how big am i
how big am i when i feel so small
my reflection lives in a funhouse mirror
thick thicker
short shorter
the curves of my body are as warped as the glass
and the more i stare
the sadder i get
i see every misshapen lump to my short stature
like an eagle looking at its prey

how big am i when i feel so small

it is the ides of march
and i might not be caesar but
i want to be stabbed

******* **** me
and bury me in a cerulean lake
alone and cold and kissed
saddened by the puckers of a watercolored paper
and emptied by a lovers hollow email
telling me goodbye

i want to eat my arms
devour my legs
my heart
every bit of my body
so that i can be a morsel of my soul
so that i can be tiny
tiny
tiny tiny

To see myself through anothers eyes
anothers diary entries about me
to hear that someone loves me deeply
but to feel so ******* alone
in every sense of the ******* word
all i want is to be wanted
to look in the mirror and see a lump of clay
fat thick and moldable but never quite fitting the way you want it
when i want to see a marble slab perfect and smooth rolled under
a perfectionists chisel
all i want is to be a first choice

and everyone i love gets a piece of me stretching me smaller and smaller until my love is wisps and dont have enough to knit myself a sock let alone a sweater but everyone in my life is warm and cozy swaddled in a mess of my knitted love

every word
limited to complements and criticisms
but overwhelmingly i still love you
hand to god i cant help but live in your echo
i cant decide whether i like it
im hurt and consumed with you
--

--
hail mary bluebird
kissing your cross
and spitting on my grave
snorting coke off a jesus idol
a virginal harlett objectified by every onlooker  
twirling from beach to beach
an idle drifter living in someone elses moment
--

--
the girl i love is painting for me
when oh
when can you come back for me
and respond to my teary hello

chilly coldy cold
**** the slush on roadside drives
taste the dust of icey eyes
lips of frost and glacial heart
snowy life  
cold colder coldest
what the ****