This is interesting.
I have no direction in writing this.
I guess this is me trying to understand,,,,,myself?
or you?
us.,. maybe.
have i moved on?
my brain has, yes
but my heart is stubborn
like any true italian, stubborn as all hell
add to that being straight white dude and you've got what i call
Emotional Stubborn City, Population:
Me
These poems for me have always meant a lot
They always will
And now adays i dont even bother to rhyme
not always
but if i had to try
Id be something like this
an abyss
lies deep within me
a hole
empty;soul
within me
i am happy yes
but when i see him kiss you
i cant help but scream.
Months ago you said it was a petty crush
nothing of.
months ago i lied and it ended up biting me back.
months ago i didn't know how to explain my emotions
and i still
*******
cant
and months ago it all added up to me weeping on an apartment balcony in Tokyo.
my best friends behind me, confused.
offering me another beer while i stand shirtless in the rain
knowing his arms are wrapped around you.
and mine are dangling two stories up.
I look up and see an old lady hang her clothes.
gather up the strength thinking,
"a shirtless gaijin across from her probably isnt what she wants to see at 11pm"
i dont sleep that night
when i come back to this hermit of a city, things are different.
very different.
now there's talks of exploring with other people
doubts of who we want
doubts of who we are
and months ago
i should of said no.
then and there.
"you either have all of me, or none. your choice. no in between."
is what i should of said if i had conviction in my words.
If i actually ******* knew how i felt but i was so blinded by love i thought hey maybe if i just roll with it ill still have her at the end.
fast forward and there i stood next to a boulder
in the cold
waiting
and i waited
hours
because you wanted you fun with a pretty boy who could talk the talk
i thought i didnt mind. i thought i could deal with it. but i couldn't.
and that rage i showed then when you kissed him dancing is a rage that stays with me to now
where a new boy holds your hips and calls you baby
all because months ago i ****** up
and didnt speak up.
didnt understand how i felt so i didnt say a word.
its not your fault.
its not really mine either.
it just ******* *****.
and i think why do i still care?
why?
after everything.
in the end
i want to burn it
the memories from my mind
the poems left behind
the trees built in my room
fire and smoke and mirrors consume
i am
so
angry.
but i have no way to show it.
im not violent im not loud when im sad im not an angry person at heart
but im angry right now
and i will be for a very long time.
i wish i could yell at you or him or both of you and for it to mean nothing. to get it all out then pretend like it never happened
maybe a far off day in the future when we're all drunk together and no one will remember
maybe then ill be content
maybe im just overthinking
maybe this is just jealousy
plain and simple
and if it is?
then time will heal itself
but time cant run back
and so i learn
let me be clear
contrary to my cries
i am happy
im happy you have him and that you're happier now
im happy that i have her, even if maybe im not ready for all of her yet, but thats okay we're taking it slow
im happy that i feel freer even if the house i live in feels more like a prison sometimes
im happy that we can still chat
im happy that i can still feel after all cause for a period of time there i really doubted i could
but i guess i can be happy and sad at the same time
im schrodingers emotions
a paradox
or simply misunderstood
i was not all of me when i was with you
and i wont be all of me for a long time
not until i move
not until i realise what i truly want
he's older, you can do more, be more,
and right now you need that more than some stuck up dude in his underwear writing a sorry love letter at 2am. im not exciting. i never have been.
to finish
i wish you luck from here
i wish you good health in mind and body, i know you more than anyone needs it
i wish luck to him, for if he treats you any less than a true ****** monarch so god help his ******* soul.
just cause im not yours doesnt mean i dont care.
doesnt mean i wont put you before him and make sure he knows he better not **** around like he has before.
to finish
pitter patter rain comes falling
out my window
my cat purrs beside me
i take another sip of bitter coffee
candle light around me i write now to you in the hope i make a percentage more sense to you now than before
e adesso dico,
non dimenticarmi. perche non posso dimenticarti mai.
sleep well
i might take a while
written in the early am, stream of consciousness with no goal or real poetic flow, just feelings, stuff i cant seem to find in spoken word.