My child
Not a child anymore
beautiful, perfect.
Your smile makes my whole world change.
Your happiness, your sadness a part of me.
If only I could make it different for you.
If only I could start over.
Start over and make me perfect to you once again.
One day I will be.
Be perfect.

Will it ever happen?
Will I ever be forgiven for the things I have done, for the changes I have put you through.
If you knew my heart aches every moment for what I have done to you,
How I have hurt you
Dismissing you.
I do not mean it
Never meant to hurt you
Never meant to change
I used to be perfect, only in your eyes.

Life, it hits you.
Harder and harder.
Some days you wonder if you will get back up.
What will happen if you don't.
Lots of things.
My child will be sad.
My dogs wont get walked.
No one will eat.
Bills will not be paid.
No one will laugh.
No one will cry.
Crying is for me, my talent.
How did I get here?
LIFE
Life. This is it.
Accept yours and move on.
It can only get better.
Right?

No more talking, no more begging.
No more wondering.
No more hoping.
It is gone now.
The talking, the begging, the wondering, the hoping.
Its over now.
A distant memory.
Never mattered anyway.
All that mattered was you.
You.
It is insanity, the feelings one can have. Empty feelings that were just me.
All in my mind.
My mind.
My mind playing tricks on me?
Tricks playing mind games?
Manipulation?
Humiliation.
Just me humiliating myself
Humiliation or Manipulation?

If you only knew
My heart aches
The sadness unbearable
The lies
We never did this invisible to you
What happened can not talk to you
Only anger between us
My heart aches how I miss us
You will never understand the love I have for you
Unhealthy but necessary.
I know you realize
I can tell by your walk
You know my pain, egnore it.
Nobody knows the ache I have for you
My best friend
I love you. Forever.

Mistakes
One after the other.
Trying to fix them.
Exhausting.
Forgiving yourself easy.
Others forgiving you not so easy.
Mistakes?
How long do we call them that till we realize they are called **** UPS and can not be taken back.
EVER....

You ever feel that?
Stomach turning for what you have done, felt like doing or following through?
The next day you ask yourself why?
What made me this way?
A person I do not recognize anymore.
Someone who reacts and just flows with the go.
Or is is it goes with the flow?
Just a shell of a person I once knew.
Will I find her again?
Wish she would come back to me.
Perfect mother, perfect friend, perfect wife.
Maybe that is it.
No one can be perfect.
I tried too hard.
Someday this person I was will will appear to me.
Come back and make me feel whole again.
One day I will not make decisions based on anyone else and their desires or what I think will make them happy.
Now I can think clear, what about me, the shell is hard, it is empty can not be reborn.
Just a empty shell.

When times are rough..
I look at you.
I remember why I do all the things I do.
I remember your unwavering love for me...
I remember the day you looked in my eyes and I said FOREVER..
You and me kid.
I remember the first time you needed Nikes so you could run faster and you won that ribbon.
It was not the shoes but your incredible courage.
I remember all the times I have let you down...
You smile and say it is okay mommy...
Five minutes later...
You remind me that you love me.
I love you...
Today I got out of bed because of you.
One day at a time..
You and me kid. FOREVER.

We were close tonight.
Perhaps unhealthy.
My love for you undying wish I KNEW why
Somehow okay
My love is undying for you.
Never will end
Even if we do.

_Thank you everyone for reading if you ever loved someone that it hurt you get it.

So many things unsaid
Pretending its just fine.
Wonderful you are.
At least to me.
Anger boils throughout time wondering if it was all just a game.
Silly game we played called friendship.
Where did it go?
Where do we go from here?
Nowhere. That time has passed, I have begun to accept it.
No longer agonizingly painful.
Almost completely forgotten, what we once were.
Never going to let it happen to me again.
This thing called love.