I just want
To kiss that
Scar
On your lip

But
I won't
I shouldn't
I can't

She sits at the window sill
Staring out at the night

Counting
Scars

Music that will turn you
Into a slobbering, broken, beautiful mess
While your arms lie stretched over the keys
Shaking, shivering uncontrollably
And your throat is tied tight, restricted

That is my favorite kind

The beat
It lives inside of me
It thrives inside of me
It moves and breathes
And throbs
Underneath my skin

When I set it free
This wild beat
When I let it go
This ravenous beat

It can't be stopped
I can't be stopped

I think it's about time
Yes
It's time to release this beat

My fingers gently cradle my wooden weapons of art
And nothing
No one
Stands in my way
With a satisfying thud of the bass
I begin

Soon,
I am lost
Floating
Falling
Screaming
Burning
But it's good
I am on fire
And it feels good
My world is spinning
The lights flicker
My vision blurs
But somehow, my limbs find their way
They know their way
In and among this chaos
The beat crashes down on top of me
Shattering over my head
The splinters of this beat
They fly
And stick
All over my body
Embedded beneath my nails
Stuck in my side
This beat
It is growing
In size
In strength
In intensity
It cannot be contained
It splashes up
Splattering my arms
Licking my legs
Sliding down my chest

And
Suddenly
It's all

Okay

You were right
Last night, I was close

But when I asked
You said
Of course
Like it was a definite thing
Like it was something I could count on
Not just then
But always

You were there

You didn't let go
You wouldn't let go
And in that moment
That was what I needed
The most

I can't stand that I feel this way
I absolutely hate it
These feelings
These stupid, selfish feelings
This jealousy
This stupid, selfish jealousy
And I hate that I hate it
Because
I have no excuse
No reason
To be down on myself
No reason
For this boiling hatred
All around me I see God
Working through people
Attempting to touch me
But it's like I'm wearing a shield
And no one can get in
They are knocking, shaking, reaching
To break through
But their path has been blocked
They have tried to shatter this shield from a multitude of angles
But I have stood my ground
Strong and stubborn
Now though
They're ready to give up
And it's all my fault

I am living in this
Vicious, never-ending,
*******
Circle
Of self hate
And I hate it

But I can't seem to find a way to escape

I can feel myself shutting down
Again
And I hate it
I want to speak
But I can't seem to wrangle my thoughts into coherency
My words are
Lodged
Caught
Stuck
In the depths of my throat
My feelings have
Overloaded
Jammed themselves
Into the crevices of my brain
With no plans of making an appearance

Please
Make it stop

Crack me open
Guide me

Help me

Sometimes, I grip my pen
So tight
My fingernails
Dig deep
Leaving behind cavernous indents
The remains of desperate claws
Marring the intricacies of my palm
A reminder to hold on
An indicator of what happens when
You let go

Sometimes, I write
So fast
With so much intensity
So much emotion
So much urgency
My pen
Catches and
Rips
Right through the page

But it's better.

It's better
To break through my paper with my pen
Than to slice through my skin with my blade

Everyday I have the choice
I make this choice
The pen
Or the blade

And today
I choose the pen

Because
One day
Someday
Out of all this
Ripping
Breaking
Slicing
Will come
Something

New

Sometimes I can't handle being inside my skin
I want to break out of this cell
The walls, the ceiling, the floor
They're closing in on me
These bars are pressing into my side
My stomach is going to burst
All I want is to
Rip out my brain
And tear out my thoughts

But I can't move.

What if
His words weren't actually
What caused the hurt
But instead
It was just simply
The truth
That did it
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
That he will
Always
Tell you the truth
Always.
The truth that
He is honest with you
All the time
The truth that
You have been
More than real with him
So he is giving you back
Even more than you gave
The truth that
He is not
Just another
He is different
The truth that
He has professed
Time and time again
He loves you

And you love him too.

No, his words
The way he said it
That wasn't okay
But boys can be stupid
He never promised to be eloquent or graceful
He never promised to say
All the right things
At all the right times
And I don't think that's even what you want
But he has promised you
The gift of
Honesty
To treat you like a person
Not a princess
To grace you with
Nothing but
The truth
That he cares
That he loves you

And you don't really know
What to do with it
But you care too

That's the truth

They say the truth is hard
That the truth,
It hurts
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
And it stung

It's still stinging

But I think you finally saw it
At least,
I hope you see it

But you can't just see it
And ignore it
Pretending you're blind, deaf, devoid of feeling
It won't work
Because it won't stop stinging
Until you accept it
Until you embrace it
This despised
This wonderful

Truth

I'm trash
But I'm no longer floating aimlessly upon the breeze
People have come along
Picked me up
And placed me
Right
Where I belong

Deep green
Brown, blue, gold flecks
Explode from inside the green
The flecks, they lay immersed in the green
Floating, dancing
These green eyes,
Her eyes,
They stand open
Wide
Huge on a tiny, precious face
They stare
Then they dart
Taking in the room
Watching
Questioning

Long, dark eyelashes outline
These deep green eyes
And they flicker
Down
Up
Down
Up

Her delicate curls are pulled back
Carefully, lovingly
Into two messy pigtails

Her lips
Full, pink, soft
Slightly parted
They lie silent
Thoughts begin to flood her brain
Words begin to overflow into the depths of her mouth
Soon they reach her tongue
Sliding, slipping
Begging to be free
But no sound escapes
Quickly, her lips close
Tight
And these lips
They hold off the wave
Yes, her lips are
Still
Pushed together
Firmly, determined

Her hands
So small, so fragile
These hands
Grasp at the edges of her shirt and
Slowly, gently,
Peel it off her skinny torso
Leaving her chest exposed and
Cold
Deliberately, her fingers undo the button
On her tie dye jean shorts
And her shorts, they
Fall
Cascading down
Landing in a pile at her ankles
And her hands
Those tiny, fragile hands

They clench into fists

And those lips
Those full, pink, soft lips
They press together
Harder
And those pigtails
Those carefully, lovingly placed pigtails
Are violently ripped out
By the hands of a monster
And now
Her curls
Her delicate curls
They plummet down the sides of her face
Settling against her cheeks
Shadowing her eyes
Those deep green eyes
That squeeze shut
As the voice of the monster cuts through the air
And on her command
His fingers
With painstaking exactness
Burn their way up her calf
To the inside of her thigh
And still
Up
Farther
They go

Yes, she closes her eyes
Her deep green eyes
And her small hands
They unclench
And then reach up
And cover her ears

Just like that
Her world turns dark
And silent

With all that I am,
Thank you.
Thank you for caring

I wish I could fully show you
Just how much it means

I have always appreciated clothes
To me,
They mean protection
They cover me
They keep me safe
They provide a layer,
A barrier
Between me and you

But here I am
Standing in front of you
Naked
Every inch of my body
Every piece of my soul
Bared for you to see
Open, willing to be examined
Exposed
Naked
So naked

But

It's not even weird
It's not even awkward
You still look at me
You still treat me
The same
Everything has changed
But yet, nothing has changed

And that is incredibly unnerving

I am standing here
Naked
So naked
But safe
Yes, so safe
I am standing here naked
But it is this safety,

This safety is the part that terrifies me

We struggle with the Earth.
Everyday,
We struggle
Against the Earth
Until eventually,
It wins
It swallows us up
Despite our most valiant endeavors,
It eats us.
Even if we give our very best effort,
It takes us.
In the end,
No matter what we do
The Earth still prevails
The Earth will prevail

Which is why
Sometimes
I wonder
Why?
Why do we even
Try?
Why do we spend so much time,
Invest so much energy,
Into trying
Into struggling
Against a beast of an opponent,
A beast
We know
We can't beat
Why struggle
If
We know
We are fighting
A losing battle
If
We know
The only outcome
Holds no victory for us

For only time lies between me
And the meal of this terrible beast,
When his gnashing teeth will come
And devour me
And I will become
Just another
Nameless, faceless, helpless
Victim
Of the Earth
So what are we waiting for?
Why drag it out?
Why struggle?

I don't get it

It just doesn't seem
Worth it

Please
Please give me a reason
Tell me
Why
Why it's worth it

Worship to me is to be set free
Fully liberated
Completely cleansed
From things in my life that
Hurt me
Anger me
Distract me
Worship to me is to get on my knees and praise my God
My God who is above all things
Worship to me is not just singing,
Not just banging on keys or drums
But to honestly accept that He is my King
To believe with every fiber of my being
That He has overcame and through Him,
So can I
Worship sheds a brilliant light into my darkest corners
Worship to me is knowing,
Knowing with all my heart that I will be alright
Worship to me is receiving his grace
Worship to me is not something you do in one place or at one time
No,
Worship to me is a lifestyle
Worship to me is giving up my will and letting his be done
Worship to me is honoring his Son
Worship to me is a reminder to the devil
That no matter how hard he tries
There's no way he will ever get on my level

I have begun to free myself from the bottle
I no longer spend my time
Toiling away
Exhausting myself at the hands of this painstaking process
Of pushing my soul through the neck
And then shoving a cork in after it
So that nothing can possibly seep through

Yes,
I'm done with that.
I'm tired of that.

But underlying the bubbling explosion of my sentiments
Sits the apprehension
Silently nudging me,
Telling me
That I should stop,
I should stop shaking the bottle
That I should have never spent so much energy,
I never should have looked
So hard
For the corkscrew

When the bubbles finish rising
Out of this inadequate container,
What is left, will be less
Much less

And I'm not sure
If that is any better

You know that feeling?
When you are running down a steep hill
And then,
All of the sudden
The air just kind of
Catches you
Your legs give out underneath you
Your arms flail,
Striking the sky in every direction
This feeling?
That's what it feels like when you lose control
Gravity grabs a hold of you
The only things left in your existence
Are the air and the momentum
In this moment,
You have no choice but to tumble
Head over heels you go
And there's nothing
Not a single thing
You can do about it

Technically,
You stole my virginity
But I still haven't had ***

What you did to me,
That wasn't ***.
That was
Violent,
Intoxicated,
Hard,
Rough,
Fast,
Dry,
*****
*******.
You ****** me.
Without my permission,
You ****** me.

*** is
Passionate,
Heated,
Intimate,
Exhilarating,
Pleasure,
Touching­,
Experiencing,
Loving

*** is intentional
*** is consensual

*** is a beautiful thing
Designed by God
To bring us together
To bring us fullness
To bring us completeness

*** is
Everything
You didn't do to me

I've thought about it
Millions of times
How I could
Get back at you
How I could
Show you,
Make you understand,
What you did to me

I would see you in the halls
And my hatred would
Boil up
Hot, seething, pounding,
Underneath my skin
Threatening to break through
To burst forth
Out of my veins
And spill
All over the floor
Saturating the carpet
Down the stairs
Covering the railings
Seeping, slipping, slithering
Until it reached you
Until it engulfed you
And then,
The hands of my hatred,
These hands
They would
Slowly, carefully, painfully
Strangle
Your *****, ******* neck

But no,
I never did anything
I pushed away these
Horrible, murderous
Visions, thoughts, fantasies
And I never did anything

I never did anything
And
I don't plan to

Because I realized that
No amount of fiery, furious words
Would ever even start
To compare
To the damage you did to me
No amount of rage-filled actions
Would ever even start
To bring about
Justice

I am bigger than that
I am better than that
So much better than that

I will overcome
I can overcome
I have overcame
I will succeed in life
I can succeed in life
I have succeeded in life

In spite of you.

You may have taken my innocence
But you can't take my spirit

Today I stand

I am so blessed
I have so much joy
I am surrounded by so much love

Today I stand

Dented, bruised
But
Beautiful,
Absolutely beautiful
A creation only God
Could have possibly hand-crafted

Today I stand

Smiling
Happy
Alive

Today I stand
Strong
In spite of you

Talk about revenge

This sense
Is forever changed for me
Forever changed,
Inside of me

It has been
Utterly wrecked
Completely stolen
Thoroughly clawed
Ripped
Out of my body

My whole life
I have been confused by
Touch
I have been misled by
Touch
I have been deceived by
Touch
I have been violated by
Touch
I have been irreversibly
Hurt
By
Touch

So I don't let
Anyone
Touch
Me

But,
For some inexplicable reason,
Your
Touch
Is different.

When you hug me
When you lay close
And pull me in
And put your head on my shoulder
And wrap your arms around me
I feel
Incredibly,
Indescribably,
Safe.

In the past
I have pushed myself
And forced myself to
Touch
To hug
To show my love
But the whole time
It's painful
The whole time
I am fighting
My mind is

Screaming

Stop.
Run.
Get out.
But my body stays
Because I so desperately
Desire
For it to feel normal
And right
To enjoy it
To be like everyone else
For
Once

But with you
I don't have to fight
I don't feel like I am going to
Explode
If I don't run
If I don't escape
Opening up to you
It's easy
It's comfortable
I say things
I've never said
And I'm not afraid
It feels good
I've known you for a sliver of this life
But I trust you
Like you've always been here
When I'm talking to you
When you're holding me
I feel
So safe
So protected
So secure
So content
So loved

And it scares the **** out of me.

Because never,
Never has
Touch
Felt this way

I do not understand.

And that's why I ask you
To leave
That's why sometimes
I distance myself
Because after awhile
I can't handle it
I need a break
From your

Unsettling safety

I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I didn't want you to find out that way
I meant to tell you
I wanted to tell you
But I push down my bad memories
I shove them away
Into the farthest most desolate corners of my mind
And I pretend to forget.
On purpose,
I desperately attempt to forget.
It's the only way I know how to cope
I never talk about my past,
Because I fear talking
I fear it
So, so much
So instead, I write
Because my thoughts come out so much easier,
More fluid,
More clear,
And then,
You can't see my tears

It's not your fault
This is all on me
I never let anyone touch me
Let alone get close
So no,
Please don't blame yourself
It's not you
It's me

You are not uncaring
You are one of the most caring people I have ever met
Your not selfish either
Please don't say that.
Your words, your stories,
They mean a lot
Yes,
I struggle with some things,
But so do you,
My struggles don't make yours
Any less real
Any less important

J,
You are an awesome person
Truly an amazing friend
I'm sorry
I haven't been the same back

I'm sorry.

So many people
With so much hurt
So many problems
Here's a blank, insert

Struggling with issues
Far greater than mine
Experiences, thoughts, feelings
All intertwined

So who am I,
Who am I to complain?
To whine?
When what I have
In comparison
Is pure, unfiltered
Sunshine

My worst?
My low?
My bottom?
Go back a few years,
You will find a fourteen-year-old girl
She looks like she has everything.
Incredibly gifted by God
Athletic, musical, lots of friends
An awesome family, a loving family
She gets A’s
She makes the Varsity team
She goes to church every Sunday
She seems happy
She smiles
She laughs

But these are empty smiles
This laughter is empty laughter

She is an actress
A good actress
She plays her role
With grace
With perfection

But when she climbs into bed at night
She slips under her sheets
And everything but satisfaction meets her where she lies
Her mind is bombarded
Her thoughts are stuck on repeat
Playing the same suicide song over and over
Again.
And again.
And again.
The thoughts come.
Unwanted,
They come.
Hard and fast,
They come.

She fights it.
She fights hard.

But they eat at her.
They gnaw at her insides,
And they won’t give up.

So she goes to find her release

She silently makes her way to the bathroom
And slowly, carefully
She begins

The blade hits her pale skin
And the pain,
Oh, the sweet, sweet pain
It erupts.
It explodes.
It envelops her in a blanket of protection
For the moment,
She is safe.
She is free from the thoughts
This pain has freed her

And satisfaction is what she feels
A satisfaction she feels from nothing else
This satisfaction,
It feels so **** good
So **** right
She desperately desires more
So she digs
Deeper
Harder
One more

Slice

And the pain,
It pours from her thin, shaking body
But the satisfaction,
It is just as great
And this is what she longs for,
This satisfaction
This sick,
This twisted,
Satisfaction

She is done now
Methodically she cleans up the blood
The remains of a self-massacre
The remains of her bath in blades

Suddenly,
There is a boy.
Standing in the doorway,
There is a boy
Her brother
His eyes catch hers
He knows
He speaks no words
Neither does she
But he comes
He sits behind her,
Around her
And his arms,
They wrap around her
They hold her
And then she cries
Not just tears,
But sobs,
Sobs that rob her of her sight,
Sobs that take control of her body,
But he is there.
Holding her,
Loving her,
Telling her that she is worth it,

Saving her life.

There is this pain in my heart
It doesn't go away
A darkness that lurks
That I push down, I bury
But it always finds its way up
In the background, it lies
Struggling towards the surface
Dormant
Yet, Alive
Black tentacles grip tight
And down I go
Even on my happiest of days
The darkness,
Well,
It shows.

Some days I can bare it
Other days I wish to die
Some nights I can ignore it
Other nights I just cry

There is nothing more I know of that I can do
Except put on smile, laugh lots, love all
And pray,
Pray hard.
Pray with conviction.
Pray with zeal.
Pray that God will subdue
All of these feelings, all of this pain
And I hope,
I hope with all that I am
That one day, it will leave me
And never come back
Until then I shall walk around
Pretending
My heart isn't tainted,
Oh no,
It's not a shade of black

Here I stand
In the aftermath of the chaos
The hall that once held the heat of your anger
Now lays empty

Your screams have been replaced by a rich silence
A silence that permeates the walls
A silence that circulates the rooms
Of the house
You no longer call home
A silence that slices through the concealed hurt
And reveals the pain
That is still,
So fresh

Love him.
Please.

Take a chance.
Have faith.
Leap.
Let go of your doubts, your reservations
And just go,
Go for it.
Please.

I know you don't want to.
I know you don't want to hurt him.
I know you don't want to get hurt again.
I'm not going to even start to pretend I fully understand
But I get it,
It's ******* terrifying

But he deserves it
Yes,
He deserves a chance.
He deserves you
And more importantly,
You deserve him

Around each other,
You both become better versions of yourselves
You light up
He lights up

No, he's not exactly what you pictured
But God never promised picture perfect
Sometimes His plan is entirely different
Than the plan you had imagined

And it's okay

I think you know this.
All of this.

So why are you still fighting?
You don't always have to be
The one in control,
The one who cares more,
The one who loves more

You were hurt
Bad
Actually,
Your heart was violently thrown at the ground
And the pieces?
They flew everywhere.
The hurt?
The hesitations?
They makes sense.
But he is willing,
He is ready.
To love you fully
To love you freely
With all his heart

So what are you waiting for?

Humble yourself
And let him fix you
Let him destroy the hurt
And replace it with a love
So big,
So all-encompassing,
You can't even begin to imagine it
Let him show you
The compassion you deserve
The respect you deserve
The love you deserve

You have to believe
He is not going to disappoint you.
He is not going to hurt you.
He is not going to leave.
He is going to love you,
Forever.

So please,
Love him.

No.
Stop.
You can't do that.

In one breath
you tell me how much your girl means to you
In the next breath
you tell me that you are attracted to my best friend
In the moment after
you look me in the eyes, lean in, and try to kiss me

And I slap you.

Because you're confused
And hurting
And I love you

Because that's not okay.

Oh,
And if you wanted to mess with me,
Well,
Congratulations,
You succeeded.

It was all a fantasy
A feverish, fast, incredible dream
Your hand reaching for mine
Your lips slowly slipping their way down my torso
Hot against my skin
Igniting my insides
Your fingers, running through my hair
Your smile, crooked, but so **** cute
Our talks,
so deep
so raw
so real

But it wasn't real
None of it, not a second, not a single word
It was a terrible, wretched, ******* lie
And I knew it.
All along I knew it.

But I played along
I let you in
I trusted you
I believed you
Because in that moment,
It felt good
It felt right

People warned me about you, I had heard all the stories
But I thought you were different
I gave you a chance
Because you made me believe you deserved one
Because I wanted so badly to believe,
To believe that I was different than those other girls
That you had changed
That we, together, were unique

You told me I was beautiful,
You told me that my laugh made you smile,
So I laughed more
And you smiled more
You made me jello jiggler santas in June
We ate the whole tray
and we ripped their heads off
and we thought it was the funniest thing in the whole world
You opened doors for me
You kissed me in the rain
You would hug me like you never wanted to let me go  
You listened so attentively
You were so sweet
So genuine

You did everything so right
But it was the farthest thing thing from right
It was so wrong
You are so wrong
I was so wrong

You held my heart in your hands
And then you dropped it
No.
Scratch that.
You threw it, chucked it
You hurled it violently into the wind
Not caring how or where it landed
And it shattered
A million unanswered promises left blowing in every direction

And no one even knew.

I want to make a list
Of everything,
All the things,
You hate about yourself.
All the imperfections,
You think
You have
But don't.

And then destroy it
Tear it apart
Rip.
Shred.
Annihilate it.

Along with the very idea
of hating anything about yourself

You are surrounded by amazing people,
People who love you to the ends of this earth
And these people,
They care about you
More than you will ever know

And then there's God
He's here
He's everywhere
And He loves you too
With a crazy, unfathomable love

So quit telling yourself that you are nothing
Because you are everything
Except nothing

You are appreciated
You are loved
Your life is worth it

You are beautiful
Everywhere
All over
Outside
Inside
Yes, you
*You are so beautiful

I'm slipping into nothing
Into everything

With every sound not heard
I slide
Further down,
Alone,
Disappearing,
Forgotten

I'm losing my whole world
To the silence of my cries

There's so much I should say
So many thoughts
Words waiting to tumble
But I just can't let it flow

It's too early; it's too fresh.

If I say it all out loud
I can't take it back

It will be stranded in the air
Splattered above me,
Hanging.
Heavy.
Weighing down the atmosphere,
Beyond repair.