some get too many thoughts all at once
overwhelmed and psychotic
others got no thoughts of their own
brainwashed and idiotic
doing and saying what they see and hear in frames
from supposed challenges to made up games
forcing everyone to sign their ******* waivers
and calling them favours
only a few minds still remain raw
the rest have been turned to straw
mostly they've been cooked and even overcooked
their actual beings and selves overlooked
one can't make their own recipes no more
exploiters added the spices and stuff they wanted
it ain't even their dish, so what for?
just messing up with the insides and the core
leaving them with melted gelato for brains
no ways of going their own ways
no cars no busses no trains or planes
stuck in another person's path, they can't change lanes
they're trying their best to lead their own ways
but they confiscated their reins
filled them with irrational fears and paralyzing strains
added even more heavy loads, weighing em down with chains
they be trying to start of clean but cant wash off the stains
things might settle for a second but they gon send em hurricanes
once they think they've forgotten, they'll remind em of the pains

what i say and what i do
ain't got nothing to do with you
how i play and with who
don't interfere, it ain't you
what i fix and what i tear
i'm not the one waiting for a life to spare
how i dress and what i wear
or whether or not my skin is bare
however i choose to grow or cut my hair
it's not your concern, even if i'm tanned or fair
braided or not
chopped or not
even or not
bald and with a spot
imma have it my way
do as i say
it might come to you as a shock
but ******, Simon makes the rules
go hide under your rock
you and the rest of them fools
also medusa's gonna turn you to stone
then ull be shattered and with the wind blown

They say never look yourself in the mirror, when you are in a dream
They say if you do, you’ll scream
But how can we tell which is reality and which is not?
We try to look for clues or ways for us to tell
But we can’t even tell apart a feeling and a thought
Or what wars we might have fought
Or what we might have learned or taught
We don’t see ourselves the way others see us
Many times, our minds have fooled us
Our subconsciousness overruled us
Hiding truths and misleading us
And constant gnarly lies feeding us
Are we foes?
Are we ever going to understand how it is and how it goes?
There are so many questions but only God truly knows
We stand starring at mirrors
So many of them, all sizes and shapes
Fixing hair tucking in clothes
Looking at wrinkles, pimples, scares and scrapes
But none of them can show us the insides!
If only we can see what is within so clearly
If only we could truly understand what its really like in our minds
And invest our time in fixing what we can
Mirror makers… doesn’t it sound like a plan?

Driven by fear he attempt to commit to it
But he’s unsure he shudders and stutters
then thinks aloud again “is it the right choice”
He’s astute enough to know that this currently seems like an appropriate option
But what about later
what about then
what about when there is no one left but you
how will you cope then
how will you deal with stuff
he takes deep breaths
and holds them for five seconds
listens to his heart beats
as they regulate and adjust
he is no longer frail or brittle
His limbs stiffen
and so do his privates
his voice steady and firm
The fear is gone
replaced by desire
He managed to convince himself
that this is what he has always wanted
what he currently and surly wants
and what he has been longing for
This whole process is no big deal
he does this kind of **** often
and just lies to himself until the actual truth no longer seems plausible
But it is when the authentic veracity fades and seizes to exist
and when the lie becomes all there is
its self-destruction its only that
Perhaps he can change what his conscious perceives to be tru
But the sub and un conscious is merely untouchable it has a cognition of its own
But its not now that somewhat concerns him
cz he still knows that it was self-composed
with time passage it won’t be like that anymore
he might be too dead to regret it

To punish someone
Simply let them live

To punish someone who loves you
Let them live without you

You shall suffer for a bit
But knowing they are internally dying
****, freal that'll be lit

Life on it own is a handful
We need others to help lighten the weights
It's fine if u take advantage of them
But u need to be smart about it and choose the individuals and baits
The only proper sleep I'm getting is in REM
regardless of the prosecution and kidnap dreams
Days and nights I stay awake it seems
Locked up in my mind not scrolling thru lame meems

I am like a male gymnast
Everything hits the groin specially the beams

we try our best to change the ****
to stop the ****
or at least to cut down
we cant help it tho
it can adjust about every frown

as it turns out **** can change us
to better and to worst too
there's a dilemma, a current struggle
honestly, its all just a huge fuss
but more like a mildly muddy puddle

i write all this and share it here
since there is no other place
for if others found out id fear
punishment, concurrences, and more
i cant leave a trace

i am in some sort of pit or hill
stuck below or above
it sorta depends on the power of will
its either that or the other no in between

**** helped a lot to some extent
yet made some things worse
it got harder and harder to deal with life
i'm currently reconsidering searching for a provider, a source

it was all too hard
getting my brain to function
getting rid of tension
getting my emotions involved
it sure was a struggle to eat
and to interact with the people i meet

for those of u who know and understand
i'd rather dissociate and float than remain on land
perhaps you can relate
but the thing is now
i gotta figure this out somehow

sure people on the spectrum are more likely to get psychosis
with OCD and TTM
yea whatever its a confirmed diagnosis

i realised tho that **** actually helped for a while
it got my stress and anxiety down
ya i know this isn't much of a poem, its another style
but there's nowhere to share but here
that's how i initially began typing
ill keep trying and fighting

so here it comes
the question that lingers
it has to do with my thumbs and fingers

can i stop or can i not?
do i start **** again or do i not?
will it help me or will it not?
will the whole thing be eventually worth it or will it not?

idk i am yet to decide

WAR
"Wasn't at all expected"
"Bombs and gunshots"
"Corpses and injured"
"Civilians and soldiers"
"Dead and missing"
LOST
"It can't be , u have nowhere to go"
"Might seem unfamiliar but this might be it"
"Surroundings so different"
"This isn't it, nothing's the same"
"Trying to find my way"
"Destination unknown"
"Looking for a way back to the beginning"
"I look back and find nothing"
"This can't be it"
"Where have I started"
"I'm giving up I'm going back"
"Back to where I do not know"
HOME
"No longer the same"
"Destruction behind"
"Destruction ahead"
"There is no home"
"Well not for me at least"
"Someone else has it now"
It's someone eles' home"