Momma turned fifty yesterday
I'm old I'm lost
the sun sets, the June bug dies
and as it goes so does the world
I stare into the twilight
it scorches my eyes
I burn yet I am cold
I shiver. I turn and cling to the past
The early years
the days that make you
they were terrible years
I miss them
The precious days of youth
so small so small
it meant nothing, yet they left scars
scars that run deep
I wish I could forget them, I wish I was free
it still hurts. It will always hurt
There have been many of which I've occupied my time
they create me, they desert me
many do I miss, none would I resort
I've learned to just walk away. So it goes.
we weep for the dead
they lay by the lake
their spirit guides me
my rented parents
with all my heart I miss you and love you
we marvel at the miracle of life
we long for the innocence of childhood,
we drown in the bliss of love
I think of how ugly and awful it all is
Forget your magic
there is no magic
we wait for it
you pray to your gods
the sparks, the fire, the magic
we wait for it, it never comes
there is no magic, there is no magic
we have visions of life, none of which match
we look back on our idyllic past
a past that never was
we had childhood dreams
we held them so close, so dear
we lose our focus
we disappoint the boy
we have visions of life, none of which match
yet we survive
we attach meaning to our suffering
we attach lessons to our losses
somehow we make it all work
we make it all make sense
but all we really ever learn and know is loss
We are not saved.
We are not comforted. We are alone
A bumbling laughable Klutz
marching in a parade of horribles
tragedies and travesties,
a comedy for the divine
we are allowed the blissful glimpses
the flashes of happiness
we take it and we go. We fill the gaps
the glue that binds the madness
the crushing cruel helping hand of hope
the foundation shakes, the axis wobbles
and as we speak
the woods are burning
its raging bright, its rage is fierce
its time to make a move
it's time to be more
with the uneasy anxious inspiration
we search for strength
but we lack that strength
its easier to pretend
to conjure a lazy man's spin
got to be more, got to be more
we push forward, we dig deeper, we fall further
we feel deeply and we hurt deeper
but we continue to push
we push until the day that we face the final embrace
where we gain nothing but finality.
Still no magic. No payoff
What we searched for in life, we don't find in death.
we bid adeu. we are wished a goodnight.
Goodnight my love, now you can rest.
Drafted in 1992