what you need to understand about me is that i am nothing more than misplaced passion and a pair of blindly swinging fists that tremble with unrighteous anger. so allow me to apologize in advance for the fires my subconscious starts. i am a clumsy compilation of ill-suited lines that will never see life in your poetry. at least, not like they used to. you are a book filled with with pictures i never got to take, and every day i am forced to sit idly by while she starts a new roll of film. the missile crisis reincarnate is inside my chest, so forgive me for not being able to control when i shake. forgive me for fumbling with syntax so crassly. i know better than to spew hate and call it poetry. please understand that the endless series of sinking ships in my head makes it difficult to form coherent thought. my thoughts, will **** me, if your absence doesn't first. i think about your hands more than i am proud to admit, and when i picture them reaching for her i feel so sick. i'm sorry. i am so sorry that i haven't yet learned how to moderate the volcano in my throat. i'm so sorry for spitting fire with my eyes closed. forgive me for confusing anger with bravery and burning down too many houses to count. in my misguided thirst for blood i weaponized memories and threw them like daggers in every direction, but the only one being hit is me. i am so tired of bleeding, i am tired of this one-sided war, i am tired of being a war. i tried so hard to be catharsis personified but i have to face the reality that my arms would only hold you like a grave. i loved you like rainwater, and lost you like time. you were never mine. you were never mine. you were never mine. i have to say that to myself every day because it eases the pain of watching you belong to anyone else. but i can't ignore the surplus of "what if's" wreaking havoc in my consciousness. i think that's why i get so angry when i picture you laughing with her instead of me. i am blocking out the memory of the night you told me my laughter could cure your sadness. ******* it. i am trapped in a nightmare where the walls of the home we built are lined with photographs of her. this is why i can't breathe at the thought of her smiling when the flash goes off. they say that nothing good stays; i have never been good at leaving, so i guess that makes sense. you once referred to me as an anxious mess you would spend the rest of your life cleaning up, and i can't get that out of my head. i hope you know, that after everything, i would still sit and collect dust on a shelf in your house forever, if that's what you wanted me to do. but i know it's not, so i'll go back to apologizing. i'm sorry that my rage doesn't have an off switch. i'm sorry for being a literal spitfire. i'm sorry for being an earthquake under her glass slippers. i'm sorry that my mouth is a loaded gun and that i have ****** aim. i swear to god i'm trying not to shoot so often but this is one of the hardest things i have ever done. so until i learn control i will burn in silence with the safety on.  

- m.f.

nobody warns you about the first boy who tells you he wants to marry you.

nobody warns you about the tangible shift in the universe when he parts his lips to smile.

nobody warns you about the poetry he'll write you or how your knees will weaken or the melancholy hidden between the layers of his laughter.

nobody warns you that miles will morph into lightyears and you will curse the ocean for being the only thing that keeps his fingers from resting between yours.

nobody warns you about the day his sweater doesn't smell like him anymore.

nobody warns you that human hands are incapable of holding a person together.

nobody warns you that sometimes love is not enough, no matter how much you wish it was.

nobody warns you about the crippling nostalgia that renders you breathless.

nobody warns you about the nights when silence screams for your blood.

nobody warns you about the crater that forms in your chest in the middle of the night when he doesn't answer.

nobody warns you about how it's going to feel when he tells you he's in love with someone else.

nobody warns you that forever is a lie.

- m.f.

I used to pray that I’d never be loved by
anyone I couldn’t love back,
but then I remembered how many mountains
I grew strong enough to climb when
you didn’t love me back
and I realized that
there’s no use in praying for
the absence of pain
because it will always find you
whether it be through sunburn or aching silence
and broken bones grow back stronger
so I won’t pray you’ll never get hurt
I’ll pray you clean out the cuts on your
elbows and learn to not pick at
the scabs on your knees
and that you’ll stand up more times
than the wind knocks you down
And that you’ll find ways to appreciate
the circles beneath your eyes, but
still hold onto the hope that one day
you will count your scars and smile because
you are proud of how far you’ve come
and how much you’ve grown, and
you’re not just surviving, you are alive.

The sun tends to forget to shine
when you're not around to encourage it
and my coffee cools as I forget about it
and the crumbs on my bed all seem to
congregate and conspire against me
as I toss and turn at night
pleading that maybe this 3am will be different
(each morning)
and that maybe I'll manage to sleep a little
but those crumbs seem to always
get underneath me
and lay under my bare skin and irritate
and annoy and cause me to shift and turn
in probably the exact same way
your words of goodnight and farewells
always seem to do.

You said it was just a ****,
So were the taste of her lips worth the taste of my tears?
Were the sway of her hips worth my scarred wrists?
Were her moans worth my gasps for air as I cry?
Were her wanton gazes worth the sadness and hurt in my eyes?
Was her shuddering body beneath you worth my curled up one balling on your couch?
Was that few minutes of gratification worth my lifetime of distrust?
Was it worth it?
Was it?  
I sure hope it was

The phone rings in the late night
Heart heavy, soul weak
Conscious says avoid the call until daylight
But with desperate need her voice began to speak

With creeping feet and a hopeful heart
The sorry girl ran to his car
Young and reckless smiling in the dark
The two travel to the nearest bar

No words be said, no thoughts be shared
Cold drinks have become enough
Palm to palm, eye to eye
Searching for something other than a lie

One, two, three, and four
Hearts become empty and the beer becomes warm
A love like this is something unknown
But they enjoy it too much to let it get old

He takes her to his car and he touches her face
No time for practice he's started the game
Clothes fall off at rapid pace
Screams begin to echo like a lion being tamed

Hot, sweaty, and satisfied he goes
Leaving her alone, in her ripped apart clothes
She sits on the floor with her heart bleeding out
Another night full of life ending with doubt

I've lost you   
Somewhere between our late night talks and early morning drives
(The ones that no longer happen)
Somewhere between college applications and graduation gowns
Somewhere between new friends and old ones
Somewhere between you drinking on Wednesday nights and popping pills to function Thursday morning
Somewhere between ****** up feelings and crowded thoughts
Somewhere between my fourth cup of coffee and your fifth cigarette
Somewhere between you not caring and me not trying
Somewhere between rushing strangers and passing cars
Somewhere between this coffee shop and home  
Somewhere between hello
And goodbye