I’ve waited my entire life for this grudge against you to become undone.
Yet every attempt to reconcile the past doings with the present circumstances is met with another unforgivable happening taking place in a real time.
Positioning me further away from you
Caught between meeting your level of escalation and

Echoing the following sentiments to myself:
“stop taking it personal, it’s who they are"
Over and over and over.

And I’m only left to remember what you’ve done to me.
And how burdened your mere presence makes me feel.

I can only imagine how burdened you feel too.
Far before you were a villain in my recollections
You were a victim in your own right.

It may be true that you are not the worst of what you’ve done
But you sure do bring out the worst in me.

Oh, the grueling beauty of duality and multiple truths existing at once.

You were
A shy boy
When I met you.

A not-so- social butterfly

Who, when alone
Pondered upon
life’s philosophies
Questioning the meaning
Of it all.

I loved that
About you.

Because it was in fact
The reserved intellect
Who I believed
You to be.

I swallow my pride
And force you to regurgitate
Yours
Because I refuse to idly stand by
And watch you place toxins
Into your body

The devil stands in the shadow of the perplexed being while the caged bird sings

"Oh let me fly, for I have wings"

The smell of Spring
reminds me of finding true love
and its unpredictable nature.
In this instance I learned
time is of the essence
Even in your absence I still save you the other half of the tangerine.

He was a simple man
That stood about 5’4 inches high
With light brown skin
And light brown eyes
He was a simple man
Whom I can write about all day but there isn’t enough hours in the day on military time
He was
Always faithful
Semper Fi

I believe in love.
But not the unconditional kind.
I believe in love that understands that love isn’t always enough.
I believe in love that relies on other entities to sustain itself.
I believe in love as it should be:
Fluid.
Transparent.
Reciprocal.

I wish loving you in the ways you deserve was as easy as loving you in general.
The love that I have for you is nothing in comparison to the ways that I could illustrate them.
The ways that I could enact them for you without fear, because you are the only member in the audience.
Beaming with pride and satisfaction. Applauding my efforts to do right by you.
Because I would love nothing more than to perform for you with Boundless Love as my co-star.

I’ve loved many times before
But not like this
To love you is to do so intentionally
It is to love deeply
To be given the space to express myself colorfully
All the time
To love you is to also love myself and to find immense comfort in knowing that you love me too
My heart is open
My heart is full

This love
Was a masterpiece
Telling a story so
Significant
That it was placed at the Alter
For all to see
But of course all good things must come to an end

I’ve spotted the vanishing point

They told me that
I was far too loud
to adjust within
the silent confinements
of the indoors

So they relocated me to
the outskirts
in the
middle of oblivion

They told me that
I was merely
far too loud
To belong

So I hushed

And my voice became inaudible

I dreamed the most surreal of dreams
About you
And me
Yet when I awoke
I forgot it within an instant

When I awoke all I had left was
A slight memory of what it felt like to love you
In the present tense
Because I was robbed of the chance to do so
Way back when

My imagination was actuality

I love you
Even when I’m battling the powers that be
The very powers that lead me to you
And you to me
I love you
Because I’m only human after all.

I remember believing the best way to love was to do it unconditionally...
That to love blindly
Was to love deeply
And to love with boundaries
Was like not loving at all

Love is supposed to be a mere emotion
Not physically seen
But internally felt
And the rest is up to fates discretion

Love without condition.
Love without rules.
Love without boundaries.

Yet when I attempt to replicate that...

the love becomes unsustainable
Intangible
Unattainable

And so called unconditional love morphs into

Love with harbored resentments

From all the flaws I was suppose to learn to love that I could never find myself to
And all of the things I was supposed to ignore that I never did
To accept all the hurt I never truly healed from

Carelessly trying to offer up understanding
When in all actuality I’m not as pragmatic and as patient as this notion insists that I should be

I cannot love you unconditionally

To love you isn’t to just simply tolerate you

It is to confront you
It is to disagree with you
It is be grow frustrated with you
It is to need space

To love you is to comfort you
To love you is to desire you
To love you is to grow with you
It is to occupy the same the space as you
And to feel
Content with you

Not stagnant

But contentment

To love you
I have to do so conditionally
And that’s okay

I'm sorry that I'm not the superwoman you believe me to be.
I'm sorry I can't save the world you want me to save.
I'm sorry that all I ever wanted to save was you because you indeed are my world.

I dreamed the most surreal of dreams
About you
And i
Yet when I awoke
I forgot it within an instant

When I awoke all I had left was
A slight memory of what it felt like to love you
In the present tense
Because I was robbed of the chance to do so
Way back when

My imagination was actuality

I’ve been trying to find ways to express my love for you on a plain white piece of paper, void of margins
Because my love can’t be confined between thin blue lines....

My love is open
It is free
It is unmeasurable.

I’ve been trying to find ways to express my love for but the English language is too premature

Truth be told, every language is really.

If I told you I knew how this would end, what would you believe me to be?
A psychic?
A realist?
A pessimist?

What if I told you I’m simply just cursed with the inability to love without conditions?

I got it from my momma.
Who got it from her momma.
And so on...

The first mistake I made
Was allowing you to make me believe
I ever owed you an explanation

The truth is
It was always written in the stars

You chose not to look up and see

You feel my heart with contentment
And my mind with ease.
You possess a heart of pure, untainted gold.
A smile brighter than any sun I’ve ever seen during the afternoon in the middle of June.
And the healing powers of a God.
To know you is to love you.
It is with immense pleasure that I am able to live in a moment where those dual truths exist.

My compulsion to love you pumped it’s way into a dark place in which my thoughts are no longer applicated in reality.
They weaved their way into my dreams and within those dreams I find myself in a tranquil state of being content with a version you I’ll never  be able to see

I then awaken,
Angry as hell
Because I never got the chance to love you at your best

People congratulated me and I felt displaced because I had no business at this affair.
This was no feat. No accolade. Nothing to celebrate.
They congratulated me and every time they did it made you a little more alive. A little more human. A little more of a blessing, and not the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me.
And I hated every minute of it.
Because everyday that I was forced to allow you to grow, I felt myself shrinking as I grew more detached from my own body.
Every attempt to nourish myself turned into a regurgitation session.
Of my meals.
Of my pride.
Of my strength.
And some wanted me to feel guilty because I didn’t desire to gift you with life.
To be your mother.
But my love, it wasn’t you.
It was everything that happened before you that left me on the edge of my bed crying at the thought of being unable to love you in the fashion that you deserved.
So that’s why we can’t be together. At least not now.
But if given the chance again, after my wounds aren’t so fresh And there’s nothing left but healed scars to tell my story... I’d bleed myself dry for you instead of bleeding you out.

Rediscovering you in my most chaotic hour is like serendipity
Meets fate
With a hint of Gods will
all coming together to create an undying love and vast uncertainty out of fear of the unknown.

"Will they ever love me at even a shred of the capacity in which I love them?"

Is this even what God intended?

I think that you and I are the right equation
So now I’m trying to show my work
By subtracting the hesitancy
Holding your heart
Carrying the love
Multiplying them both
Until love is no longer binary
But I’m stuck.
Truth is I’ve never been good at arithmetic

My mother taught me the importance Of accountability
Meaning, when you do something, own it. Correct it.

Not because she enacted it but because she didn’t.

The most profound lesson that my father left with me is the mere unpredictability of life itself.
Here today,
Gone by tomorrow.
Much to my surprise....

I’ve always believed myself to be the kind that wears my heart on my sleeve but Truth is I never allowed myself to feel close to anyone unless I was naked.

I’d give you the world if I could.
But it’s far too imperfect for your precious hands to hold.
So for now my heart will have to do.
It’s in the process of healing and skipping a beat too many, just for you.

My grandma used to say
That true willpower resided within the person
Who was able to acknowledge when someone had them ****** up
While taking it in stride
Without allowing anyone to have such a hold on you that you lose your religion
Or state of mind
Just be and
Allow God to handle everything that follows.

I enjoy loving you when you’re not within my reach
Everything I touch soon becomes a thing of the past
Eventually a distant memory...
I dont want to have to forget you like I have with all of those that came before you.