Into the darkness I tread hanging on by a thread ready to snap at a moments notice.
Egg shells no longer hold what was once threefold and my heart cries out to thee,
the hopeless mind and the rewinding of time always remind him of me. My thoughts so random and the actions so rapid I don't always know what will happen.

I feel souless at times due to others stupidity but I always find a way to ground myself, for I am in control of all that surrounds me I give this power to no one else.
I can hear persons heart beat when they are inches away do you find this to hard to believe, know that lies are irrelevant because I do not tell them because I know what it is to conceive. Conceive the thoughts that run through my mind and try to fix me up well now I having withdrawals and the glass is half empty someone please fill up my cup.

I will not submit to these terms so therefore I can not accept them. You come into my life and completely lift me up just to bring me back down because you feel I'm not ready. Baby when my heart stopped hurting for another and started beating for you I was more than ready.  My shattered soul became whole. The clots of blood surrounding my heart began to thin out and pump fresh new cells that were once jailed.
The scars were fading and my mind became stable.  
And for all of this I was in love with you.


Then disaster struck. But I will persist in my adventure of becoming yours again.
Watch and see.

Unfortunately it did not last and all was brought to an end. I did the things I did before I was deep within.
In love with you this is true but you were not with me, so I was left out in the dark to discover infidelity.

This is that story:
Pulling away from me he did and I did not know what to do. I tried and tried and tried but could not get through.
A wall so strong nothing could ever penetrate it, not even the truth from my mouth that I could save myself from it.
The "it" I speak of was the actions I took to feel complete knowing deep down they were all temporary.The thought of another caressing my body was there but soon after I took action and became ensnared.
My heart desires were so unfulfilled and I could not understand train of thoughts or if they were even real.
His hand grabbed me close and my eyes lit up like fire for the flesh I was giving was to burn up with desire.
Naked I was on top of another man while mine lie asleep just in the next room unaware of selfish cans.
I can do this and not feel bad because of our constant bickering but that was false and the body became tainted my hands were so sticky. Sticky with the guilt that I let another defile me the way that you use to do, only it was right because you were mine and I belonged to you. Where did we go wrong this I do not know but the flesh is speaking and the bed is squeaking so please just let me go. Let me go be with the ones that do want me. The many hands that graze my chest and grab my **** is countless to the naked eye but the naked body remembers the input of those whom were let in and some how I choose to die. Die a little inside for this is all new to me, to cheat on the man I love with more than one company. And now you have moved on and my heart is broken in two for it was you whom held it all along now i don't know what to do.

I disrespected and betrayed your trust but you played your part too so I say this last line in the remembrance of you.
I forgive you and I forgive myself for a grudge is not healthy whenever you realize the power of lust only then will you see.

Blessed be.

Old-Self   :D

By: Travis R. K. Sanders

Part 1
Ok so most of you think you know who I am and what I am about because you may hang out or communicate with me on a day to day basis but you don’t know anything. Fiend and slave to my body. How the urges are so powerful and how everything else quickly becomes irrelevant. Almost like living a double life but this is who I am and there is no escape. Sleeping with the enemy of the enemies. Uncontrollable and over-powering this ****** desire can be. Finish with one maybe two then moving on to two or three more. What kind of life is this for the beautiful and brilliant mind of such a insecure and vulnerable Virgo? Maybe it has to do with not having a father and I need comfort? Maybe I am over sexed and need it all the time or maybe I am looking for that someone to call my own? I don’t know what it is but it is filthy, ***** and disgusting that I give myself to so many others and have a hard time turning down those who wish to give themselves to me. Is it the lifestyle I live? Being a homosexual man. Surely not all homosexuals are overtly ****** and are in need of some type of ****** gratifications 24/7. Is it nature and has nothing to do with being homosexual but male? Maybe so but I can only imagine and pray that the day that I wake up diseased and infectious never comes. In need of a reality check and soul saving. This nail biting life is not for the faint hearted which I thought once beat with inside of me. Too many men to count but I know the exact number I think but I am no longer sure because that part of me will not open up completely. Yet I want to give it my all and let you in on why I am ashamed to approach those I find attractive not just physically but in mind and soul as well. Instead I lie myself to bed with someone I do not know. Strangers are easy to sleep with, oh my god did I just say that? But I know it is true because I have done it on numerous and multiple occasions. I need help I need it bad, this life I live is so sad. But yet through the weeks the months the years I develop a true heart beat and not the beat of pleasure and I realize finally that this was my old-self.

We had our good times and we had our bad but the majority of the relationship I spent it sad. Not because of you it was def me i could not forget the pain that you wanted to take away from me. You wanted to complete my heart but I never would let you in and once you were it was already the end, the end of our era and the beginning of the new and yet I have a memory to forget the memory of you. Unlike me to fret but i had to hide the pain again not realizing that you were a true friend and yet like the ones before you I shied away not knowing that I would meet up with you again some day. Here you stand with me face to face a tear rolls down and falls in place, a place where your hand has covered the fabric of my heart now I know truly were never apart. I Love You Baby I just need you to know so that you realize this was not for show. Now that your here I no longer fret that you were never A Memory To Forget.

My mind racing and pacing like a horse trying to win a match against another. Thinking out loud....I do that sometimes and it is extremely annoying. I am not sure about people sometimes. I used to think that I was great at reading those who came into my life but maybe I am not as Intuitive as I thought. Oh well this will be an interesting ride and I am ready to see where it will takes me.

What is in the dark bring it to the light so I can correct the wrong and make it right: So mote it be!!!

Blessed Be.

Beyond what I may feel for you I haft to say that sooner is better then never that I love you about face. I can not really describe how my mind races daily but it's almost too amazing that it's  about phasing. Phasing the different thoughts that I think of all the time it's almost their out of line. :) I am patient in my soul and even more patient in body but the way you make me feel is so oh so exciting. In a hearts time I will give you the key to my knowledge. Hard to explain but it should make perfect sense or atleast it will given that my love is unconditional. I guess you wonder why I am the way I am and again it's hard to explain. Just give me the respect you would wish to befall upon yourself. Wether things go smoothly or roughly I just need you to know that anything I have had to hide has been let go. Questions you ask and the answers I give don't take it personal you know how it is. You will think this is about you but it is not but don't be depressed like the rest. :) I have too much to hold inside but yet I say that I let it go but we know I am more complicated then that, so. I have had more to say but I leave it at this if I am never enough for you just tell me I won't be ******. So I say but you almost know me better then that but your far from the others and nothing like the rest. That brings a real smile to my face and warms my spirit. Nothing left to say just gald you read this. In hearts time you will be mine.

If you love someone don't be afraid to show them that you do and DO NOT let petty things come in between the two of you. A heart is a hard thing to mend when you have been hurt by love so save yourselves the trouble and just LOVE each other through the good and the bad. Communicate and build that communication to new heights.

A love lost is another reborn.

If you love someone don't be afraid to show them that you do and DO NOT let petty things come in between the two of you. A heart is a hard thing to mend when you have been hurt by love so save yourselves the trouble and just LOVE each other through the good and the bad. Communicate and build that communication to new heights.

A love lost is another reborn.

As I lie here in my lonesome I discover that I am beautiful and aware of that beauty. I'm not speaking on physical beauty but of mental. Jaded or not this will pass and I can be free for I'm no stranger to the real person that lives inside me. My thoughts are not against me I am against them but no more I accept and move on believing I do not need a human being to be happy.

"And I am called to serve a darker purpose than myself heart scorned and rip from my chest, blood splatters everywhere but where it should and I feel a burning desire to consume my insides. For he is calling to me and I must answer for he knows the path I seek"

A soul lost in it's own essence.
A heart grazed by a harsh reality.
A mind that tries to withstand too much.
A spirit that understands longevity.

I keep to my thoughts but they not to me.
A constant battle over spiritual superiority.
I am lost and now I must be found.
Doing this alone no turning back now.