intact
You no longer run
You stand tall
You no longer run
You bend
You no longer run
You pause
You shed
You rise

An urge to write
A compulsion to unravel

A voice unheard
A scream falling on deaf ears

A generation of influencers
Humans locked to screens

An urge to dance
A compulsion to express

Hold on to the smell of lingering basil as you prune the newly formed buds
Hold on to the warmth of his embrace after a long and tiring day
Hold on to the sight of a flower turning into a fruit
Hold on to the beauty that exists
Hold on to the simplicity that overflows
Hold on to your inner strength
Hold on to your dreams
Hold on so you can let go
Let go of your anxiety
Let go of all the wrongs
Let go of all the pain
Let go of disparity
Let go of differences
Accept life is what it is
Accept love
Accept help
Accept reciprocity
Accept we are all the same
Accept we are all the same but different
Accept the beauty of life
In spite of it all
The beauty remains

You march unified by a cause
A moral high ground on life and death
You live preoccupied with trivialities
Unwavering, rigid, hooked
Instant gratification
Hashtags
Selfies
Likes

Drowning in avoidance of death
Under the umbrella of virtues
You march unified by delusion
A primal fear of dying
A self defense mechanism
Denial, projection, distraction
Consumerism
Objects
Money
Power

You, an army of the dead

It is time to be
The wave of pleasing others
With the price of self sacrifice
Is gone
It is time to reconnect

Etched in my mind is a picture of my teenage self beside the fire place
A big empty home filled with material abundance and devoid of any emotions
Taboo is it now to feel?

Entrenched in my memory is not the emptiness I felt in this home
It is not the cold distant void that resonated to my bones despite the blazing fire
It is not how little and placid I  had to make myself in order to fit and conform

What will forever stay with me is the discussion my parents were having
When the words rolled out of my fathers cigar filled mouth
“I don’t like girls, I always wanted a boy”
The words rolled with seamless grace
The words landed with a heavy shade
Baggage that confirmed what has already been looming in my monkey brain
Baggage that I carry to this day

Expectations of what I should and should not be
A ****** dictating my identity
Anticipation of the life I was to lead
A self proclaimed prophecy
To walk down the isle of patriarchy
To conform, to shrink to the role bestowed upon me
To bottle up my dreams, my thoughts, my needs
To follow the path that serves men
To stay small so they can feel big
To nurture and raise a family
To just nurture and raise a family
To be unseen
To keep the peace

There’s a hole where my soul used to be
An endless abyss of pain
I feel it in my chest every time I pause
Pain buried under ancient rubble
The pain eats away in the never ending hole
The reasons unknown

I try to balance
Shift my weight to the middle
Keep the boat afloat
My desire pulls me to the front
Reality throws me to the back
The boat is rocked
Ripples upon a once still lake
I try to balance
The child in me enjoys the ripples
The adult in me throws the anchor

My body remembers,
Your filthy rotting hands spewing toxic touches
My body remembers,
The stench from that abandoned room
My body remembers,
The aches, the pain, the guilt, the weight
My body remembers,
As tears stream down my face
After all those years,
My mind has forgotten
Yet my body remembers

Do you own it?
You reak of testosterone
An air of rightfulness
Lingers behind
As you walk

Do you own it?
This world we live in
Was it woven only to accommodate your inflated ego?

Deep down I resent you
You males
Walking around chest high
Hands banging
Monkeys in suits