I've never been good at this...
Communication was never my strong suit,
But when my family told me you were
A mistake, I could not believe they
Could think so poorly of my feelings-
As if a short moment of happiness
Was no moment at all.

On nights like this,
I feel the urge to write.
To click on keys and
Purge my thoughts
and hope for a better
Tomorrow.

On nights like this,
I no longer feel the need
To heed to everyone's
Warnings on what may
or may not happen
Tomorrow.

On nights like this,
The cool air coming from
The A/C reminds me
Of how chilling a moment
Can be and how fleeting
It is when all of the sudden
23:59 becomes 00:00
And it is no longer
Tomorrow.

Three shots
And four beers
Later I’m in
Your bed trying
To decide if
This is you
Taking advantage
Or me not
Getting any in
So long I really
Don’t care.
I come to the
Conclusion
That if it was the
Former I wouldn’t
Be having this
Conversation in
My head and so
I kiss you hard
And hope for
A night that
Can hold me
Over for a few
More weeks.

I want to take a class in poetry;
Learn the rhythm and rhyme
Of poets before my time.

I want to know how symmetry
And ingenuity can create such
Ferocity in works as old as touch.

I want to understand fluently
The words and stories told
By those so bold, now old.

I want to take a class in poetry;
Twist the rhythm and rhyme-
I want to make it mine.

How selfish you are
To make the decision
That I am not enough
For what you envision

And how hopeful I was
That this division
Between you and I
Was just a transition

How noble you thought
That your definition
Of love and lost
Begins with repetition

And how dumb I must be
To give my permission
Letting you back in
To start the ignition

As the hours go by I get more and more excited
Knowing that as night falls and the stars come
Out to play with the moon watching over I will
Be here, right here, typing away my heart to you.

You will be far away, I won't be able to lean over
Kiss you good night but I can glance just a few
Inches and see you smiling at me. That perfect,
Crooked smile.  

I can listen to you sing lyrics to songs I only
Know from the sound of your voice as you
Forget I'm still there. And it makes me happy
Knowing that even though I cannot
Feel the touch of your skin I can still feel the
Love in your words as you tell me how much
You adore me.

And I adore you, I do.

I was scared to see you.
I was scared what you might do.
I know it was hard to see me,
How much you wanted me.
But I needed you, your support,
Your kindness-
I needed a friend.
You were my friend.
You asked to hang out,
I said okay, I had a bad week
And you told me to
Relax and have a drink.
I was hesitant, I was scared.
"Okay, But please, I don't want
Anything to happen.
I don't want to have ***."
You assured me I would be fine.
You promised.
I woke up the next day
And realized you were a
Liar.

Every time I’ve spoken to You,
You’ve never spoken back;
Have I upset You, or
Is it something that I lack?
.
I can’t seem to get through
To You, are bruised knees not
Enough? Head lolled in prayer
I’m completely lost in thought.
.
Are two mothers too taboo
For You to answer what I ask,
Or are You just some drunkard
Taking swigs from a hip flask?

No matter the day,
Always know you have what it
Takes to make it big.

Wake up.
Get up.
Look in the mirror.
Stare.
Dip brush into
Liner.
Line eyes
Accordingly.
Thin to thick.
Thin.
Hate yourself.
Purge yourself.

When I face You,
I will be blunt.
I will not waste time
With a silly rhyme.

When I face You,
I will not blink.
I will not break eye
Contact or sigh.

When I face You.
I will not cry.
I will not ask why;
Instead, I will simply
Say “Thank You.”

We all want to be worth something;
know we won’t become just nothing.
The fear of death is irrelevant,
and in our angst we become petulant
children looking for hope in a sea
of greed and selfish humanity.

It creeps up on you
Slowly and then all
At once, eats away
At your core until
You're left with this
Feeling that you're
No longer whole,
No longer together.
It's there with you
While you lay your
Head down to rest
And there when
You think it's time
To get out of bed
To get to the things
You've always wanted
To do but never
Quite had the time
To do them. It's
Cold and distant,
Chokes you out
As you try to speak
But all you can
Make of your vocals
Is a small voice
Trying to string
Words to make
Some sense just
To feel like you belong.
And it breaks you.
And it hurts.
So you cry until
There's no more
Tears left to cry.

When I was young
I would wake up
To the sound of
My mother’s voice
As she called me
Down for a bowl
Of cereal before
I went off to school.
Frosted Flakes
Would get me
Through the day
As I went on
With the tasks
Almost all
Grade school
Children had
To do. Small
Favors for friends
I no longer talk
To because time
And distance
Has wedged it’s
Way between
Us and I am
Okay with that
Even though
Then I could
Never dream of
Such a day
Happening.
I don’t sleep
Anymore. Instead
I find someone
To make me scream
And I do just that
As I lay back down
To the boy next
To me I find myself
Hungry and
Ask for a bowl
Of Frosted Flakes
Before I leave
For the night.

There’s never a dull moment
When I’m with you, and we’re
Going around town making
Fools of ourselves because
There’s nothing better to do.
And I can hold your hand
Without fear that you will
Let go if it so happens that
One of your friends crosses
Our path while we’re on
Some adventure. I can hold
Your hand because you’re
My best friend and we
Understand that sometimes
It’s just nice to have the
Comfort of another without
Having that comfort in bed.
We can go to the park and
Act like kids not caring
Who watches because
It’s fun and we’re bored
On a Saturday afternoon
But at night I can dress
How I want because you
Like that I don’t care what
I wear going out to some
Party where we’ll both
End up drunk walking
Home but not knowing
Where home really is.
And yeah, I blur the lines
Between us as I crawl into
Bed next to you at the end
Of the day because I’m tired
And you’re nothing but warm
And I’m still drunk from
A long night of drink after
Drink and smokes that never
End because you so kindly let
Me *** off your whole pack.
I can lie next to you so
Comfortably and cuddle
While you hold me tight
Because I so kindly ask you to.
And our whole friendship is
A line we both tiptoe on as
I push the boundaries and
My hand goes from your
Chest down to where I know
You’re feeling the blood
Rush and I can hear you
Breathing on my neck but
You won’t say stop and I won’t
Say please because I’m
Just wondering if this is
What friends are for.
Nothing happens though because
I’m too drunk and you’re too
Scared to find out if it’s actually
A feeling you have or just the
Lust you get when you see a
Pretty girl in a tight dress.
In the morning you’ll look at me
And say sorry, and I’ll pretend like
Nothing happened because
That’s the truth and I miss you
Already.  In the morning you’ll
Realize that you do like me but
You won’t say anything because
Just like last night you’re too
Scared to ruin what we have and
I’m too shy to say otherwise.
I blur the lines because when I’m
With you there’s never a time
When I think it’s not right
Even though the next day
You’ll go back to her and
I’ll go back to trying to find
A replacement for what
We could have been but
Never quite were because
It’s too risky to ruin this
Friendship when I’m already
Too comfortable to give
You up and you’re too
***** to give her up.
And you’ll call me Bambi
Because it’s cute to
You and I just like hearing
Your voice on the phone
So we can talk and tease and
Be the couple we can never be.

Do you believe in Heaven?
You know the place with
White, pearly gates.
Cotton houses floating
Effortlessly in the sky holding
Wonders we could only
Dream of at night while we're
Still breathing on solid
Ground.
Home after home
When we're called to our
Fate and nothing is left for
Us because it's
Our time.
Everything happens for a reason
They say. Everything
Happens for a cause.
And I can only think of all
Those souls taken from
Mothers and fathers
And all those lives stolen
Before they had time
To fully mature.
Everything happens for
A reason.
They go to a place
Beyond this where no
One fights or cries
And you get a home to live
With the ones you loved.
Forever.
And you ask me
Do I believe in Heaven.
No matter how unlikely the
Thought of it is I think
Of all those I wish
Were in a better place,
A better time,
Somewhere they could
Be free and all
I can say is
I want to.

You’re a China doll,
Move tenderly.
Be sure not to fall,
you break easily.
Build yourself a wall,
Don’t let him in.

No other path to take
Can’t decide what to make
Of myself these days
No fork in the road to
help me find my way
beyond all this come May.

Smile slowly
Make your way to me
Offer just one, maybe two
Keep the rest hidden
End cause.

I was running down some corridor
And she's screaming how I'm a *****
Words leaving my heart kind of sore
I think something in me has just tore
Squirming slightly on the cold floor
Begging now for something more
But I still can’t get passed that
One closed door; nor the fact that
Inside of me is some ongoing war.

It’s not long ‘till you learn that
Broken hearts don’t easily repair.
It’s hard to focus when healing
Wounds can soon again tear.
You ask yourself how this
World can be so **** unfair,
When you know of hardships
Some can hardly even bare.

Bottles line the medicine cabinet
Names I can’t pronounce
Take two, daily.
Take when necessary.
Take, take, take.
What for?

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart,
Like the skin on my bones is degrading
To a nothingness I can't quite seem to
Understand, some sort of abstract art
Too intricate for me to grasp the concept
Of as I look down and all I see is decaying
flesh of what used to be me at the start.
No new cells to replace the old and all
I am becoming is a ghost of a girl who
Tried to be more than just her heart.
An echo of a child who didn't know the
Difference between love and *** as she
Gave herself up to the boy who was smart
And caring yet love was never on his
Mind and he used her like she was some
Product you could find in any Walmart.
And I am an echo of a girl I used to be
As I look down to my hands to see
Rotting body and sometimes
I think I've been ripped apart.

I think of you
Every time I reach
For my pack
Fit snugly
In my pocket.
Steal a smoke,
Put it gently
Between my lips
And light it up
Just to take a few
Hits; filling my
Lungs with tainted
Air I wouldn't dare
Wish another
To breathe.

Exhale to the left
So it goes
Along with the
Wind toward
The mountains
And away from
The memory of
You. I remember
How that day
Driving home from
school, windows
Down and a smoke
Between my fingers
Hanging slightly
In the open
Air, when I was
Distracted by the
Sight of your
Car tailing me
All the way home.

Remember how
You kissed me
So tenderly
As to distract
My eyes from
Your hands
Slowly moving
Down my side
Making me
Shiver in anticipation
Expecting more
Like we used to do.
Instead you
Sneak my Spirits
Out of my
Grasp, taking
My crutch away
And all I can ask
For is just
one more.

You kiss me for
A second time.
I say that is
Not what I
Meant and you
Know it.
You smile
And tell me
That's what
Addicts say.
I remember you
Getting out
Of my car and
Break every single
Smoke in the pack,
Finally throwing
Them away and
Look at me.

I don't look
Back. All I hear
Is your voice
Saying words I
Tried to tune
Out but couldn't
Quite get the
Ringing of the
Love I felt when
You finally
Told me I was
Better than this.
I promised I
Would stop and
Your stringing of
Words gave
Me the strength I
Thought I lost
When I first
Started
Killing myself.

Five hundred and eighty-four
Days I stood by my
Word until I broke
And you were no longer
There to pick up
The pieces.
I think of you every time
I reach for a smoke.
No longer keeping
Track of days
Because I have
Been stuck at Day 1
For too long
To know how it felt
To be free from
A crutch I don't
Know how to
Give up.

Or maybe I
Just don't want to
Because every time
I bring that smoke
To my lips to
Take a drag, I feel
Guilt and dread
And no
Self-worth
But
I think of you.

Tie your hair back now
Roll up the sleeves of your shirt
Get messy for once.

I stopped eating.
Anorexia is becoming
Of me as I push away
The heaps of food
In front of me
Holding onto my sides
Out of hunger.
I closed my lips to
The lies devised
To blind me of the
Truth I so clumsily
Sought and desired
Once upon a time.

I stopped eating.
Choosing instead to
Mindlessly draw
Scenarios of simpler
Days where the sun
Is warm and the
Nights quite inviting.
Sheepishly holding
Back on words I would
Sooner choke on than
Spat out to those
Who hand fed me all
Those times before.

I stopped eating.
Trying hard not to
Give in to the
Temptation of just
One little snack
Before bed to help me
Sleep more soundly.
Stopped absorbing the
Fuel that keeps society
Running on a tire
About to go flat as
It runs its course
Raw.

I stopped eating.
Because this
Anorexia of sorts
is becoming of me.

I wonder if
You can taste
the betrayal
All the lies
and deceit
When you kiss
my lips
So tenderly
And I wonder
If I can call
This defeat
Some kind of
Battle fought
Valiantly

Overlook the small details
Ruin the larger picture
Arrange for no change
Neglect your feelings
Gather some support
Elect the cheat.

When you let someone
in, when you let them love you,
Do you lose yourself?

When you were young, did you
Listen to the stories your
Grandmother told, closely
To the morals they hold and
The lessons they teach.
Did you wonder how far the
Consequences might reach?

My mother once told me I was adorable.
She said so with a light smile and a soft voice.
I was young and impressionable,
And forever thought -I was adorable.

My friend once told me I was pretty.
She said so with a wide smirk and a sour tongue.
I was young and somewhat twiggy
And never thought -I was pretty.

My love tells me I am very beautiful.
He says so with a caring grin and a loving tone.
I am young and quite suitable
And often think -yes, I am beautiful.

Oh Red, White, and Blue;
Haven’t got a clue what you
Stand for anymore.

In the labyrinth of the mind
things are brighter than they seem
but life and truth are not so kind

Memories are hard to find
and when they’re sought they seem to beam
in the labyrinth of the mind

The tricks she played left her blind
and all that was left was hope and dream
but life and truth are not so kind

Her thoughts were often so maligned
yet through the darkness she did gleam
in the labyrinth of the mind

A padded room and thoughts confined
as fate begins to plot and scheme
but life and truth are not so kind

Her games and pain intertwine
and the tears began to stream
but life and truth are not so kind
in the labyrinth of the mind.