To be as I am
You must experience
What I have been through
What I have felt, and thought
Not only during the events I keep
Chained to a wall in the unconscious of my psyche
But in all of the times
I have taken simple pleasures
And soiled them
With my lure of taking pretty things
And ripping them apart

What a horrid habit of mine
To take a good situation
And manipulate it until all I have to do
Is strike a match, stand back, and watch
As everything that was once beautiful
Turns to ruins at my feet
The only things left are
The memories I have
Of the horrible things I've done
Another set of chains on the wall

By the time you read this, my car will be somewhere in the Ohio River,
By the time you hear this, I will be long gone, do not try looking for me, I will not be found

I made up my mind eventually,
I went home,
I packed a suitcase with my favorite shirts and shoes and hats,
I was too afraid to leave a note, but I should mention that I don't think I'm ever coming back,
I know I have a lot of responsibilities and it's stupid of me to leave,
But it's the responsibilities that made me want to leave in the first place,
I'm sorry I never grew up, I'm sorry I'm a big baby,
Above all, I'm not trying to prove anything, I just need to get away

Before you even mention it, I stopped going to classes weeks ago, besides, I was never really one for commitment, you know this,
And I'm sorry you had such high hopes for me, I don't really have much to say about that, besides sorry  

Like clockwork, I stand in my kitchen every night,
Silhouetted by the refrigerator light,
Searching for something to eat but I don't find a single thing, nothing sounds or looks good, even slightly, I haven't eaten in weeks,
I'm surrounded by the darkness now more than ever even though the sun is shining,
I'm sick of it,
But I'd be nothing without it,
It's kinda my thing,
But I don't got a lot to show for it,
You know what I mean?

Got a lot of money but it doesn't mean a thing,
I'm as broke as ever and it doesn't even feel like I have time to breathe,
But I manage,
Like I was told back in therapy,
Not everyone leaves,
and sometimes I just need to blink but I'm afraid if I blink I'll miss everything happening,
So I've been awake for days looking up at my ceiling hoping maybe if I prayed one of these gods was listening,
I don't got a lot to lose, right?
I don't really believe in miracles but maybe this time is different,
Like, maybe if I showed interest someone or something will talk back to me,
Even if nothing happens, I know I need to start caring, start trying,
It's just hard sometimes

So my plan is to drive off the bridge,
Maybe something will stop me,
Even if nothing happens, there's nothing wrong with trying,
And if I drown, I drown,
I was never really one for swimming,
There's no life jacket where I'm going,
But I'm fine with that,
Maybe I'll see you again sometime

I'm sorry

This poem is a list of things I wish weren't true
This poem is meant to hold myself accountable
I'm just another sad white boy who plays guitar
Please do not trust me
I have a lot of trouble putting my convictions where my mouth is
Please don't take me seriously
I have never been able to defend what I believe
I can barely defend myself
In my heart I'm a idealistic anarchist
But my brain knows better
It knows that oppression doesn't disappear overnight
And it knows that when push comes to shove I won't be able to take the heat
I talk a big game
I talk all the time about raising some sort of hell
About taking a stand for the world I want to live in
But I've only ever been good at lying to myself
I'm not a saint and I won't be a martyr
I'm having a hard enough time being a decent person
I'm deathly afraid of what others think of me
I have trouble making eye contact
I have trouble knowing how to act around anybody

I just hope one day I can get ahold of myself
That one day I can finally help those who may need me
I can sit in a room and not feel like everyone is staring at me
One day I will be strong
One day I will be sincere
One day I will stop lying to myself that I am helpless to fix all my problems
That day I'll understand the truth when I see it
The words I will write and speak on stage won't feel so meaningless
I'll finally take my stand
That day will come

But for today
All I can do is be honest with myself
And remind myself to keep working
My revolution must start inside
A better future requires me to take responsibility for who I am
Because freedom without responsibility is at best meaningless and at worst dangerous
So I ask of you
Don't feel sorry for me
But don't judge me too harshly
Because I'm trying my hardest
There's a bright future in the back of my mind
And I intend to reach it
Anarchy means being honest with myself
And Anarchy means facing your fears and insecurities
And taking that step

Lace up,
Mask up,
Speak up,
It is now or never,
I am not yours and you are not mine,
The sky is for the taking and the ground is for the shaking,
We ride until dawn and we take it all without stopping,
I take the thoughts hostage and I'll be ****** if I ever let them go without some kind of revenge,
I'm a sickened ******* madman with nothing to lose and one by one I'll rip off all of the bandages,
I'll let the blood spill and pool into puddles on the cement and I'll step through every single one of them without giving a ****, and that's a promise

The war is hardly over, in fact it's just beginning and I fear we've only seen the half of it, we've only scratched the surface,
Brothers, hold your sisters,
Fathers, love our mothers,
We don't have much time, but we do have the fire

I'm going to set the whole ******* world on fire,
Not even your god can stop us,
I'm going so fast, not even the rails can hold us,
Tie me down and watch me suffer, I love it like this,
I'll break my own heart, I don't need your help with it,
I'll spit in the reaper's face and dare him to take me, we all know he wouldn't do a ******* thing about it or else we'd be gone, a dead rose blinking,
Thinking ruins everything and by that I mean I'll never stop thinking,
I'll never stop the swinging, I'll never come clean and by that I mean I'll never stop wreaking

I've fallen head over heals for the daughter of happiness,
She does that thing with her lips that gets us all heated,
I'm talking about sadness, the mistress of the century,
We are more broken now than ever and I ******* live for this,
Without it I am nothing,
I guess you could call it a problem but I'm problematic so what's the difference

I know you love me but I'm not in a position to reciprocate and I'm sorry for that but there's just a lot happening,
A broken jar without someone to pickup the pieces,
A research paper written about love but I can't even finish the ******* thesis

Everything is ***** and everything is muddy but I can't be beaten,
I've been drowning for a while now because I don't want to look for a beacon

I love it like this, trust me, it doesn't seem like it but I have my reasons

I'm sorry until I'm not and I'll fight until it stops, I'm a mess and I'm leaking, this war will last through every season

And at the end of it, I will be the only one standing

I was raised a pacifist but I swear I'd fight my head until the cops come in,
Hope the demons come to get me, pray the Lord will come and take me,
Even my own friends hate me but I don't give a ****, I wish it'd end, I'll go out without a safety and I'll regret nothing

Up for what seems like three days,
I don't go to class like I'm supposed to on week days,
Mama, I promise I wanna learn but I can't remember anything for the life of me,
I'm too busy spending my time forgetting,
Throwing my head against the wall,
Face down in the dirt trying to figure it out,
Surrounded by fallout, drinking water from the rotten ground,
A smile from ear to ear but none of it's real, I'll drown in the creek before I tell you how I really feel

All I know how to do is breakup,
It's just so hard to make a makeup,
It's fake when I look up,
Look down, I'm hungry, eat the paper,
Recycle the words, been here for days, throw up the takeout,
You make my skin feel *****, enough to breakout,
It's all in a day's work, you know?
Being a wreck, but I can't complain too much because I'm the creator

Sundays are my sad days and Mondays are my bad days and Tuesdays are my mad days and Wednesdays are my glad days,
Another half week down the drain,
I give, you take, you're real, I'm fake,
You say I'm too much to handle but a little glue and some feathers, baby, I could be your angel,
I'll fight your demons faster than you can say Amen,
Hey man, it's me again, thought I'd stop by and let you know that I love you and you're a good friend and I hate seeing you so sad, so let's get some lunch soon,
But we both know I'll never see you again

I wanna feel it in my skin, be intoxicated, grow flowers from the roots of my veins and crush my bones into powder used to polish the statues I made of you, when I see them I just want to scream louder,
Louder until it's all over and the lights are off because I've lost power, see, there's a storm coming and it's raging harder than I ever have and the skies are getting darker than my heart ever has been

Loopholes in the soft sand,
Broke down but I still can,
Imagine a point in time when I never wanted any of this to end,
How childish of me to waste time giving a **** about the fakes and the loose ends,
Got good friends but I'm still down,
Got bad vibes but I still smile,
Got a lot to give but I'll only give a little,
Because I'm scared,
And that's natural

I just want to keep it coming until they have to stop me,
I just want to let them know that there's no hell without a heaven, I'm looking down the barrel, sniffing lead, wishing for poison, go ahead, let it be, I'm going a hundred miles an hour,
I may or may not be their guy and I do know I'm lying, but I've never told a lie

The moment we say enough is enough is the moment we die

I drove back out to Yellow Springs
Because I didn't want to go home
And in the darkness I sat alone on a wet bench
Then a black cat crossed my path
And in that moment I felt more blessed than I have in months
The cat came over to sit with me
And quietly we sat there for a half hour or more

There are some days where I truly wake up
In those few moments I feel completely aware
I can feel my self fill every inch of my weary skin and bones
Everything I hear is finally clear
Everything I see is truly real and alive and once again beautiful
But most days feel like I'm half asleep
And everything is a dream
And if it's all a dream then I mourn the loss of all my creativity and curse myself for making this dream reality feel so dull
I am a house
The lights are on but no one's home
Nothing but four walls a roof and echoes of laughter and tears
Echoes that have been bouncing off walls for years
I am an abandoned ship
A sloop floating far far far from the coast
The old man is long gone and I'm lost in the waves
Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up again for a few fleeting moments in the sun
Maybe I'll continue this dreary dream walk
And then I'll dream of a wet bench in the quiet dark
With a black cat on my lap
And tomorrow an eternity away

I used you,
I used you for the inspiration to write this and I'm not sorry,
I broke your heart over mine and your tears became the ink to this pen and I do not feel bad about it, any of it

You were close to the edge and I pushed you, I pushed all of you,
I knew you weren't ready but I pushed you so I could catch you and become the hero, besides, there's gotta be a hero in all of this, right?
A real ****** nice guy,
A miserable excuse for a lover,
Don't touch her, she's mine, all mine,
And I watched her knees bend until they hit the pavement,
Execution for drowning in heartbreak's debt, you asked for this, you know that, right?

I saw your breath and I breathed it in, it spoke to my head in twists and bends,
There's just something here that I need to get rid, of,
Mice and Men, I was Lennie and you were George, we all know how this ends,
You were always so smart but there were cracks in your skin and I was so stupid from your love but I felt strong enough to make all of your wounds mend

When I get to Heaven I wonder if I'll see any of my friends,
Or if Heaven in and of itself is a sin,
I'll never know because as long as you knew me, I made you my religion and I prayed every single night to you, it's only natural that you left, just like Jesus did,
But you never died for any of this,
You just kicked baggage into my chest like mud onto my shoes and now I'll never be able to walk clean again,

I can't seem to get enough of your love, and,
At this point I'm swallowing your pills by the dozen,
I can't wait to wrap this up in a big bag and nail it in a coffin,
I'm sorry if I was a mistake then, but you have my body rocking and it's going a million miles an hour in circles now, it's coming loose at it's ends

I have a lot of friends who lost a lot of friends to ******, Jesus Christ, what are you trying to prove? That I'm still not over you? I don't wanna think about you but thinking about you is just what I do and I can't stop myself, even if I wanted to

Somewhere between genuine ignorance and outright blissfulness, we're either getting there or we're suffering, so what's the point anyway?

This is a bad decision but I ******* love suffering more than anything so you really know I'm not going to stop any of this any time soon and I hope you feel the same because at this point I'd be absolutely nothing without you and I ******* hate myself for that more than any of you could ever understand

But I can't stop, so I won't

A wolf in sheep skin,
Depression's kingpin,
Lost in addiction, so spiraling it makes my ******* head spin,
Cigarettes and gin, a beautiful girl lost in a lover's world, the process over and over again

A smooth slick ******* who doesn't give a **** about heartbreak,
A cold and lonely evening, a real earth shaker,
Heartbreaker,
Hymn chanting, shot chasing, sadness cannibal,
A glass half full,
Or half empty

4am again,
Is this pack half full or half empty,
Never see, never see, Neverland, the promised land, watch it bleed,
****** river, ****** knuckles, broken teeth, a golden rose sprouting from a blackened soil, see

"You lost me"

Cut up and sewn together, mix matched with a crying messiah,
Flown up then crashed down,
Teared up with tears rolling down,
Smack the frown off of my face and leave me sunny side up over easy, pepper dripping, salt throwing, ******* train wreck of a human being,
It's never been easier, trust me,
Keep myself awake for a few days straight then rip my guts out until I convince myself that all of my problems can be fixed just by sleeping

Stormy weather with the windows open,
Sunny weather with the blinds all pulled shut,
Wish I could find a way to just not give a ****

You're pessimistic, pacify her, burn her up in holy fire, drown yourself in holy water,
Forgive the angels for your daughters,
Poetic slaughters, words ripping through all of us,
I'll give a lot but I won't give up,
I'll stay up until the sun's up but I won't cry anymore than I have to

Sometimes it's like that,
Sometimes it's easier to fight back,
Throwing punches until the lights are out,
Blacked out until the stars come out,
A kaleidoscope of misfortune,
Prescriptions on prescriptions,
Haven't peaked yet but I know I'm worth a fortune,
Frowny faces I'm drowning tasteless,
Not sweet enough for any of your senses but too bitter to take any chances

Sometimes it's like that

Better gear up for the long fight,
Hasn't come yet but I'll hold tight,
I'm here to take it all and put it into a different light, see

War never changes,
And neither will I

I won't write a letter to some president
Whoever they may be
Because if they ever truly wanted freedom
They would tear down the fences
And make the White House a shelter for the  homeless  
Or they would fill all the empty houses on my street
And every other empty house on every other street with empty houses
If there is something I've learned from 21 years
Is that its the common people who make the real change in this world
It's the common people who build the world for all to life in
For me this started at Peekskill
When 20 thousand men and women
formed a wall so Paul Robeson could sing safe from harm
Then I learned of Spain in the 30s
From the Asturian miners to the Catalan anarchists
The guns that protected Madrid and thousands of voices singing A Las Barricadas and No Pasarán
And some nights I whisper a curse for every bomb that struck Guernica
Meanwhile in West Virginia common people fought for equality at Harper's Ferry and for the rights of the workers at Blair Mountain
And even today in southern Mexico, it's the common people who are creating Zapata's great dream of a world where land belongs to those who work it
The people of this world are capable of such beautiful things
All the dollars in all the banks can't buy out the human spirit
And all the bullets in all the guns can't lessen the strength of us all standing together
And just as a wise man once said:
"We carry a new world here, in our hearts. That world is growing in this minute."

I can't stop talking about heartbreak,
I guess I'm just too sentimental about it,
Then again we all know that we can't stop talking about things that we love,
I just can't realize why I love it so much,
I guess I'll never really know,
I just know that I have to keep writing about it or else it'll write me instead and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if something like that happened,
Then again, I can't ever sleep at night regardless

There's just something about it,
I can't really put my finger on it,
I just love being sad

Sadness does that thing with its tongue that we love so much,
It's always taking cherry stems and tying them into knots,
It never stops to think if it's hurting us,
It never stops to ask us if what it's doing is alright,
Then again it knows that we'll never ask it to stop because it knows that we love it too ******* much

I don't have anyone to talk this through with,
I need help but I don't want it because this is all that I've ever known,
See, not knowing what's going on, that's what scares me the most,
But why would you turn down happiness? Why would you not want both?
I'm sorry I'm coming off a little crazy,
I swear I'm not a ******,
I just love,
Too much

I'm not one for tying knots but,
If nowhere else, you can find me at the bottom of some rope,
I love to hate love and I love the cigarettes that I smoke,
I love the feeling of being alone,
Even though I just love to talk,
******* I ****** hate this,
But honestly it's all that I've got,
So for the rest of forever I'll take it and run,
But for you I'll make it seem like I'm just going for a walk

I was told to find what I love and let it **** me,
*I think I found it