i just finished it.
the book you gave me.
the story of someone who went from nothing
someone who felt nothing
someone who's life didn't seem worth living
someone who grew to become greater than the sum of their parts
and now i lay here
completely engrossed
and i see why you love this book so much

This is interesting.
I have no direction in writing this.
I guess this is me trying to understand,,,,,myself?
or you?
us.,. maybe.

have i moved on?
my brain has, yes
but my heart is stubborn
like any true italian, stubborn as all hell
add to that being straight white dude and you've got what i call
Emotional Stubborn City, Population:
                          Me

These poems for me have always meant a lot
They always will
And now adays i dont even bother to rhyme
not always
but if i had to try

Id be something like this
an abyss
lies deep within me
a hole
empty;soul
within me
i am happy yes
but when i see him kiss you
i cant help but scream.

Months ago you said it was a petty crush
nothing of.
months ago i lied and it ended up biting me back.
months ago i didn't know how to explain my emotions
and i still
                                  *******
        cant
and months ago it all added up to me weeping on an apartment balcony in Tokyo.
my best friends behind me, confused.
offering me another beer while i stand shirtless in the rain
knowing his arms are wrapped around you.
and mine are dangling two stories up.
I look up and see an old lady hang her clothes.
gather up the strength thinking,
"a shirtless gaijin across from her probably isnt what she wants to see at 11pm"
i dont sleep that night

when i come back to this hermit of a city, things are different.
very different.
now there's talks of exploring with other people
doubts of who we want
doubts of who we are

and months ago

i should of said no.

then and there.

"you either have all of me, or none. your choice. no in between."

is what i should of said if i had conviction in my words.
If i actually ******* knew how i felt but i was so blinded by love i thought hey maybe if i just roll with it ill still have her at the end.

fast forward and there i stood next to a boulder
in the cold
waiting
and i waited
hours
because you wanted you fun with a pretty boy who could talk the talk
i thought i didnt mind. i thought i could deal with it. but i couldn't.
and that rage i showed then when you kissed him dancing is a rage that stays with me to now
where a new boy holds your hips and calls you baby
all because months ago i ****** up
and didnt speak up.
didnt understand how i felt so i didnt say a word.
its not your fault.
its not really mine either.
it just ******* *****.
and i think why do i still care?
why?
after everything.

in the end
i want to burn it
the memories from my mind
the poems left behind
the trees built in my room
fire and smoke and mirrors consume
i am
so
angry.
but i have no way to show it.
im not violent im not loud when im sad im not an angry person at heart
but im angry right now
and i will be for a very long time.
i wish i could yell at you or him or both of you and for it to mean nothing. to get it all out then pretend like it never happened
maybe a far off day in the future when we're all drunk together and no one will remember
maybe then ill be content

maybe im just overthinking

maybe this is just jealousy
plain and simple
and if it is?
then time will heal itself
but time cant run back
and so i learn

let me be clear
contrary to my cries
i am happy
im happy you have him and that you're happier now
im happy that i have her, even if maybe im not ready for all of her yet, but thats okay we're taking it slow
im happy that i feel freer even if the house i live in feels more like a prison sometimes
im happy that we can still chat
im happy that i can still feel after all cause for a period of time there i really doubted i could

but i guess i can be happy and sad at the same time
im schrodingers emotions
a paradox
or simply misunderstood

i was not all of me when i was with you
and i wont be all of me for a long time
not until i move
not until i realise what i truly want
he's older, you can do more, be more,
and right now you need that more than some stuck up dude in his underwear writing a sorry love letter at 2am. im not exciting. i never have been.

to finish
i wish you luck from here
i wish you good health in mind and body, i know you more than anyone needs it
i wish luck to him, for if he treats you any less than a true ****** monarch so god help his ******* soul.
just cause im not yours doesnt mean i dont care.
doesnt mean i wont put you before him and make sure he knows he better not **** around like he has before.

to finish
pitter patter rain comes falling
out my window
my cat purrs beside me
i take another sip of bitter coffee
candle light around me i write now to you in the hope i make a percentage more sense to you now than before
e adesso dico,
non dimenticarmi. perche non posso dimenticarti mai.
sleep well
i might take a while

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why

Never left my head since I learnt the fucken word
And now my own actions make it an echo chamber
My mantra
Keeps me held in

All i have to say is

You're my sunshine, even when you're brain is filled with rain clouds.
You're my warmth
My heart
My life even when you feel like yours is worthless.
My everything.
I want to show you
Show you so much
Show you that past these grey skies and night cries there's so much more.
I don't stop the thoughts of the future anymore
I let them come.
Because they prove to me that we can be so much.
And sure its terrifying, but i wouldnt have it any other way
I wouldnt have anyone else
I wouldn't be going from one mindless hook up to the next
I'd be with you.
I'd go to sleep happy knowing i found the one for me.
Thats why I'm telling you
You're going to be here tomorrow.
Not only for yourself, but for us too.
Because God knows i need my winter girl.
And i know deep down in you, you want that day too.
That day of soft thunder with love in sheets
Lame banana pancakes dancing to forgotten love songs.
Be here tomorrow for those, because I'm not giving up on that vision
I'm not giving up on you.
On us.
So in return, all I ask is you don't give up on yourself.

timeless and priceless
your voice through a crackling phone
is still music to my ears
even when you're miles and miles away

Everything I do fails like like rain in summer
No matter how much I try I pour
It goes for nothing like evaporating away
I can't seem to be.

Why can't I do things right for those I love.

It rains properly for the first time in weeks,
In the low clouds i see a mirror with your reflection
Umbrellas hiding the faces of the people around us
While they look away, kiss me.
In the rain

Winter arrives my love
The smell of damp flowers brings comfort complimenting yours.

i don't know how to ******* speak
and its killing me as it kills those around me
and i've had enough.
why can't i speak.

I'm worried that my me isnt enough
Because ******* girl
You are my everything.
Please don't stop holding my hand.

i found you
and i found this little clock
at very different times
but in the same time now

it ticks on when you feel like you cant
it ticks on when you wind it each morning
setting its motions into play so that it has a good ticking day,
like how we must work ourselves up to have our own good day
it ticks on during any dark hour
it ticks on when you need it to
when the world feels like its closing in
and getting faster and faster
hold it up and listen
steady
steady
steady

so keep it close for the times ahead
keep it ticking like a temporal anchor
keeping you steady through rough winds and waters
close to your ear, close to your chest, hold it and remember

it serves in place of me
when it feels like im too far
when we havent talked in a time
let this piece of time remind you
to unwind
to breathe
because i will still be here
and all i ask, is that you stay too.

stay strong my dear winter girl.