i am from under the car in the backyard
playing tea party
i am from the naps with bug pillow at Nana and Papa's house
and from the excitement in my voice
and thought i found a money tree
i am from making secret recipes
with my sister before she when to visit her dad
i am from sunsets at the beach
while sitting on warm sand eating a cupcake
from going downtown with my sisters
from water balloon fights in the backyard
i am from making forts in Minnesota
and throwing rotten apples at each other
boys against girls
i am from old memories with two brothers and two sisters
from vacations with sand and snow
i am from lost family members and tragic events
from substance abuse and depression
long sad nights alone and thinking i was on my own
i am from the best of the best and the worst of the worst

317 days
that's how long i was strong
i'm sorry that i ****** up again
i'm sorry i disappoint everyone
i'm sorry that feel the need to hurt myself
i'm sorry
you know that seeing red is a trigger
or getting a papercut
looking at my scars
seeing old pictures
i'm a living nightmare
and i'm sorry

stop thinking you know me
because you don't
no one does
stop saying i'm not comfortable with myself
stop saying i don't love myself
stop saying i can't do things alone
i hate it
but the thing is you're right
i'm not comfortable with myself
i don't love myself
i can't do things alone
i just don't want anyone to know
i don't want to go back to the hospital
i don't want to be crazy
i don't want to disappoint everyone again
because i know that if i tell you what i think
i would need to go back
i would be crazy
i would disappoint you
that's what hurts the most
you're right even if i don't want to admit it
so i don't
i tell you you're wrong
but you can see i'm lying
you've seen me when i'm most vulnerable
you've seen me at my weakest point
you gagged me to keep me alive
you know me
and i hate it
you know i'm crazy
you know i belong in the hospital
but you don't want to admit it either
you don't want another person in your family crazy
we all are
but i'm the golden child, aren't i?
no.
i'm just like the rest of our family
crazy
hurting
insane
mental
i know all this
and so do you

why do i do this?
why do i say these things?
i don't mean them and i probably never will.
it's wrong, i know it is.
but you know,
i've done worse.
i've done so much worse.
i can't really seem to stay out of trouble or guilt,
which is the same thing i guess.
maybe i need to keep my mind clear.
stop and breathe
sit and read
stop.
you don't have to do this.
don't feel like you need to.
i'm done

remember that sometimes even the most accomplished fall down,
and the stars refuse to shine.
if you remember that sometimes a candle gets dim, it'll get brighter after a little while.
think of all that makes you happy,
if only for a second
and keep going solely because of that.
when the clouds cover the sun, it can't shine
but it's still the brightest thing we know.

remember all the hurt,
pain,
shame,
emptiness,
vulnerability,
masks you had to make,
lies saying "I'm fine."
remember that?
it ******. it still does.
but know that it can't get much worse than slicing your skin everyday then popping pills to end it all.
if that's rock bottom, then start climbing.
it's going to take a while,
and it'll be hard.
but you've been through so much worse.
You'll hit your head and scrape your knees,
but that's just life.
you're going far kid.
Don't **** yourself.

the flowers remind me of the blush on your cheeks when the wind blows.
the music i listen to gives me a beat that reminds me of your heartbeat,
shaky but still there and that's all that really matters.
the freckles on you face are identical to the ones in your eyes, so small but tell such a big story
the rush of water reminds me of how you talk when you're passionate about the subject. you slur and ramble, but there's a purpose. there's always a purpose.
i think of all the things that remind me of you make me think about how such a beautiful person can be so broken on the inside and so close to death every night.
i wish i could tell you what i see when i think of you.
i see waterfalls
flowers
music
freckles
the flicker of a flame
the sound of scratching a paper with a pencil.
if i were to tell you,
you would laugh and brush it off.
you might ask how i think of such silly things.
but i know what it means and i know that you're beautiful.
i know you and that's all i need