2:14 am
and i know
that i'm all alone
i'm cold and tired
but sleeping is out of the question
out of all the places to go
things to see
i'm all alone in my bed
no one here but my thoughts that drive me mad

She was drowning in her own self misery;
her own negative self righteousness consuming her every thought.
Through the hurt and despair,
she saw the pin size amount of light the universe had to offer.
Reaching to grab it,
it slipped though her small and frail fingers.
Over powered with darkness,
she tried to go with the beastly creature.
It's name: Depression.
Somehow, the light managed to sneak into her last few seconds of life.
Bliss,
Optimism,
Love entered her eyes.
She saw the beauty in everything around her;
birds singing their hearts out
vibrant colors
music
sunshine
flowers
there was beauty, like there has always been

remember all the hurt,
pain,
shame,
emptiness,
vulnerability,
masks you had to make,
lies saying "I'm fine."
remember that?
it ******. it still does.
but know that it can't get much worse than slicing your skin everyday then popping pills to end it all.
if that's rock bottom, then start climbing.
it's going to take a while,
and it'll be hard.
but you've been through so much worse.
You'll hit your head and scrape your knees,
but that's just life.
you're going far kid.
Don't **** yourself.

stop thinking you know me
because you don't
no one does
stop saying i'm not comfortable with myself
stop saying i don't love myself
stop saying i can't do things alone
i hate it
but the thing is you're right
i'm not comfortable with myself
i don't love myself
i can't do things alone
i just don't want anyone to know
i don't want to go back to the hospital
i don't want to be crazy
i don't want to disappoint everyone again
because i know that if i tell you what i think
i would need to go back
i would be crazy
i would disappoint you
that's what hurts the most
you're right even if i don't want to admit it
so i don't
i tell you you're wrong
but you can see i'm lying
you've seen me when i'm most vulnerable
you've seen me at my weakest point
you gagged me to keep me alive
you know me
and i hate it
you know i'm crazy
you know i belong in the hospital
but you don't want to admit it either
you don't want another person in your family crazy
we all are
but i'm the golden child, aren't i?
no.
i'm just like the rest of our family
crazy
hurting
insane
mental
i know all this
and so do you

317 days
that's how long i was strong
i'm sorry that i ****** up again
i'm sorry i disappoint everyone
i'm sorry that feel the need to hurt myself
i'm sorry
you know that seeing red is a trigger
or getting a papercut
looking at my scars
seeing old pictures
i'm a living nightmare
and i'm sorry

remember that sometimes even the most accomplished fall down,
and the stars refuse to shine.
if you remember that sometimes a candle gets dim, it'll get brighter after a little while.
think of all that makes you happy,
if only for a second
and keep going solely because of that.
when the clouds cover the sun, it can't shine
but it's still the brightest thing we know.

the flowers remind me of the blush on your cheeks when the wind blows.
the music i listen to gives me a beat that reminds me of your heartbeat,
shaky but still there and that's all that really matters.
the freckles on you face are identical to the ones in your eyes, so small but tell such a big story
the rush of water reminds me of how you talk when you're passionate about the subject. you slur and ramble, but there's a purpose. there's always a purpose.
i think of all the things that remind me of you make me think about how such a beautiful person can be so broken on the inside and so close to death every night.
i wish i could tell you what i see when i think of you.
i see waterfalls
flowers
music
freckles
the flicker of a flame
the sound of scratching a paper with a pencil.
if i were to tell you,
you would laugh and brush it off.
you might ask how i think of such silly things.
but i know what it means and i know that you're beautiful.
i know you and that's all i need

Sometimes I feel so terrible all I want to do is to slice my skin and sit in the pool of blood and fall asleep and leave. I've tried that so may times but I always heard the knock of my parents telling me to hurry up in the bathroom because my sister needs to brush her hair.
I miss the cutting, slicing, blood, hurt, pain, stinging. All of that. But I don't miss the way I felt. Empty and lonley every second of every day.
The nights were the worst. The quiet gave me space to think and the seemingly endless time I had in the cold bedroom made me feel even more alone than I really was. I got the illusion that cutting helped. I tried it once to see if it did and I thought it did. I didn't mean to slice again but I did. Every day for two years I would hurt the empty canvas that was my body. When I wake up, before I go to sleep, before after and during showers, at three am when I can't see the blade or my wrist.
Sometimes I miss cutting and that makes me sad. Sad that someone can miss something so painful and horrible. That someone can crave and be addicted to the hurt and blood of your own body.

i wish i could gather all my tears so i can drown you in them
the way you make me feel is overwhelming
i'm empty
powerless
ashamed
i hate you for what you've done
you make me sick and i hope you suffocate yourself on your own *******

I want to see the good
just to know there is some.
I want to know that people i don't know what to know me.
I want to know that there's good
outside of all this bad.
I want to meet the good
see the good
taste the good
just to know it's there

i am from under the car in the backyard
playing tea party
i am from the naps with bug pillow at Nana and Papa's house
and from the excitement in my voice
and thought i found a money tree
i am from making secret recipes
with my sister before she when to visit her dad
i am from sunsets at the beach
while sitting on warm sand eating a cupcake
from going downtown with my sisters
from water balloon fights in the backyard
i am from making forts in Minnesota
and throwing rotten apples at each other
boys against girls
i am from old memories with two brothers and two sisters
from vacations with sand and snow
i am from lost family members and tragic events
from substance abuse and depression
long sad nights alone and thinking i was on my own
i am from the best of the best and the worst of the worst

why do i do this?
why do i say these things?
i don't mean them and i probably never will.
it's wrong, i know it is.
but you know,
i've done worse.
i've done so much worse.
i can't really seem to stay out of trouble or guilt,
which is the same thing i guess.
maybe i need to keep my mind clear.
stop and breathe
sit and read
stop.
you don't have to do this.
don't feel like you need to.
i'm done

you are the cosmos
you are the earth, the moon, the sun and all the planets we don't know
you are everything and you don't even know it
i can look into your eyes and see the whole universe
for the little time i have to see you i know you're the one
the light and the dark can't compare to how you beautifully abstract you are
all the colors couldn't paint a picture of you because you're so much more than just colors
i wish you could see how much of me you make up
you are the cosmos because you're everything i'm really sure of
everything i can say is true
you know things
you know what you need to know but you're open minded enough to see and understand what everyone else needs to know