You tell me you love me
How can you love someone you can't even stand to be around
I can't stand to be with myself either knowing the only person I've ever loved doesn't love me back anymore
How am I supposed to live with myself knowing it's my fault

Sometimes I wish I was your first love.
I wish I held that spot that means so much,
I wish I was your first love because it's always the strongest.
Other times I'm glad I wasn't knowing you'd not be you without going through those first.

Sometimes I wish I was your first love.
I want to be the one you never forget,
I want to be the one that matters most.
Other times I'm glad I wasn't because I want to be the last.

Sometimes I wish I was your first love.
I don't want to have to worry if I ever compare,
I don't want to be insecure you love me less.

The hardest part of falling in love is telling yourself you are able to love,
Love is unexpected,
Love is messy,
Love is beautiful,
Love is intense.

The hardest part of falling in love is teaching yourself you are deserving of it,
Love unapologetically,
Love strongly,
Love often.

The hardest part of falling in love is trusting someone with such a raw emotion,
Love is kind,
Love is trust.

The easiest part of falling in love was falling in love with you,
I've loved you since the moment I saw you,
I'll love you until the day I die,
Love is you.

You kiss my body,
Your saliva marks my skin in an invisible painting,
With every kiss comes a gasp,
With every gasp comes a kiss.

You touch my body,
Your fingers tracing the most eloquent drawing across the rough edges of my skin,
The lighter you touch the more I respond

You make your art so nobody but us can see it,
Your paintings are our secret,
Your drawings permanently etched into my memory,
These I will selfishly keep for myself,
Why would I want to share the most beautiful part of me

You tell me you'll show me your writing one day,
I waited for that day to get the chance to make home in the deepest crevices of your mind,
I'm not sure why I allowed myself to think it would be as beautiful as a field of freshly bloomed flowers when nobody's mind is that pure.
I read about your love for other women,
I'm no fool,
I've known I wasn't your first.
I read about how no love could compare to the love you feel for this blue eyed beauty as all the love in all the seas reflected from them,
I can feel what you feel for them as your eyes are more blue than the bright sky and I can feel myself flying in them.
That's okay I never asked to be your first love
I could feel the hurt reflecting in my boring brown eyes as I read the lines time and time again.
I'm no fool,
I know I can never be your first,
But I'd like to be your last.
I don't want to feel in competition to make you love me more.
You haven't fallen in love with me yet, but oh god what I would give to love you and have you love me back even more.
I'm no blue eyed beauty my eyes will never reflect the color of the sea but maybe one day you can learn to love exploring the deep dirt of the earth in mine.

In learning to love myself I have realized I don't need the affection of others to be validated.
My body is exactly that,
Mine.
If you dislike the bolts running across my skin in the areas that have a tendency to stick out a little further than others,
If the little craters that so lovingly remind me how connected I am to the moon and it's beautifully uneven surface aren't something you can look at because you believe you have every right to think my body is lesser than others
If you think I will self destruct without your approval, you could not be more mistaken
You are merely a guest and I have every right to deny you entry so don't convince yourself that you are entitled to my body,
Don't think for a second I am less than anyone with a toned body and baby smooth skin,
My body is not a competition and I refuse to look at other women as an opponent in the race to a mans bed

why are you telling me I'm being selfish in having no desire to be alive,

isn't it truly selfish to put yourself before me when I am so obviously in pain,

isn't it selfish to ask someone to suffer through something there is no end to,

isn't it selfish to ask someone already dying to want to be alive when that will lead to my own dissatisfaction,

or is it selfish how the world can take the life of someone who hasn't yet lived

God, I know every freckle dotting your shoulders almost as well as I know the lyrics to your favorite song.

   You find my mind in the strangest ways, I find the need to purge you from myself almost as quickly as last nights dinner.

being alive shouldn't be this exhausting

All you do anymore is tilt your head back and throw the poison down your throat acting as if it doesn't burn on the way down,

Maybe I feel the burning of it for you because while you can't even remember your name im destroyed that you can only love me under its influence

why is it at 3 a.m with the weight of the world on my shoulders,
My lip quivering in beat with my heart do I find it impossible to allow myself even a single tear to dot my cheeks,
Could it be my never ending cycle of forcing myself to be okay even if everything around me is in ashes,
Or could it be the embarrassment of being weak even though the only soul to know I shed that tear would be the one that's ripped to shreds inside me