I.
I saw you in a fever dream,
Your ribcage grown sharp and your heart bleeding, you were contorting into unfathomable shapes while something droned on the radio into total oblivion, you told me that you remembered, about how all any of us know how to desire is our own absence, freedom from concern in a total collapse of context, how beautiful you looked to me then, light straining to reach you through all that space, all that time on the other side warped your head into a gladiator arena and you shadow boxed with your father there every night, some nights when nothing plays through the speakers but static I can hear you still begging for mercy but, I can't be bothered to sort out who deserves what anymore, not while the streets still burn and the sky swallows itself whole, yes, I remember now, I remember everything

II.
You and I are one,
We are only as real as our memory, and once we have forgotten this so too will we be forgotten,
I cannot separate myself from you,
I can only judge myself by relation,
Some days this anchors me, grounds me in a definitive state of being and presence,
Some days it sends me spiraling, careening wildly over the edge into abysses I can't hope to perceive entirely,
Most days it is all I have - that connection,
A tether to a fixed point, from which we can waltz eternally together as the moon discards her changing skins, the sun weeps blazing tears of guilt, and the world crumples and fades around us like so many unused sketches in a notebook,
When the music stops, we will fall where we stand, but until then we dance

III.
In visions I rise from the machinery of a home and into the wild night,
Explosive and immaterial, on a collision course with all the heavenly bodies of wanting,
Cataclysmic chain reactions and massive shifts,
Humbling change and mystic power,
I became dangerous when I realized I already possessed all the weapons I could ever need,
And I went to war just to prove I could win

IV.
I have been the Magician, uncertain brilliance channeled into futile cycles of rise and relapse,
I have traded tongues with the Devil, promising freedom in exchange for empty fates,
I have defied the Hierophant, walked the path of strife to the edge of the Earth and ****** off into the void
I have fallen from the Tower, broken my crown on the rock faces of total loss and returned ever the more vicious,
I walk now in the light of the Star, certain only in my own electric possibility,
I walk now with my hands intertwined like the Lovers, into the dark to illuminate whatever awaits and burn it clean

V.
You and I walk together in the night, across the vivid dreamscape of a world historic stage, our skin opalescent and shining,
The sky sings of Providence and the dirt remembers spring,
When next we decide to plant our monuments into it,
We would do well to remember the taste of gratitude after a bitter harvest,
When we bite into the first fruit to reach our lips unspoiled and sweet,
We will cry, a healing rain that falls all over this land,
And something will grow there,
Something beautiful and everlasting,
And it will be ours,
And we will find peace in it,
And until then,
We will tend to the flowers of this world, and dream of a new and glorious one,
It is the least we can do

Wide awake, hyperreal,
Drifting in and out and back, daze of dopamine and clouds of smoke curled up in your fingers and around your neck,
I can't help myself,
Cross myself beneath a bloodred sky, seven times for each sea and continent,
Close my eyes and I disappear into the space, I become formless and liquid and I dance across the room in perfect repose,
I solidify somewhere in your shadow, nervous silhouette naked against an electric backdrop, become tangled up in the nuclear fusion of a kiss, tongues tracing bones and bones buzzing hallelujahs for the street lamps to fall asleep to,
Heavy daze, marijuana moonlight, thick as liquor dripping down my neck just like, just like, just like honey, honey, what strong teeth you have,
You're hyperreal in this light,
I can taste your battery acid veins from here,
Like sweat and wine and fragrance,
Sweet energy, sugar cane,
Dreams and cosmic visions,
Starlight, starlight, come into me
Fill this space and ignite this body,
Listen to the sky, they're playing our song,
Shoot me again cause my soul is still dancing,
I lean close, heat and static,
I whisper in your ear,
All that is solid melts into air,
All that is holy is profaned,
Let us desecrate this earth,
Let us bring gods to tears

Dark energy, mangled head space, recollections of fear and loss, love in the abstract, undefinable characteristics and no direction - future and present tense, tense, building up begging for release, a prisoner awaits punishment, a martyr is being born, when we know we know and when we don't we pretend, where is the future in all this, there is so much space and no anchor, adrift in a great abyss I saw them brilliant and pulsing, saints of a mystic power, in service to something incomprehensibly beautiful, I'm waiting here for a sign, some kind of blood or some kind of contract, I'm levitating off the ground, endless fire and unholy machinations, waking light on the pale skin of southern girls and I remember, I remember the way she cut through the tension and kissed blood and fire into all the ghosts haunting my body, it was the greatest magic trick I've ever seen, the separation of nervous brain and holy self, the unconquerable will of the unconscious shining through the leaves of trees and heavy clouds spurned by moonlight, I'm enraptured like this and swallowed whole, it is so easy to be consumed by all that context, trauma and bliss, dancing slow around an ever-exploding star, ******* what a light show they'll think of us, I think of Los Angeles and her bleeding sidewalks, I think of San Diego and her unmarked graves, I think of Chicago splitting its seams and revolutionaries all around, we're all praying for an end, we're all praying to get off the ride, we're all out here, we're all starving for something, I wanna know what your disease tastes like, I want to become so powerful I consume everything, I want something real, I want and that makes me alive, let me see where this leads

I. Depression
Hollowed out black eyes pale skin,
Cigarettes for breakfast lunch and dinner,
You, are powerless here
You with your weak wrists and shaking hands,
You with your bones so fragile,
You with your light all burned out,
Drink in the dark, and descend

II. Dysphoria
What shape is this?
Bloated, rotting, gutted
You with your twisted spine,
You with your unnatural proportions,
You with your haunting figure,
Get sick, carve out your insides and replace them with slow burning candles,
Empty out until nothing is left,
Do not spare anything for the child you were,
Down here, we all starve

III. Surrender
This is what you are worth,
You, with your nausea heart,
You, with your revolving door head,
You, with your deafening absence,
Press that brand into your skin,
Mark yourself forever for your weakness,
Wrap yourself up in it like it is the only home you've ever known,
And sink, until you are strong enough to rise

Strange morning haze in a fog of unreality, certainty of feeling and liquidation of bodies, I think of you awake from your wine drenched slumber and holy, steeled and ready, as you piece together alibis from the latex wreckage of nights spent in bliss, I think of you as I watch the hills roll on towards eternity over a bright Kentucky horizon, and I think of all those people caught somewhere between here and there, I think I am one of them now and it is a blessing to be, I feel blessed to wake and breathe in the fumes of your ever burning engine, wheels pointed towards a future you dared to come, and as I watch you blaze across that sky I am reminded that to feel is to echo, and to echo is to live forever, and if that is my fate then I will storm this burning heaven and teach its flames how to dance

I come before you,
As nothing in particular,
A great and tangled mass of feeling and want,
Something undefinable and abstract,
A question you can't answer,
I can't answer,
I know what you want it to mean,
And I don't know how to be that,
I only know how to be other,
I only know how to be outside,
A box you hesitate before checking,
A few seconds of doubt before you fall asleep,
I am a living Rorschach test,
What do you see here?
Something with weak wrists and skinny legs,
Too much hair and not enough ****,
All stomach, no guts,
Too much expression and not enough substance,
All mirror, no heart,
Some days, I'm a field of your mothers favorite flowers, sweet and delicate and light,
Some days, I'm your father's rifle, cold and brutal and everything you were ever right to fear,
The truth is, I can't tell you what I'm made of today,
I can only tell you that whatever you're thinking is wrong,
Today I am too much energy and not enough direction,
Today I am certain only in uncertainty
Today I will look in the mirror and I will see no damage,
No man, no woman,
No father, mother
Son, daughter
Husband, wife
I will see no evil at all,
And so I ask you again,
What do you see?

Azrael Azrael sweet angel death, send your body unto me, let me partake of ritual and rise, flawless and enraptured, into burning sky and hysteria

Pink haired staccato speech acid tripped tongues and twisted mouths you were conflicted, you were conflicted you were and then you weren't

Fallout of frat house suicide party remixed to ****** birth, holy degradation raise your weak and trembling wrists and want for more

Opiod mass epidemic and rising real estate costs, everybody wants a ride on the wheel until it drops off and takes everything in the periphery with it

I'm singing, I'm singing Mary mother dear Mary, will you come to reclaim me, I have waited here forever for a sign

Can you feel this, lover?
I am your death mask
I am your ghost and I speak through you
Kiss me hard with your open Judas mouth
Pray forgiveness into me
Cauterize me
**** me like an open wound
*** into oblivion and never wash your hands again

I am vessel
Open mouth begging hands
Drain into me so I may exist

Empty spaces in childhood bedrooms,
Abscess of feeling **** of spirit
Pure ******* energy
Siren call of the solipsists and the narcissists and the junkies at the church and the poets at the bar and the once sacred twice ****** ego
Nihilist **** and surrealist *****
Somebody has to clean up all this mess

Hit a last high and coast down, come together, shatter
Natural symmetry of becoming and unbecoming
We are working towards an end we will never see

But I can almost feel it coming, yes
I can feel it rise
Christlike and bleeding from the tomb of want,
Raise me, raise me,
Sanctify and cure
Strip me to naked soul ******, light
Light, heat, beginning, beginning,
Send me higher
Send me infinite and screaming into a moment, world historic and vicious, let me emerge ****** but alive, steel and gunpowder

Take me in all my pieces,
Ash tongue to golden hair,
Magician to magic,
Life to death to back again,
Take me by my cinder burning hands,
and teach them how to explode