I lost control in your room.

My head hit the pillow
My breathing became shallow
Gasping, trying to hold it together.

Nothing registered into my mind
I couldn't hear a single sound
Except my mantra,
Keep it together
Do not *****
Spinning around and around.

I was shaken to my core
I didn't think I could control it anymore
Until you wrapped your arms around me
Anchoring me to the floor.

You brought my face to your chest
Caressed my hair and cheek
And my breaths hissed
And tears fell
Each one of them meeting your kiss.

It's okay
You are safe
I've got you
You can let it out
I love you

You had a mantra of your own.

And you held me for God knows how long
Making sure the feeling was completely gone.
Even when my breaths became fuller
And the tears had subsided
You still held me close
Because the trigger had decided
To enter my mind and start at me again.

And then it officially stopped
My anxiety finally left once more
And you were the only thing in the world
Keeping me anchored to the floor.

i should just keep my mouth shut
and never talk
and never explain how i feel.
because whenever my mouth opens
to try to explain my mind
i lead myself down a treacherous stream
of stutters, stops, and sighs
the blind leading the blind.
i don't know why i even try
to verbally explain how I feel
because all it leads to is aching hearts and dangling tears
strangled inside a tightened reel.

My body is like a garbage dump.
It absorbs the trash people don't want anymore:
The hairdresser's abandoning father
The blog follower's self mutilation
The family's dark past
The boy's suicide attempt

My mind is like a sewer.
It's the drain that catches everyone's waste:
The noble girl's ****
The boy's love battle
The drunk man's broken past
The dear friend's "Goodbye Call"

Soiled oceans of sobs from those I love
To those I've never truly met
Mixed together
Putrid with self hate
All coming together for me to collect for them

My soul is like time bomb.
It takes on the weight of people's misfortune
People's biggest regrets
And people's deepest pains
It ticks steadily with the weight of other's
And my own hurt
Feeling more weight from others
Further pushing the timer forward
Steadily ticking

And the scariest part
Isn't the stories being told
Or the hurt that I hold
Or the ticking
It is the unknown moment when there is no more
Ticking.

I actually rather enjoy being alone.

Sitting in the cafeteria
                                      or a coffee shop
                                                                 or the bookstore
                                                                                              or in the park.
Anywhere really.

It’s not that I do not enjoy people.
        People are beautiful.
        I absolutely adore being around them.

They create a lot of outside noise though
        they demand your undivided attention
        they require to be heard
                they.
        and nobody else.

That kind of mandate
is hard to uphold sometimes.
Only sometimes though.

Because sometimes
I like not needing to pay attention
        not needing to listen
        not needing to hold that mandate.

My Consciousness can zone
     in and                 out
   whenever             and
                    wherever                        She
       pleases.

It’s very

      
         Peaceful.

What is a Miracle?

Winning the lottery?
Picking up a heads-up penny?
A granted 11:11 wish?
Canceled class?
A promotion?

No.
Those are miracles.
What is a Miracle?

An A on a test?
Winning the “big game”?
Having a secret admirer?

Nope.
Still miracles.

So what defines a Miracle?
What makes the big M?
Where can I buy it?
Where does it come from?

A Miracle is experiencing
Love at First Sight
Getting kissed on the forehead
when the rain trickles down your blushed cheeks
A Miracle is hearing someone
Sing out loud to their favorite song in the car
Unafraid and Unabandoned
A Miracle is hearing one’s
“Dorky Laugh”
with the Snort in it

A Miracle is being faced with your own Mortality
and being given a Second Chance.

I find you to be beautiful
the way you smile
the way you laugh
the way you bite your bottom lip
I find you to be a mystery
so close to being solved
yet so blatantly and irrevocably unsolvable
I would build a castle for you
a cathedral
with a million rooms
all decorated
and adorned for you
I would climb a mountain for you
just so I could shout into the abyss just how wonderful you are
I would run across the ocean
so I could hear your laugh
and see your teeth sparkle when you smile
I would kiss every scar you possess
every wound that ever touched your skin
and your Heart
especially your Heart
I would caress the pain in your soul
gently touch it
and hold it close to me
and whisper to it
to just keep going
to not give up
to know there is a better tomorrow
I would conquer the world
just to guarantee one more day with you.