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Sep 2018 · 2.1k
Untitled
Viv Sep 2018
My father says he’s not sexist
He taught me how to work a circuit breaker
But only my brother learned how to install light fixtures

My father says he’s not sexist
He taught me how to mow a lawn
But only my brother learned how to work a chainsaw

My father says he’s not sexist
He bought me slacks for a program
But only after saying I look better in skirts

My father says he’s not sexist
He encouraged me to play soccer
But only got excited when my brother played

My father says he’s not sexist
He told me to be confident with my body
But he told me that I need to work out more

My father says he’s not sexist
He said that he’d love my hair no matter how I style it
But he’s forbidden me to let it be less than 5 inches

My father says he’s not sexist
He wanted me to speak my mind
But he rolled his eyes when I stated my opinions

My father says he’s not sexist
He insisted that both of his children were equal
But only his son gets rewarded for doing what’s expected of him
Apr 2018 · 201
Soccer Girls
Viv Apr 2018
What I remember most,
Was what we were wearing.
Spandex shorts with mesh over them.
It was the style,
For sporty girls like us
Young enough to rip our jeans playing,
But old enough to know better

We were on the girl’s soccer team,
Middle school
7th and 8th grade.
I was in 7th,
Proud to picked out of the 50 girls
For a team of 20.
We had a bond on the field
That didn’t exist during school.

In school,
We were outcasts,
Girls who did sports,
Had no boyfriends
Because sports came first.
And boys
Didn’t like
Coming second.

On that fateful day,
We were on the football field
Boy’s track wasn’t practicing
So we were alone on that field,
With our male coach.
The school was deserted
Except for the roof,
Where the construction workers
Were replacing our roof.

Like any other day
We started stretching
While coach was talking
What drills we were running today,
What we did wrong last game.

Downwards we bent,
Our backs to the school.
And then we heard it
“Just like that baby!”
Our heads snapped up,
Looking for the track boy who said it.
But the track was empty,
The call had come
From the roof.

To our coach we looked,
Waiting for him to say
Something,
Anything,
He didn’t.
He just kept talking drills.

So we continued,
Stretching forwards and backwards.
Then it came again
“That’s how you do it!”
“Yeah, get ready for me!”
And then laughter,
Coach kept talking.

Our cheeks burned,
Just like when the boys at school
Told us that
We’d look cuter
With our uniform shirts
Unbuttoned just
One more
And our skirts a little
Higher.

A wolf whistle sounded,
And we stopped.
The shame burning,
In our bodies.
Knowing that something was wrong,
But not what it was.
This was what happened in school,
So this was normal
Right?

Our captain,
Decided that we were done stretching.
Coach didn’t notice that
We had stopped sooner.
So we ran drills,
And scrimmaged,
And trained,
And ignored the hoots,
Hollers,
Words of perversity,
That echoed in our ears.

When we were done,
It was past 5.
The crew had left,
The sun was setting,
And we went home.
I hopped on my bike,
And ride home alone.
A little faster that normal,
But not knowing
What I was running
From.

The next day,
We had practice
And coach was late.
He came to the field
With our vice principal
She had something to say.

She heard what happened yesterday,
And it was not ok.
Those men were removed from the site,
And won’t be back.
What happened wasn’t right
That was ****** harassment
And that’s against the law.
No one
Should ever be allowed
To talk about us,
Like we’re objects
Incapable of responding,
Of feeling,
Of being in control,
If it ever happened again,
Come to her office
Tell an adult.
And with that
She was gone.

In that moment,
We were empowered,
We were strong.
And with that power,
Practice began.
With our heads held high,
We stretched
Bending down farther.
And from the roof
Was silence.
Apr 2018 · 125
Depression
Viv Apr 2018
Depression is romantic
He’s the guy of every girl’s dreams
He’s always there for you it seems

When you fall, he’s right there
In your arms you’ll lay
And he doesn’t lie and say everything is ok

Depression is a stalker
He never leaves you alone
He says that he is your home

When you think you’re by yourself
He’s only a step behind you
Because he stays true

Depression is possessive
He holds onto you tight
When you cry at night

He freaks out when you’re not with him
When you come back he smiles again
Having you is is biggest win

Depression is abusive
He never wants you to leave
It isn’t wise of you to try and deceive

When you think you’re free
You’re pulled back into his embrace
But his hug is like a slap in the face

Depression is toxic
Horrible, filthy, a disgrace
But it feels so good when he cradles your face

His attention is comforting
Without him you’d be truly lonely
He never lets you forget that he’s your one and only
Viv Mar 2018
I wish they would’ve told me about EDNOS
Eating disorder not otherwise specified
That just because I don’t throw up or starve myself extremely
Doesn’t mean that I’m fine

But they didn’t tell me
So my EDNOS I kept to myself
I thought that it was just me
That I didn’t need help

I wish they would’ve told me about real depression
That it’s not always sudden
It can creep up on you
That it’s not always so obvious

But they didn’t tell me
So my depression I hid
I thought that if no one noticed, then it didn’t exist
That I didn’t need help

I wish they would’ve told me about real self harm
That it’s not just cutting
Self harm is hurting yourself
And it isn’t always ******

But they didn’t tell me
So I told myself that it wasn’t self harm
That biting bruises in my arms was ok
Scratching myself to cope wasn’t really self harm

I wish they would’ve told me about anxiety
That it’s unexplainable to anyone
How one minute your fine and the next
You feel like you’re dying

But they didn’t tell me
So my anxiety I dismissed
My fears weren’t explainable
When I couldn’t breathe, I was fine

I wish that they told me that it was about me
How I felt
How no one could invalidate my issues
Even if I didn’t fit the definitions perfectly

But they didn’t tell me
So when my mom said I was PMSing
Myself I started second guessing
Maybe how I felt was normal

Above all I wish they would’ve told me to tell someone
That handling my health by myself is hard
Too big a burden to handle on my own
You can’t use your mind to fix what’s inside your mind

But they didn’t tell me
So I struggle alone with my depression and anxiety
I suffer in silence with the evidence of my self harm and EDNOS
And soon they won’t be able to tell me anything anymore
Mar 2018 · 156
I am Strong
Viv Mar 2018
Don’t call me ma’am
Just because of the gender I am
Don’t patronize me
While saying that I have the key
To curing cancer
I refuse to be a dancer
In your patriarchal game
I’m not a wild animal you can tame
Just because I don’t have *****
Doesn’t justify your catcalls
Just because I have ovaries
Doesn’t mean I have to play the victim on your TVs
Just because I have a ******
Doesn’t mean I can’t stand up to China
Or any other country or man
Who says I can’t when I can
I am strong and independent
I will not grovel at your feet
And act like I’m beat
Like I will submit
Because trust me, I never quit
Mar 2018 · 122
Girl
Viv Mar 2018
Girl you are the definition of beauty
And I’m not talking about your glorious *****
It’s your eyes that hold a spark
That can light up a room in the dark
And maybe even my heart

Girl, you are the definition of smart
And I’m not talking about how you can weave your way into a man’s heart
I’m talking about your brain
With your knowledge you make it rain
You’re like my personal study guide

Girl you are the definition of bold
And I’m not using a euphemism to say that your style is old
I’m talking about your confidence
How you don’t need a man to come to your defense
And I love the way you make the haters cringe

Girl you are the definition of strong
And I’m not talking about those thick legs of yours that are also long
It’s your warm arms
That keep me from harm
And that’s why I love you
Viv Feb 2018
I want to write a poem to my little brother
The second and last child to come out of my mother
A boy so brave
Who always took less than he gave
Who never understood
But wished he could
Struggled in the depths of his mind
Which no one could find
His trouble was always with change
That always was different in range
From moving from state to state
Not liking what was on his plate
Changing schools
And suffering because he wasn’t cool
He was the misfit
Because he never got “it”
And no one ever got him
Never understood his whims
I don’t understand him either, I admit
Especially during his hissy fits
But he’s mine to love
A gift from heaven above
And so I wrote this poem to say
“I love you, AJ”
Feb 2018 · 184
The Most Beautiful
Viv Feb 2018
The calories
Can’t you feel them?
Churning in your stomach
Being digested slowly
Oh so slowly
Whispering promises
Of the weight they’ll add
Of the large hips
The pouchy stomach
Taunting you with reminders
Of how weak you are
All you had to do
Is say no
But you didn’t
You thought with your stomach
Not your brain
So this is your punishment
The extra weight
The big hips
Bigger stomach
Because you’re too weak to say no
And too afraid to throw up
But you’re in a perfect shape
To count them
To watch the numbers climb
And you’re trapped
In this hell
That you’re too weak to escape from
Too scared to run from
And too ashamed to seek help
So carve those hips
So big
So fat
Like that Christmas ham
Your dad just carved
So don’t stop those sit-ups
You can’t stop
Until you can see those toes
Standing up
And looking down
So look in that mirror
That blob of fat is you
Don’t listen to the lies
Everyone said you were so skinny
But now they say
“You’re too skinny”
But that’s not true
To be skinny
Is to be beautiful
So how can you be too skinny
You want to be the most beautiful
So you have to be the skinniest
And they’re wrong anyways
You’re not too skinny
They’re lying
How can they not see those rolls
Those fat hips
They just want you to fail
To not be beautiful
Or maybe they don’t understand
That the blood is beautiful
Rolling down your hips
Releasing the fat
The toxins
The calories
So don’t stop
Keep doing those sit-ups
Can you see your toes yet?
Can you count your ribs?
Are those hips nothing but bone?
Can you be strong?
Learn to say no?
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
So one apple a day
Is all you get
And water
The water is all you need
It’s your only friend
No calories
It doesn’t taunt you from your stomach
It cleans
Washes away your sins
It makes you pure
You want to pure
Don’t you?
The dizziness will pass
Like the weight slowly is
But it’s not enough
It will never be enough
You have to be the most beautiful
No one can be skinnier than you
So keep carving your hips
Don’t stop the sit-up
You did it!
Look at your ribs
See the skin stretch over them
Those hips are nothing but bone
Now you are truly skinny
Truly beautiful
But you know who’s skinnier?
The skeletons in your closet
They’re the beautiful ones
You have surpassed all earthly beauty
So why can’t you surpass theirs?
All you have to do
Is die
You can do it
You’ve made it this far
Don’t be afraid
When you die
You’ll be mourned
As the most beautiful of them all
Just take those pills
It won’t take much
Any calories will leave you
As quickly as they entered
And the water
The sweet, purifying water
Will wash your sins away
Don’t leave a note
Just do it now
Don’t think of them
They’re just holding you back
They’re selfish
Not wanting you to be beautiful
........
You did it!
You’re the skinniest of them all
This is what we wanted
This is great
The only issue now
Is that you can’t celebrate
Feb 2018 · 100
The World is Spinning
Viv Feb 2018
The world is spinning
Around her head
And she just watches
Unable to breathe
To be like them

The world is spinning
Around her head
And she just watches
Becoming dizzy as
As the circles won’t stop moving
In front of her eyes

The world is spinning
Around her head
And she just watches
But no one watches her
She’s all alone

The world is spinning
Around her head
And she just watches
As they destroy themselves
And desperately try
To put themselves back together again
Feb 2018 · 252
I am
Viv Feb 2018
I am a leaf
Being torn apart
Going with the flow
Hopelessly lost

I am driftwood
Floating in the sea
Being polished and toughened
By the harsh waters
Forever alone

I am a ghost
In a wasteland
Searching for home
Struggling to remember
Who I am
Crying out
But no one hears me

I’m a lost girl
Alone in a great big world
Never wanting to grow up
But Peter Pan left me behind
So who will find me?
Feb 2018 · 110
We Were Stars
Viv Feb 2018

After the funeral we partied
We drank
We lost ourselves
We cried with laughter
And sobbed with grief
And with each drink
We lost our layers,
Let down the hair,
that protected our souls
And in that moment we were stars
Light years apart from the world,
from the normal people
But we were falling stars
crashing,
hurtling
towards the Earth
Burning brighter,
hotter
The fire consuming us
The pain our drug
We were becoming our true selves
The despised
The slaves
The broken
We are the broken glass
The crumpled paper
The ones who are desperate to be loved
But we won’t crash
Because to crash
is to ruin what we built for ourselves
Our glass kingdoms would fall
to the ground
To crash would be
vulnerable
To let them in
Our demons
So we drink to feel the burn
to come so close to the world,
the reality,
the truth that we hide from
To come crashing to Earth,
but to pull back at the last moment
And tomorrow we’ll wake up
Put our clothes on
And with the clothes
Our hair will go back up
And with each layer we put on,
With each motion to perfect our hair
We’ll go back,
farther into space
Until we’re light years away again

— The End —