when you love someone so much, every little thing they do affects you
when they smile, it’s like the world shakes and you were just collateral damage
when they promise you something, you try so hard to fill these promises so you feel whole
when they hug you, that closeness is the safest thing and you’ll never want to leave
and when they tell you that you are their everything, you’ll even believe them

and when they lie to you the first time, you feel like you’ll never breathe again
your air will get caught in your lungs like spider webs
and your veins feel like they’ve stopped doing their job
and when the lie to you time and time after, it just becomes an expectation
and when they say that they’ll call the first time and they don’t, it hurts
but when they say that they'll call the second time and don’t, you’ll start falling over your own emotion
because you can’t play phone tag if the other person already quit the game
you’ll keep telling yourself that it’ll be different next time when you know it won’t
you’ll keep giving them chances upon chances, but you always told yourself that three would be the limit
and when you’re shaking at night and wondering what you did wrong, you go to a place you haven’t been since the last time you felt like your eyes would stay blurry from all that **** water
a place where you feel like you could’ve done something
and while your beating up your mind with a sense of regret, all you want is to pick up their pieces
all you want is to find new things that you did wrong so you won’t see the bad in them
you’ll worry so much that soon you’ll stop wondering why you still care
they obviously mean more to you then you mean to them and that realization hits you harder than any apology ever will
cause they will say sorry
and that they don’t know why they did what they did
and since you have more love for them than you even thought was capable, you tell yourself that this will be the last time they take your air and keep it for themselves
and you’ll tell it to yourself every time after that
when you love someone so much, it’s high highs or low lows

i believe that every person you know enters your life for a reason
to show
to teach you something
about yourself
about the world
about inevitable experiences

you taught me how to love
endlessly
and tirelessly
but also skeptically
and thoughtfully
and to never hold my breath in times of uncertainty
because you never except what comes
because i was never expecting what came
you contradicted the safest thing you ever told me
the safest feeling i ever had
perpetually ruining me
a sensory overload of misconduct
a constant cycle of blame
obliterating the most crucial part of us
but yet, all i want is to be with you
because you entered my life
and showed
and taught me something

to my first love
thank you
for crafting trust issues so deep in this rock that no touch could erase
for building a sanctuary drenched in falsehood
for wincing at the sound of a tilted love
for laughing at the sight of your tilted smile
for contrasting a feeling that so little have yet to feel
for making a swing set of my heart-
back and forth until i got dizzy
for making me realize that human nature is toxic
how we forgive and forgive because we’re afraid to lose someone
how you lied and lied to protect yourself
i will drag a highlighter across your best days to distract myself from the days where you made me a statue
where you made me still and ready to crumble
where on the outside i was beautiful but was given an emotionless interior
a marvel for people to watch
but over time i will only get weaker
acidity will fall and my marble will corrode
because love doesn’t strengthen after times of hardship like i had hoped
like i had been told
love strengthens over times of care
and persistence
and i will wait
for you to mold a substance that you have chipped at before
but i won’t let myself trust someone who has proven so many times that dishonesty is a characteristic of a sculptor

Sometimes falling apart is the best thing to do
Feel exposed
Let your inner parts flow out like rivers breaking down dams
Make that fake smile made up of teeth too white fall like parachutes from the sky
Let your addiction to constant heartbreaks fade away until all that is left is a vulnerable piece of life
Spontaneously leave your lack of creativity at the doorstep of an old friend and wish them well
Make your parents feel bad for the wrong things they've done
Tell that girl you like her and wait for a much anticipated rejection
Collect your broken pieces one by one and patch them together in your own puzzle
Overanalyze a misspelled gesture or a weak excuse for a goodbye
Tear open the wounds he left in you and make yourself restitch them
Sign your full name on a brick wall and maybe someone who cares will come across it
And pray to God that this won't be the last time
Beginning to fall apart is beginning to feel okay